To not understand how others do it !

[Hop27]

I've just turned 40 and I'm currently enduring a chemical menopause to help my next round of IVF and I have 3 months to go.
I work full time in a senior role, in a male dominated industry and I'm inline for promotion so can't slow down at work. I easily work a minimum of 60 hours a week. Not including networking or BD and have to do that regularly as part of my role.
I've always exercised its part of my routine and helps me manage stress, I do this 5/6 times a week.
I do the lions share of the housework, I'm very houseproud. DH does contribute but I carry most of it.
My 2 best friends and going through major life events and need my support (divorce and new baby)
I live abroad and I'm struggling with the fact I can't practically get home to see my ageing parents.
I feel so burnt out I could cry. I'm just overwhelmed. AIBU to be letting this get to me, everything is by choice but I genuinely don't know how other people handle life and make it look so seamless and easy ... What can I practically do to make life a little easier ?

I dont think many people do as much as you've just described. I would prioritise. Currently the work promotion seems to be key. Focus on the things at work that are key to getting it and think about what, if anything, you can delegate.
At home get a cleaner or get your partner to do more. Or lower your standards if that's ok w you.
Do a little less supporting of friends while you focus on the promotion (if they arent in crisis) and try not to let the situation with parents weigh on you too much if you cant do anything about it. Because that's wasted energy.
That's what I would do. Your priorities might be a bit different. But realistically no one does it all. They let something drop. You have to have boundaries.

Sorry cant comment on the ivf or chemical menopause as ice no idea. And my suggestions may be out of the question for you. But my main point is decide your priorities and make a realistic plan.

Do not under estimate the effects of induced menopause. I had injection pre surgery and struggled so much with side effects I called it a day at 1 injection.

Time to cut back and only deal with essentials. Easier said than done but it’s time to focus on yourself right now💐

There is so much talk to teenagers about how women can have it all. And we can certainly do way more than previous generations. But we can't have it all. We can't work long hours, run a house, be a good friend/reliable daughter, and a present and active parent, never mind have any time to do something for ourselves. We would never criticise if a man was struggling to do all that, so why do we push ourselves to do it!
Prioritising is the key. What is most important right now, and let other stuff slide for now. You can pick it up again later.

You need to whittle it down to the things you can control and what the most important things are.

You can't control when you see your parents right now, so try and stop worrying about that.

Get a maid and stop worrying about your house.
Re-assess your work hours/exercise hours. Especially if you're trying to have a baby, because those things are going to change once you do.

I don’t think most people work 60 hours a week in a demanding role while going through fertility treatment, keeping up super-regular exercise and carrying much of the burden for housework. I think a small segment of society lives like that, but honestly, most people don’t. I’m not surprised you feel overwhelmed and exhausted especially with being unable to travel to see your parents. Be kind to yourself - your current load is huge and almost anyone would find it impossible.

I think you need to let go - in so far as possible - of your sadness about not being able to see your family, as you cannot control it. See them on FaceTime/Skype, call regularly etc (I know how hard it is; my family are in a state in Australia with a closed border and my dad has just been diagnosed with cancer and sister is about to have a baby). Try to release the emotional burden of that aspect of your current situation.

I also think you need to consider how to simplify your working life/home situation as the stress will not be helping as you prepare for IVF. Do you need to go for the promotion right now? What happens when you get it? Do your hours remain so high or will things become simpler? What happens if you don’t go for it right now? No one can do everything all at once. Decide what is most important right now. With the IVF and medical menopause I personally would keep exercising but would explore whether there are any other options for your job that keep the aspects of work you like without such excessive hours. You may want to prioritise work but it doesn’t sound like it’s working for you right now. If there’s no real option but to continue (because you love it and want the promotion - understandably!) you could get lots of help at home - a cleaner who will also wash sheets and other laundry so you literally just load the dishwasher (or get your partner to!!), a frozen meal delivery service etc. I’d also be encouraging your partner to step up now before a pregnancy/new baby.

Do you actually want the promotion? If yes, can you get a cleaner/cleaner does more hours, those gusto boxes so you don't have to think about what to cook, is there any way you can work less - delegate etc? Take some leave?

Ultimately you're doing much more than most people.

This is crazy, no wonder you are exhausted and feeling that you can't cope. I am not sure that many people would and that would be without the physical and emotional toll of fertility treatment. You need to cut yourself some slack somewhere. This is so beyond a lifestyle I would contemplate I am struggling to empathise I am afraid. I am saying this to help you see that expecting to cope like this is unusual and maybe there is a different way of living. Taking the pressure off yourself doesn't mean you are less of a person .

To add, I think when men have heavy jobs with long hours they are highly unlikely to be doing much if anything to contribute to running the home or domestic drudge . I think you have to outsource almost everything else to manage these working hours.

You have a lot on your plate OP. My plate is different to yours (small children, ill parent at a distance, usually work but on mat leave ATM) but I understand the feeling.

You can only do so much, and that includes emotionally.

What about your friends? I understand wanting to support dear friends, but are they supporting you in turn? Do they have other people to turn to? Surely the one with the new baby can see that a friend going through IVF isn't the one to lean on right now, does she know?

