Relevant professional experience & friend's child

[PlumsInTheIcebox]

This is going to be vague and I apologise in advance if that is frustrating but I won't be drawn on specifics, I'm afraid.

I have professional experience of working with children and young people with certain SEN. A very close friend's child is starting to present with some signs that they might also have one of these needs. The child is in Infants and slightly younger than the children that I encounter professionally, and would probably not receive any formal diagnosis (if indeed this were necessary) for a couple of years yet, but it is a need which tends to respond well to early strategies. The child is starting to misbehave at school and I think the two things might be related.

The question is whether I say anything to the parent, who is one of my closest friends. I would be particularly grateful to hear from anyone who has been in the parent's position in this situation.

YABU - keep your beak out, hope that the professionals who work with the child are noticing the same as you and be supportive if and when any assessments start.
YANBU - gently say something.

I would "keep your beak out".

I wouldn’t say anything, I think maybe if they’ve ask you then you should but otherwise no.

I would say something if asked but otherwise I’d keep quiet

If it's something that responds well to early strategies, your friend needs to know sooner.

Do say something. Speaking from experience where a teacher friend raised it with another friend whose child was presenting with signs of SEN, before anyone else picked it up. The parent was grateful to be able to get the ball rolling on getting support, but it was a difficult conversation.

When you say different strategies, do you mean dealing with certain behaviours in a certain way?

I probably wouldn't mention it out of the blue, but if they was talking about their child's behaviour, I would perhaps make gentle suggestions. Not coming out with 'i think your child may have additional needs'. But more along the lines of 'some of the children I work with respond better in those situations when we deal with it like this, maybe it could work with your child too?'

I've never been in the situation myself, but if my children started having difficulties and a close friend could potentially help me figure out why, it may be difficult to hear but I would appreciate it.

The professional experience you have, does it include being part of a diagnostic team for SEN?
If not and she hasn't asked for your opinion then I wouldn't give it.

I was the parent here and absolutely resent all of the professionals I came across who didn't speak plainly with me. The professionals were consistently vague and any time I asked direct questions I was met with well it's up to you.... I'm not a child development expert and her symptoms of autism were never strongly represented in the comfort of her own home around people who she loves and understands but were apparently consistently displayed at school. I would have absolutely been receptive to people raising concern and following it up with examples.

It's hard to give advice about your friend though. Only you know how she might receive this type of information but I do think it's a well-being issue for the child and you probably have a moral responsibility to at least try.

@Takemetovegas

I was the parent here and absolutely resent all of the professionals I came across who didn't speak plainly with me. The professionals were consistently vague and any time I asked direct questions I was met with well it's up to you.... I'm not a child development expert and her symptoms of autism were never strongly represented in the comfort of her own home around people who she loves and understands but were apparently consistently displayed at school. I would have absolutely been receptive to people raising concern and following it up with examples.

It's hard to give advice about your friend though. Only you know how she might receive this type of information but I do think it's a well-being issue for the child and you probably have a moral responsibility to at least try.

Thank you for your honesty; this is what I am grappling with.

For the sake of the child I'd say something. If the friend is confiding in you that they're having issues at school could you recommend strategies that have worked with children you've dealt with professionally. I think if I was in the other parent's position I'd like it if as well as offering your professional opinion you also showed an affection and interest in my child as an individual. I think that way it comes across less like you're finding fault with my child but showing genuine concern for a child you're fond of.

Is the parent even vaguely aware that there might be a problem with the child? Because if not, then this conversation is not only going to be very very difficult, but it is likely to be taken the wrong way and I would not get involved even though I would want to.

If, however, your friend has mentioned certain behaviours or challenges, I think it would be the right thing to say something like, "Obviously, I don't usually work with children as young as Johnny, but I should mention that these sorts of behaviours are often seen when children have [whatever it is you're concerned with]. Perhaps it is worth getting him assessed now as if there are problems, early intervention is likely to be very effective. I can probably recommend a couple of places that work with children of this age?"

Then leave it to her.

I would raise it at a suitable time, and be prepared to back off sharpish if it was not well received. I would want to know if it was my child, but then am several years into parenting a child with SEN so have got over the initial shock that DD would need additional support and strategies.

