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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to “support bubble”?

98 replies

rheafern · 19/10/2020 23:00

We are very close to a family who lives nearby. They are lovely people, we all get on really well. Countless dinners, walks and laughs over the years. As soon as the new restrictions were announced, the mum, my friend, asked if we could be in a support bubble with them. I said, yes, let’s do it. The problem is that as soon as I started thinking and discussing it with DH, it became clear to us that we couldn’t actually. She said that, as a single parent, she could form a support bubble with another family. The problem is that she’s not in a single-adult household, as she has a lodger (lovely and supportive by the way!). I also thought that because she’s already in a bubble with her ex, with the children staying with him a couple of days a week, she couldn’t really form a second bubble with another household. So two reasons in my understanding. I was quite embarrassed to have to point out what I saw as obvious reasons to her, so obvious to me that I’d be implying she knew she’d be cheating... So I wasn’t clear in my messages from the beginning. I first mentioned the issue about her ex to see if the bubble idea would burst without me having to go into more detail. But she said that when you share custody, that doesn’t count as a bubble. Then I raised the single-adult household issue. To this she said her understanding of the rules were different to mine. Then she suggested that I was making excuses and didn’t want to join her bubble (to her daughter who told mine). That really pissed me off as there was nothing to do with not wanting that. I explained to her I just wanted to make sure I was following the rules. She then went a bit cold, cancelled an outdoors meeting we were having later... I’m feeling guilty that the way I dealt with it made her feel rejected but I’m also quite angry that someone I’ve been so close to would interpret things as she’s a victim when there are other people suffering much more and obviously at risk if we don’t stick to the rules. But have I got the rules on single-adult households wrong? Should I apologise or leave it?

OP posts:

Peace43 · 20/10/2020 07:47

You are right about the lodger, wrong about the ex. My DD sees her Dad because he is her Dad but I don’t come within 2 meters of him at drop off or pick up and he is not my support bubble. However if lodger lives in my house then i would not be a single adult household and therefore not entitled to a support bubble.

Quartz2208 · 20/10/2020 08:08

How about a childcare bubble?

Pinkdelight3 · 20/10/2020 08:14

*These rules are total nonsense . Sorry . If she needs your support as a friend do it .

I never want to hear the term bubbles again it's so stupid .*

In this instance, i totally agree. Your kids are mixing with loads kids every day at school and you're being like this when a friend needs help. Just use your common sense. The politicians don't evenfollow their own ridiculous rules.

Ideasplease322 · 20/10/2020 08:22

This lady sounds like she is struggling. But she isn’t a single adult household.

I am a single adult household - until the bubble I only saw the lady at the click and collect once a week. It was none crushingly lonely.

Your friend sees her lodger every day. I am not saying she isn’t lonely, but it’s not the same as living alone. One person in a house with no one to talk to.

We all do what we feel comfortable with, and I think it’s really sad that people are criticise others for how they chose to live with this risk.

saraclara · 20/10/2020 08:27

@OverTheRainbow88

Wow, someone kicked out a lodger to form a bubble during a pandemic. What has the world come to?!!

OP I think you are being unreasonable and unkind. Your friend clearly needs support, I’m not sure how you could say no on the basis that she doesn’t live alone.

Good Friendships are hard to find and will outlive covid.

Assuming you're talking about me, no, I did not kick him out. He chose to move on (it was only ever a temporary arrangement until he could view places to rent) because he knew I'd been unable to see my new grandchild, and didn't want to be a barrier to me now having the opportunity to do so.

Fortunately rental agencies opened up at the same time, and he's happy and comfortable where he is now, thanks.

notalwaysalondoner · 20/10/2020 08:32

I think she probably feels you’re being a pedant for the rules when actually her ex is clearly not any kind of support for her and nor is a lodger likely to be. She was probably hoping you’d recognise that and overlook the word of the law so to speak, as many people would be happy to do.

But technically the lodger probably does “count” so if you’re not comfortable just tell her out right. Don’t dance around and make it all about the rules and if it’s “allowed” as a lot of people frankly would see that the rules can’t cover every single circumstance. But you are allowed to make your own mind up but at least be honest that you aren’t comfortable being flexible with the rules even for her...

Sarahandco · 20/10/2020 08:51

Why do you need to be a bubble? cant you meet outside as you have been, going for walks etc. If someone who is a good friend really needs support I would give it.

billy1966 · 20/10/2020 08:54

I read you are trying to follow the rules.

Her involving the children is not nice and says a lot about her.

You can support people by regularly phoning them.

everybodysang · 20/10/2020 09:09

Christ it's so depressing how many people are piling on the OP for trying to follow the rules.

The rules around this are slightly confusing - the answer has been clarified - and still everyone's waaahing on about it being confusing and you should fuck the rules and just do what you like.

This argument that it was hard in lockdown before so you're not going to follow the rules any more just makes you all sound like recalcitrant toddlers.

everybodysang · 20/10/2020 09:09

also - just meet her outside. You're allowed to do that.

ReneeRol · 20/10/2020 09:27

Her lodger is a business arrangement, not a friend, partner or support. She's facing being alone with her kids and nobody when they're with their dad. Of course she's upset. If your reasons were having a high risk person in your home so you don't want to risk anybody, that would be fine.

