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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not comply with my dad's paranoid request?

103 replies

Xley90 · 19/10/2020 06:33

For years my dad has been interested in some things others may find strange such as certain conspiracies but to be fair he's always given a good debate on them and has never gone as far as flat earth so I've just put it down to him having too much time on his hands. He's currently in hospital from complications of a recent surgery, he's had a positive covid test now he's in hospital but has no covid symptoms luckily.

He's only been texting me sporadically while in hospital, initially he would reply to me when I asked if he's ok but since his positive test he is mostly was not replying - totally ignoring my messages asking if he's ok, so I've been checking in with the hospital for updates.

Yesterday he started saying that the ward he was in was awful, that he could tell me stories that would make my hair stand on end and that he wanted me to contact his old nurse who was looking after him (from a few years back, at the same hospital) and ask this nurse to 'check it out'??!! He's suggesting the hospital don't want to let him go and want him to die there.

My question is, am I being unreasonable if I won't 'ask the question' of this nurse? He's obviously scared and anxious, when i've replied to him that another department won't get involved he just begs me please to ask the question. I obviously don't want to ring this department and sound crazy myself but don't want my dad (even if he's in a deluded state) to think i don't care and make him more anxious.

I was thinking about just ringing the department and letting them know he's told me he has an appointment coming up with them (he claims he does) and he wanted me to let them know he's in hospital so can't be contacted (telephone appointment). That way I have kind of done part of the request which I think is reasonable but I feel uneasy about lying to my dad to say I've asked them his bizarre request. Torn between lying or refusing and him thinking I won't do a simple thing that he claims 'may save his life'.

OP posts:

KarmaNoMore · 19/10/2020 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 19/10/2020 08:00

Don’t drag the previous nurse into it until you’ve tried to sort it out another way, unless she’s the clinical nurse specialist for your DF’s condition. You could tell him a white lie for now - you’re trying to find her but she’s not around. Perhaps she’s on holiday.

Agree with PP - it sounds like delirium which indicates a possible UTI. My DM goes properly loopy when she has one, and it’s the first sign. The ward might not have noticed - they don’t know what’s normal for him.

Standrewsschool · 19/10/2020 08:04

I wouldn’t involve the old nurse. Chances are she wouldn’t even remember your dad if it were a few years back.

Speak to the ward and express your concerns. Urine infections can make you go delirious and/or say strange things, or delirium.

BetitPateau · 19/10/2020 08:06

I don't think it's paranoid to think that some hospitals are a total mess and that some patients do die due to staff negligence. I would text the nurse and it's up to her. She may say I can't i'm not allowed on this ward.
There has been a lot of secrecy and weirdness around covid and it's figures, with death due to covid being branded willy nilly. I too would be scared in a hospital particularly these days. I'd support my dad if he wanted to leave.

AlmostAlwyn · 19/10/2020 08:17

Inpatient delirium is a studied phenomenon, particularly prevalent in the
ICU. It's important that his care providers know about it as it can really hinder recovery, so I would speak to them/request a call-back.

I'm not sure actually contacting his old nurse will make any difference.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 19/10/2020 08:20

I had a phone call from an Uncle once who told me the hospital were trying to kill him and wouldn't let him out and wanted me to help - it was the result of drugs being used. More recently had my FIL with low blood sats due to pneumonia telling us he was in Italy with the Queen. Definitely pass your concerns on to his current nursing staff .

CodenameVillanelle · 19/10/2020 08:25

[quote Aridane]@CodenameVillanelle - good luck with getting that message passed through [/quote]
It doesn't matter really does it? The point is she asked him to do it, and she either lies or refuses, neither of which would sit well with me

alreadytaken · 19/10/2020 08:41

Ridiculous to suggest you'd be scared to be in a hospital - but standards of care can vary between wards and at the moment staff are stressed out trying to keep non covid services running so something may get missed. Phoning the ward he is on to alert them to a possible problem would be wise and asking them if they can arrange a video call might help you see if there is a real problem.

If I could contact the other nurse I would, it probably wont be possible anyway.

JennyWreny · 19/10/2020 08:42

Agree with lots of other posters that it sounds like it could be delirium. My dad had it after an op. Give the ward a ring and let them know. Are you able to visit or not due to COVID? My dad was not really eating or drinking as he was convinced they were trying to poison him. He was also spitting out his tablets. This all made things worse of course because he became more dehydrated.

I hope he is feeling better soon.

CharlottesComplicatedWeb · 19/10/2020 08:43

My experience of the NHS recently (just prior to COVID19) and her subsequent death, left me reeling. I have never experienced such shambolic “care” and witnessed things which I could hardly believe (restraining elderly patients, starving others). I complained. Have heard nothing in the way of reply, due to Covid taking over everything.

