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Original poster

To talk to MIL after two months or not

58 replies

Rainbowandrosessss · 20/10/2020 14:04

Not my MIL - DP’s mum, but using it for laziness in this post!

She has always disliked me. Have tried to make effort with her but she has been impossible. Been with my DP two years and we have a six month old together.

She was okay throughout my pregnancy but turned vile after the birth - constantly criticising, making nasty remarks about my parenting, accusing me of being a bad parent and telling me that my DP was the actual parent. Made horrible comments about my mental health & guilted me into coming off of my medication because ‘parents shouldn’t be taking it’. Told I shouldn’t be having any more children as I have a health condition (which does not in anyway affect my parenting). Made comments about my weight. Undermines me and says nasty things in front of DS.

I recently went NC after she started spreading lies about me to her family, her ex-husband (DP’s dad), her mum and her DIL.

Accused me of all sorts of stuff, even started posting nasty quotes about me online.

I decided enough was enough after DP went to see her and told her he had had enough and that she was a bully and needed to stop lying about me. She didn’t back down and told him that she just doesn’t like me at all and would rather have just him and my DS to visit. He told her it wasn’t happening.

She later texted him to say ‘I can’t believe you’d call me a liar and a bully - who’s the one with a mental illness?’

She has since sent him lots of manipulative texts to which he has ignored.

It’s been 9 weeks and she wants to talk. My DP has been quite low since it all happened. However I’ve felt much better in myself. I have PND and it was definitely worsening with her in my life.

But I’m wondering if I’m being selfish and should just go and have it out with her. I don’t want my DP to be upset.

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 20/10/2020 14:57

Hi I know it's difficult but try not to take it too much to heart
As for contact with MIL Leave it until you feel able for it and if you need the meds take them until you feel that you don't need them
Take it at your pace
My nan had a saying "least said soonest mended" and I think it makes sense here 🤗

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2020 15:00

No way. She's annoyed that she's lost her power over you and is looking for a way to get it back. She will never change and you will find yourself right back to all the misery she caused. Ignore her.

Thisseatisnotavailable · 20/10/2020 15:03

Not sure which way to vote either, but definitely ignore her. You have a dp who is actually standing up and defending you to his mother; appreciate that. Stay well out of it, it's not going to change anything for you to 'have it out with her'.

noirchatsdeux · 20/10/2020 15:07

My partner's father doesn't like me - never has, didn't like my partner's ex girlfriend either. He's of the type that no girl would be good enough for his son if he didn't choose her.

The thing is, I'm 52, partner is nearly 50 and his parents are 71. Myself and partner have been together 11 years. I don't have children and obviously won't be having any (this is one of a long list why FIL doesn't like me - I'm pretty sure he blames me for the fact he won't have any grandchildren - my partner is a only child). So there is zero need for me to have any sort of relationship with them in any case - and my partner has often said that he knows his father would have been a dreadful grandparent anyway (a lot like the OPs MIL) .

I tried my best for 5 years to have at least a civil relationship with my partner's parents but in the end had to admit defeat and go no contact. I've not seen either of them in nearly 6 years now - they live 200 miles away so it's been easy. Sometimes I am sad at the situation - I was married before and had a excellent relationship with my ex PILs, and was genuinely sorry when exMIL died 9 years ago. I'm still on excellent terms with my exH, and he assures me that I've not changed, so the problems is definitely with my partner's parents.

Long story short, don't feel like you need to have a relationship with your MIL at all. Neither you or your son do - and you'd actually be doing your son a favour keeping him away from such a toxic person.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2020 15:12

"It’s been 9 weeks and she wants to talk. My DP has been quite low since it all happened. However I’ve felt much better in myself. I have PND and it was definitely worsening with her in my life."

Well if she 'wants to talk' she can start with an apology. Offered up-front and with no guaranteed 'reward' of you and DP talking back. And even then, it's iffy.

Personally I'd leave it for now, at least until the PND is dealt with. You are better without her in your life, why risk your health for her sake?

It's likely that she's just going to try and manipulate your DP, because him not talking to her doesn't fit with her self-image as some sort of matriarch. Maybe the people she spread her lies to are starting to see her for what she really is too, so having her son talking to her again might restore her standing with them. Whatever her reason for "wanting to talk" I'm pretty sure the reason will be selfish. Which is a good reason to stay non-contact with her.

Cookies2523 · 20/10/2020 15:32

Ignore her. You don't need an awful, vile, toxic person in your life. I would also not let my baby near her - is her plan to poison their little mind as they are growing up?

Dontbeme · 20/10/2020 15:51

Going forward perhaps he could take your DS round to her house once a month? Why would you want to go with him when she is so vile and it is affecting your mental health?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, what do you think this MIL would be saying to DS about his mum when he is old enough to understand, I would not give her the chance to drip poison and isolate me from my own DC. She has shown by her actions the type of character she is, attacking a new mum, let her jog on.

lazylump72 · 20/10/2020 15:54

leave well alone OP you do not need the grief...Concentrate on your little family and dont even think of her anymore,She has had too much of your headspace ,,her loss not yours.

Waveysnail · 20/10/2020 15:58

Nothing stopping dp talking to her and taking son around to her house.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 20/10/2020 16:02

Ignoring her is working perfectly well for you, no need to change.

