To consider seeing my mum and dad (tier 2) Dad is having a breakdown

[OreoBreakfast]

Hi,

So my dad became unwell about 6 weeks ago and I managed to see him before tier 2 was introduced in their area and whereas he wasn't at his worst back then, he'd aged so much, not just physically, but mentally and that was only a couple of weeks into his illness. It was quite heartbreaking. He suddenly looked "old" and frail. He is 70. He is on strong medication for anxiety and depression and I am certain he has had/is having, a complete breakdown. Very emotional, shakey, doesn't want to get out of bed, little appetite, fearful, with a constant sense of impending doom. Although the meds are helping a bit I think.

He has always had a darkness in him. Lots of self loathing, regret, negative energy etc and I think this was inevitable at some point and with everything going on, it's not surprising it's happened now.

My mum has decided she will "fix him" and just isn't looking after herself. She has been rushed to A&E with sky high blood pressure and recently had an ambulance out. She is one of those " Oh I'm fine, don't worry about me darling" mums. I am worried. Very worried, about both of them.

My dad is desperate to see us. He keeps talking about us and crying apparently. I think he's terrified he won't see us again.

We are tier 1, but obviously that makes no difference if they are tier 2.

I just don't know what to do. I feel utterly helpless and incredibly sad. I'm worried my dad will never be the same again.

Does anyone have any advice? Could this be seen as a support bubble? I wouldn't have thought so given they have each other.

Thanks for reading.

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time and have so much to worry about. Covid makes a tough time even harder. Absolutely go and see him and provide support. Family are everything. I’ve been super strict throughout but I wouldn’t hesitate to say that you should visit. I’m sure this would be covered by providing care in terms of the rules too. Either way go and see them, give him the care and contact that he needs and please don’t worry about the rules. If you see neighbours just explain your parents aren’t well. I hope they are both better soon. We live in a tier two area and one of our neighbours has been unwell and in and out of hospital I’ve seen their daughter visiting him and his wife and I wouldn’t dream of reporting them, support is so important.

It is legal - no matter what tier you are in - to see people for health related issues or if you have reasonable grounds to believe there is risk to their wellbeing either physical or mental.

It is listed as an exception to any rules that apply.

Therefore just go and do what you need to do.

Your Dad is 70 - it isnt going to help him get better if he gets covid. So how much of a risk do you pose to him and what are you willing to do to minimise the risk to him and your mother?

I may be heading from a low risk into a high risk area to provide care for a relative. I'll do that despite the risk to me but I will also be wearing a mask and effectively isolating before I go so that I dont add to the risks there.

I doubt the police would stop me and if they did I'd have a card ready to hand through the window of the car explaining the position. As long as you dont act like an aggressive arse if queried no-one is going to make a fuss.

Visiting isnt the only way you can help - texts or phone calls, video messages, sending a small gift that shows you are thinking of him all help.

Go and see your parents please. They clearly need you and your family around and you all may be what is required to lift his mood.

Of course ypou go. It will make you feel better, it will reassure your parents, you can look after them while you're there.

For my Dad I cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen and fridge, batch cooked all afternoon to fill ther freezer, changed the bed and otherwise did some of the chores he struggles with. He sat in the kitchen with a cuppa and we chatted all day. It did us both the world of good.

@OreoBreakfast if your mum has had an ambulance out then the neighbours probably know someone in the house is unwell without you knocking on doors (and you'd hope might realise why someone else is now at the house). Personally I'm not convinced as much reporting goes in as MN threads would have you believe.

Oh go. Don't second guess yourself. Your parents are in need of care, emotional and physical. My dad had a breakdown and it was horrific. He and mum needed heaps of support until they came out the other side. Nothing, nothing would of stopped me. Go, its perfectly justifiable within the guidance, but to be frank, if it wasn't I wouldn't give a damn anyway (and I've followed all guidance to the letter).

Go, and do what you can. Best wishes to your parents, it's not an easy time. X

This is the legal text for exemptions under all Tiers:

Exception 3: gatherings necessary for certain purposes
(4) Exception 3 is that the gathering is reasonably necessary—

(d)to provide emergency assistance;
(e)to enable one or more persons in the gathering to avoid injury or illness or to escape a risk of harm;
(f)to provide care or assistance to a vulnerable person, including relevant personal care within the meaning of paragraph 7(3B) of Schedule 4 to the Safeguarding Vulnerable Groups Act 2006(28);

Given your father's mental state and your mother's recent trip to hospital you are covered and can reasonably say to each of them that you have reason to see them.

@terrywynne, yes, I had thought about that actually. It was the middle of the night, but I I suspect even at that time they'd have been plenty of curtain twitching with all the lights andeverything, so hopefully that would add to people's sensitivity.

We're not close (geographically) at all, so it's difficult to do in a day, especially with child care issues on top. I presume staying over wouldn't be within the rules (?)

Go 100%

[quote OreoBreakfast]@terrywynne, yes, I had thought about that actually. It was the middle of the night, but I I suspect even at that time they'd have been plenty of curtain twitching with all the lights andeverything, so hopefully that would add to people's sensitivity.

We're not close (geographically) at all, so it's difficult to do in a day, especially with child care issues on top. I presume staying over wouldn't be within the rules (?)[/quote]
Its within the rules if the purposes of your business are as above and its not viable for you to return the same day safely.

you are allowed even within the rules to help the vunerable and you can travel between areas 1 and 2

So of course you can - just social distance and use masks if possible.

They need help. Can you go alone and see them and move in for a while to join their household and support them.

@TiersTiersTiers, unfortunately not. If we had enough space, we would suggest they came here for a while - potentiall locking down together. I would say they could have our room and we could squeeze in to the box room (can just about fit a double) but it certainly wouldn't be ideal. I'm almost certain they'd say no if it meant we had to move.

just go these tiers make no sense anyway seeing as some in tier 3 can go t the gym and others cant

next door have had carers family allsorts over i dont give a crap

I’d go if I were you.
Tbh if they are tier 2 like I am tier 2 - in an area where the rate is 67 in 100000 - I’d be even more inclined to go!

I really don’t think you’d be shouting yourself in the foot by knocking on a few doors, explaining the situation and even asking if the neighbours could sensitively keep an eye on your parents and give them your number in case they need to contact you.
It’s entirely within the rules of caring for vulnerable people and this would have the twin benefits of giving them an explanation and having others alert to your parents health

OMG OP, hope you have now gone to care for your parents.

I am in Tier 2 - last week two workmen were in my house replacing windows, another man came to measure up for blinds and this week my gas boiler was serviced.