To not understand how others do it !

[Hop27]

I've just turned 40 and I'm currently enduring a chemical menopause to help my next round of IVF and I have 3 months to go.
I work full time in a senior role, in a male dominated industry and I'm inline for promotion so can't slow down at work. I easily work a minimum of 60 hours a week. Not including networking or BD and have to do that regularly as part of my role.
I've always exercised its part of my routine and helps me manage stress, I do this 5/6 times a week.
I do the lions share of the housework, I'm very houseproud. DH does contribute but I carry most of it.
My 2 best friends and going through major life events and need my support (divorce and new baby)
I live abroad and I'm struggling with the fact I can't practically get home to see my ageing parents.
I feel so burnt out I could cry. I'm just overwhelmed. AIBU to be letting this get to me, everything is by choice but I genuinely don't know how other people handle life and make it look so seamless and easy ... What can I practically do to make life a little easier ?

You say you need the promotion so that you can have a fulfilling life if you don't have a baby, but your life doesn't sound fulfilling now, it sounds like a nightmare about to combust. Give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack.

How do you intend to fit a baby into your life op? Whatever your plan for that is, start doing it now.

Goodness me - no wonder you're exhausted! That's an insanely busy schedule.

Like PP said - get a cleaner. Two or three times a week if you can afford it. Then all you need to do in between her visits is wash dishes/load the dishwasher and maybe some laundry. Get her to make beds and at least wash the bedsheets as part of her jobs. Outsourcing is key.

You don't need to go to the gym or do a workout 5-6 days a week. Cut it back to three days, or maybe do something at home like yoga or Pilates instead.

As for work, doing a 60 hour week on a regular basis is not healthy. Is it really necessary to work 12+ hour days? Can you negotiate WFH some days? Also, have a think about the promotion and whether you really want to continue working these hours for the next several years, given how you feel now.

Similar position as you. 4 months pregnant (after failing for two years for medical reasons), late 30s, senior job, 12 hour days WFH since lockdown, have most responsibilities in the house...I’m exhausted.

I’m slacking with friends. Most don’t understand why I can’t do less at work. They don’t understand that it doesn’t work like that at my level and in my industry.

We have a cleaner, which helps massively, but she’s ill so can’t come at the moment.

To not understand how others do it !

Put simply, they don't.

You may think they do, but behind them is an army of help.

Cleaner/housekeeper
Prescription delivery service
Meal prep delivered
Washing/ironing outsourced.
Gardener.
wrap-around childcare.
Taxis to/from work if needed.

Most of us cannot do anything like you are doing and carry the burden alone. Most of us would not even dream of thinking about doing it, let alone berate ourselves for it.

We simply throw money at jobs that we can't physically do.

OR we cut back on work and slow down and smell the roses......

You cannot have it all, or you can but at a cost, you can have choices and you need to to sit down and make them.

I agree that you either need to throw money at it in terms of getting a housekeeper, meals delivered etc.

Or you need to decide which things are truly important to you and prioritise those.

I chose to sacrifice the career when I had my DS and throw money at a cleaner and Gousto. That is how I manage.

Well, I wouldn't be having a baby with a man that sits on his arse and watches his overworked wife do the lion's share of housework, so that'd strike one stressor off my plate.

@GreySkyClouds

Similar position as you. 4 months pregnant (after failing for two years for medical reasons), late 30s, senior job, 12 hour days WFH since lockdown, have most responsibilities in the house...I’m exhausted.

I’m slacking with friends. Most don’t understand why I can’t do less at work. They don’t understand that it doesn’t work like that at my level and in my industry.

I'm not being snarky, and massive congratulations but what's the plan one baby is here? If you're working 12 your days is baby going to be in childcare for that long plus travel? Something's going to have to give somewhere

I'm going to suggest something that is probably difficult to hear. On reading your post it seems like you like to have control over all things in your life with too very high standards.

You can't continue like this - it's not sustainable and certainly not how most people live.

It certainly not sustainable with a baby/small child - it will affect your mental health.

You need to re-evaluate your life. Does work expect you to work 60 hours (ie 20 hours unpaid) per week? Or have you put this pressure on yourself? Another promotion will come along - will another IVF cycle? What is your priority?

Cut out excersise for a bit - your body is tired and needs some respite. Be active and incorporate more gentle exercise into your life (walking more in your day to day, cycling for food shop etc).

As for your home. It shouldn't get messy with just 2 people - it doesn't and shouldnt need be a show home.

Your friends will understand if you tell them you're struggling.

I'm saying this as someone who was similar to you pre children (albeit without IVF).

Be kind to yourself and dip out of high standards for a bit.

Book a day AL, do NO housework, have a nap, chill out in a book shop, followed by jacket potatoes for dinner. I promise you'll feel better.

How will you fit a baby into all this??

You need to slow down. Not everything you’re doing is essential, or has to be done by you.

At this age, friendships tend to take something of a back seat. You’re “supporting” a friend through having a new baby (not sure I understand that, but fine) and another through a divorce. Who’s supporting you? You need to stay saying no, or not now.

If you’re a perfectionist who can’t let someone else do housework, you’re creating a rod for your own back. Let it go. Which is more important? Ensuring all laundry is done in time, or losing your mind to burnout?

Use this as a time to learn. Good luck with the ivf.

