To ask, How do you process your feelings ?

[MrsNotNice]

So I’m not very emotionally mature I believe sadly due to few major traumas in my childhood.

I genuinely struggle to process my emotions as an adult and I’m teaching myself things like anger management and everything like that from scratch..

My motivation to do this is my kids. They’re toddlers.. but I’m finding the fact they need to learn those basic skills is motivating me to learn it too..

Which makes me realise I’m still stuck at that age emotionally which is a bit sad.

So anyway.. I’ve got to a point where I’ve learnt to recognise my range of emotions aside from being so black and white (negative /positive). And managed to label those feelings somehow in my head..

But I can’t figure out the part where I’m meant to not let that feeling overwhelm me. How? What do I do? I need to get on with my day while still feeling all those intense feelings and I just don’t know what to do with them. My thoughts are racing and I can’t focus until I offload them.

I need to learn to manage my emotions efficiently.

So I want to know how you process your intense and difficult emotions ?

I know it sounds like I’m on the spectrum which could be possible but it’s more likely an upbringing issue as me and my siblings all have the same dilemmas. We have been taught to handle emotions wrong and now we need to relearn things by ourselves.

I had an abusive childhood. A cold mother who preferred her other children to me. She left us when I was 16 and I had to take her place in the house looking after my siblings and go to school, do the washing and ironing and cleaning and cooking, and then when I left school and had a job I still had to do the same.

It is because of her that I did not know what my place was in the world. I was not a child, but I had not been a child for a long time before she left, and I was not an adult but I was expected to do all these things, and still be a young person like my friends.
I was not like them. I had all these responsibilities which weighed heavy on my shoulders. I felt different to other people and thought people did not like me, but that was because my mother did not. She really did a number on me (

When things get really bad I write it all down to myself, and I talk to myself. I could not tell anyone how bad it was because I do not think anyone would believe me.
It affects how I make decisions even now, and it certainly has affected how I raised my children. I won't let it beat me though, so I talk on when I am alone and get it out of my system for a while........

Hmm, this is interesting. I am generally very emotionally aware, but sometimes find it hard to identify exactly how I'm feeling, or put words to it. My childhood was very emotionally suppressed (a tantrum would have resulted in a smacking, so we just never had them, and my parents weren't very good at dealing with negative emotions, so we kept it inside), and this surely MUST have something to do with it.

@Anordinarymum

There is nothing ordinary about you. You're amazing

This thread speaks to me .
Therapy .

Brilliant question
Yoga
Meditation
Eckhart Tolle books
White chestnut Bach’s remedies
Talking to myself.
Respond instead of reacting. Finding the ‘gap’ between the inciting incident and acting and allowing time to think about what is the best way to proceed

Hi OP, I’m in the same boat. Have reached the stage where starting to practice ‘sitting with’ overwhelming emotions, and watching as the intensity gradually lessens. Is extremely uncomfortable but gets less so with time. As the muscle builds, so the overwhelm generally lessons. Also, writing down - doesn’t help me much at the time but very useful to go back and spot patterns.

I have spent most of my life neatly boxing away my emotions, aiming to feel as little as possible, so i am a giant overwhelmed baby in some ways. That makes me feel kinder to myself, which also helps

[quote eatsleepread]@Anordinarymum

There is nothing ordinary about you. You're amazing [/quote]
Bless you. We all are x x

( comes and curls up ina corner

Abusive childhood here too. Funnily enough Ive just bought the PeteWalker book recommended. I feel like Im just shutting down.

I feel for you, OP. I'm in a similar position l, although no living kids yet and I'm educating myself. Baby loss trauma made me see things clearer.

I agree with pp's advice, when someone angers or upsets me, or whenever I get an emotionally loaded negative response to someone's behaviour, I stop, breathe, calm down. This allows me not to be as impulsive. Then I replay the situation when I'm having a shower. I imagine putting myself in the other person's shoes. I try to consider the reasons for their behaviour, maybe there are some valid reasons, a justification, or maybe they had a bad moment/day, which we all have. I weigh up if it's worth doing anything about it, addressing it. In other words, I pick my battles wisely. This isn't meant to be finding an excuse for others' bad behaviour every time, but it's about compassion and empathy, and looking after myself, too. Ultimately, holding on to negative emotions is draining and unhealthy. So are emotional negative reactions which are impulsive, so I avoid them now.

It's a difficult route and you won't always win. But I believe it's worth it and wish you the very best of luck

I write things down or draw a picture. I'm no artist and these drawings are 'rudimentary' but there is something really rather satisfying about drawing a little doodle of Jane from two doors down (miserable bastard) as a witch on her broomstick or my horrible ex being eaten by a crocodile

If it’s work related I talk to my exDH who works in the same organisation but in a different department in a much more senior position. He gives me a strategic perspective which is incredibly useful as it helps me to know whether to let something go or whether to go and tackle it.

It it’s personal, I talk to my DP who is brilliant at pouring me a glass of wine and then sitting listening when I rant or ruminate, or retreat or divert. He doesn’t try to fix it for me, or tell me what to do. He just lets me talk. And sometimes in need to go into myself a bit, to withdraw, and he knows when it’s time to give me some space to do that.

Im the sort of person who would like to talk it out. This must be much easier if you have a partner who can listen or a parent!

I had counselling for a year which was amazing and i truly miss. But even in the simplest level connecting with someone who will listen is so powerful.

