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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents visiting new baby

74 replies

mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 07:17

Posting as I need some outside perspective! I had my first baby in June. I live in England with DH, parents live in Ireland. Parents are 60ish, no underlying health conditions. Due to Covid, parents haven’t come to meet our new baby yet, and are unlikely to in the near future, or even medium term. Parents are being v cautious and essentially shielding at home, even though they don’t have any underlying conditions.

I am upset that they haven’t come to visit. I have tried telling myself that it’s understandable given the situation with Covid, but if I’m honest, deep down I’m still really disappointed. I can’t imagine not coming to meet my first grandchild.

They could drive and take the boat and sit outside, so to me the risk on the journey itself would be fairly minimal. We are happy to effectively self isolate for 2 weeks before they come and while they are here to make sure we don’t pass to them.

I know there are people much worse affected by Covid, and I have no real right to complain. And yet we are the only ones of our friends with new babies where grandparents haven’t visited yet (including ones who live much further away than ours). Obviously also wouldn’t expect them to do it at a time when travel is breaking the rules, but for most of the time since July, they wouldn’t have been. But AIBU expecting them to at least consider coming to visit? Or do I just need to accept that their perception of risk is different to mine.

I also feel that with Covid now getting worse we have missed a valuable “window” to visit while things weren’t so bad, with no end insight now! I think that is why it has started to annoy me more in the last week or so.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/10/2020 07:18

If they aren't willing or able to travel could you?

MindyStClaire · 20/10/2020 07:24

YANBU not to be hugely disappointed, but I voted YABU as if they're not comfortable travelling you can't expect them to.

I have to say, I wouldn't have fancied travel over the summer. And for most or all of that time they would've had to isolate for a fortnight when they returned home under the Irish rules.

I also had a baby over the summer though, and I do appreciate how shit it's been.

FelicityPike · 20/10/2020 07:24

Why haven’t you gone to them?
Distance is the same both ways.

MJMG2015 · 20/10/2020 07:32

Why couldn't you have gone there

It does seem a shame you've all missed the 'window' in the summer when cases were lower & bring outside was easier/nicer

However, 'meeting a baby' is kind of an odd thing. It's nice to have a cuddle, but you don't get to know them if you're just there fir a week or so & the baby doesn't really get much out of it, nothing 'long term'. Do you FaceTime/Skype with them? Your baby will come to recognise their faces/voices if you do

I don't want to worry you, but it's also possible that your parents haven't told you about an underlying condition. (Im diabetic, but I haven't told my family, I don't want the fuss & continual questioning over what I'm eating or not eating etc. I eat low carb that's all they know).

I'm sorry you're upset (& maybe a feeling a bit embarrassed/'less' if all your friends parents have been to visit their babies)

WhatamessIgotinto · 20/10/2020 07:37

Well I don't understand it either but you can't make them do something that they're uncomfortable with. Why can't you go to them?

Oilyoilyoilgob · 20/10/2020 07:41

Could you go over and in effect ‘isolate’ with them for a two week stay? Now the new rules in Ireland have just been brought in they may be even more hesitant to travel. Although I’d check travel status for you as that may have changed with their newest lockdown.

Due to family illness, last month we took the ferry across (no fast ferry with Irish ferries was running at that time) and it was very very quiet. We’d taken pack up and wore our masks throughout but we barely saw anyone on the ferry-very safe. You could top your car up with petrol just before getting on and not have to stop until getting to your parents?

You now can’t go further than 5km from your house in Ireland though, pubs and restaurants are now takeaway/delivery only.

Sounds like a tough situation and I hope you can get something sorted 🙂

Merryhobnobs · 20/10/2020 07:42

We have family members who live in NE England who had first baby in July. Grandparents live in N. Ireland and haven't visited and we are quite appalled but not surprised. It seems travelling outside of N. Ireland for that generation is a huge deal and our own MIL refuses to travel by herself so rarely sees our kids too. It is hurtful but not deliberate. Just a very different outlook on travel

flaviaritt · 20/10/2020 07:46

I think you have to accept that their perception of risk is different, but I also understand why you are sad.

Original poster
mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 07:47

We could go to them, but I haven’t wanted a new baby to be in a car for that long (7 hours driving in total) as I thought that wasn’t allowed? However, we will go at Christmas if we are allowed to by the rules.

OP posts:
Original poster
mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 07:50

Just reading through the rest....thanks all, I think you’re confirming what I already knew...I need to accept it’s ok to be sad, but also that they just have a different perspective on risk than I do...

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 20/10/2020 07:52

We are not allowed to travel from Ireland to uk.

And it sounds like you intend that they do a day trip by ferry to see you and the baby, outdoors? That's a huge ask, even if they live near the ferry, it's an early start and long day. Even if they can get on the ferry with restrictions on travel.