Mind you, if your friend has mentioned difficulties at school then a simple response would be 'sometimes that's an indication of X, let me know if you would like more info'

I am also a parent of a DC with as yet undiagnosed 'challenges' and if a friend who worked in the field and had specialist knowledge presented me with potential solutions, I'd kiss the bloody ground she walked on!
In fact, I'd go so far as to say that if at a later stage your friend's DC is diagnosed with something she knows you specialise in, there's a risk she'll be pissed off you didn't offer some insight earlier.

@babygroups

The professional experience you have, does it include being part of a diagnostic team for SEN? If not and she hasn't asked for your opinion then I wouldn't give it.

Diagnoses are made by clinicians but I do a lot of work making and compiling observations which are used by those clinicians to reach a formal diagnosis where appropriate. This isn't like those MN threads where everyone makes an armchair diagnosis.

Also, accept that even if parents are suspicious, it can be very difficult to concede the need to seek help. I am not someone who finds this difficult usually and yet i still delayed seeking help for DS and found reasons to put it off eg if something improved I'd tell myself it was a sign that things were better etc etc. His issues weren't that severe so that might have impacted things but I have seen other families remain in denial for all kinds of reasons from not wanting to "label" their child to not actually having the mental strength for it to simply not being able to afford it if the NHS isn't proactively offering help. It's very normal.

I have a nephew who clearly needs intervention but his parents are in denial so until it gets worse (and it is getting worse all the time so eventually they will have to stop pretending) there's not much anyone can do.

Is the parent even vaguely aware that there might be a problem with the child?

Hard to say. I know that school staff are increasingly talking to them about the child's behaviour in class. There's history in the wider family of a different SEN which can present with this one but I don't know if they have considered any connection.

@PlumsInTheIcebox

Is the parent even vaguely aware that there might be a problem with the child?

Hard to say. I know that school staff are increasingly talking to them about the child's behaviour in class. There's history in the wider family of a different SEN which can present with this one but I don't know if they have considered any connection.

If school is talking to your friend and she's clearly telling you, then yes, I think you need to say something lightly about how it can be a sign of x etc. Agree with a PP that if I subsequently found out that a friend specailisaed in something my DC was diagnosed with, I'd be pretty upset that they hadn't offered me some insight.

I agree with @SpaceOP.
I had a similar experience when I was minding a little boy. He was a very much adored only child of older parents. I didn't say anything, because his parents clearly thought his behaviours were normal, and that he was just a bit quirky. When he was 11 he was diagnosed with autism, and when she told me, I admitted that I had wondered when he was little, and that I hadn't known whether to mention it. She said she was glad I hadn't, because they were enjoying having him so much, that the worry would have blighted that time for them.

If it can respond to early treatment then I would tell them. I did something similar with my friend’s so and she was surprised initially but then so grateful - my ‘interference’ meant she managed to fast tracked support for her child years before other parents even started to look. As a result her DS has come on leaps and bounds

Someone had that chat to me about DD. I will be eternally grateful. We would have worked it out eventually, as I have seen happen with other children but because of my friend we had a pretty good idea of what might be going on at 5 not 9 and I truly believe that has made a huge difference to DD's life.

The next time the conversation comes up I'd raise it - along the lines a PP said above "don't usually deal with kids this age... suggest you seek expert assessment.. anything I can do to help..."
And then leave it. If they aren't receptive at least you've raised it, but don't keep bringing it up.

My DD suffers from anxiety really quite badly, like someone else said teachers danced round the topic, never actually clearly said there was a problem. Once I started doing something about it, they all confessed the fact they suspected something. At times I can be quite enraged they didn't raise very specific issues with me early on.

Btw the friend did not get entwined. She just said what she saw, told us some key words and where to look for more information. Then she left us to it. Didn't even raise the topic unless we did.

Have you thought of asking your friend if she wants your professional advice when she brings up the subject of her child and the challenges that are being presented?

I’d just ask whether my opinion would be welcome, and if not, leave it.

@MuthaFunka61

Have you thought of asking your friend if she wants your professional advice when she brings up the subject of her child and the challenges that are being presented?

Well, yes, and that is my whole dilemma. It would be a very loaded question and asking it would clearly imply that I think there is a problem.

Thank you all so much for your responses. I have a lot to think about but I think I will bide my time and say something if an opportunity presents itself.