Parents visiting new baby

[mangoandraspberries]

Posting as I need some outside perspective! I had my first baby in June. I live in England with DH, parents live in Ireland. Parents are 60ish, no underlying health conditions. Due to Covid, parents haven’t come to meet our new baby yet, and are unlikely to in the near future, or even medium term. Parents are being v cautious and essentially shielding at home, even though they don’t have any underlying conditions.

I am upset that they haven’t come to visit. I have tried telling myself that it’s understandable given the situation with Covid, but if I’m honest, deep down I’m still really disappointed. I can’t imagine not coming to meet my first grandchild.

They could drive and take the boat and sit outside, so to me the risk on the journey itself would be fairly minimal. We are happy to effectively self isolate for 2 weeks before they come and while they are here to make sure we don’t pass to them.

I know there are people much worse affected by Covid, and I have no real right to complain. And yet we are the only ones of our friends with new babies where grandparents haven’t visited yet (including ones who live much further away than ours). Obviously also wouldn’t expect them to do it at a time when travel is breaking the rules, but for most of the time since July, they wouldn’t have been. But AIBU expecting them to at least consider coming to visit? Or do I just need to accept that their perception of risk is different to mine.

I also feel that with Covid now getting worse we have missed a valuable “window” to visit while things weren’t so bad, with no end insight now! I think that is why it has started to annoy me more in the last week or so.

Isolating isn’t an issue as they are retired. We can also isolate easily as I’m on maternity leave and husband is fully WFH.

But I do understand the point that Ireland has been stronger with their messaging around not travelling etc.

Under non Covid times they definitely would have visited. So I think it is anxiety about the virus that is the key issue. But it still hurts that they haven’t at least tried to come up with a way to visit, even if they ultimately decided it was too risky to actually do.

YABU.

You should be keeping up with the rules in Ireland if that’s where they’re from; you can’t just expect them to break the rules because you haven’t even bothered to check what they are.

And you say nothing would keep you from your first grandchild, but you really can’t say that because you have no idea.

It’s safer for your parents and your baby to keep their distance, so as upsetting as it is, you have to realise it’s not personal.

Just think for a second about what you are saying. You are calling a woman who is in a foreign country, with no family, after having a baby during a pandemic, selfish for basically wanting her parents to meet her child. You are saying they would be unreasonable to meet their first grandchild,

Why don't YOU think about what you are saying? All over the world, people can't meet their first, or any grandchildren. They have cancelled weddings, they have had family members die without saying good bye, they have had all kinds of issues and tragedies. And they FOLLOWED THE RULES, that are there for the good of all.

OP isn't special, or different, she's not exempt. Ireland is in Level 5 lockdown, we can't leave our own villages, let alone jaunt off to foreign countries. We are ALL having our own problems, and we ALL have a reason we could ignore the rules....and because some do, the rest of us are worse off.

So you know what...shove it. We all have reasons we want to go places, but we're not. We just have to live with it.

And you don't even know what you are talking about, with Irelands restrictions anyway,. so shut up advising others.

@DTI technically it's not in level 5 til tomorrow, so they could have travelled without restrictions.

I also do know what I am talking about. I am due a baby here in the UK in 2 weeks. I have watched the irish restrictions with a ridiculous amount of obsession to see if my irish parents could come over. I know everything, in crazy detail.

FYI. They are coming. My dad is WFH for the next 2 weeks, so basically isolating. My mom works in a care home, so she will be getting a test 2 dags before she flies and will wait for her negative result before she leaves. They will hire a car here, so no public transport. They will stay with us, so no contact with hotels or strangers. They sanitise, wear N95s. It's no more risky than a kid going to school or someone getting the bus to work.

I had post natal psychosis on my last baby. I went crazy. I am not doing that again, alone whole DH works, while I also have a 1 year old to prioritise.

Judge me all you want. I am not suffering just for some collective 'we we are all miserable, so you have to be too' when there are safe ways of travelling.

Op, sorry but you are being unreasonable to judge them and complain about their decision when you haven’t even “looked into” what restrictions they’re under.

