Relevant professional experience & friend's child

[PlumsInTheIcebox]

This is going to be vague and I apologise in advance if that is frustrating but I won't be drawn on specifics, I'm afraid.

I have professional experience of working with children and young people with certain SEN. A very close friend's child is starting to present with some signs that they might also have one of these needs. The child is in Infants and slightly younger than the children that I encounter professionally, and would probably not receive any formal diagnosis (if indeed this were necessary) for a couple of years yet, but it is a need which tends to respond well to early strategies. The child is starting to misbehave at school and I think the two things might be related.

The question is whether I say anything to the parent, who is one of my closest friends. I would be particularly grateful to hear from anyone who has been in the parent's position in this situation.

YABU - keep your beak out, hope that the professionals who work with the child are noticing the same as you and be supportive if and when any assessments start.
YANBU - gently say something.

I'm so grateful to you all for taking the time to offer advice and your own experiences. Thank you

They have said things like 'I am finding X really challenging at the moment / X's teachers spoke to me again this week'. They have not yet said anything like 'X's behaviour is becoming worse and I am beginning to wonder if it's normal / if there's something else going on'. I think I will wait for the latter comments before saying something.

The thing is she might be hinting, waiting to see if you say anything. After all of her highly qualified friend who sees her child regularly hasn't noticed anything --- everything must be ok? Mustn't it?

She may not want to flag his behaviour is worse or ask if something else is going on, because that makes it 'real'

I feel for you, it's a really tough dilemma and it's not a clear decision. Some of it simply come down to who she is, and how tactfully you can broach it

You make a really good point, @DarkMutterings. Thank you.

Has she ever spoken to you as a friend about the issue? Talk as a friend first
Maybe offer acknowledgment and understanding when she’s having a difficult time rather than looking to give the benefit of your professional experience straight away , this can come later if she is receptive.
If you approach it as a professional and she’s not ready you risk losing a friend and she may lose a valuable source of support.

I don’t understand the comments about being on a diagnostic team or qualified. Teachers, nursery staff etc must come across loads of kids with diagnoses and then become adept at spotting the signs in non diagnosed kids. Plus some professionals in the SEN field are utterly crap and terrible at their jobs, failing the kids in the process.

We had comments made by nursery. It was hard to actually get any help until much later. So we knew she wasn’t ‘normal’ but not how. I welcomed it and it was done sensitively. I trusted they had experience to know when something wasn’t right.

It was then unqualified/zero experience me who identified three SEN conditions in two kids. And even today the consultant is fobbing us off when DD clearly needs therapy for severe anxiety, like many ASD kids. Trusting medical professionals and ignoring everyone else, including my own judgement, would have been a massive parenting fail.

I’d have loved a friend with insight to advise and help understand the issues and processes.

I don’t understand the comments about being on a diagnostic team or qualified.

Exactly. OP isn't suggesting that she offers her friend's child a diagnosis. Presumably the idea is that she advises her friend to go for an assessment. In the same way that anyone else who has experience of children (nursery staff, teachers, GP etc) might refer on a child for furher assessment.

Someone had that chat to me about DD. I will be eternally grateful

To show an opposing view, someone had that chat with be about my DS, and I was not grateful....mainly because she was entirely wrong and pushed me to look down entirely the wrong road for the help DS needed.

YANBU, I would definitely say something. Perhaps along the lines of 'I don't want to speak out of turn but I believe there may be an issue with dc that could benefit from early intervention. If you want to discuss, let me know but no problem if you don't & hope you don't mind me bringing it up.

I think, if your friend mentions challenging behaviours, I would couch conversations in terms of offering strategies that could help rather than mentioning any labels/diagnoses.

They have said things like 'I am finding X really challenging at the moment / X's teachers spoke to me again this week'. They have not yet said anything like 'X's behaviour is becoming worse and I am beginning to wonder if it's normal / if there's something else going on'. I think I will wait for the latter comments before saying something.

If she says this kind of thing again, you could always offer strategies that you know to work well generally? If she's not ready to consider the SEND aspect, you can say that these strategies help all children really (which is true) as assistance for non-NT children is also helpful for NT children as well, like Now & Next indicators for transitions, etc.

I thank you for considering this, as I was concerned about my ds and nobody that I asked would say anything helpful, they all swerved the issue. I understand why but it was hard. It's sad that so many parents view the suggestion that their child has a problem as offensive. It must be hard on schools when they can see a child is struggling but the parents refuse to seek assessment, even "just in case". Ultimately, the child suffers.

I had a similar experience when I was minding a little boy... When he was 11 he was diagnosed with autism, and when she told me, I admitted that I had wondered when he was little, and that I hadn't known whether to mention it. She said she was glad I hadn't, because they were enjoying having him so much, that the worry would have blighted that time for them.

Good for them, not so good for their child. What about HIS best interests? It's he who's missed out on interventions that could have helped him. Poor boy.

I don’t understand the comments about being on a diagnostic team or qualified.

I'm pleasantly surprised to have only had two, to be honest, especially given how vague I have been about my role.

I understand the cynicism, and I am as frustrated by Dr. Google / armchair diagnoses as the next person, but there is a sense in certain corners of MN that people must not overstep their mark (plus a general pleasure in trying to catch people out).

but there is a sense in certain corners of MN that people must not overstep their mark

probably because pretty often, they shouldn't. You already know that you can't diagnose this child, and you are probably also aware that its unprofessional to offer unsolicited opinions outside of a clinical setting.

@DTIsOnlyForNow

but there is a sense in certain corners of MN that people must not overstep their mark

probably because pretty often, they shouldn't. You already know that you can't diagnose this child, and you are probably also aware that its unprofessional to offer unsolicited opinions outside of a clinical setting.

If you’ve read the thread it should be perfectly clear that I have no intention of doing the former and am grappling with the personal morals and professional ethics of doing the latter. But don’t let that make you pass up an option to tell someone to get back in their box.

My mistake, I thought you wanted opinions. If you wanted validation for your already chosen course, you should have said so.

I would suggest strategies to help without saying you think their child has / is x.

Someone (teacher) asked me once if I'd considered that one of my DC's could be autistic. I was very upset indeed - the timing, place and everything was completely wrong for that conversation (parents eve!).

Next time she brings it up, why not ask “How do you feel about that?”