To think my DP is trying to buy his way to shutting me up/keeping me happy?

[Ellingtonboots]

Won't go into detail as I've posted before about the specific problems in our relationship. But I've come to realise that my DP uses money in the form of buying me something I like or offering it to me to go shopping etc whenever we've disagreed about him not spending enough time with our young DC or helping me around the house or something.
He's signed up to commitments that see him out of the house nearly all day on a Sunday for the foreseeable future and Saturdays are spent cleaning/food shopping so it means we are spending no days as a family. I literally feel like a single parent with a partner who nips in every now and then.

Back to the point, nearly everytime we try to discuss this we never end up resolving anything and then a little present will pop up and it's always something thoughtful that I really like or I've mentioned etc but I'm beginning to think he's using it to 1. Make himself feel better and 2. To keep me happy and stop moaning at him.
I really wasn't happy a couple of weeks back as he was out all weekend and with working all week too he didn't spend any time with the DC and its all dumped on me. So he's arranged for me and a friend to go away to London for the day which isn't cheap and I'm more than grateful (as I don't spend much time away from DC and couldn't afford it myself)
But I dont want his money and I'm more than happy to go without these little gifts because all I want is more support and him to spend more time with us.

Just to point out I have no issues with him having hobbies but I think every weekend for a full day is too much and then he will go to the gym whenever he likes after long work days and regularly miss the DC's meal times/bath and bed times in my opinion he should go when they are asleep but thinks I'm unreasonable to suggest it. I work too and spend all other time with the DC and spend all weekends with them as I dont get the opportunity to go out when he's always out.

Should I just be grateful for these gifts or am I right in saying he should be spending more time with us not just throwing money at the problem to keep me quiet?

Are the children his? If so what’s all this talk of ‘his’ money and ‘my’ money and ‘I can’t afford xxx but he can’? If they aren’t his then it’s a bit more complicated.

you need to think about your financial set up. You have less money but you're contributing half to the bills? Seems wrong. is your DP the DCs father?

Frankly, he sounds like he needs a nanny and a housekeeper, not a life partner. And you say he doesn't want to get married to you? I wonder why? (because it keeps you on your toes)

So first you need to work out what you want. Then you both need to do housework in the evening - half an hour to an hour a day should be enough (i guess you're a SAHP? you surely can manage some things during the day?)

as for this I have been shopping without him but end up not buying things he apparently wanted 🙄 so it's easier to wait for him and go.

nope. Get a list set up, he writes on it what he wants, or it doesn't get bought. And do your shopping or get it delivered when it's convenient to you not him.

For starters...

but you really both need to work out what you want from this relationship and find out if it's compatible.

I have been shopping without him but end up not buying things he apparently wanted 🙄 so it's easier to wait for him and go.

Don't get him to write a list, he can bloody well do the shopping, and take the kids along too.

But you do have bigger issues here. Did you go part time after having kids?

You shouldn't be paying bills 50/50.

[quote Ellingtonboots]@Turnedouttoes that's a fair point, we did have the option to have a cleaner once a week as a friend of mine was looking for business but DP wasnt that keen and I couldn't afford it alone. I mean obviously i dont spend all day cleaning and shopping but we can't go shopping until DP has been to the gym first and by then time is getting on so that if we did want to go anywhere we're left with a few hours before things start to close etc. I have been shopping without him but end up not buying things he apparently wanted 🙄 so it's easier to wait for him and go.
@Nickname01 We pay equal amounts for household bills but he earns way more than me so by the time I'm finished paying my share I have nothing left but he does.

@Hamsterfan no we are not married, not sure if that will ever be on the cards to be honest, DP has never been keen![/quote]
My husband earns more than me, but once both lots of bills and savings have been calculated he adds together what we add left and halves it so we have the same amount.

It avoids the whole thing of him having money and me not, so we can share costs to do things and organise surprises. Could you mention this?

@Ellingtonboots I hope you realise that you are in fact being financially abused. I’m sure that he has never been keen on being married. However as things stand currently in England and Wales there is no such thing as common law spouse, if you split he will be entitled to keep everything that is in his name. Please at least try and pay expenses proportional to income or split what’s left two ways after bills are paid. Is the child benefit in your name?
Perhaps you could arrange online shopping to free up some time, but sell it as a written list ensures none of his favourites are missed and that you can meal plan and save money!

You earn way less than him put split bills 50/50? He’s got plenty spare and you’re sctimping? that’s financial abuse.

Finances should be proportionate in order to be fair so if he earns twice as much take home he pays 2/3 and you 1/3 etc. same for any house expenses. He shouldn't have so much more to spend at leisure sorry but that might be equal between you and him but its not fair

So your shopping trip with your friend - who will have the kids?

If its your DP maybe he thinks this is what you want? A break from the house and kids, out with your friend, as opposed to more family time together as a group.

If its somebody else - okay maybe he is just trying to keep you happy with gifts.

@Ellingtonboots
I work in domestic abuse, and I think this veers into financial abuse.
Please look up online.

This whole dynamic is screwed up and needs to be fundamentally changed.

1: bills should be divided with consideration of income, and you should both end up with similar pin money for personal spending at end of month.