And, you don’t KNOW for certain they’ve no underlying conditions. You may know that they’ve told you that, or more likely that they’ve just never mentioned any conditions, but lots of people are quite private about their health matters. Not one person in my family would know that I have 3 long term health issues for which I take medication every day. It’s simply none of their business and I’m a private person by nature so I tend not to tell people things like this.

technically it's not in level 5 til tomorrow, so they could have travelled without restrictions

No, they would still have had to self isolate for 2 weeks on their return to Ireland which was the guidance all summer long. We couldn't see relatives from the UK when they were in Ireland because my son would have had to stay out of school for 2 weeks after the last contact with them and I'd just started a new job so I couldn't keep him out anyway.

Wow that escalated quickly! I know different people have different views on Covid and that can make threads like this controversial!

@SqidgeBum I agree - there are ways of doing it, exactly as you explain that make it pretty safe, certainly compared to e.g. the numbers of people I see packed into restaurants and bars here every weekend (we haven’t been inside a restaurant since March!). I hope all is well after your baby gets here and you feel ok, sounds scary.

Under non Covid times they definitely would have visited. So I think it is anxiety about the virus that is the key issue. But it still hurts that they haven’t at least tried to come up with a way to visit, even if they ultimately decided it was too risky to actually do

Mango you seem to have completely missed the message on here that they are not allowed to visit you - or would have to quarantine for 2 weeks on return. That's a big ask.

It's not about anxiety or selfishness or anything else. They are not legally able to, other than in extremely restricted circumstances.

It’s just such a crap situation, I’d have felt exactly the same as you OP (have also just had a baby and would have been really upset if my parents hadn’t been able to visit, and this isn’t even my first). It’s likely they’re really upset by it too, is it partly that they’re worried about the risk to your baby as well as the rules/risk to them in general?

SqidgeBum I would do exactly the same as you in your situation, hope it all goes really well with the birth

@cologne4711 sorry, but I don’t think I have. My understanding is that for most of the summer they would simply have had to isolate for 2 weeks when they returned? And I’ve explained they could easily do that as they are retired - they aren’t going out much at all other than to the suoermarket which they could get delivered instead, so it really wouldn’t make much difference to them.

I get that the restrictions have tightened this week though, so now they aren’t allowed. But that wasn’t the case previously.

I took two babies regularly on 7hr trips down south to see my family.

You need to have regular breaks - it's not safe for the baby to be in the car seat that long - but 2 or 3 breaks and you're fine. Also suggest someone sits in the back with the baby so you can keep an eye on them.

On the plus side, at least they're being cautious? I know someone due a baby any minute and you'd think covid didn't exist listening to her! I had to remind her she's not allowed inside peoples homes and vice versa. Lots of posts of her pregnant hugging friends etc. Utter madness.

They're probably worried they're going to pass it onto your baby.

Thanks @StarUtopia, that’s reassuring. Hopefully we do get to go at Christmas!

oh and I would go sooner rather than later. I haven't seen my family since March now. So my kids haven't seen their grandparents in that long, and I'm missing my Mum and Dad. Now they're back in school I simply can't take the risk of taking Covid down with me as i don't get a 2 week window to isolate everyone before going.

Enjoy :) I'm sure you will. And your baby will be 6 months old by then, my two were both brilliant in the car by that age (far less worrying than a tiny newborn)

[quote SqidgeBum]@DTI leaving your house doesnt make you a dick. Meeting your grandchild doesn't make you a dick. Locking yourself away like OPs parents have is extreme. It's a result of extreme fear and having seen how the Irish media and government have managed this, they have not prepared their population for living with this virus long term, which is what is going to have to happen. They are just full of panic. That's not a good thing when we could be in the same position as we now this time next year. [/quote]
No ots abiding by the rules and regulations of their goverment.

[quote mangoandraspberries]@cologne4711 sorry, but I don’t think I have. My understanding is that for most of the summer they would simply have had to isolate for 2 weeks when they returned? And I’ve explained they could easily do that as they are retired - they aren’t going out much at all other than to the suoermarket which they could get delivered instead, so it really wouldn’t make much difference to them.

