To think my DP is trying to buy his way to shutting me up/keeping me happy?

[Ellingtonboots]

Won't go into detail as I've posted before about the specific problems in our relationship. But I've come to realise that my DP uses money in the form of buying me something I like or offering it to me to go shopping etc whenever we've disagreed about him not spending enough time with our young DC or helping me around the house or something.
He's signed up to commitments that see him out of the house nearly all day on a Sunday for the foreseeable future and Saturdays are spent cleaning/food shopping so it means we are spending no days as a family. I literally feel like a single parent with a partner who nips in every now and then.

Back to the point, nearly everytime we try to discuss this we never end up resolving anything and then a little present will pop up and it's always something thoughtful that I really like or I've mentioned etc but I'm beginning to think he's using it to 1. Make himself feel better and 2. To keep me happy and stop moaning at him.
I really wasn't happy a couple of weeks back as he was out all weekend and with working all week too he didn't spend any time with the DC and its all dumped on me. So he's arranged for me and a friend to go away to London for the day which isn't cheap and I'm more than grateful (as I don't spend much time away from DC and couldn't afford it myself)
But I dont want his money and I'm more than happy to go without these little gifts because all I want is more support and him to spend more time with us.

Just to point out I have no issues with him having hobbies but I think every weekend for a full day is too much and then he will go to the gym whenever he likes after long work days and regularly miss the DC's meal times/bath and bed times in my opinion he should go when they are asleep but thinks I'm unreasonable to suggest it. I work too and spend all other time with the DC and spend all weekends with them as I dont get the opportunity to go out when he's always out.

Should I just be grateful for these gifts or am I right in saying he should be spending more time with us not just throwing money at the problem to keep me quiet?

Don't accept the presents if you're not happy.

I agree that this is very poor and I wouldn’t accept the gifts. When he gives it to you I would bring up what you’ve said here, that you don’t find the gifts a good substitute for a partner who is present and pulling his weight in the relationship/family.

No, he's attempting to buy the right to flit in and out (mostly out) of family life as it suits him. This presumably wasn't the deal and I wouldn't be happy with it either.

Tell him clearly - no more, throwing money or a gift to you doesn't excuse him from being a partner and a parent.

Stop taking the gifts, it will help to emphasize the point. He honestly thinks he can just buy you off.

Could you get up early one day and just leave the house? Leave him to deal with the children by himself? It sounds to me like he has very little experience of handling them by himself for more than short periods of time. He needs more practise, he doesn't get to buy you off.

Why are you spending your Saturday cleaning and food shopping? If he can afford treats for you out of his own pocket, ask him to pay for a cleaner and then set up online deliveries. There’s no reason to waste a whole day doing chores!

Just say no

Why can’t you afford to go out with friends, but he can afford to go to hobbies all week and all weekend?

You refer to him as DP are you married and sharing finances and assets? If not I would marry him quick at the register office. Then I would have secured my right to half the assets in the event you decide you might as well formalise being a lone parent. And of course do not have any more children as you will be increasing your own workload further.
Agree popping off for a bit of time to yourself is a good plan, difficult at the moment though depending on where you live. Could a friend or relative have an urgent issue you need to support them with?

@MyOwnSummer Would love to do that but youngest DC doesnt sleep all that well so I need all the sleep I can get, getting up earlier would kill me. I've thought about going out in the evenings whenever he isn't busy of course but to be honest I'm knackered by then and just want an early night once DC are asleep. I'll sometimes try to have a bath early evening while the DC are awake and leave him in charge but I can always hear him moaning or telling them off and half the time they come to find me in the bath anyway so it's not much of a break! I really need my own hobby as an incentive to go out and spend time for myself but dont know how to plan it when DP comes and goes when he likes so I cant rely on him.

You're supposed to be able to rely on your life partner. That's pretty much the entire point of them.

Tell him what matters is his presence, not his presents.

I wouldn't be happy either OP

He sounds horrible OP.
Why is there 'his money' and 'your money'? Is there a difference in what you each earn, contribute, spend? It feels wrong to me that you feel you can't afford things from 'your money', but then he seems to have excess 'his money' that gets spent on hobbies and gifts.
Honestly, as you say, you sound like a single parent. I could not live like this, with a 'partner' who seems to have zero interest in spending time with me and the DC.

@Turnedouttoes that's a fair point, we did have the option to have a cleaner once a week as a friend of mine was looking for business but DP wasnt that keen and I couldn't afford it alone. I mean obviously i dont spend all day cleaning and shopping but we can't go shopping until DP has been to the gym first and by then time is getting on so that if we did want to go anywhere we're left with a few hours before things start to close etc. I have been shopping without him but end up not buying things he apparently wanted 🙄 so it's easier to wait for him and go.
@Nickname01 We pay equal amounts for household bills but he earns way more than me so by the time I'm finished paying my share I have nothing left but he does.