I've taken today off work to reset.....I have however answered 3 emails, agreed to pull some stats together by COB and got up showered / dressed after a lie in until 8:30. I'm now starting at the laundry that I've helpfully sorted into piles thinking. I could easily go and stick those on.
What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't I switch off !!!!

I would definitely consider why you can't just relax at all. The anxiety as a result of the fertility treatment is probably not helping. I got severe headaches in early pregnancy which I'd never experienced in my life. When I saw the doctor about them, he said they were tension headaches and not unusual for someone like me who had experienced infertility and was now finally pregnant and waiting for the first scan.

It may be that you need to seek counselling. I know, it feels like yet another chore, but I'm a big believer that when here's a specific thing going on in your life, a short course of counselling can really help. I worked for an organisation that was so supportive of this concept that they offered short term counselling as a paid-for perk - 8 weeks.

Keeping a little bit busy is not really the issue though. The issue is feeling like you're constantly behind and have to do MORE. I quite enjoy a day of pottering around doing a few chores at my own pace while listening to a podcast or whatever. That's very different to running around like a headless chicken attempting to wash the curtains, clean the insides of my cupboard, do enough batch cooking for two weeks in between work conference calls....

You're doing too much, you need to slow down. You will be burning out your body mentally and physically. I've done ivf and was told I was too fit at the time, I was under weight and so wasn't ovulating. Please just take it slow for now OP, you can always ramp up later! Xx

OP, look up ‘adrenal fatigue’. The cortisol and adrenaline rushes from all that busy causes that inability to switch off. You have to consciously train yourself to calm down through breathing, yoga, relaxation, meditation, sleep, rest etc. The hard exercise just exacerbates the problem.

Also read the book Burnout by Emily Nagoski. It’s for women like you and is an eye opener.

if I worked that much I would NOT be doing the lion's share of the housework. That alone would change.

You need to take a break op.

Ivf needs to be the focus. Can you take some holiday for a bit?

Mumsnet answer to everything - get a cleaner. Seriously perhaps a cleaner or out sourcing washing to take off the load.

You've made choices. Senior role at work. Loads of housework. How are you going to keep this up if you have a baby.

A lot of those things are choices. Not saying your choices are wrong, but they are choices. I can't identify with anyone who is houseproud so I had better stop my contribution here.

Hop, perhaps refuse all contact with the 2 draining friends who need loads of help - that would rid you of one big issue which does you no good. Secondly do no housework - let your husband do it or if he can afford it get a cleaner. Those two items are just your choices to make your life worse.

Just talk to the parents on the phone. They won't mind. My parents were glad we moved away to forge successful lives. They genuinely did not need or want us to give things up for them even when nearly dying actually.

This is just me speaking personally, you obviously may feel very differently - but (1) I wouldn't want to be in a job that required 60+ hours per week, so I am not sure I'd want that promotion (I used to do this myself, it burnt me out); (2) if I was feeling time-pressured I sure wouldn't be doing so much cleaning and housework, I would need to lower my standards a bit (I'd get a cleaner if I could afford it and couldn't live with lowered standards); (3) I would not be doing so much fitness, it's not necessary - but perhaps it is useful for you; and (4) I couldn't commit more than a minimum of support for friends (I find that friends don't generally really offer support for these types of things, so anything you do for them will be nice).

More importantly - good luck with your IVF - but what are your plans for fitting pregnancy and DC into your already overloaded life? Babies are a 24/7 job. Will you have ANY support from family (in-laws)? I had zero support and it is tough. If you feel burnt out now, imagine how you'll feel with a baby/toddler/child on top of all this. I suppose you'll need to consider nannies or other form of support. But juggling it all is stressful, and sleep-deprivation makes things more challenging. (Also, babies and children make mess - is your houseproudness going to be able to cope?)

Sorry for the delay. My motto is good at work, bad at life. However - Thanks everyone, this is probably the wake up call I probably have needed.
I guess I always look at those around me and assume it's the same. My DSis is a Dr, has 3 young kids, runs marathons and manages it all in her stride. However when I think about it, she is constantly in activewear, short tempered, sends my mum round to help with laundry and has two 'good rooms' that she doesn't let the kids in and they are beautiful. The rest of the house is lived in and but beautiful in another way because it's so full of warmth, the chaos of family and love. I worked so hard for my house, but I put myself under pressure to have it looking very clean and tidy - all the time. Which isn't needed.
I do have room for a child in my life. I will work differently if I'm lucky enough to get there. DH would be the one responsible for most of the care, with the help of a nanny. His career has hit a natural peak, without him retraining or doing additional study or going out on his own. Mine has the opportunity for big salary jumps, bonus and shareholding. So we agreed I'd focus.
I've tasked DH up, find a cleaner and a new Gardner (we don't like our current one)
I take cabs to and from work anyway, work do it for me as a perk (slightly chauvinistic one - but a perk none the less)
I have leave booked in November.
Plus 2 weeks at Christmas.
I have a 6 month course of hormones, then IVF. This will be my 4th round, so we are trying a different approach.
I've asked many specialists about my exercise and because I've always done it, they say it would be more stressful on my body (and mental state) to stop. But might swap a HIIT session for some yoga.
It's not a fix, but at least it's a start and at least now I'm at peace that I'm not failing at life completely.

Watch "My 600 lb life" if you want to see people who are struggling with adulting, of which there are zillions. Most of us are somewhere very inbetween you/your sis & those on telly for their struggles with life.