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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider seeing my mum and dad (tier 2) Dad is having a breakdown

93 replies

OreoBreakfast · 20/10/2020 09:18

Hi,

So my dad became unwell about 6 weeks ago and I managed to see him before tier 2 was introduced in their area and whereas he wasn't at his worst back then, he'd aged so much, not just physically, but mentally and that was only a couple of weeks into his illness. It was quite heartbreaking. He suddenly looked "old" and frail. He is 70. He is on strong medication for anxiety and depression and I am certain he has had/is having, a complete breakdown. Very emotional, shakey, doesn't want to get out of bed, little appetite, fearful, with a constant sense of impending doom. Although the meds are helping a bit I think.

He has always had a darkness in him. Lots of self loathing, regret, negative energy etc and I think this was inevitable at some point and with everything going on, it's not surprising it's happened now.

My mum has decided she will "fix him" and just isn't looking after herself. She has been rushed to A&E with sky high blood pressure and recently had an ambulance out. She is one of those " Oh I'm fine, don't worry about me darling" mums. I am worried. Very worried, about both of them.

My dad is desperate to see us. He keeps talking about us and crying apparently. I think he's terrified he won't see us again.

We are tier 1, but obviously that makes no difference if they are tier 2.

I just don't know what to do. I feel utterly helpless and incredibly sad. I'm worried my dad will never be the same again.

Does anyone have any advice? Could this be seen as a support bubble? I wouldn't have thought so given they have each other.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Whenwillow · 20/10/2020 09:39

Yes, absolutely I would go. You've always been allowed to go to give support to a vulnerable person. I have been doing so with my mum and a vulnerable elderly neighbour since before the original lockdown . With care of course, but it's entirely within reason.
Best wishes to you and your family Flowers

movingonup20 · 20/10/2020 09:39

You can visit for care reasons, always have been able to. As the police told me when I asked in April, they are not going to stop or fine anyone with legitimate need - this isn't a social visit

WouldBeGood · 20/10/2020 09:41

I’d just go and see them. What a horrible situation.

Go and visit and hopefully you will all feel a little better.

Peridot1 · 20/10/2020 09:41

Definitely go. It’s providing mental health support to both of them.

Even if they are in tier 2 I can’t imagine they are going out and about very much if at all so I would think your risk from them is low. And you are in a tier one area so risk is low there too. Be careful obviously.

partofyoupoursoutofme · 20/10/2020 09:42

Go. As pp have said, it's within the rules, but even if it wasn't it should be! This situation is devastating people's mental health and we need to do what we think is right. All the best to you and your family xx

StoicWalrus · 20/10/2020 09:43

Just adding to the chorus that this is allowed so don't even think twice about it.

andadietcoke · 20/10/2020 09:45

If he is over 70 then counts as vulnerable and 'caring' for him in his house (or yours) is an exemption.

Coldandwet123 · 20/10/2020 09:51

Definitely go.
Just because something is a rule, it doesn't always make it morally ok. We've now become a society of rule following (nothing wrong in that) but feel worried about doing something that is right. You might regret not seeing them whilst the tier thing is happening.
I hope seeing you lifts your dad's spirits a little.

Mondaymanic · 20/10/2020 09:53

I'm sorry but if this was me it'd be screw the rules. You need to go and see him.. Even outdoor walks if you feel more comfortable

Di11y · 20/10/2020 09:55

This would come under an exemption due to caring duties. If it were me I'd form a support bubble (even though it's only supposed to be 1) and have no qualms about seeing them as often as needed. Doesn't sound like they're going anywhere.

spiderlight · 20/10/2020 09:57

Go - 100% go.

It sounds trivial, but has your dad been checked for a UTI? They can present very strangely in older people. My poor mum spent two weeks in a dreadful state on an inpatient psychiatric ward for what turned out to be a severe UTI impacting her mental state.

Cloudybean · 20/10/2020 09:58

Yes go see them, pretty sure this would fall under caring responsibilities which has always been permitted.

Wakemeuuuup · 20/10/2020 09:58

I agree with everyone else. Your parents need you, go help them

HappydaysArehere · 20/10/2020 10:02

This is not socialising, this is necessity. Nothing would have kept me from visiting my parents when they were unwell and suffering. They died some years ago but I was only thinking about this the other day and deciding that I would still have gone every week to see them even though I had a journey on buses, train and underground. Sometimes a decision has to be made about putting your closest loved ones first and as long as you don’t consider yourself a risk to them that should be your priority.

ptumbi · 20/10/2020 10:08

Of course you go.

What are we becoming if we question this? Angry

Woventabby · 20/10/2020 10:15

Exceptions in Tier 2 restrictions listed in the Government website includes ”to provide emergency assistance, and to avoid injury or illness, or to escape a risk of harm”

You can provide assistance to mental health emergency of your dad.

zoemum2006 · 20/10/2020 10:16

My mum has become blind in the last few years (she's only 63!) and my dad and my brother both work full time (although they try to manage shifts so she's not alone).

I went to see her on Sunday to keep her company and take her some food. We researched that I'm able to do this but TBH I would have still done it anyway.

Your parents need you.

JustSaying101 · 20/10/2020 10:24

Absolutely go and see them, OP. Consider your parents becoming part of your bubble as they are elderly and vulnerable. Obviously, take precautions keeping clean, hand gel, wear a mask etc. Mental health is so important. Do not worry about lockdowns and tiers - you must do what is right to do and with a common sense approach. Wishing you and your family all the best.

Grapesoda7 · 20/10/2020 10:29

Definatly go and see them regularly, they need your support and you will feel better too.

This covid situation isn't going away anytime soon, I think anybody with elderly parents needs to feel that's it's OK to look after them.

My dad is 84, my mum late 70s. I'd stayed away (tier 2),
Then they both had serious health issues the other week and I thought if anything happened to them and I'd not seen them for ages, it would be one of my biggest regrets.

PurpleFrames · 20/10/2020 10:42

You don't need anyone's permission.

Go to your parents!

If you're scared of a fine or whatever... think would you rather get told off by the police or have guilt for the rest of your life 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
OreoBreakfast · 20/10/2020 10:47

Thank you for all your replies.

I have to say, I'm very emotional reading them. I will call my mum and see what she says. I don't want to add to any of their worries and I know they'd be concerned a neighbour might report us and I'm very mindful not to rock the boat, in terms of my dads mental state.

OP posts:
FlouncingBabooshka · 20/10/2020 10:52

I’m so sorry to hear this @OreoBreakfast Flowers. Haven’t been able to read all the replies and I’m sure this will have been mentioned already but I’m certain this would be covered by the providing support to the elderly/vulnerable clause.

Wishing you and your parents well.

Asterion · 20/10/2020 10:52

Definitely go. Care giving is excluded, and you would be giving essential care.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 20/10/2020 10:55

Oh op I'm so sorry you have this worry. As everyone else has said of course you go and see them. It is a wellbeing and caring situation.

This make me so sad when we have so many peoole who aren't complying, carrying on seeing friends and doing their all important 'socialising ' while the genuine and their vulnerable relatives are sticking to rules.

I hope they're ok Flowers.

Grapesoda7 · 20/10/2020 10:57

Maybe explain to your parents that you've looked into it and it is allowed under the rules as your dad is unwell and vulnerable.

All the best to you and your family, I really hope things get easier soon.