@Hamsterfan no we are not married, not sure if that will ever be on the cards to be honest, DP has never been keen!

Get shopping delivered ?

Do little bit of cleaning every weekday, so this frees up time at the weekend

Get your DP to do more of the household chores or shopping

Do an online shop and get it delivered. Shopping doesnt have to be a whole outing.

Do you share money?

Omg stop paying half the bills. You should just be paying a percentage so you have same spending money/ability to save

That makes me so sad for you OP. How does he feel about you being left with very little money each month when he has plenty? Can you approach the option of you both contributing a percentage of your income so it’s fairer if he doesn’t want to split all money?

I’d definitely set up online deliveries and let him know when it’s coming and when he has to add anything he wants by. What a pain for you to be waiting around for him to go shopping with you! And I presume this means you have no choice but to take the kids with you too? In 2020 there is no reason for a whole family to waste an hour or two each week doing the food shop!

So that's why you're not married...he doesn't want to. Unsurprising. He wants you to give up a far greater proportion of your time and money so he has shitloads more of both. And even the shopping has to be done around him. But that's ok, he throws you a trinket now and then that you might be able to afford yourself if your income, time and energy weren't being completely subsumed by all his wants so you can't do anything. Lots of taking but no legal or financial commitment. At least tell me he doesn't try to convince you it's feminism?

Ask yourself, is this how a man treats a woman he loves? As in, loves and values and wants to share his life with, rather than likes as a live-in housekeeper and nanny?

There's something sinister about a man who outearns you by miles but subsumes your income, then chucks baubles at you to keep you sweet while he fucks off at his leisure.

This whole set up is all kinds of wrong. Why isn’t money pooled as a family? Do you work the same amount of hours and share all childcare/school pick ups and sick days? Or are you paying half of the bills while compromising your own income and earning potential by working part time and picking up all the child-related slack. Because if it’s the latter then sorry to be blunt but fuck that. You’re a single parent in all but name. If you’re ok with that then rock on, otherwise you need a serious think about the future.

Of course he isn’t keen on marrying you. He’s getting the childcare and domestic servitude from you without risking losing any of the assets and relative wealth that your sacrifices are enabling him to have. Sounds like a diamond you’ve got there

OP, if you dumped him today and left, what do you think he'd miss?

That doesn't sound great at all. If he won't stop his Sunday commitments and you decide you do want to stay together, how about another approach? Rather than spending his money on presents get a cleaner and do online shopping so it frees Saturday up and you have a family day together? It's not ideal but better than no family time if you do want to stay together (assuming he won't change). This advice comes from the fact that now I clean a bit each night and do an online shop I've freed up a lot of the weekend (although I am not in the situation as you).

Personally I'd be more bothered about the unfair split of finances than anything else in your post.

We pay equal amounts for household bills but he earns way more than me so by the time I'm finished paying my share I have nothing left but he does

Why are you putting up with this? This isn't an equal partnership. Why do women put up with these relationships. Share a bed, create children together etc yet put up with this financial mess.

The main problem ISNT the way you spend your time but in the first instance it would help if you

1. did an online shop or set a day / time that is not a Saturday when either you or DP go and do it alone
2. do your cleaning on a little and often basis - look up the TOMM method, 30 mins a day no weekends (excluding the quick wipe downs / daily bits you do )

But these aren’t the real issue are they.
Fundamentally you and your partner have different ideas on how family life should look.
You need to sit and discuss calmly what each of you needs and what you think the kids need.

You are frustrated at him and he sounds disinterested in the family dynamic and perhaps you are martyring yourself a little as well.
For example if you’re having a bath and he’s sorting the kids then leave him to it. Lock the door and put some headphones in with a podcast if you have to. Many men manage to raise kids everyday - there’s no reason your DP can’t sort dinner and entertain them.

But overall you aren’t aligned in your expectations of life together. If you don’t begin to address it I don’t know how you will keep the relationship together tbh

We pay equal amounts for household bills but he earns way more than me so by the time I'm finished paying my share I have nothing left but he does.

I figured this would be the case. OP this is grossly unfair to you. In my serious relationships, we've always split joint costs according to a percentage based on what we earn, so that the lower earner isn't being left with nothing - or, with a real life partner, where our futures are joined, and especially where joint children are involved, sharing everything entirely jointly.

Why do you put up with this OP? He leaves you with no money while he has loads; he leaves you with the vast majority of childcare; he does whatever he wants whenever he wants; he doesn't spend time with you and DC. I wouldn't be able to look him in the face, let alone have sex with someone who treated me so horrifically.