Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think my DP is trying to buy his way to shutting me up/keeping me happy?

71 replies

Ellingtonboots · 19/10/2020 10:47

Won't go into detail as I've posted before about the specific problems in our relationship. But I've come to realise that my DP uses money in the form of buying me something I like or offering it to me to go shopping etc whenever we've disagreed about him not spending enough time with our young DC or helping me around the house or something.
He's signed up to commitments that see him out of the house nearly all day on a Sunday for the foreseeable future and Saturdays are spent cleaning/food shopping so it means we are spending no days as a family. I literally feel like a single parent with a partner who nips in every now and then.

Back to the point, nearly everytime we try to discuss this we never end up resolving anything and then a little present will pop up and it's always something thoughtful that I really like or I've mentioned etc but I'm beginning to think he's using it to 1. Make himself feel better and 2. To keep me happy and stop moaning at him.
I really wasn't happy a couple of weeks back as he was out all weekend and with working all week too he didn't spend any time with the DC and its all dumped on me. So he's arranged for me and a friend to go away to London for the day which isn't cheap and I'm more than grateful (as I don't spend much time away from DC and couldn't afford it myself)
But I dont want his money and I'm more than happy to go without these little gifts because all I want is more support and him to spend more time with us.

Just to point out I have no issues with him having hobbies but I think every weekend for a full day is too much and then he will go to the gym whenever he likes after long work days and regularly miss the DC's meal times/bath and bed times in my opinion he should go when they are asleep but thinks I'm unreasonable to suggest it. I work too and spend all other time with the DC and spend all weekends with them as I dont get the opportunity to go out when he's always out.

Should I just be grateful for these gifts or am I right in saying he should be spending more time with us not just throwing money at the problem to keep me quiet?

OP posts:

12309845653ghydrvj · 19/10/2020 16:18

The situation should be: bills split in proportion of income, with him paying a small added extra due to your 1 day as SAHM. Remaining money is family savings, a cleaner once/twice a week, then you both get say £200 a month spending money.

He goes to gym max 2 evenings a week (as many times as he wants in morning), and you cover childcare. You have 2 evenings where he covers childcare—say baths, seeing family, etc. Make sure to get out for at least 1 of these, and leave him totally alone with kids!!! He needs to learn.

1 day SAHM day: you sort family tasks like ordering online shop, sorting out cleaner, booking family outing, etc. This must be factored in to family finances as above—YOU are not paying for this day, it’s joint.

Saturday: you have a family day out, prebooked and as a diary priority, with a nice dinner at the end. Maybe make it a datenight every so often.

Sunday: you both do hobbies and friends, with agreement about splitting childcare. If neither can take kids, babysitter from family savings fund.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/10/2020 16:42

Stop having sex with him and see how fast he walks away. Bet you he is gone in a month.

ShebaShimmyShake · 19/10/2020 16:45

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Stop having sex with him and see how fast he walks away. Bet you he is gone in a month.

Mmm....if she's still running the house, parenting the kids and paying more than her fair share of Bill's, I see a different outcome. Not that it's much better.

LannieDuck · 19/10/2020 17:12

I think the idea of doing housework little and often is a better idea

As long as you don't end up doing all the housework. You may work PT, but 4 days/wk is only just PT. You might be able to get a bit more housework done than him during the week, but at weekends it should be split equally. Does he pull his weight with the housework on Saturdays?

I also agree with a PP - when he offered to pay for you and a friend to go to dinner, was that not him offering to do the childcare while you go out? Is that not something that you want?

In terms of you not being able to do a hobby because you can't rely on him.. I would find a hobby you want to do, and then sit down for a calm discussion with him. Explain you want to be out of the house one evening a week every week, which means that he'll need to be the primary parent that evening every week and he needs to be reliably at home - no gym, no pub etc. If he complains, ask him if why he thinks he should get so much child-free time when you have zero?

Ijustneed · 19/10/2020 17:17

I agree with others above. Online food shopping and let him have access to it so he can add his stuff in. Do the cleaning during the week so you've Saturday free to do family things.

notapizzaeater · 19/10/2020 17:25

There's nothing g in it for him to change, currently he's got all the cards. You need to take some of the power back - why should you be waiting for him to go shopping ?

jessstan1 · 19/10/2020 17:29

@Kanaloa

I agree that this is very poor and I wouldn’t accept the gifts. When he gives it to you I would bring up what you’ve said here, that you don’t find the gifts a good substitute for a partner who is present and pulling his weight in the relationship/family.

I agree with Kanaloa and think your partner does not like family life which is why he avoids it, then feels guilty.

billy1966 · 19/10/2020 17:36

OP,
I wish you could see just how low your relationship bar is...literally on the floor.

Could he be more selfish, more disinterested in his children, or more financially abusive.?

