To ask, How do you process your feelings ?

[MrsNotNice]

So I’m not very emotionally mature I believe sadly due to few major traumas in my childhood.

I genuinely struggle to process my emotions as an adult and I’m teaching myself things like anger management and everything like that from scratch..

My motivation to do this is my kids. They’re toddlers.. but I’m finding the fact they need to learn those basic skills is motivating me to learn it too..

Which makes me realise I’m still stuck at that age emotionally which is a bit sad.

So anyway.. I’ve got to a point where I’ve learnt to recognise my range of emotions aside from being so black and white (negative /positive). And managed to label those feelings somehow in my head..

But I can’t figure out the part where I’m meant to not let that feeling overwhelm me. How? What do I do? I need to get on with my day while still feeling all those intense feelings and I just don’t know what to do with them. My thoughts are racing and I can’t focus until I offload them.

I need to learn to manage my emotions efficiently.

So I want to know how you process your intense and difficult emotions ?

I know it sounds like I’m on the spectrum which could be possible but it’s more likely an upbringing issue as me and my siblings all have the same dilemmas. We have been taught to handle emotions wrong and now we need to relearn things by ourselves.

This book is aimed at kids www.amazon.co.uk/My-Hidden-Chimp-author-Paradox/dp/1787413713/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Which breaks it down really simply for them with fun pictures. There’s an adult version but I’ve not read that one.

I suffer with anxiety, if something is worrying me I will write it down and come back to it at the end of my day. I also write lists eg if I have lots to do and I'm a disorganised person in general I find a list helps me stay on track - so I guess I find practical solutions to help myself, distractions also, so if I'm having a stressful day I'll 'treat' myself, wether that's a chocolate, 5 minutes to sit and read or have a bath etc so I can relax.

I write it down. Then I write that it's ok to have feelings and they will pass. I also have an actions column of things that might help like verbalising it to myself out loud (to get it 'out'), telling a friend & distracting stuff like going for a am,having a bath,tidying up: to give my mind a break when I get overwhelmed.

I see a therapist every week and find it massively helpful

I think I need to start writing down.

I used to do it until I discovered venting to friends and became addicted to that in a toxic way.

I’ll go back to writing and then coming back to it when feelinf logical

I’m going through a divorce atm and what’s keeping me sane is an app called Thought Journal- it uses CBT techniques to guide you through writing down and challenging negative thoughts. It’s useful if you have some prior experience of CBT. Other than that, mindfulness, yoga, writing. I struggle to identify my emotions in the first place so I find looking at a chart like Parrott’s taxonomy of emotions very helpful.

I’d recommend seeing a therapist in the first instance to learn tools that you can take home and practice by yourself. Best wishes.

Journalling helps because it supports you in developing Awareness. This in turn facilitates Autonomy or choice.

I'd also recommend mindfulness. A saying that helps me is, Between every stimulus and response is a space, and in that space is a choice.

Would you like to share an example of an emotion/behaviour you'd like to work on?

Sometimes I play out imaginary conversations in the shower with people who have angered/stressed me out when it’s not practical/possible for me to discuss with them directly. It might sound a bit barmy but it means I can release those feelings and let go without fallout.

I found this book extremely helpful: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/059307744X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_G3CJFbQT6SSFX?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
Good luck!

I talk to friends and family. They have kept me sane during a very difficult time at work which has just come to an end.

They have been my rock(s) and I would do the same for each and every one of them too.

I talk to myself a lot. I am very good listener I don’t tend to speak to others about my feelings much as I have such lengthy discussions with myself. Sounds bonkers I know😂

I suffered massively as a teenager. My poor parents were convinced I was going ti commit suicide. I saw the damage I did to them and swore I would never let it go that far again. So I have created this person in my head, a well adjusted, pragmatic, logical, sort of unfeeling person. And that person asks me questions like 'ok. So what is causing you to think like this?' And 'what are you going to do to fix it'. The main thing is this person in my head always tells me 'it can be fixed. You just need to figure out how to fix it'. I take time out, whether that's 3 minutes during the day when my toddler is driving me mad,or 20 mins in the bath at night and I come up with my way of fixing my emotional issue, or I talk myself around to realise the issue isnt actually long term, so it's not actually an issue. I give myself the time to be angry, and then I let that person in my head talk me through solving whatever it is that is getting to me.

It works most of the time, but it involves basically being your own tough love.

I suffered massively as a teenager. My poor parents were convinced I was going ti commit suicide. I saw the damage I did to them and swore I would never let it go that far again. So I have created this person in my head, a well adjusted, pragmatic, logical, sort of unfeeling person. And that person asks me questions like 'ok. So what is causing you to think like this?' And 'what are you going to do to fix it'. The main thing is this person in my head always tells me 'it can be fixed. You just need to figure out how to fix it'. I take time out, whether that's 3 minutes during the day when my toddler is driving me mad,or 20 mins in the bath at night and I come up with my way of fixing my emotional issue, or I talk myself around to realise the issue isnt actually long term, so it's not actually an issue. I give myself the time to be angry, and then I let that person in my head talk me through solving whatever it is that is getting to me.

It works most of the time, but it involves basically being your own tough love.

I ignore mine which isn't helpful.
Place marking for tips.

I’m good at distracting myself from addressing emotions and they come out later. I write stuff down or talk to myself but if it’s anything to do with health/medical my science brain kicks in and it’s purely clinical rather than emotionally sensitive. I’ve got to learn strategies to make sure I don’t bottle up. I think, for me, a lot of it is learned behaviour from my childhood.
Good luck!

Hi OP. Your question is actually quite difficult. Many supposedly mature adults struggle with emotions too. Their tolerance to frustration is a bit higher than toddler, but life can be overwhelming nonetheless.