It's not, your reasons are concern for the most narrow interpretation of the law rather than your friends mental health. You're not a genuine friend because you're not thinking of her at all.

saraclara · 20/10/2020 09:33

@ReneeRol

It's not, your reasons are concern for the most narrow interpretation of the law rather than your friends mental health. You're not a genuine friend because you're not thinking of her at all.

If the friend was a genuine friend, she wouldn't put OP under pressure to break the rules, and punish her by cancelling the planned get together.

LeroyJenkinssss · 20/10/2020 09:34

Does the lodger have to count your friend as his bubble?? Jeez that’s harsh. I mean they might get on alright but it’s meant to be for mental health support.

I would also take it that you were willing to put vague changing rules over your friendship. And potentially view you as quite smug with your DH at home with you saying that the lodger should be support enough.

NataliaOsipova · 20/10/2020 09:34

Should I apologise or leave it?

I think the most important thing here is how much you want to keep this friend. It’s all very well for all and sundry on Mumsnet to tell you that the rules are the most important thing, but you’ve clearly upset a close friend. She may have told her DD you were going to be able to get together after you agreed - and then had to explain to the child that you had subsequently reneged (ie she hasn’t necessarily “dragged the kids into it” in the way a pp suggested).

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 20/10/2020 09:37

I don’t really know anyone in real life following the rules thy closely. It seems to only be happening on Mumsnet.

AnneOfTeenFables · 20/10/2020 09:37

The OP didn't understand the rules. She thought the ex counted as a support bubble but put no effort in to check if that was the case.
So yy OP is entitled to change her mind but she should just have been open and clear about it rather than pretending it was about following rules. I think the friend is upset at the OP for fudging and trying to get the friend to withdraw her request rather than the OP owning her decision.

LillianGish · 20/10/2020 09:53

Assuming none of you is high risk, I don’t understand why you couldn’t continue to meet up with her outdoors and why your kids couldn’t continue to play together (presumably they are still going to school and so come into contact with loads of people there). I think you could at least have met up and discussed your concerns with her face to face rather than sending texts. The problem here seems to be the fact that you and/or your DH are absolute sticklers for the rules (which are pretty arbitrary and ever changing and not actually adhered to by the rule-makers themselves) while she is going for a looser interpretation - ie limiting social contact by only socialising with your family.

SniffyMiffy · 20/10/2020 09:56

The ex-partner/ shared custody thing is allowed and unless she has close contact / socialises with him, doesn't count as a bubble.
However, a lodger, if they share kitchen and / or bathroom facilities, means she doesn't count as a single person household so isn't eligible to form a bubble with anyone anyway.
So you're right and she's wrong.
And even if you were to decide to form an illegal bubble with her, remember that in forming any bubble you are opening your household up to all those other households: hers and anyone / anywhere else she sees / goes; her lodger and anyone / anywhere else s/he sees / goes; her ex and anyone / anywhere else he sees / goes. That's a lot of extra contacts you don't know. Nobody HAS to form a bubble with anyone if they don't want to.

saraclara · 20/10/2020 09:58

So much emotional blackmail going on in this thread. OP isn't obliged to bubble with anyone, whether or not that person's situation fits the criteria.

The friend has a lovely friendly and supportive lodger, according to the OP, as well as her children. She's not a lonely isolated elderly person with no company. So there's absolutely no reason too make OP feel bad about saying no. They can still meet like any other friends, they just have to distance. OP isn't refusing to see her friend, she just wants to maintain the same social distance as she would with any other friend.

People are acting like the friend has no-one and the OP is refusing to see her at all.

Blondiney · 20/10/2020 10:12

YANBU but I can't help but feel for your friend.

pennylane83 · 20/10/2020 10:24

Support bubbles are all about having emotional support so your not isolated and alone when you really need interaction to help you through a difficult time - don't really see how that 'bubble' can be created with someone you have had a bitter split from and the only reason you have contact with each other is to hand over the children every other week or how a lodger that you simply share bathroom/kitchen facilities with can fulfil those needs when your mental health is on the floor.

saraclara · 20/10/2020 13:15

@pennylane83

Read the OP. The lodger isn't just a bathroom sharer. S/he is lovely and supportive.

Original poster

rheafern · 21/10/2020 08:49

Thank you so much everyone for the replies. It was really useful to read them all. Not that I agree with all but they gave me an insight into how she might be thinking. I definitely handled it badly with that terrible mix of being pedantic and inaccurate! Shouldn’t have done it by text and should have properly checked the rules. It’s still a fact that she can’t form a bubble because of the lodger. And deep inside I think she knew that and should not have put me in that position. I think my messy reaction was also a response to a feeling that she is too ready to ignore some rules if convenient (while still ready to criticise the guys without a mask on the bus for example). And, without hesitating, wanted me to do the same when we are clearly different on that. In our house, for example, we quarantined for 14 days after a trip while she was planning to go back to work the day after arriving back from a foreign holiday (that ended up being cancelled). So there was a bit of resentment on my part for being pushed to do something against my nature. I’m actually very surprised to see how so many people seem to be completely ready to ignore the rules. I was not expecting that at all. My levels of anxiety would go through the roof if I were to be in an illegal bubble. She’s definitely struggling with issues in her love life and I’ve been supporting her with that and will continue to do so, but not indoors. Her children are teenagers, fairly independent. And the lodger is a friendly and loving young lady who has a drink with her in the evenings, sometimes goes out with her, makes excellent company actually. But I agree with some that this is not about the quality of the lodger. And I’ll apologise to her when my own feelings have settled. Thank you all very much.

OP posts:

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