To not understand how others do it !

[Hop27]

I've just turned 40 and I'm currently enduring a chemical menopause to help my next round of IVF and I have 3 months to go.
I work full time in a senior role, in a male dominated industry and I'm inline for promotion so can't slow down at work. I easily work a minimum of 60 hours a week. Not including networking or BD and have to do that regularly as part of my role.
I've always exercised its part of my routine and helps me manage stress, I do this 5/6 times a week.
I do the lions share of the housework, I'm very houseproud. DH does contribute but I carry most of it.
My 2 best friends and going through major life events and need my support (divorce and new baby)
I live abroad and I'm struggling with the fact I can't practically get home to see my ageing parents.
I feel so burnt out I could cry. I'm just overwhelmed. AIBU to be letting this get to me, everything is by choice but I genuinely don't know how other people handle life and make it look so seamless and easy ... What can I practically do to make life a little easier ?

I was very, very overwhelmed as a single mum to a small baby, mother with dementia and then my father got ill (pre covid) and was in hospital for a few weeks. It was absolute insanity. Can you drop the exercise to 4 times a week and get a cleaner? It'll lift some of the pressure you are putting on yourself. I also have two friends going through tough times and both look for ongoing contact throughout the day. I had to take a mini step back by muting their chats and checking in a few times a day rather than having a constant dialogue.

60 hours a week?! Well there's your problem! I presume you earn a good salary...get a cleaner, outsource your laundry etc. The pp is correct, the men in these roles won't be doing housework, their wives will be or it will be outsourced.

What is your plan for having a baby? Are you going to return to work doing the same hours? You won't be able to look after a child, work and maintain high standards of housework as well as exercising nearly every day.

I'm shocked by the exhaustion the injections have caused. I never expected them to be so bad and was heart broken when my specialist wanted me to continue for another 3 months. I accept I need to get a cleaner back, but even with one I always found they only do so much and you need to top it up. The promotion is important to me as I need to accept I might never be a mum so need a fulfilling life and cant afford to put that on hold at this time because I might miss the window to get this role.

You sound like a high achiever and a perfectionist. Not everyone is, that's how they manage!

Yes a cleaner helps but as you say not 100% You need to lower your standards

I came home from work early today and even the minute I was home, I was trying to plan what we should have for dinner etc. DH told me I needed just not to think about that right now and sit down. I slept solidly for 2 hours on the sofa. He's gone to the gym and I'm itching to do something. I just find it impossible to switch off.

Have you and your DH discussed the specifics of the split of childcare:work:household responsibilities if you are able to get pregnant. If he's not stepping up to the plate now he'll do even less post-baby. Suggest he practice taking more responsibility now so he's fully up to speed when youre both sleep-deprived with a newborn.

Will he be the primary carer if you are working that number of hours or are you employing a nanny?

An definitely lower your standards on cleaning and employ a cleaner.

I absolutely understand, I tried to do it all with our first IVF attempt and then realised (after a miscarriage etc) that I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t give IVF my all and focus on that. Work has come second since, we’ve got a cleaner and exercise has gone out the window. I understand the need to protect yourself and focus on work but you don’t have to throw yourself into it, there’s different options.

Re reading your post may be you usually manage well with your schedule but it isn't surprising the additional stresses re friends and family and treatment are pushing you over the edge. Perhaps see this period as a time where you just let some things slide a bit and that is ok. Otherwise you will be ill and not functioning at all. You can't control everything .

I work a lot - like 7 days a week - exercise a bit, am not remotely houseproud (have a cleaner every fortnight, DH does the rest to make sure it's hygienic, but I can let untidiness slide), and that's the only way I can manage to achieve as much as I do career-wise and do a bit of parenting as well. I have no idea how you can fit in all the exercise and housework on top of the IVF and everything else. You're holding yourself to impossible standards and something's got to give. This is why people let themselves go in their 40s. Not because of some deep weakness, but because it's just not possible to keep going at that level. If you want the career and the IVF, you have to ease off on the other stuff, or burn out and risk losing it all.

I couldn't possibly even attempt your routine, OP, have been burnt out working even half those hours and DH shared housework and childcare.

I stopped doing HIIT and high impact exercise though as when you are stressed and lacking sleep it just puts additional strain on your body and can actually make you unwell. I had done cardio, running, aerobics and weights all my life and suddenly in my 40s it didn't work for me at all and I switched to yoga, meditation and brisk walking. Best thing I ever did for my mental and physical health. I'd also recommend you try the free meditations on the Headspace app. When I felt really burned out I would sit in the car in a car park for ten minutes with my eyes shut listening and I couldn't believe how much it helped me feel calm.

If you are going through chemical menopause you really need to look after yourself even more. I'd recommend you see a dietician as well, they will be doing virtual appointments.

And definitely if you can get a cleaner and delegate tasks to DH. And most of all be kind and forgiving to yourself.

You can't possibly give everything 100%, which is what you're trying to do at the moment. You've got to prioritise, delegate, streamline.

