to consider homeschooling DD12?

[mangoesforever]

She has what I'm guessing is social anxiety. She finds it incredibly uncomfortable and nerve racking to "be around people".

She has always had at least one close friend throughout primary, and I thought secondary school was going ok for her...but last week she decided to stop talking to her long standing friend and another girl they had both befriended at secondary (they're in Yr 7) because they "have nothing in common" and "make her feel uncomfortable".

She says she sits on her own now out of choice at break and lunchtimes and "plays with the dirt with a stick" (she doesn't take her phone to school) and she just wants people to leave her alone.

She finds PE torturous, she is incredibly self conscious.

I am in a position to be able to homeschool her, would prob follow the national curriculum but also focus on coding and fun stuff too. We'd have time to go to the gym and go running together, I feel confident I could help her sufficiently with the academic stuff and get her prepared for GCSE's.

I just don't believe school is for everyone, and can actually do more harm than good for some kids.

@icclemunchy

We've been home educating for just over a year now. My eldest is 9 and gone from no friends to more than I can count. Mostly because she can now make friends with people she has something in common with beyond being born in the same year and living in the same area.

My youngest has a social communication disorder. The fact that the home ed community is so accepting of everyone being different and having different needs means she's come on leaps and bounds since we pulled them out. She can actually talk to other children now!!

If you think it's right for you and her OP give it a try. If it doesn't work then she can always go back to school be it the same one or a different one. Social groups are obv hard atm but the home ed community is resourceful and there's still lots going on

I think this is a fairly common experience from what I have heard...

Thank you all so very much for the wonderful, supportive responses! They are invaluable

I think it's a good idea. I haven't read all the comments but perhaps she is a highly introverted person and thrives on being alone. Hence the playing with the stick in the dirt. Maybe you could watch some videos with her about introverts vs extroverts (conparisons) and it might spark a discussion. Good luck x

As per PP, I'd be wary about the long term consequences. It's not about the home-schooling - most of whom do groups and such. It's about her further isolating herself.

We all know or have heard of a 40-something who 'failed to launch' and still lives at home, no friends, no career prospects. How would she integrate back into society? She has to learn how to be around other people to work and live.

@TweeBree
I understand what you're saying, and it's certainly thoughts along these lines (just not so extreme) that have prevented me pulling her out of school thus far. However, I don't think HE kids are isolated from society in the way a lot of people think they are, and I would make a big effort to join groups and take her to 'extracurricular' classes etc. I know because she has this social anxiety she's much more likely to want to stay at home and it will be up to me to facilitate (push) her to do some socialising!

It’s easy to think that HE children are isolated at home, but from what I’ve read and heard, that’s very far from the truth these days. I understand that there are lots of groups and organisations that support HE, so it isn’t a question of being isolated. The response from those who do it seems very positive.

Does your daughter want to be HE? If so, go for it. I too, would look at some support for her social anxiety. If she’s not sure, maybe look at small independent provision. Bear in mind that if you de register, you may not be able to go back to that school at a later time, if circumstances change and your daughter wants to rejoin mainstream. It doesn’t sound as though that is the case though and it seems as though you’ve thought about what you can offer and what support you’ll need.

I would certainly look into home schooling in your situation. I used to think I could never do it but having looked into it, you act more as a facilitator than a teacher and don’t need to be an expert in everything.

My son was absent for year 8 due to stomach problems which were put down to ibs. This seemed to be made worse by getting up early/school/sress even though he has friends and could not articulate why school may make him feel that way. After 3 months absence he was given out of school tuition and had a tutor for maths/science and online learning for english. His tutor while being a trained teacher acted as a facilitator as they were not her subjects, yet he did really well and covered in particular all of the maths work for the year. During this time I did a lot of research into home schooling and decided I/we could do it if we decided it was the right choice for DS. His health improved massively during this time and his confidence grew. He has always said he would prefer to be in school so that is what we have been working on. The schools being closed was a factor in delaying his attempt to return.

