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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents visiting new baby

74 replies

mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 07:17

Posting as I need some outside perspective! I had my first baby in June. I live in England with DH, parents live in Ireland. Parents are 60ish, no underlying health conditions. Due to Covid, parents haven’t come to meet our new baby yet, and are unlikely to in the near future, or even medium term. Parents are being v cautious and essentially shielding at home, even though they don’t have any underlying conditions.

I am upset that they haven’t come to visit. I have tried telling myself that it’s understandable given the situation with Covid, but if I’m honest, deep down I’m still really disappointed. I can’t imagine not coming to meet my first grandchild.

They could drive and take the boat and sit outside, so to me the risk on the journey itself would be fairly minimal. We are happy to effectively self isolate for 2 weeks before they come and while they are here to make sure we don’t pass to them.

I know there are people much worse affected by Covid, and I have no real right to complain. And yet we are the only ones of our friends with new babies where grandparents haven’t visited yet (including ones who live much further away than ours). Obviously also wouldn’t expect them to do it at a time when travel is breaking the rules, but for most of the time since July, they wouldn’t have been. But AIBU expecting them to at least consider coming to visit? Or do I just need to accept that their perception of risk is different to mine.

I also feel that with Covid now getting worse we have missed a valuable “window” to visit while things weren’t so bad, with no end insight now! I think that is why it has started to annoy me more in the last week or so.

OP posts:
MileyWiley · 20/10/2020 09:23

Why haven't you travelled to them and stayed in a nearby hotel?

Original poster
mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 09:24

@MileyWiley because I haven’t wanted to have a newborn in a car seat for 7 hours - I think 2 hours into 24hrs is the max recommended

OP posts:
MindyStClaire · 20/10/2020 09:29

It does sound like you haven't kept up with the Irish rules. What are they like normally? If in non covid times they definitely would've come, and if they've been supportive from afar I wouldn't take it personally, it's just another shitty covid thing.

And it's not selfish to think it's more about you, it's natural to want your mum when you've just had a baby, it's such a massive life event.

saraclara · 20/10/2020 09:39

nothing would stop me visiting my daughters first child.

You don't know that. If your first grandchild is born during a pandemic, you'll be bound by restrictions yourself.

My friend has cancer. She also has a ten month old granddaughter that she hasn't been able to see yet, because it's impossible for her or her son to travel from their respective countries. It's unbearably sad for them both.

SqidgeBum · 20/10/2020 09:47

I live in the UK. I am Irish. My parents are in their 50s live in Ireland. I am due my second baby in 2 weeks. I basically begged my mother to come over, even now with the lockdown in ireland, and she has said she will get over to me no matter what. I would be heartbroken if my parents didnt come over. I completely understand how you feel. It's very sad. I think ireland has scared the living daylights out of people and some people are terrified to leave their house. They must be really freaked by the virus to not come over.

NataliaOsipova · 20/10/2020 09:50

I know you can try to rationalise it, but I'd feel the same way as you. A zombie apocalypse wouldn't have stopped my mum coming to meet my baby as soon as she possibly could and we don't always have the best relationship.

I had a similar thought, to be honest - and my mother is pretty difficult/suits herself at the best of times. I can see why you’re upset. Yes, it’s been a very difficult time, but it wouldn’t have been impossible for them to come. “Different perceptions of risk” is a perfectly fair and valid explanation, but ultimately they have made the choice not to see their daughter and their new grandchild when their daughter would have liked them to...and I can see why the OP’s upset about their choice.

Mommabear20 · 20/10/2020 09:54

In the same boat as we had our DD (again my parents first grandchild) in june and one of them lives way down south. Haven't met baby yet and don't expect them too anytime soon. Yes it's annoying and upsetting but at the end of the day, baby won't remember their first meeting and it's them that's missing out. If you're that bothered, you need to be the one making the trip. I'm sad my DD hasn't met her grandparent yet but I'm not the one missing out and she's unaware so doesn't bother me too much.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 20/10/2020 10:18

Thanks @mangoandraspberries it's a really sucky situation. I hope you're able to travel for Christmas.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/10/2020 10:36

My dad is 77 and he's coming to visit 3 day old DS today - virus or no virus. I totally understand why you're disappointed OP - they're still young too.

Original poster
mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 10:46

Thanks all, and I’m so sorry to all of you in the same situation, it sucks. But in an odd way has helped to know it’s not just me. I hope you can all see them soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
mangoandraspberries · 20/10/2020 10:48

@NataliaOsipova your post has made me think whether I have really articulated to my parents that I would like them to come. I have hinted at it yes, but not actually said I am upset etc . So perhaps they don’t know I am bothered by it. Difficult - I don’t want to upset them!

OP posts:
1990shopefulftm · 20/10/2020 10:51

It's understandably difficult having a baby in a situation you didn't expect to have them. I know it's hard not to but try not to see it as them not caring about their grandchild as they seem to do so by wanting to video call and such.

My first baby is due next week and at the moment none of his grandparents will be meeting him for a few weeks at least which is both of our choice, my son isn't going to remember that time after all.

MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots · 20/10/2020 10:55

My best friend has a now year old daughter who has only met their grandparents on her side once (she’s is Cornwall, they’re in Norfolk). She also has a six year old. I think she hit the nail on the head when she was talking about it the other day.... she said “I know all the risks and all their reasons are valid for not visiting, but I feel like they’re finding it to easy not to see us and the kids in particular”.

LatteLover12 · 20/10/2020 11:03

I had a baby 5 weeks ago and no one has really 'met' him yet.

We're in the NE and the stricter, local lockdown came into force the day I left hospital. It's since been relaxed slightly by the change to tiers (tier 2 areas can now meet others outside) but we're still being very cautious. I might meet a friend for a walk/coffee next week but she won't be able to cuddle him.

All our family live close by but no one wants to take the risk of being the person that infects a newborn. It's hard (I'm on my own all day) but hopefully it's not forever.

NataliaOsipova · 20/10/2020 11:04

Forgive me if I’m ascribing words/thoughts to you that aren’t yours, @mangoandraspberries - but is part of the issue here that you wanted them to want to come (if that makes sense!)? Presumably if they’d been in New Zealand/had serious underlying health conditions and had been constantly expressing their disappointment about not having seen the baby, you’d feel differently? Or if they’d thought through every possibility for travel/accommodation and then decided they couldn’t? My take would be that what has actually upset you is their perceived lack of care or interest. It would upset me, too. In that case, I would be addressing it with them, even if gently - these are the sort of feelings and resentments that don’t go away and it’s probably fairer to them that they understand your perspective.

bethany39 · 20/10/2020 11:07

I think you should take a look at the Irish restrictions OP - things are much tighter over there and have been for the whole time. Last I saw was that people are supposed to stay within 5km of their homes. I imagine your parents simply think they shouldn't visit in that context.

Thesheerrelief · 20/10/2020 11:10

They would also have to isolate for two weeks on their return back to Ireland which might not be possible with jobs if they are working.

I get why you're upset. The advice in Ireland is very much not to travel right now and there's recently been a case in the press of someone who didn't self isolate after returning from abroad and he spread covid to 56 people. Your parents are probably worried about your safety, too

courtwood · 20/10/2020 11:11

Hi OP
Travel in Ireland is very restricted. No leaving the county of residence except for work or compassionate care. Ryanair have closed hubs at Shannon and Cork . Foreign travel is discouraged even to the UK. Your parents would have to isolate for two weeks on return from UK if they travelled.
From tomorrow night we cannot go further than 5km from home as part of level 5 restrictions for six weeks.
I'm sure your parents feel bad about not getting to meet baby but I doubt that they're deliberately avoiding you.

courtwood · 20/10/2020 11:16

Sorry, I meant to say back in late July to early September when we could leave
Ireland we had to quarantine for two weeks on return,

Keratinsmooth · 20/10/2020 11:40

Travel restrictions are in place, if you travel to Ireland you will need to self isolate for two weeks, I think non essential travel to uk from Ireland is restricted

DTIsOnlyForNow · 20/10/2020 11:50

It's very sad. I think ireland has scared the living daylights out of people and some people are terrified to leave their house. They must be really freaked by the virus to not come over.

Or, more accurately, we have more sense, listen to expert advice, and are less dickish on the whole than the UK Hmm

SqidgeBum · 20/10/2020 12:49

@DTI leaving your house doesnt make you a dick. Meeting your grandchild doesn't make you a dick. Locking yourself away like OPs parents have is extreme. It's a result of extreme fear and having seen how the Irish media and government have managed this, they have not prepared their population for living with this virus long term, which is what is going to have to happen. They are just full of panic. That's not a good thing when we could be in the same position as we now this time next year.

DTIsOnlyForNow · 20/10/2020 13:01

Leaving your house to leave the fucking country when you've been told not to, is being a dick. We're not going to take advice from the UK anyway, you guys royally fucked up the whole thing from the start, so take your "living in fear" bullshit and maybe follow the rules a bit more.

saraclara · 20/10/2020 13:06

Travel in Ireland is very restricted. No leaving the county of residence except for work or compassionate care.

Yep. You're asking a lot of your parents, OP. They wouldn't just be slightly bending the rules, they'd be thoroughly breaking them, even if they didn't care about their own risk.

Did you really not research the rules over there before judging them for their response?

SqidgeBum · 20/10/2020 13:22

Just think for a second about what you are saying @DTI. You are calling a woman who is in a foreign country, with no family, after having a baby during a pandemic, selfish for basically wanting her parents to meet her child. You are saying they would be unreasonable to meet their first grandchild, when the chances of getting coronavirus on a plane is 0.003%. Its basically non existent. Also, care of a vulnerable person comes under a reasonable reason for travel. After having a baby, with no family support, believe me, you are vulnerable. Not to mention OP has has her child during during summer while ireland has not been in lockdown and there has been no travel restrictions. The new lockdown literally happened last night.

God. This virus really has turned people into cold hearted shells. I would hate to think I was lacking in such empathy towards a woman who just wants to see her mother.