2: stop doing all the cleaning and shopping. Seriously, spending a whole day on this is ridiculous, get a weekly delivery and a cleaner (that he can pay for, if he’s not pulling his weight).

3: gifts: book days out and things with the kids for the family, have them in the diary. It’s easy to commit to things and not make time for family when it doesn’t have a specific time slot.

4: stop martyring yourself: leave him alone with the children, it’s the only way he’ll learn. You’re also teaching him that if he does a bad job you’ll just do all the heavy lifting.

If he wants to go to the gym all the time, he can do this early morning before work.

You need to get out of the house and have hobbies, friend time, etc. You seem to want this but then complain that you can’t becuase you’re tired or don’t feel like it.

Tell him a week in advance that you are going out with a friend, and that he will need to mind the kids for the evening (so no gym that night). Then do it.

Tell your husband you are changing the day in London to 2 nights away. Leave Fri and come back Sunday.
His reaction will tell you a lot.

I'm so sorry OP @Ellingtonboots

It must be very difficult to hear but your current set up is absolutely not fair.

What sort of man will let you, even expect you to pay 50% costs when you earn so much less? And then leave so much of the hard work of parenting to you, while he swans off to get on with his life as before.

I'm afraid, that really is abuse. Just because he doesn't use physical abuse, doesn't make it any better.

Please get yourself up to date with the law. Do you have anyone in real life to whom you can reach out?

Yes the DC are his, I wont go into masses of detail as it will end up an essay and very outing if anybody I knew read it but the first DC was not planned, we weren't together for the first few years but DP would come over most evenings and give me maintenance money, looking back he was more there for me than for the DC as he would regularly come after they were asleep and it left him free to do the gym after work and whatever else he liked etc, but that was the set up we agreed and I was pleased for his contribution as initially he didn't want a child. (Yes I realise how moronic that makes me sound!) These weekend commitments were not a thing either so he had much more time for us then and we had family outings etc.
We then got together, had DC2 and thought we would move in together and that's where we are at now.
I've always paid my way, moved out when I was 18 and have lived alone and with partners and paid all my bills, I've had 2 other partners that I've lived with and to be honest money has never been fair, most recent ex never had a job so I let him move in but paid everything, other ex I was with while at uni and part time working of 2 days a week, he expected me to pay more than I had so luckily I had a uni loan that went on my share of the bills which is fair enough.

I've never had to rely on a man financially so I think I find it hard to have a conversation about it being more equal and me paying less although as several of you say it's fair as he nearly earns double what I do.

I work 4 days a week since having DC but I am responsible for the childcare on the day I have off which is fine.

I think the idea of doing housework little and often is a better idea, I always think it's easier to get it done at once but of course that's making it take up a big chunk of the day. And I could shop on the day I have off but I like to get things in fresh for the week ahead and usually spend the day with my friends with children as it's about the only type of me time I get even with the DC there.

@LonelyFromCorona that's a very good point, it's a couple of weeks away so I havent yet asked him but it falls on a day he will be busy so I'm assuming it's going to be up to me to arrange someone to babysit.

Be a poor independent or a rich slave.

In all seriousness, why are you with him?

He has a housekeeper and someone who contributes financially.

You have someone who helps put a roof over your head and...?

Can you afford to live without him?

You shouldn’t be paying 50% of the bills having taken a 20% paycut (also affecting pension contribution, career progression etc) to care for your joint child which would otherwise cost him money. Surely you can see that? Don’t let yourself be taken for a mug. This isn’t a partnership or a family by my definition.

So on Saturdays what time does he go and come back from the gym?

@Newfornow

Be a poor independent or a rich slave.

Not very rich. She has nothing left over after paying bills etc and she sure as fuck earns the baubles.

The thing about the finances is that if you split up, you'd be worse off.

You can't make him contribute more and you have no right to more if you split, as you're not married.

He would only have to pay child support if he was the NRP, or none if it was 50/50.

Getting married, is not in his interest financially. He has a partner and children and all the benefits of marriage, without the risk of losing any income, assets or pension if you split up.

Everything about this setup sounds awful for you. He comes and goes as he pleases, your whole life is arranged around what he wants, and you have to pay for the privilege (a higher percentage of your salary than he pays, to add insult to injury).

His little gifts are the least of your concerns, though I see why they rankle. Do you really want to stay in this relationship? If so, it's time for a come to Jesus meeting. Lay your cards on the table, tell him exactly what you want (shared finances or a fair division of outgoings, more commitment from him to spend time with his children, an equitable distribution of household chores, etc.). If he says he's happy with the way things are, then I'd think seriously about ending the relationship.

We pay equal amounts for household bills but he earns way more than me so by the time I'm finished paying my share I have nothing left but he does.

I've read this on here so many times and it always makes me want to cry.

You are kinda being financially abused here OP.

Your update just makes the whole situation look worse!

You are a SAHM 1 day per week—this should be task day and should be paid from family finances. Why the heck are you paying for him to have his children taken care of? And why are you not spending this day on doing tasks like shopping, instead of wasting your weekend on it?

If you’re busy out with friends for most of sat and he’s busy on Sunday, then clearly this needs to be sorted? Should you not both be busy with your friends/hobbies on the same day, so you can also have family time together on one of those days?