He went back in Sept at the start of y9 and it was going well but last week his ibs flared up and we are now into week 2 of him being off. I am wondering how this is going to play out and again about homeschooling as an option.

There are a lot of resources available online including oak academy, twinkle, bbc bitesize, khan academy, seneca etc. There is a website called the School run which is really helpful and as others have said join some facebook groups both national and local. My son did some online learning about zoology which was a pay per session thing. He also did coding with code monkey another pay for service. We did free trials with edplace and ixl (good for maths, english and science) but we didn't need them in the end as we had support from the LA.

A lot of parents homeschool because of anxiety but that diminishes when school is no longer part of their child’s life and they thrive. School is not a normal environment. It is busy and chaotic and full of drama. Adult life/work isn’t like that. Some kids (like mine) hates the repetitiveness and the distractions caused by kids who won’t behave. He does however lack self motivation which is actually my main concern if we were to home ed. He works well to deadlines but not if they are set by me!

Also don’t feel you have to stick to the NC or do 5 hours a day if you home ed. Much of the school day isn’t actually spent learning anyway and you would have the freedom to explore the areas that interest your daughter.

For now and if you decide to keep your daughter in school, i would contact them with your concerns. They may be able to offer some support. My friends daughter who suffers from anxiety has a card she can show to get out of the classroom for a breather when she needs it for instance.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Also there are a number of people saying your DD needs to be in school to socialise but from what you say she is sitting alone at school in an environment that makes her feel anxious and uncomfortable. That isn't socialising. There are other/better ways for her to learn these skills.

Having a tutor and being in online lessons with others (where he found he could join in freely and contribute to the sessions because he didn’t know anyone) has really helped my sons confidence. He is now much more able to talk to teachers for example and has been emailing them to ask for the work he has missed which he wouldn’t have done a few months ago. He also tells me he has been participating more in class.

Those worried OP is "removing her child from the world" - she's suggesting home ed, not sending her to a nunnery.

When I was home educated I probably did more active socialising than when I was at school. At school I was in the same class of 25 all the time. With HE I was in different groups for different activities, and with a broader range of ages.

I'm place marking as I haven't had a chance to read the full thread, and I'm at work.
I homeschooled my daughter for very similar reasons @mangoesforever.
She's adult now and handling life extremely well. I think she would have gone under if I'd continued pushing her into going to school.
I'll reply more fully later.

Those worried OP is "removing her child from the world" - she's suggesting home ed, not sending her to a nunnery.

Home ed alone is not the issue as many already made clear. The struggle is going to be getting the child to socialise and stay connected when she's primarily going to be at home now. Being HE-ed could make it a lot harder. I've seen it happen with a relative. He's still at home ten years later.

Sorry I haven't read the full thread. You are incredible for recognising this and supporting it. As a teacher myself I'd have no doubt you could teach her and make her curriculum more enjoyable. The one thing I would say is something removing her from social situations completely could heighten her anxiety. You are perfectly entitled to ask to flexi school her. This way she still encounters peers (friends or otherwise) through the week but is educated at home on other days or part days too.

It may be the right option but also consider that by removing her from school she won't have the opportunity to overcome her anxiety by learning coping skills. For some a few months out of mainstream education really helps but not necessarily if it's just kicking learning to deal with issues down the road. I did consider it at 14 when dd started missing significant school due to anxiety but I worked with her school, camhs a as nd educational psychology team to put a plan in place to enable her to complete her education and learn the skills she needed to attend college (she's at university now).

If you do remove her from school, think through what opportunities there are for her to be with youngsters her age and how to enable her to access all the aspects of education (I struggled to teach maths when during a complicated house move I home schooled for 6 months)

I would also add - can you afford it? Apart from the fact you can't work, home school materials are expensive especially online packages and tutors don't come cheap.

