to consider homeschooling DD12?

[mangoesforever]

She has what I'm guessing is social anxiety. She finds it incredibly uncomfortable and nerve racking to "be around people".

She has always had at least one close friend throughout primary, and I thought secondary school was going ok for her...but last week she decided to stop talking to her long standing friend and another girl they had both befriended at secondary (they're in Yr 7) because they "have nothing in common" and "make her feel uncomfortable".

She says she sits on her own now out of choice at break and lunchtimes and "plays with the dirt with a stick" (she doesn't take her phone to school) and she just wants people to leave her alone.

She finds PE torturous, she is incredibly self conscious.

I am in a position to be able to homeschool her, would prob follow the national curriculum but also focus on coding and fun stuff too. We'd have time to go to the gym and go running together, I feel confident I could help her sufficiently with the academic stuff and get her prepared for GCSE's.

I just don't believe school is for everyone, and can actually do more harm than good for some kids.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. There are also lots of teen meet ups and educational groups for home educated young people. You might find when she is less stressed and in a smaller environment she thrives socially too. GCSEs are pretty easy to prepare for with either group tutoring (most areas have a HE fb group where people club together with these) or by just purchasing text books and following the curriculum specifications.

All the best OP.

Yanbu! Obviously it's a huge decision and more knowledgeable people will be along soon - although MN isn't a huge hub for HomeEd I've found - Facebook is the place for that. Have you joined a local group? They usually offer group meet ups, classes etc (in normal times). There's also an excellent Facebook group called 'Not Fine in School' for those who find school difficult/struggle with social anxiety.

Something that comes up a lot in that group is undiagnosed SEN -is that a possibility for your DD do you think?

I definitely agree with you OP that school isn't for everyone and homeschool might be the right option for your DD. However I do think regardless of education you need to get DD some support for her social anxiety. It's one thing to enjoy your own company and a completely different one to feel uncomfortable being around other people. I don't think being around kids in school will magically cure her of social anxiety but nor will avoiding them. She may need professional help to make it manageable. Best of luck moving forward.

I’m home educating 3, and partially did another older two. We’ve loved it and academically and socially it’s been very positive for us.

Do you have an active local home Ed community though? It does make it easier both socially, and if you already have ways set up of accessing GCSEs etc. It’s not essential, but it’s a bit factor

She needs therapy first. Removing her from school will do nothing to improve her social anxiety, as she won't be exposed to much society at all. It'll just delay it til the next time she has to face people, for instance the workplace. You'd be doing her a massive disservice if you just pulled her out of school without getting her help for her anxiety first.

I home school my 11 year old ,have done for 3 years .
Feel free to pm me if you want to chat

@ohalrightthen Do you really think EHE children do not socialise until their go to work?????

Most EHE children meaningfully socialize with more individuals in a week than most schooled children do - but they do it in smaller numbers and in less threatening situations. Most EHE children who come out of school due to social anxiety thrive in the more individualistic and tolerant HE world.

Obviously go for it if you really think it’s best for her. But maybe consider counselling for her first, as it sounds like something is worrying her.

@Basecamp65 this particular child has no friends and by her own admission spends break and lunch time on her own. How easy will it be to get her mum to socialise with complete strangers if she doesn’t with people she knows? I agree with @Ohalrightthen, she needs therapy to get to the bottom of this. Particularly as OP hasn’t mentioned any diagnosis or even anything that is obviously bothering her daughter. Your bias is clearly showing!

Anyway, are you educated enough to be able to OP? Could you school her up to GCSE English, maths and science? Or do you think this is a shorter term solution?

Oh wow thanks for all the supportive posts, I was expecting to get a lot of disapproval (although I know it's early doors for a post on AIBU!).

I will look into local groups and FB pages as suggested, thank you. We are in Wiltshire, so pretty rural.

I am intending on getting her some counselling too. Thank you.

I home educate my 2 my eldest, 14, has been out for 4 years my youngest nearly 2.

Overwhelmingly positive experience here. I disagree with those who say she needs 'therapy' first. She may need some assistance with social anxiety but she may not. She may find smaller groups (home ed ones) easier to navigate than a class of 30+. School is not the be all and end all for social interaction.

I would suggest though that she tries to maintain any extra curricular activities she already does if possible.

Enjoy OP, children only get their childhoods once and it sounds as though you are doing the best thing for your daughter.