Utterly shameful.

Your poor children with that sad excuse of a man.

LemonadeFromLemons · 19/10/2020 18:05

May I ask. When your DP was not your DP and would come around to give you maintenance money, how long was he there for... what I’m getting at is did he stop for a meal and/or did you, um, enjoy some close personal time together?

Original poster

Ellingtonboots · 19/10/2020 19:03

Thank you all for helping me to see it from an outside perspective, I honestly felt like I was being unreasonable and should just be grateful for the gifts and get on with things.

@12309845653ghydrvj The day I spend with friends is my day off in the week on the Saturday I am at home because I want to spend the weekend as a family. Obviously as he's so busy all the time I end up finding things to do with the DC on weekends but would always prioritise spending time with him if he was free.

Splitting the bills more equally and pulling his weight in the house would be a good start. He does none of the housework at all, it all falls to me. In exceptional circumstances where I've been too ill or something he's managed to hoover round so is clearly capable.

@notapizzaeater that is true, i suppose I've been thinking at least we are spending time together even if it is just the food shop, which I realise sounds ridiculous.

OP posts:

Nottherealslimshady · 19/10/2020 19:07

Yes he should be spending more time with you but I don't necessarily think its manipulative. Some people are better at showing how they feel through gifts than words.

Original poster

Ellingtonboots · 19/10/2020 19:09

@LemonadeFromLemons initially it was just to see the DC, without going into detail he wasn't very nice to me in the beginning so the last thing i wanted was to sleep with him. He spent more time with DC back then as he was a baby and not in a routine of bed early etc so he'd be over to spend time and get him to sleep and then as time went on we'd watch a film afterwards, get a takeaway etc.
He was the one to suggest a relationship, which took me a while to warm to the idea so I feel like that might have been his plan all along.

OP posts:

Crankley · 19/10/2020 19:41

I voted YABU because you allow him to do this.

Next time he gives you something say 'thank you, I shall take it to the charity shop in the morning.;' When he protests tell him that he should be aware by now (assuming you have told him) that it's not gifts you want but his time and attention to you and the children. If that's not something he's prepared to give then you have some serious decisions to make.

Good luck.

Elizaaa · 19/10/2020 21:24

If he wasn't very nice to you in the beginning, what made you think he would be once he had his feet under the table and you subsidising his lifestyle and acting as his cook, nanny and housekeeper?

I'd get rid.

Winter2019 · 19/10/2020 21:29

At least you are getting presents and day off in London 😂 I'm feeling the nearly the same, like a single parent just little bit worse- no day off at all.
Has he always been like that with gifts? If no, then I would be a bit suspicious

JudyGemstone · 19/10/2020 21:47

He sounds like a shit dad, disengaged and disinterested.

You sound like you have no voice in this relationship at all.

Nanny0gg · 19/10/2020 22:00

@Ellingtonboots

Thank you all for helping me to see it from an outside perspective, I honestly felt like I was being unreasonable and should just be grateful for the gifts and get on with things.

@12309845653ghydrvj The day I spend with friends is my day off in the week on the Saturday I am at home because I want to spend the weekend as a family. Obviously as he's so busy all the time I end up finding things to do with the DC on weekends but would always prioritise spending time with him if he was free.

@notapizzaeater that is true, i suppose I've been thinking at least we are spending time together even if it is just the food shop, which I realise sounds ridiculous.

Do you think he'll be willing to split bills more equally and help with housework?

I can't imagine he will.

Everydayimhuffling · 19/10/2020 23:35

You really need to sit down with him and renegotiate this relationship if you are going to stay. And I would explain it to him in those terms so he understands it is make or break.

Bills etc proportional to earnings or leaving you each the same spare money, not 50/50.
All child expenses come from the shared money, not your personal money.
Split the week so you each get some time to yourself- 1 or 2 evenings each.
Online shop with a shared list. He is responsible for getting his things on it. Don't waste your time together.
List all chores and go through them together splitting responsibility. Discuss cleaner to lighten the load.

Honestly, without those things, what is the point of him? At the moment you certainly don't have a PARTNER in any sense of the word.

WeirdlyOdd · 19/10/2020 23:46

Everything everyday says.

This is really bad. Bills must be proportional to earning. Childcare should come from shared money etc. Those are the absolute basics.

Then there's the behaviour.

They are his kids? Because the only way that could possibly justify this is if they're not his kids and he's not living with you.

notapizzaeater · 20/10/2020 00:04

And of course he doesn't want a cleaner, he's got a free one - you !

SBTLove · 20/10/2020 12:36

It’s not a relationship, he got you pregnant then wheedled his way in and now you’re funding his lifestyle. Stop being a mug and tell him to leave.

Flip

1 2 3