AIBU to say no to “support bubble”?

[rheafern]

We are very close to a family who lives nearby. They are lovely people, we all get on really well. Countless dinners, walks and laughs over the years. As soon as the new restrictions were announced, the mum, my friend, asked if we could be in a support bubble with them. I said, yes, let’s do it. The problem is that as soon as I started thinking and discussing it with DH, it became clear to us that we couldn’t actually. She said that, as a single parent, she could form a support bubble with another family. The problem is that she’s not in a single-adult household, as she has a lodger (lovely and supportive by the way!). I also thought that because she’s already in a bubble with her ex, with the children staying with him a couple of days a week, she couldn’t really form a second bubble with another household. So two reasons in my understanding. I was quite embarrassed to have to point out what I saw as obvious reasons to her, so obvious to me that I’d be implying she knew she’d be cheating... So I wasn’t clear in my messages from the beginning. I first mentioned the issue about her ex to see if the bubble idea would burst without me having to go into more detail. But she said that when you share custody, that doesn’t count as a bubble. Then I raised the single-adult household issue. To this she said her understanding of the rules were different to mine. Then she suggested that I was making excuses and didn’t want to join her bubble (to her daughter who told mine). That really pissed me off as there was nothing to do with not wanting that. I explained to her I just wanted to make sure I was following the rules. She then went a bit cold, cancelled an outdoors meeting we were having later... I’m feeling guilty that the way I dealt with it made her feel rejected but I’m also quite angry that someone I’ve been so close to would interpret things as she’s a victim when there are other people suffering much more and obviously at risk if we don’t stick to the rules. But have I got the rules on single-adult households wrong? Should I apologise or leave it?

I agree with milveycrohn, her lodger can’t count as a support bubble, neither her ex.
I feel sorry for her, life is very lonely for single parents atm.

Adult children of single parents stop support bubbles which I think is odd. Especially a single mum with an 18 year old lad still in school.

Mentioning the ex really does make it sound like excuses. Ex’s are not support bubbles and wouldn’t help most people’s mental health and social interaction one bit, they are exes for a reason. I understand the extra exposure bit but you wrote a message about all the rules and got them wrong.

Wouldn't her house be treated as a multi-occupancy household and each individual considered separately?

I really don't know anymore, just an idea!

@greenlynx

I agree with milveycrohn, her lodger can’t count as a support bubble, neither her ex. I feel sorry for her, life is very lonely for single parents atm.

You're both wrong. From www.gov.uk/guidance/making-a-support-bubble-with-another-household

What a support bubble is
A support bubble is a close support network between a household with only one adult in the home (known as a single-adult household) and one other household of any size.

There are two adults in the home. So this person cannot bubble with OP's family.

Believe me, I would not have chosen for my lodger to have to go, and neither would he. But he recognised straight away that he couldn't deprive me of access to my daughter and new grandchild by continuing to stay with me.

It totally sounds like you're making excuses.

I would have formed a support bubble with her (assuming there was no one else in the running that you wanted to bubble with).
A lodger is someone who pays money to live there, no contractual expectations of support, they may have little / no interaction.

This is why so many people are not willing to comply any more. They mostly complied with the first lockdown, even if it made them penniless and monstrously depressed. Now they see it coming again - and people rejecting them only serves to make them think "fuck it".

If you want people to follow the rules, you need to be a bit flexible, when you can be, and when there's no particular risk.

No, stay as you are. She cannot be in a bubble with you.

You are being asked to increase your risk of catching a nasty disease that if it doesnt kill you could leave you disabled for months. Everyone thinks it wont be them, including the 33 year old fitness instructor in America who died of it recently.

The first question is whether you want to add to your risk by including all the lodger's contacts on top of the ones you have and your friend has. No-one has the right to make you feel bad for deciding you dont want to add to your risks.

She is being dramatic. Cancelling a meeting because you won't do what she wants makes her sound a bit unhinged. If you still want to remain friends with this woman you should tell her to get rid of her lodger. That way you will soon find out how important you are to her.

@Noti23

You will definitely get arrested because she has a lodger. Lodgers offer spectacular emotional and personal support.