I get that the restrictions have tightened this week though, so now they aren’t allowed. But that wasn’t the case previously.[/quote]
Ots been that way for most of the summer. The only new thing is no traveling beyond 5km. Ireland has always been more strict with their lockdown. Isolating for 2 weeks after return has always been in place

@Leaannb when OP wanted her parents over, there were no rules about travel bar 2 weeks isolation on return, which OP said wouldnt be an issue. There are different rules now (well, from tomorrow). She has said this many times.

Also, the rules of 5kms doesnt apply when caring for someone. So a mother could fly to provide care for her daughter after her daughter gives birth if that daughter has nobody else to care for her. There are exemptions to the rules.

I think you are being a little unfair on them.
Some new parents have refused to allow GP to their baby because of risks.
Give them a bit of a break and find away round it.

It must be difficult for you. My sibling, who lives abroad, has just had the first grandchild of the family this summer. I know they want my parents to go & visit, but in their mid 60s, with underlying health conditions, they feel unsafe to travel on a 9 hour flight. My parents haven't even been anywhere outside of a supermarket for the last 6 months, let alone international flying. I'm sure my sibling is hurt, but personally I'd rather my parents stay safe where they are, especially as there's tech to stay in touch & support each other nowadays, and the very welcomed grandchild won't remember.

Good luck, and try not to take it personally. They just operate on a different risk level. They will meet, when/if our world ever returns to some kind of normality!

[quote SqidgeBum]@Leaannb when OP wanted her parents over, there were no rules about travel bar 2 weeks isolation on return, which OP said wouldnt be an issue. There are different rules now (well, from tomorrow). She has said this many times.

Also, the rules of 5kms doesnt apply when caring for someone. So a mother could fly to provide care for her daughter after her daughter gives birth if that daughter has nobody else to care for her. There are exemptions to the rules.[/quote]
Those rules jave been in place mpolst of the summer. Inclluding when Il was over last month. Visiting a new born child is not the same as providing care. Its a pain in the ass to have to jave to self isolate.

when OP wanted her parents over, there were no rules about travel bar 2 weeks isolation on return, which OP said wouldnt be an issue

This is NOT TRUE. People were told that if they absolute insistedon going, they had to isolate for 2 weeks after, but please do not go at all.
Stop talking bollocks.

@DTIsOnlyForNow

when OP wanted her parents over, there were no rules about travel bar 2 weeks isolation on return, which OP said wouldnt be an issue

This is NOT TRUE. People were told that if they absolute insistedon going, they had to isolate for 2 weeks after, but please do not go at all.
Stop talking bollocks.

Yes. I'm not in Ireland so probably shouldn't stick my nose in here, but that's exactly what I heard from Irish friends. Remember the big signs everywhere in the UK saying STAY HOME ? It's that sort of psychology that Ireland was using at the same point that Boris was encouraging us all out again over the summer.

@mangoandraspberries, it really bothers me that you're still not accepting that your parents have been under a different type of pressure over there, and that you're risking affecting your relationship with them by thinking that somehow they should have made more effort.

MNers over there would be the first to judge them for visiting you, given the pressure that was being put on Irish people not to make journeys even to the next county, never mind to England. Please empathise with them. They're probably terribly disappointed but trying to put a brave face on it.

The rules for travel FROM Ireland were no unnecessary journeys, and isolate for 14 days on return. Since the beginning of March.

Yes, some countries got onto a less restricted list earlier in the summer, but that was a very short (and only grew shorter) list. And the UK was never on that list as the rate of infections in the UK was too high compared to Ireland, so the "please don't travel unless essential" and 14 day isolation on return rules have always been in place for Ireland to UK travel (since the lockdown in March). There has been no relaxation of that.

Whatever about any relaxation from the UK side.

The 5km rule is from tomorrow night, but we haven’t been allowed leave our county for a few weeks, and all along it’s been no non essential travel and quarantine on return.
There were also counties in lockdown in the summer, depends where your parents are from, Kildare, Laois and Offaly, and later Donegal and Dublin.