Work - how badly do you want the promotion? A lot of women take a few years to stay at a manageable level with young kids, even if they don't cut hours. I know more than one who's gone part-time during IVF. Is now the time for this promotion? I'm not judging if it is, I'd be hugely admiring , but it's ok to take the foot off the gas a little if you want.

@Sleepingdogs12

To add, I think when men have heavy jobs with long hours they are highly unlikely to be doing much if anything to contribute to running the home or domestic drudge . I think you have to outsource almost everything else to manage these working hours.

Absolutely this.

I am struggling to see how you fit everything on top of working 60 hrs a week, do you sleep?
You have had a lot of good advice already and no idea why you have not thought about booking a cleaner. That would be a good place to start.
From what I can see exercise is your downtime and you can make time for that.
How is having a child going to fit in with your current lifestyle given that you are in line for promotion?

With kindness OP, I don't know anyone who "handles life" who has a schedule like yours.

I'd also say take a step back from friends (not completely you can still be kind just spend less time supporting them, drop your housework standards and get a cleaner. The mess does not matter in the grand scheme of things.

I'm going to paraphrase a speech by the headmistress of a girls school I heard a few years back and which really stuck with me....

Women have been incorrectly told we can have everything. We can't. We can have anything, but choices, and therefore sacrifices must be made.

She absolutely nailed it with those words. We set ourselves up to fail if we try to be full time successful working woman / domestic goddess / perfect parent / brilliant friend / doting daughter / etc. Something's got to give. The problem is we get told that because us feminists fought for the right to do what we wanted, we're not allowed to drop any of the other plates, so we pressure ourselves. We become our own worst critic.

How will you find time for a child?

Simple steps that would may be help:

1. Get a cleaner to help with the house so you don't have to do so much
2. Do you really need the promotion - if you're struggling now what's the point of potentially making work worse?
3. Cut the gym down to 3 times a week not 5-6 times
4. Plan some leave to see your parents so you have it to look forward to

Do not under estimate the effects of induced menopause
This, this and this again!

I always had a full on life, work, kids, family etc...Pepe always asking me how I managed but I just did. Then I was promoted and gradually I found it harder and harder to cope. I used to experience the same when due a hissy but one week off and if come back refreshed and ready to go again. Not anymore. It got progressively worse as I battles on u til I couldn't do it any longer and collapsed.

I didn't know at the time, but I was starting the menopause and it was all down to it.

Could you take some time off work until you do the IVF? Sending you all the positive vibes possible for a positive outcome.

I don't know OP but things will only get more stressful when you throw a baby into the mix. 60 hours a week at work, 5-6 times a week at the gym, all the cleaning and visiting friends... something will have to give as you just can't do all that whilst factoring in nursery drop offs, night wakings, etc.

Didn’t want to read and run. Currently in medical menopause via injection ahead of fertility treatment too abs struggling with energy mainly, as it sounds you are too. Don’t underestimate the side effects. I have been trying to carry on as normal too (work FT/ looking after house / exercise etc etc) and I came to the conclusion yesterday as I cancelled a yoga class in the morning due to no sleep (a known side effect) that it’s not possible to do everything at the moment. Bit of a lightbulb moment really.

Work - if you’re able to go for promotion, do that as it’s setting you up for later life. Exercise - perhaps do what you feel able to rather than 5/6 times a week. It’s temporary and you can always go back to it. Outsource cleaning as others have suggested. Can DH sort dinner out a few times a week?
Do friends know about your fertility treatment? Maybe dial back a bit in the support for them at the moment. You need to put yourself at the front of the line for support while going through all of this. Treatment is hard and side effects of the meds can be rough. Be kind to yourself and good luck

Tbh I don't know anyone who copes like that. Personally I find you can't spin all the plates at once, how do you fit everything in without burning out?
If my work is busy then my social life/hobbies take a hit. If I'm want to lose weight/tone up then the gym is my focus. Friends who have gone through IVF have had that as their focus. If my work & social life is busy then my house takes the hit. You can't do everything.

This is so beyond a lifestyle I would contemplate I am struggling to empathise I am afraid.

This, seriously does anyone really live like this? It's unimaginable to me quite honestly.

I don't know anyone who has that much on their plate. I'm not surprised you're burnt out and exhausted. If you don't address your work-life balance now, you will certainly have to if you have a baby. It all sounds unsustainable to me tbh.

Most people don't live like that, you are driving yourself to extremes in every part of your life- exercising constantly, having the house at such a high standard, working over and above all the time. You are very driven but now those things are driving you and coupled with the hormonal changes, it's no wonder you are overwhelmed. It's worth tackling your excessive perfectionism now and not when you have a child as this lifestyle isn't sustainable.

You know those blokes at work who work at 60 hour week- well, they don't do the cleaning, not to a high standard, if at all. Often people in those types of jobs are facilitated by their wives doing all the wifework, or hiring in nannies/cleaners to plug the gap. You can't actually do everything, it's not possible.

When I worked long hours like this, so did DH. Housework was dropped. It's fine if it's not 100% clean. Get a cleaner if you can. If not, decide on few hours a week over the weekend and do a big one together. It will take couple of hours and done.