I am a former, retired nurse of many years.

I’d say, listen to your dad. What he is saying may seem outlandish but, he may be telling the truth.

CharlottesComplicatedWeb · 19/10/2020 08:44

Sorry, meant to say the death of my mother. Missed that bit.

Suzi888 · 19/10/2020 08:46

I’d do it, I’d be too worried not to.

Ariela · 19/10/2020 08:47

I'd ring the ward, express your concerns and ask if they can review his situation (edhydration?blood pressure? etc) and medication in the light of his paranoia.
I'd then tell him you rang but weren't allowed to speak to the nurse, and not to worry you have got in touch with the top people above all the nurses/staff on his ward, and they're going to review his case and medication and get back to you with more information as to when it's likely he can come home.

CupoTeap · 19/10/2020 08:52

Another who says you need to speak to the ward he's on. Eldery relative recently told us the same.

Codexdivinchi · 19/10/2020 08:52

I’d ask her. You’d feel like shit of he actually didn’t ever leave hospital.

We should actually listen to elderly people when they speak rather than just thinking they are batshit

N0tfinished · 19/10/2020 08:56

Raspberry, don't know if you've ever known a person with dementia, but that approach is not helpful. It's rarely successful to reason with them or try to tell them the truth (as you see it). They don't have the capacity or the retention to deal with it, and it only causes distress

Malteserdiet · 19/10/2020 09:01

@rainylake I agree.
When my DH was quite unwell in hospital a few years ago, I didn’t think his care was that great but I was even more unsettled by the treatment some of the elderly were receiving in nearby beds. The old guy opposite was using some kind of piped air system and when the bag ran out they left the alarm ringing literally for hours. I know they are overworked and busy but with no visitors to advocate for them or fill in the gaps - like refilling their water jugs - it’s not too far fetched to consider that your DDad is feeling vulnerable and uncared for and is asking for your help.

Hailtomyteeth · 19/10/2020 09:03

When my mother was in her final illness I visited her in hospital daily. It was absolutely clear to me that the intent of staff was to move people on to the next life! It's quite possible your father is observing that. Please keep your eyes and ears open. If he's signed a dnr, they have his permission to drug him down and starve him to death.

Malteserdiet · 19/10/2020 09:04

Also my DGM recently had a stay in hospital and received really crap care with no visitors allowed. They basically starved her for 4 days “in case” they ever did a gall bladder removal operation that I’m sure they never intended to do in the first place considering she’s 89 and only after the strong intervention of her two children has she now been released home to at least live out her remaining days with loved ones able to be around her.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 19/10/2020 09:05

Is he on any morphine based medication? That always made my Mum very paranoid.

On the other hand had my sister was the one who realised one of her various ‘hook ups’ was not connected in the night and saved her life. I have witnessed some startling lack of care at one particular NHS Foundation hospital.

Nottherealslimshady · 19/10/2020 09:09

I think you either need to ring the department he seems to have ongoing care with. Or the department hes currently in. Something is obviously wrong and they need to help him. You cant just say "no, I wont do that." And leave him scared for his life. Either they are not being nice to him, or his drugs or condition is affecting his mental state.

ApolloandDaphne · 19/10/2020 09:10

My elderly FIL was recently suffering from delirium as a result of a UTI. He would constantly call my DH asking why he was in his care home and saying they were being kept prisoner and wanted to go home. He had no memory of how he came to be in the home and that has house had been sold. Once they sorted it out he was back to his normal self. I would talk to the ward staff about the sort of thing your DF is saying as he too may be suffering from delirium.

Codexdivinchi · 19/10/2020 09:10

@Malteserdiet

That’s fucking awful. Thank god they pulled her out.

CharlottesComplicatedWeb · 19/10/2020 09:11

I think with COVID19 and “Clap for our NHS” and canonising NHS staff might in future allow neglect, lack of advocacy and poor care to flourish. It is a real concern for me. Whilst I applaud the work of many many members of the NHS collectively, there are many individuals who I wouldn’t let near my dog, never mind a beloved relative.

It’s good to read some of the posts on here saying we cannot assume all care is good care.

pussycatinboots · 19/10/2020 09:12

My dad thought there was a terror attack happening while he was in hospital there wasn't and that the doctors were all spies working for MI5 they weren't, well I don't think they were
Even after he came home he banged on about the terror attack on the hospital and if you told him there wasn't one, he'd get really agitated and aggressive, completely out of character.
Best thing to do is nod and agree, and say nothing.

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