One thing that might help is practicing mindfulness (Google it...): recognising your emotions, not burying them, but dealing with them in a somewhat detached way (they are yours, but they are not you)
That, and self compassion (as you recognise your emotions, give yourself a handhold and a virtual hug, be your own best friend... and move on)
Both are helpful for "letting go" of negative feelings (and not feeling negative towards yourself for having negative feelings)

... good luck on your journey, OP! Total control on your feelings is not really possible (or even desirable), but I have no doubt you can learn how better to manage them

I vocalise. Either to my mum or out loud to myself (or the dog). I suffer with anxiety and depression as a result of my son passing away. Talking through what I'm feeling at the time helps me rationalise whats going on in my head. He would have been 11 this week so I'm talking alot.
Im a massive over thinker as well and if I keep the thoughts and feelings in my head I suffer insomnia as a result. I have to literally say it out loud to clear my head enough to be able to sleep. My poor mum has heard every crazy thing thats popped into my head for the last 12 years. I honestly don't think I'd be here without her though, she's my "voice of reason" that I seem to lack internally.

I do the same as @SqidgeBum

I take some time (sometimes 5mins sometimes half an hour) and talk myself through the issue in a calm and rational way. Every situation has a solution and if it doesn't then accepting that is the solution. For example "I've lost my favourite scarf. I loved it and I will miss it but I have no way to get it back so I'll be sad but worrying about it won't fix it. I'll treat myself to a new one but it won't replace my lost one and that's okay"

Sometimes I will want to talk it over with friends because it's worrying at me and so I have an imaginary rant to them. If I do this enough I either find a solution, I find out what it is that's really bothering me (It could be that I wasn't angry at my friend for eating my last rolo but actually upset because she is always taking my things without asking, for example) or I find a really clear and succinct way of asking for advice so my friend can help me without listening to a huge rant.

Therapy is beneficial because a counsellor can work with you to find things that work for you and can hold you accountable- checking how you're getting on and making sure you're using healthy techniques.

Oh I totally get this, childhood of suppressing the negativity and then teenage years of self medicating it away.
For me, once I’d identified the emotions it was a case of working out why I felt like that. Mostly the thing that had sparked the emotion wasn’t the real reason behind it. Figuring out the core reason, Is definitely the next step before seeing if there’s anything to be done or not.

For everyday stuff, we have an agreement where a short period of time upon coming in from work is for a cup of tea and a vent about anything that happened during the day.

That gets it out before it's had a chance to fester - and it's easier to react calmly (at least on the outside) to general twattishness during the day, knowing that there's 30-45 minutes where we can go ARRRRGGGGHHHH coming up later.

DP needs guiding back to his original problem a lot, as he tends to become very repetitive and can begin to spiral if he isn't brought back to the point - I don't need to know the precise mechanism of an appointment more than once or twice in three months, and certainly not 5 times in one evening when his actual point is that a client was threatening today. But he is improving.

And then it's done, it's out and working out what's for tea is more pressing.

If you don't have somebody who is able to give (and take, it's a two way thing) this every day, therapy where you are allowed to talk about things is better than CBT. CBT has its place, but when you want to let off steam/work out why something happened on that particular day, it's not as helpful because it's often more general 'we don't talk about specific events'.

Have you got an IAPT service where you are? Perhaps you could refer to that?

I journal, multiple times a day. More since xh left as I used to bounce things off him, I guess I used him for emotional regulation, which I’m sure is fairly standard.

My head would be just a huge mess without it.

The other top thing, from what you’ve said, would be the Pete Walker book CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving.

Above all, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. But never forget how strong we all are underneath.

@Pollynextdoor

I talk to myself a lot. I am very good listener I don’t tend to speak to others about my feelings much as I have such lengthy discussions with myself. Sounds bonkers I know😂

I do the same

I have learnt that I give good advice to myself but that I am useless at listening to my own advice and acting on it.

Sorry I don't have time for a long answer but I did a bit of research into this for my dissertation earlier this year...

Articulate your emotions - journal or speaking to someone or even just talking to yourself. Just articulating what your emotions are is powerful.

Exercise. Be creative. Get outside in nature. Challenge yourself to overcome something difficult that takes focus and attention. Doing this stuff results in subconscious emotion processing, reduces stress, makes you healthier etc.

Read "Burnout" by Emily Nagoski, if you do nothing else. The Chimp paradox is good too.

I think the fact that you are asking this question is wonderful. It’s sad that traumas are the reason you are asking, but equally this is a way to make a positive out of bad things, because you are using them as impetus to become self aware and more comfortable, for the sake of your kids. That’s amazing! Many people without trauma and just run of the mill repressed family dynamics around certain emotions don’t question this and just pass on their repressed habits to their kids.

So that congratulations out of the way..., I agree with the others about mindfulness and would go further in saying to attend Buddhist meditation classes. At the moment there are many online, if you pm me to say where you are I could recommend a centre as they are everywhere. Basically meditation is getting yourself into your best, calmest, most relaxed state of mind, and that bring the safe place to explore some of these things. And the more that you become familiar with calmly exploring and understanding your emotions, the more that becomes normal. Like exercising any muscle, you have to train in learning to relax and be with your own mind. Imagine every day hanging out with a relaxed mind - then you have a template of where to go when the stressful situations hit. And, starting the day from a calmer and clearer place, tends to make you less reactive to stressors your start with.

I agree with what others have said about therapy too, it’s so beneficial to sort your thoughts out loud with a trusted person who’s not emotional about things like friends may be.

And lastly, in relation to your kids emotions and how they connect with your own, there is an amazing parenting course called circle of security - you can look up there website for options to do it - I think it should be a universal service that all parents get! Here is a video from them that so helps me and that I think all parents could relate to...

@OhMyMirror

My DD1 would have been 27. 🖤