Redcups64 · 20/10/2020 16:02

Depends what your take is- me, myself, I just wouldn’t want the hassle of it all so would stay NC. DP could go see his mum if he likes though but I wouldn’t have any interest. Don’t feel guilty about it, if you don’t stand up for yourself why would you expect others too, some people just get respect, others have to fight for it a bit harder.

ReggaetonLente · 20/10/2020 16:08

Mine did and said similar when DD was born. Haven't seen or spoken to her in over 2 years since. She's seen DD 3 times ever, and DH has only seen her a couple more times than that since we fell out- he dreads even talking to her on the phone.

You reap what you sow in life. Its really been fine, we are perfectly happy- but my DH feels the same about her as i do. That is the big decider, i think.

wineandroses1 · 20/10/2020 16:18

I think your DP can decide to see her himself, but I would be reluctant to allow my DC to visit. Why should she get to create a relationship with your DC when she is so vile to their mother? I would be concerned that once a visitation routine is established she would at the very least voice her thoughts about you in DC's hearing.

katy1213 · 20/10/2020 16:22

Ignore her. She doesn't like you and you don't like her.

diddl · 20/10/2020 16:45

I would say what your OH does as regards his mum is up to him.

I think you shouldn't subject yourself to her again & that your baby shouldn't have to be either.

Mawi · 20/10/2020 16:53

I would put money on it that she has realised she won't be having her DS and GS around for Christmas and knows that she has to pretend to be nice to get what she wants.
Do not put anymore pressure on yourself to placate someone who does not like you. If she can't be nice to you then she doesn't get to play happy families with your DS.

Twitwooooooo · 20/10/2020 16:56

I would ignore her. She sounds awful and likely part of why you have PND!

I wouldn’t see her again without an apology and if she does decide to apologise, make sure it’s a proper apology. Not a “sorry if you feel that...” like all the politicians do.

billy1966 · 20/10/2020 16:58

Absolutely not.

I have no doubt your PND was hugely exacerbated by this awful woman in your life.

Your DP will have to man up and get on with it.

Your loyalty needs to be be to your baby that absolutely needs a healthy mum.

Do not be swayed.

Care for your baby and stay well and stay away.

Flowers
D4rwin · 20/10/2020 17:02

Don't give the situation oxygen. Carry on, you're free of her you stay nc until an apology is forthcoming not that you're obliged to accept it. Your dp can make his own mind up

Emeeno1 · 20/10/2020 17:08

I do not agree with labelling any other woman vile or awful based on the information presented by one party.

It is always far more complicated.

EdwardBear1920 · 20/10/2020 17:11

What's the betting that, 'Wants to talk,' is actually, 'Wants to tell you how you've destroyed her life, you've taken her son away, she's had Covid and had to deal with it all by herself and she could have died, and anyway, she's got a heart condition so she needs to see her son and grandchild as she might never see them again, and you're evil for wanting to keep them away from her.'

To give you some context, my grandmother had a heart condition and wouldn't live long, so couldn't her son just wait until she was dead and gone to marry that woman and break her (grandma's) heart.

Grandma lived until she was 102, probably kept alive solely on spite and lived to see 12 great-grandchildren.

Piffle11 · 20/10/2020 17:12

No way. My MIL and I always had a difficult relationship, and it blew up a couple of years ago. She flounced off and ignored us all for six months… Then sent me a text out of the blue acting as if nothing had happened. She seems to have forgotten all the names she called me. She used to slag off her other DIL to the family, and be sweetness and light to her face, so I know there is not remotest chance that she has changed. I really believe that if you start seeing her again, she will slip back into her old ways. People like this do not change. I wouldn’t want my child around such a venomous person.

Floralnomad · 20/10/2020 17:17

I’d keep well away , but having been in a very similar position i would make it clear to your partner that you have no problem if he wants to talk to her / see her assuming you don’t mind that . I was NC with my inlaws for over 20 yrs ( their choice but I was very happy with the situation) after my dh told them a few home truths but after a few weeks my dh started speaking to them again and it worked very well . They saw our children very occasionally with dh , were never left alone with them , until the children were old enough to decide if they wanted to see them ( they didn’t ) .

Drinkingallthewine · 20/10/2020 17:18

Fair play to your DP.

She hates you, and up until now you had nothing she wanted. Now you do. You have her grandchild and she thought that she could cut you out, be a cunt to you yet play happy families with your partner and your child.
No.
This is beyond what she personally thinks of you, this is about you showing your child life lessons about people who are hateful towards you. IT's about showing her that you are a package deal of three now. And if she is shitty to one of you, it will harm her relationship with the others.

DP can visit his mother on his own - his choice, but he needs to always have your back and never tolerate nastiness about you. But her getting to cut you out and continue to be nasty while doting on her son and grandchild will come back to haunt you in years to come if you let it.

nitsandwormsdodger · 20/10/2020 17:20

This isn't a falling out or misunderstanding where you can hug and move on
What she has said and done is inexcusable all the posting on line is so nasty
She really really hates you and is actively showing this and shit storming massively
Leave well alone, you can't control what Oh does but I hope he stands firm