@MsEllany I'm not a trained teacher but I have the time (and a half decent brain), to sit with her and guide her through the core subjects. To be honest I haven't thoroughly looked into it yet to make the decision either way, but at the moment I am guessing that I would hire a tutor/pay for online courses to make up for areas that I am lacking.

Agree with others - homeschooling might be a good idea, but you must also address the anxiety.

As a home educator I would say go for it. I would also try addressing the problem too rather than avoiding it by home schooling.
Over the years the home educating families that have returned to a brick school have all been families that did it due to other circumstances like health and bullying.
If she did end up back in school the transition could be traumatic if her social problems aren't addressed.

In normal pre covid times home schooling groups offer lots of great opportunities for socialising not just for your daughter but yourself too.

MsEllany many people successfully home educate their children without being teachers/ educated to a really high standard.

There are loads of both free and paid resources out there!

My child was struggling in school and is now going to do some GCSE's a year early and is expected to do well in them. Not everyone learns well in a class of 30!

I say go for it! I had an awful time at secondary school and was very much like your daughter. I so wished my parents had been able to home school me. The traditional school system is not suited to everyone. I would say give it a chance because you can always enrol her back in school if it doesnt work out.

She needs therapy first. Removing her from school will do nothing to improve her social anxiety, as she won't be exposed to much society at all. It'll just delay it til the next time she has to face people, for instance the workplace. You'd be doing her a massive disservice if you just pulled her out of school without getting her help for her anxiety first

As someone who had horrible social anxiety in my teens I just want to say a big yes to this. Yes I would've been 'happier' on one level away from school, but it wouldn't have helped me in the long run. Therapy or counselling of some kind would be my first port of call.

What about lessons? Does she enjoy these? Is there teachers she likes listening to? Does she spend time in the school library?
You don't have to like other kids (or PE) to enjoy school as a whole.

If she finds nothing positive about school, yeah, maybe homeschool.
I'm concerned by how she spends her free time at school, though. Playing with dirt? Sounds more like depression than social anxiety to me. And she may well feel just as sullen at home. Is there anything she actually enjoys / is enthusiastic about, at the moment?
I was a lone wolf at school (bullying...), but I had loads of hobbies. What about her?

I am not the biggest fan of home schooling but it’s definitely the right choice for some children.
However, I’d echo PPs who have said try to help with her anxiety first rather than removing her from the stressful situation which is essentially just avoiding it.

Just check out the free resources available on National Oak Academy they are excellent for those who enjoy learning independently. The thing I would suggest about teaching is that you really need to know your subject knowledge to be an excellent teacher. There’s no way anyone can be able to teach all subjects well up to GCSE. I’m not saying that you can’t give it a go but don’t underestimate the undertaking.
I would suggest to the OP that she contacts her daughter’s school and talks to them about the issues. Secondary schools often run nurture groups especially during breaks and lunchtime.

Is she in the state system? Have you considered looking at some supportive, non-pressured indies with small classes?

I’ve got no experience of HE so not sure what parents manage to provide, but it’s nice to access to facilities such as Science labs or dedicated Art or DT rooms etc.

[quote Basecamp65]@ohalrightthen Do you really think EHE children do not socialise until their go to work?????

Most EHE children meaningfully socialize with more individuals in a week than most schooled children do - but they do it in smaller numbers and in less threatening situations. Most EHE children who come out of school due to social anxiety thrive in the more individualistic and tolerant HE world.[/quote]
Sure, whatever you say, thiugh i doubt much of that is going on currently.

Regardless, OP's daughter definitely needs therapy first. The core issue here isn't the school, it's the anxiety. Pulling her out of school without treating the anxiety is basically like painting over mould.

[quote MsEllany]**@Basecamp65* this particular child has no friends and by her own admission spends break and lunch time on her own. How easy will it be to get her mum to socialise with complete strangers if she doesn’t with people she knows? I agree with @Ohalrightthen*, she needs therapy to get to the bottom of this. Particularly as OP hasn’t mentioned any diagnosis or even anything that is obviously bothering her daughter. Your bias is clearly showing!

Anyway, are you educated enough to be able to OP? Could you school her up to GCSE English, maths and science? Or do you think this is a shorter term solution?[/quote]
If the OP went to school herself, which I am assuming, of course she is "educated enough".

@mangoesforever

I am intending on getting her some counselling too. Thank you.

I would recommend paying privately and going for a pretty intensive course. She sounds like she's suffering very severely and the risk of removing her from school is that it will mask/delay the underlying issue that will then bite with a vengeance further down the line.