To talk to MIL after two months or not

[Rainbowandrosessss]

Not my MIL - DP’s mum, but using it for laziness in this post!

She has always disliked me. Have tried to make effort with her but she has been impossible. Been with my DP two years and we have a six month old together.

She was okay throughout my pregnancy but turned vile after the birth - constantly criticising, making nasty remarks about my parenting, accusing me of being a bad parent and telling me that my DP was the actual parent. Made horrible comments about my mental health & guilted me into coming off of my medication because ‘parents shouldn’t be taking it’. Told I shouldn’t be having any more children as I have a health condition (which does not in anyway affect my parenting). Made comments about my weight. Undermines me and says nasty things in front of DS.

I recently went NC after she started spreading lies about me to her family, her ex-husband (DP’s dad), her mum and her DIL.

Accused me of all sorts of stuff, even started posting nasty quotes about me online.

I decided enough was enough after DP went to see her and told her he had had enough and that she was a bully and needed to stop lying about me. She didn’t back down and told him that she just doesn’t like me at all and would rather have just him and my DS to visit. He told her it wasn’t happening.

She later texted him to say ‘I can’t believe you’d call me a liar and a bully - who’s the one with a mental illness?’

She has since sent him lots of manipulative texts to which he has ignored.

It’s been 9 weeks and she wants to talk. My DP has been quite low since it all happened. However I’ve felt much better in myself. I have PND and it was definitely worsening with her in my life.

But I’m wondering if I’m being selfish and should just go and have it out with her. I don’t want my DP to be upset.

Nope. Ignore.

You're currently in the midst of PND. Give it another few months, and see how you feel then.

Leave her to your DP. She's his mother, not yours. He can deal with her and have as much of a relationship with her as he wants.

You do not have to have a relationship with her.

You can't stop someone from being horrible to you and about you. The only thing to do with people like that is to stay well away.

Another ignore here.

Not a fucking chance.

I’m not sure which way round the vote is. Is it YANBU - ignore her
OR
YANBU - you’re being selfish, talk to her?

I’d have nothing to do with her. She sounds awful.

I would remain NC, but allow DP to go and see her to make amends if he wanted to. Going forward perhaps he could take your DS round to her house once a month? Why would you want to go with him when she is so vile and it is affecting your mental health?

It sounds like your DP has got your back. So if your MIL talks negatively about you during a visit or stirs up any drama then he can make it clear that you will go back to NC.

ignore her

She wants to talk so let DP go and talk to her. So agree in advance what you will and won't accept. ie if she apologises etc, all good. if she tells him that she thinks you're a manipulative cow, he needs to leave.

or go together but even more strongly with rules in place under what conditions you will stay or leave. If she genuinely wants to sort things out, you'll know within the first 5 minutes. And if she just wants to have another go, that will be very obvious and you can get up and leave.

Have you posted about this a couple of times before OP?

She has said she just doesn't like you. This isnt going to change. What do you think would be achieved by having it out with her? She is not going to suddenly like you. She is not suddenly going to turn into a nice person.

Just keep her out your life. I think your partner should be allowed to have a relationship with her if he wants as long as it doesn't impact you or your family.

I'd sit down with your husband and go through some ground rules. You don't want to hear about her. You don't want to see her. You are ok with your son around her for x hours or x visits but only if your partner is there and if he agrees to cut the visit short as soon as she says anything bad about you within hearing of your son. You will go to family events where she is there if you have to for other people eg a wedding of someone else in the family (but not an event for her) and you will be civil but nothing else. Etc etc.

If you are the same poster that's posted before you have to accept that you are not going to have a relationship with her. I know its disappointing but you need to treat her as a distant third cousin or something and really work on not caring what she thinks of you.

Ignore her. Having it out with her will lower you to her level and lend some acceptance to her actions. Stay firm.

Ignore her. She needs to apologise (to both of you) before anything else happens. It's good that your DP is obviously not giving in to her silliness.

No. She doesn’t like you. Fuck her. But if your DP wants a relationship with her that needs to be between them.

Why would you even consider allowing such a bitch back into your life? Urgh just no.

I wouldn't.

Has she sent any conciliatory texts in which she has self awareness of her awful behaviour? I don't think she wants to make amends. She just wants a way to get at you as she isn't getting enough exciting drama sending text messages into the void.

Your DP is doing the right thing, yes it's hard for him but you're not the problem it's his mum and her nastiness.

Ignore. She doesn't get to dictate when you're ready to talk to her, and unless she's coming to you saying she wants to talk because she wants to apologise for her appalling behaviour, don't do it. She won't have changed.

Wait until you're feeling fully over your PND and could cope with her vitriol if it all spews out again, there's no sense in making a bad situation worse especially if your partner isn't feeling great right now.

You don't say if your DP wants to talk to her or not. If he does, let him, but don't put yourself in the firing line.

My DP wouldn't want to have anything to do with someone who treated me like that and it doesn't sound like yours does either, even if she is his mother.

Ignore the miserable old bint. Do not engage with her, she sounds vile.

Absolutely no good will come from having it out with her. She's not going to see the error of her ways no matter what you say. You'll just be giving her more ammunition. I'd stay NC and if your DP wants to go low contact that's up to him.

She's had her chance. She blew it, ignore her

I'd leave it to your DP, but if she shows no sign of change, right back to NC.

On the plus side congrats OP you have snared a mumsent rarity: a DP who will stand up to his mum!

I’d leave it up to your DP if he sees his mother but I wouldn’t have anything more to do with her- and I definitely wouldn’t allow her near my child with her disgusting attitude about mental health (as well as the other stuff). How she behaves is inexcusable and damaging.

Ignore

There's no way she's genuinely changed personalities in 9 weeks. She might be willing to pretend in order to get DP and DS back but she'll revert back to form soon enough.

Anyone who acts like that or says those things is just a nasty piece of work, don't bring that back into your life, stay well clear

No way, no how, she sounds completely vile.

If your DP wants to spend time with her and have a relationship independent of you then that is his decision but you don't need to have anything to do with it. One of the perks of being a grown up is not spending time with people you don't want to. There is no way I would put my mental health at risk for someone like that and your DP shouldn't expect you to.