We have not been allowed to travel outside our county for at least the past fortnight, longer for some, and from midnight on Wednesday can only go within 5km of home with increased restrictions announced last night.

BiddyPop · 20/10/2020 07:54

And the rules on travelling to the UK have not changed since July, we had not been allowed there.

BiddyPop · 20/10/2020 07:55

(I was supposed to be going to a family member and have been waiting for restrictions to ease, have significant reasons to go but still not allowed).

Shopgirl1 · 20/10/2020 07:58

The Government advice in Ireland has been not to travel for months. It’s been blown up into a reckless dangerous thing to do. We are not allowed leave our counties, and now back to 5km restrictions from Wednesday. Even in the summer there were restrictions.
I think you need to be understanding while disappointed.
Did you consider going to visit them?

saraclara · 20/10/2020 08:05

You don't seem to be familiar with the restrictions in Ireland, OP. They're not the same as here. As the pp said, travelling anywhere has been more restricted and more frowned on in general than it has here, going by what my friend over there has been reporting.

BorderlineHappy · 20/10/2020 08:15

As sad as it is they haven't met your baby maybe they're worried about traveling.
I'm in Ireland,my cousin died in March in England and I didn't go to the funeral.

Original poster
mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 08:40

@BiddyPop I hadn’t realised that, not sure that’s the same everywhere in Ireland but it may be and they just haven’t said so, I haven’t looked into the Ireland rules myself. And no, I wouldn’t expect them to just meet outdoors, I’d be happy to have them stay with us (we would self isolate for 2 weeks before they got here).

But I do agree we have missed our window now, as it’s getting worse, the rules are changing here and I think I wouldn’t want them to risk it. I think that’s why I’m suddenly so disappointed.

They are still saying we are welcome to come to them at Christmas, but not sure I can see it happening, as to me the risk of us visiting them at Christmas will be far greater than them coming here in say August would have been. But lets see where we are by then, such an uncertain world! And I do know where are lucky overall, some people have been so much more badly impacted.

Also the person who mentioned about me feeling a bit ‘less’ or embarrassed - it’s definitely not embarrassed, but I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with ‘less’ - it’s made me question how close a relationship I really have with my parents particularly my mum, that they haven’t at least considered finding a safe way to come and visit me with my first baby - actually writing this is making me realise it’s more about me than the baby really! Perhaps that really is selfish!

OP posts:
Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 20/10/2020 08:51

I feel your pain @mangoandraspberries as my baby is now 5 months old and hasn't met my parents yet. At first they cancelled their trips when we were all anxious about the virus, then travel between our states was banned and now it looks unlikely they will meet her before she turns one. It's heartbreaking. But there is nothing to be done in my situation and it sounds like it will only get harder for you guys over the winter so although it's completely natural to be sad, disappointed and even hurt, you will have to find some way to accept it. I wish you all the best 🙂

Nottherealslimshady · 20/10/2020 08:59

I really dont agree with the whole "well why dont you go to them" argument. You've got a newborn baby, there are many reasons you dont want to travel for hours with a newborn baby. Unless you've got a fully lie flat car seat then baby isn't even allowed to travel that far, you'll have to keep stopping to get them out for a breather, and for feeds, and nappy changes. It's a lot easier for relatives to visit people with newborns than the other way round.
I do think it's sad they haven't visited, there have been times when it's been not so bad. You could have all isolated for 2 weeks. Could have made it work.
But at the end of the day, they weren't willing and you cant force them.

olivesnutsandcheese · 20/10/2020 09:05

It's them that has missed out though, not you or your baby. Do you face time with them?

Original poster
mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 09:06

Yes, we FaceTime every other day or so, so they’ve seen lots of the baby that way. But it’s just not the same...

But you are right, I can’t force them. And I don’t want it to impact my future relationship with them, so I do need to get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 09:10

@Zippetydoodahzippetyay so sorry you are in the same situation. I do hope they get to meet them at some point soonish.

OP posts:
Needallthesleep · 20/10/2020 09:11

A friend has exactly the same situation as you, she’s upset but understands. It’s also partially because the parents desperately don’t want to be responsible for passing on Covid to a newborn baby.

MsVestibule · 20/10/2020 09:13

I know you can try to rationalise it, but I'd feel the same way as you. A zombie apocalypse wouldn't have stopped my mum coming to meet my baby as soon as she possibly could and we don't always have the best relationship.

This year has been a tough time to have a baby and feeling 'less than' won't have helped. I hope you find a way of coming to terms with it and that when (if?!) this is all over, it doesn't affect your relationship with them.

Original poster
mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 09:19

@MsVestibule yes, when I really stop and think about it this is how I feel tbh - nothing would stop me visiting my daughters first child.

But I think it’s not helping me to think about it too much - I’d managed to not overthink it until this week when the restrictions got tighter again and it really sunk in that this isn’t going to end any time soon!

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