From the OP:

"The problem is that she’s not in a single-adult household, as she has a lodger (lovely and supportive by the way!)"

@alreadytaken think he was Ukrainian not American

She's talking crap.
If she's not alone, she doesn't qualify to be in a bubble.

You are being asked to increase your risk of catching a nasty disease that if it doesnt kill you could leave you disabled for months

alreadytaken, agree. I would also note it is still possible that a subset of those coming under longcovid may have actually developed a chronic, disabling condition which won’t be over after a few months.

And to add to the above, those experiencing the umbrella term longcovid (v possible will be subsets) affects all ages and from self selected surveys so far age 30-50 is the highest risk group.

This kind of thing is what frightens me if this situation happens in future after I've lost my Mum (hopefully naturally of old age not to bloody covid).

If you're single and live alone, even though for me that's very much by choice - all the couples and families, who aren't already bubbled with a family member, are too scared to let you bubble with them if you ever have contact with anyone else through work / lodger / etc.

It's all "oh but the rules say no, you should just accept that" from people who have company and human touch and contact available 24/7.

So you're condemned to being on your own, no touch, no hugs, no socialising in a normal way with anyone for however long the rules are in place and the pandemic runs for. It's shit.

The lodger, unless already a good friend, doesn't really count - they could leave at any time and presumably if they were having a decent amount of contact and support she wouldn't have asked for a bubble with you?

I'd apologise and bubble with her although she's probably less keen now, knowing that you're more worried about the ever changing rules than her sanity.

I think the rules are ridiculously confusing, so I’m just ignoring them.

The OP is not wrong for following the rules, no matter how many people pile on her for doing so.

Look at it like this, if you say the lodger doesn’t count as a member of her household, then she doesn’t count as a member of his either. So essentially he could have a support bubble and have a family of any size come to stay, and she could do the same. That’s hardly forming a support bubble with one household then is it? Because she isn’t a single person household and neither is the lodger.

Until November (when my child turns eighteen) I count as a single person household. But the two people I could technically bubble with, I can’t, because my DP is in a shared household and. Only one person in a shared house can bubble with another, plus he lives over 100 miles away so would have to travel unnecessarily, and my parents live in a tier1 area whereas I am in tier2.

TBH as much as I see the reasoning, for support bubbles, things are so much easier in Wales where they’re not allowed.

Earlier PPs were right
Ex and child contact arrangement are excluded but lodger IS included as is still a two adult household even if not in relationship or family - it's about the household not whether they are fabulous company

She can't bubble as ineligible if she is tier 2 or 3 but can if you are in tier 1 area as still allowed 6 indoors as well as outdoors there

www.theguardian.com/world/2020/oct/15/tier-1-2-or-3-englands-three-stage-covid-lockdown-rules-explained

Ps. I am a single parent to three, I'm stuck in. I have managed without having friends stay over even when I could bc use my WhatsApp video and phone to keep in touch and see friends outdoors - it is tough on occasion, quiet and do able

I'm Curious how it applies to Returning adult just 18 uni students to their lone parent family homes, as suddenly they are another adult

Actually no that’s wrong, tier2 and 3 can still have a support bubble, but it is recommended that it is someone who is also in the same tier, and lives locally.

YABU.

@Sparticuscaticus

Earlier PPs were right Ex and child contact arrangement are excluded but lodger IS included as is still a two adult household even if not in relationship or family - it's about the household not whether they are fabulous company

She can't bubble as ineligible if she is tier 2 or 3 but can if you are in tier 1 area as still allowed 6 indoors as well as outdoors there

www.theguardian.com/world/2020/oct/15/tier-1-2-or-3-englands-three-stage-covid-lockdown-rules-explained

Ps. I am a single parent to three, I'm stuck in. I have managed without having friends stay over even when I could bc use my WhatsApp video and phone to keep in touch and see friends outdoors - it is tough on occasion, quiet and do able

I'm Curious how it applies to Returning adult just 18 uni students to their lone parent family homes, as suddenly they are another adult

Not sure if it’s still there but there was a clause that said if they were under 18 before a certain date (think it was September) they count as if they continue to be under 18s for this purpose.

She ain't no bubble. Don't feel bad stay safe 👍