@movingonup20, it's true that one can spend a great deal of money on home education, but it certainly isn't necessary. There are plenty of free and cheap resources. The internet makes it easier than ever. Most families I know don't use tutors, except possibly in the run-up to GCSEs. My kids are 21 and 14, and I've only ever used a tutor for a musical instrument.

I do know families who use tutors and online programmes extensively, because they want to and can afford to. It would be easy to see those families spending all that money and conclude that it's an essential part of home education, but it really isn't.

Parents do have to pay exam fees and centre fees for their teens to sit IGCSEs. That can mount up. The costs vary quite a lot but typically would be £100-£300 per subject, and kids often do about six subjects. This is a cost which parents might start saving towards if they can. If it is completely prohibitive then the free option is to sit them at college - some colleges have a 14-16 programme and if not then they will offer catch-up GCSEs for over-16s - though colleges tend to offer a limited range of subjects.

@Foxyloxy1plus1

It’s easy to think that HE children are isolated at home, but from what I’ve read and heard, that’s very far from the truth these days. I understand that there are lots of groups and organisations that support HE, so it isn’t a question of being isolated. The response from those who do it seems very positive.

Does your daughter want to be HE? If so, go for it. I too, would look at some support for her social anxiety. If she’s not sure, maybe look at small independent provision. Bear in mind that if you de register, you may not be able to go back to that school at a later time, if circumstances change and your daughter wants to rejoin mainstream. It doesn’t sound as though that is the case though and it seems as though you’ve thought about what you can offer and what support you’ll need.

Yes, she does want to be home educated. I feel like I need to keep her in til Christmas to 'prove' to DP (he is not her bio dad) that she really is very unhappy, rather than have a barrage of lectures about how I'm ruining her chances at a normal life/socialisation. He is very blinkered, I have brought up HE with him before, but his experience at school re socialisation was extremely positive and he can't seem to imagine that it's not like that for everyone else.

My mum is very involved in our lives and is also very against HE - she doesn't really think outside the box and doesn't imagine that I might be able to provide her with the time/resources/input for an education at home.

@movingonup20

I would also add - can you afford it? Apart from the fact you can't work, home school materials are expensive especially online packages and tutors don't come cheap.

I can afford to buy IGCSE courses from Wolsey Hall, until then I will use free resources.

@JacktomyDaniel

Sorry I haven't read the full thread. You are incredible for recognising this and supporting it. As a teacher myself I'd have no doubt you could teach her and make her curriculum more enjoyable. The one thing I would say is something removing her from social situations completely could heighten her anxiety. You are perfectly entitled to ask to flexi school her. This way she still encounters peers (friends or otherwise) through the week but is educated at home on other days or part days too.

Thank you!

Unfortunately she really doesn't want to flexi school, she feels this will 'other' her from her peers even more when she's there. She basically wants to be invisible at school.

As a teacher, I agree that school isn't right for some children, for a whole host of reasons. Your daughter may be one of those children and if she is, home schooling may well be the best option.

You have mentioned you are going to seek counselling for her to help with the anxiety which is great.

Apologies if you have already explored the following but just a few thoughts that may (or may not!) help.

*Have you spoken to the school SENCo or pastoral team? They should be willing to support you and your daughter and be able to suggest things that might help. E.g. if your daughter can't cope with PE at present, they may be able to offer her the option of a study session in the SEN department.

*Some schools have nuture type groups that run at lunch-again often in SEND departments but your daughter should be able to access these.

It may be worth asking to speak to someone in school so that they can help with a possible plan to support your daughter.

@PumpkinPie2016 thank you for your post!

I haven't been in touch with them yet but I will be after half term. She missed 5 days of school in the last week due to, basically, school refusal and I lied and said she was ill.

She does not want me to seek help from their pastoral team, she says she can't think of anything worse than going to counselling/groups at the school etc. She wants to be ignored/invisible/not be there at all.

Ofcourse I will have to inform them that she is school refusing and then the pastoral team WILL be involved anyway.

5 days in the last 2 weeks, sorry