To not comply with my dad's paranoid request?

[Xley90]

For years my dad has been interested in some things others may find strange such as certain conspiracies but to be fair he's always given a good debate on them and has never gone as far as flat earth so I've just put it down to him having too much time on his hands. He's currently in hospital from complications of a recent surgery, he's had a positive covid test now he's in hospital but has no covid symptoms luckily.

He's only been texting me sporadically while in hospital, initially he would reply to me when I asked if he's ok but since his positive test he is mostly was not replying - totally ignoring my messages asking if he's ok, so I've been checking in with the hospital for updates.

Yesterday he started saying that the ward he was in was awful, that he could tell me stories that would make my hair stand on end and that he wanted me to contact his old nurse who was looking after him (from a few years back, at the same hospital) and ask this nurse to 'check it out'??!! He's suggesting the hospital don't want to let him go and want him to die there.

My question is, am I being unreasonable if I won't 'ask the question' of this nurse? He's obviously scared and anxious, when i've replied to him that another department won't get involved he just begs me please to ask the question. I obviously don't want to ring this department and sound crazy myself but don't want my dad (even if he's in a deluded state) to think i don't care and make him more anxious.

I was thinking about just ringing the department and letting them know he's told me he has an appointment coming up with them (he claims he does) and he wanted me to let them know he's in hospital so can't be contacted (telephone appointment). That way I have kind of done part of the request which I think is reasonable but I feel uneasy about lying to my dad to say I've asked them his bizarre request. Torn between lying or refusing and him thinking I won't do a simple thing that he claims 'may save his life'.

I’m not clear. What is the ‘question’ he wants you to ask his former nurse? Is it about standards of care in his current ward? What does he think she can do about it? Or is this some Covid conspiracy theory!

Just ask her and see what happens. Maybe he is telling the truth and things aren't good on his ward. It needs investigating. Not sure the nurse could help but she may be able to advise you and your dad might gel better when you can tell him what she's said (if you can even speak to her)

I would refuse.
But I would also be wondering how much worse his mind is. Infection can cause confusion, but could he also be starting with dementia ? How old is he ?
Only you will know how much worse, or not, he seems.

Possibility of delirium? My Mum had it at one point . She had dementia and was paranoid at the best of times. I would acknowledge what she was feeling but nor feed it if that makes sense and would lie on occasions when I felt necessary to reduce greater mental stress.

I'd flag it with his ward- it could be a water infection, they can do crazy things with your head.

And agree to flag it with ward about water infection .

My dad went a bit crazy in hospital. ,it was the combination if drugs. ..could it be this?

I'm honestly not clear what he wants me to ask her either, he just keeps saying ask her to check into it (I'm not sure what 'it' is) he did also mention trying to get out of hospital so I think he wants her to help get him discharged.

I dont know how much the ward will tell you. Is it possible that whatever medication he is on at the moment is contributing to the way he is thinking?

Given his history of conspiracy theories I would tend to see this now as a symptom. Is he properly hydrated? Is this being checked on, not just having a glass of water put by his bed.

I would contact the department to see if he does have an appointment. If he does then you can let them know where he is.

Don’t contact the other nurse but do ring and let the ward know. Whilst he may previously been a believer in conspiracy theories it may be that he has delirium and, with the difficulties in PPE, they may not have picked up on just how paranoid he is.

Honestly OP, sounds like my mum when in early stages of dementia BUT also delusions like this common during urinary infections and a side effect of drugs.Definitely let the ward know and tell your dad whatever he needs to hear to comfort him and lessen his anxiety.

My dad was in hospital one time and was convinced they were keeping him prisoner. It was the pain medication he was on.

You can tell him you tried to track down the other nurse and it’s not possible to do so as they won’t let you find individual staff members. Then speak to them and explain how he’s feeling.
It’s understandable as an older person that he might be feeling pretty freaked out in hospital atm, conspiracy stuff is everywhere because of Covid and if his mind has always been tuned into that stuff anyway it will be scary for him x

How old is your Father ? The first thought that popped into my mind was delirium. Have you spoken to the ward that he is on ? Are there other people in the vicinity who are confused/distressed ? Hearing shouts or screams from other people can heighten those paranoid feelings in people with delirium. Next time you speak to him ask him about the other people around him , are they quiet, is it noisy at night , is he managing to get any sleep at all ?

Can you contact the nurse and ask if she would be kind enough to visit him?
Or is there a patient advocate or PALS representative he could see to tell about his concerns? Some awful things DO happen on hospital wards, but some are fantastic.
Or is he not allowed any visitors because of coved?

I would contact the old nurse, express your reservations to her and let her decide what to do. There are some horrific conditions in some hospital (nothing to do,with covid) and another health professional ‘checking it out’ may be just the thing. No harm contacting her, she can always ignore

It sounds like it could be delirium. Please let the nurses know as it's much harder to assess without family visiting who know what his normal cognition is like.

I have experienced things in hospital that would make your hair stand on end so comply for now but with reservations would be the right thing to do.

I would probably just do it. Call the ward. Pass on his request. Most likely you'll sound a little silly or confused but the person you're speaking to will be busy and probably won't give it that much thought. Then it's done and you don't have to think about it any more.

On a side note, conditions could be bad? If no visitors/ no one checking

I had a awful stay in hospital last year, I was on the gastric ward and some of the things I saw were unbelievable, I could have cried for some of the patients and the lack of care (due to there not being enough staff), I got no sleep as I was worried about people’s safety especially the older patients who needed a much higher level of care due to their mental state. I can see how your dad could believe he’s being kept there to die even though it’s not true.

I would call the ward and tell them you are concerned by what your father is saying and that he is very anxious about the situation, they can then at least try and reassure him.

A pp mentioned medication, we had the same experience. My Dad was put on tramadol (sp?) for a pelvis fracture and he became completely delusional. It resolved when he was put on something else. I would request a call from his doctor to review. You can share his symptoms with him.

Hospital wards can be horrible places. Noisy & busy from 6am to late. I'd imagine sleep deprivation could be an issue for some patients too. Our Dads experiences in hospitals were always difficult and disappointing.

I think I would call the switchboard and ask for a message to be sent to the old nurse saying that dad is on X ward, he's distressed and asking for her, you think he may be confused but you promised him you would pass the message on. It's up to her what she does and you can honestly tell him you did it. Also flag it with his current ward as it sounds like a medical issue.

@CodenameVillanelle - good luck with getting that message passed through

Why lie? Why collude with his paranoia?

Just tell him that no, you won't be calling some random nurse because it's inappropriate and unnecessary.

Hmmm..my dad was just in hospital for a few days - he is totally mentally capable but can’t speak so very vulnerable, and the standard of care he received was shocking - he really was just abandoned for hours on end when in need of urgent help, and pressing his call button got no response. Someone more confused than him might well assume they were being left to die. When my mum was waiting with him on the ward, she was distressed by what she saw, both in terms of his situation and what she observed of other patients being left and uncared for.

When my grandmother was dying and in hospital, she complained she was not being properly cared for and when we went in to observe she was absolutely right - the care was shocking if one of us wasn’t there keeping an eye and checking what was going on. At the moment, with visitors restricted and staff busy, I’d imagine conditions are even worse than usual.

So I would take what your dad says seriously and do something to contact the hospital to raise concerns and see how he is and make sure someone is aware that he is in distress.