A cleaner, meal boxes, scheduled r&r, reduced social visits, invest in whatever helps you sleep.

Can you reduce the amount of time you're giving to your friends, but support them in other ways? Be honest with them and tell them why. Regular phone calls, the occasional visit (cv allowing), then supplement with cards or flowers or a quick text to say hi.

Call your parents while DH is preparing dinner. Relax and devote the time to them, don't call when you've got 100 other things on your mind. Can you limit calls to 2 or 3 a week?

Is there a timescale for the promotion?

Have you got any AL booked to look forward to?

Graciebobcat's suggestion of switching your exercise to yoga, Pilates etc is a great one.

Agree with others that you have a busy routine which, combined with the induced menopause, would be impossible for anyone.

I disagree completely regarding the cleaner. If you want a good cleaner, who does what you need, you can absolutely find that person. It may take paying a bit more or a little more effort in the beginning to find someone but it worries me that you think it can't be done.

Personally, I'd be looking for a cleaner/housekeeper who would come in at least twice a week, if not three times a week, and who would do day to day tidying and cleaning, regular "deep cleaning" (I'm guessing that's a thing for you), washing, ironing etc. Perhaps shopping or, at the very least, take delivery of online shopping orders. Possibly any other chores that need doing such as collecting prescriptions, dry cleaning drop off/pick up etc.

And/or consider: devices such as a robot vacuum/mop which can be left to vacuum while you're out; a washing delivery and collection service that collects, washes, dries, irons and returns your washing at set times each week; meal delivery which can be Gausto style where you cook it yourself or pre-made home cooked meals that you just have to heat up.

Also, you need to get your DH more involved. eg, perhaps he can be in charge of food at least some of the time. If you insist on everything being done your way, you are going to lose any opportunity to get his help. And to be quite honest, this could then go on to be a problem once you do have a baby.

Oh my love, I feel for you. You must be exhausted. Like so many of the others have said, you can't do all of this and keep going, you'll burn out.

Right now, focus on your priorities - you have to. These sound like your career, and having a family. Both right now, are non-negotiable, and they have to be your focus, not the cleaning and all these smaller details that are threatening to overwhelm you.

If you need to do an insane amount of hours, cut yourself some slack elsewhere. Get a cleaner and accept that it won't be the same as you doing it, but done is better than perfect right now. Same with dinners - pass those decisions over to your husband. You don't have to do everything - even though it probably feels like you do (I say this with kindness as I do the same ALL THE TIME).

You have to be top of your priority list. That includes exercise but only if it makes you feel better. If you do it because you feel you should, just cut back a little. How do you relax? What brings you joy? Your life sounds insanely busy but can you schedule in a movie/meal out/an evening with friends? Something that allows you to take your foot off the pedal?

As others have said, accept the things you can't change right now. These are difficult times and everything feels intensified. Accept that your parents are a long way away and don't beat yourself up about. Friends may be going through a tough time, but so are you. Support them by all means, but remember you need support too - are you open about what you're going through or just focussed on being their support?

Give yourself permission to rest, to need support and to do less.

You understand that a pregnancy and then a baby are going to make this 10x harder right?
It doesn't sound like your career is compatible with a child.
There's nothing wrong with that (I'm happily child free both by choice, and it turns out I'm infertile) - sounds like you need to slow down for a moment and make some hard choices.
It's easy to get swept away in all life's "must-dos"

@Hop27 out of interest, what fertility treatment are you aiming for? 3 months of injections sounds a lot before you even get started?

I don't think many people do as much as you. I work 4 days and am doing IVF. I would find it a lot harder if I were full time. Can you cut back a little on the exercise? Or swap a session or two to yoga or meditation - something that's more for your mind. I'm pretty blunt with my friends and tell them when it's too much and I need to focus on my ivf. They've all been very understanding. You need support too.

As others have said a cleaner, if the one you have doesn't do enough jobs look for an additional one. Mine does whatever I leave on the list, so deep cleaning, normal cleaning, beds etc.
Robotic vacuums are great. High end ready meals in the UK cook or Donald Russell. I find the ingredient boxes too much effort for the money.
If you cant sit without doing something (I cant) try knitting, crochet cross stitch or similar.
Don't worry about fitting everything in when you have a baby as once the baby arrives you'll have a massive cull and things you thought you couldn't stop you will

You know those blokes at work who work at 60 hour week- well, they don't do the cleaning, not to a high standard, if at all. Often people in those types of jobs are facilitated by their wives doing all the wifework, or hiring in nannies/cleaners to plug the gap. You can't actually do everything, it's not possible.

^^This.

Get a housekeeper - someone more than a cleaner. I have a lady I pay a number of hours each week. She costs about 50% more than the going rate for a cleaner, but she does so much more and works off her own initiative. When she started working for me she asked what I wanted doing, and I told her that if it was her house and she looked round it and thought 'I'd do xyz,' well, do that. She does the laundry, puts away my supermarket delivery, mucks out the horses, has even done some small DIY tasks. I come home from work when she has been and it is like a fairy godmother has waved her wand.

Next, sign up for something like Gousto or whatever meal delivery service you have where you live. Make sure your husband agrees to cook half of the meals. If he doesn't, its takeaway those nights and he can collect it.

Finally, let go of the idea that you can have a 60hr a week high powered career, exercise 5-6 times a week, be a domestic goddess, AND have a baby. Accept that something has to give, and you have the power to decide which of those things you let go of. If you don't choose, life will choose for you anyway. I work in a male dominated profession and if I were full time my job would take me overseas 20 days a month. I have cut my hours to 50% and stood back on the subject of promotion. I still have a high powered, high paying job, I just do less of it as a second in command rather than in command. And it gives me the ability to do all the other things I need to do. Other women I know dropped the exercise, or have a messy house. You can't do it all - you can try and it will make your life a misery. Learning to let things go is one of the biggest lessons parenthood will teach you and you have to begin before you are even a parent sometimes.

@Hop27

I've just turned 40 and I'm currently enduring a chemical menopause to help my next round of IVF and I have 3 months to go. I work full time in a senior role, in a male dominated industry and I'm inline for promotion so can't slow down at work. I easily work a minimum of 60 hours a week. Not including networking or BD and have to do that regularly as part of my role. I've always exercised its part of my routine and helps me manage stress, I do this 5/6 times a week. I do the lions share of the housework, I'm very houseproud. DH does contribute but I carry most of it. My 2 best friends and going through major life events and need my support (divorce and new baby) I live abroad and I'm struggling with the fact I can't practically get home to see my ageing parents. I feel so burnt out I could cry. I'm just overwhelmed. AIBU to be letting this get to me, everything is by choice but I genuinely don't know how other people handle life and make it look so seamless and easy ... What can I practically do to make life a little easier ?

First and most obvious thought is why are you being so hard on yourself? You say you are very houseproud. That says a lot. Try to relax more. If you work so hard why be so hard on yourself at home?

A. DH needs to pull his weight.
B. Can you swap the exercise class for something like yoga at least once a week
C. Relaxing takes effort and time. It isn't just about being lazy. Maybe look into meditation or something you'd have to work at?

Get a housekeeper - someone more than a cleaner. I have a lady I pay a number of hours each week. She costs about 50% more than the going rate for a cleaner, but she does so much more and works off her own initiative. When she started working for me she asked what I wanted doing, and I told her that if it was her house and she looked round it and thought 'I'd do xyz,' well, do that. She does the laundry, puts away my supermarket delivery, mucks out the horses, has even done some small DIY tasks. I come home from work when she has been and it is like a fairy godmother has waved her wand.

Yes to this. I think too often women think we have to do all these things ourselves. But it's really not true. And as a PP said, a man working long hours etc would not think twice about the need to do the laundry or get the cleaning done.

A woman on here once said that she hires a handyman who comes for a day a month and her and her DH just put down little things that need sorting as they happen and then send him the list the day before so that he can make sure he has all the right stuff. DH and I regularly fantasise about such a person and if we were both working long hours and had the money, we'd do that in a heartbeat. There is no point having the crazy career if you're not enjoying the fruits of your labour.

Stop. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You can't help anyone properly on a half empty tank and your DH needs to pull his weight to ensure you aren't doing the lions share.

Yes, be a good friend but there are things that are within or without your control. You can only deal with things inside your control. You can care about those outside but it sounds like there is too much and you need to pull back.
Take some time to care for yourself and if that's exercise, then drop everything else.

It sounds like you are on the edge of burn out and it's time to be selfish and put the brakes on.

@Graciebobcat

I couldn't possibly even attempt your routine, OP, have been burnt out working even half those hours and DH shared housework and childcare.

I stopped doing HIIT and high impact exercise though as when you are stressed and lacking sleep it just puts additional strain on your body and can actually make you unwell. I had done cardio, running, aerobics and weights all my life and suddenly in my 40s it didn't work for me at all and I switched to yoga, meditation and brisk walking. Best thing I ever did for my mental and physical health. I'd also recommend you try the free meditations on the Headspace app. When I felt really burned out I would sit in the car in a car park for ten minutes with my eyes shut listening and I couldn't believe how much it helped me feel calm.

If you are going through chemical menopause you really need to look after yourself even more. I'd recommend you see a dietician as well, they will be doing virtual appointments.

And definitely if you can get a cleaner and delegate tasks to DH. And most of all be kind and forgiving to yourself.

Yoga is wonderful but not enough to maintain muscle mass, which depletes as we age. Heavy weights are one of the best things you can do for your health in your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond.

I read somewhere that there are six things that most people want to fit into in their average day - Sleep, Friends, Exercise, Work, Family and Fun (I think).

The article, which thinking about it I think was in Red magazine if you want to Google, there is actually only room for three everyday. So you have to prioritise everyday when you get up which three that day is going to include. For most, sleep, work and family are a given most days, so exercise, fun and friends have to work on a rotational basis, and others have to slide to fit them in.

Not sure where cleaning comes in... as others have said, outsourcing seems to be the logical option!