I get easily overwhelmed and find making lists helps. Its out of my head and on my list.

Excerising gives me time to work out emotions, sometimes I will replay a scenario in my head and breakdown what made me cross, upset etc.

If you can figure out what your triggers are then you can take steps to try to avoid being overwhelmed.
Have a think about what certain situations lead you to get emotional.
Mine was often not feeling in control. Not in a controlling way, but the frustration of having no control on the randomness of kids behaviours when I was trying to get something done used to make me angry.
Once you’re aware of your triggers, you find methods of calming yourself down. Look into grounding techniques, mindfulness and changing your physical bodily reactions. Like unclenching clenched fists, or turning a frown into a fake smile.

Go for walks in a park, woods or other green places. Really notice where you are and connect with the natural surrounding. It sounds a bit airy fairy but there’s genuinely something very calming and grounding about being in nature. If you can make it a daily habit, it can work very well.

@Pollynextdoor

I talk to myself a lot. I am very good listener I don’t tend to speak to others about my feelings much as I have such lengthy discussions with myself. Sounds bonkers I know😂

I second this

I came on to recommend the Steve Peters book too. ‘The silent guides’ is another of his books directed at raising emotionally stable children

What a good thread! Thank you for starting it.

I have only learned to deal with anger, and I have become better at that since I had children, mainly through helping them deal with theirs.
I seem to be the childhood-twin of @Anordinarymum and what I learned was to put everything away, in a box and not deal with any of it.
It's probably not healthy, but it gets me through.
I think both I and my children could do with being better at dealing with emotions other than anger though, so am going to follow the thread.

@OhMyMirror
@CoRhona
Love and strength to you both- I am sorry for your losses.

Write it down and if possible talk it through with someone. Then I go and eat cake which isn't quite as useful in the long run but it's a good excuse! 😂

Get into your body. Our stress starts in our nervous system and is held in our body. Thing about survival responses in the body is that the thinking rational bit of our brain doesn't work well and our habitual defensive reactions take over. These are good because they have kept you safe in the past but they might not serve you now. Getting into the body can change these patterns. There are lots of modalities to do this like somatic education, Feldenkrais, TRE.
At the moment there is a free online conference The Embodiment Conference on till Saturday. Might be something or someone in there who resonates with you

This thread is a treasure trove of good ideas and experiences. Thanks for asking the question, OP.

Oh wow I didn’t expect to see so many replies ! Been busy over the last few days and blocking my feelings out as usual so I can stay on top of my responsibilities and not ruminate. I just worry it will haunt me one day when I’m too vulnerable to deal with it all so I want to use my moment of strength to actually reflect on my issues and face them and process them.

There has been so many great suggestions by many pp, I thank each and every single one of you. I will go through teach response thoroughly and look into purchasing the books recommended on the weekend.

I like the idea of journaling. I don’t fancy the idea of talking to myself because I remember I did it for a while and I didn’t actuallt like my own voice and so I got to sound crazy with no positive outcome.

I am looking for a proactive way to heal my heart and not wait for it to be so trapped in problems.

Meditation sounds nice. I think I will go out more with the kids and notice the little things and try to enjoy the power of now.

I perhaps want to journal the positive things that happen in my day and positive messages I want to tell my future self.

Basically.. I had a panick attack while pregnant even though I had managed to convince myself that all my issues hadn’t affected me. I went through deep crap as a person but tried to hold it together and be the strong one for everyone else. But things collapsed on my head when I one day fell vulnerable and couldn’t find anyone to support me.. I had panick attacks after panick attacks and then I finally realised that no I wasn’t actually ok.. but had no idea where to start.

Now I’m ok. But I know that’s the Same fake ok that I convinced myself for a long time and I’m worried that the future might hold more panick attacks for me where I might not succeed to see positivity like I had succeeded last time.

I guess this does sound like I have anxiety. Wow I didn’t realise I did. I guess life does consume us after a while.

So I want to write A journal through my hard times reminding myself of all the positives I still see in them all.. and why I made choices that might not be so perfect and how I shouldn’t look back on them with regrets..

I want to be my own friend.

The pp that said sitting in the emotion is very hard at first you are very right. I will try sit in the emotion and not make any emotionally driven choices during that.. and I will try not let the emotion consume me.. something I’ve never learnt to do because I genuinely never allowed myself to admit to have the right to have any emotion other than positive ones.. or anger when all that fails. Probably directed at myself.

So I will sit in the emotion.. document how it feels..

And then when I regain control of my thoughts, I shall write myself a future letter of support for when I experience that emotion again.

Maybe I’ll make an emotional treasure box. With supportive words to myself during each of the spectrum of emotions and how I need not panick.

Such as:

Worried ??: you have been such and such and such worry on that day. You managed to overcome it. You can do this too. How true was alll those worries that you had in comparison to reality today?

Sorry if this sounds confusing.

Will update on the weekend !

Not sure if this has been shared already but it’s useful!

Great thread, thank you

Do you like podcasts OP? If so I recommend The Life Coach School podcast. thelifecoachschool.com/podcasts/

Its VERY American but the coach, Brooke Castillo, is absolutely superb at drilling into the thoughts behind the feelings and unlike lots of discussion podcasts actually teaches you very practical, effective tools to deal with your stuff. I've got so much out of it in terms of handling my own mind, being able to process my thoughts and control my most damaging behaviours. I recommend scrolling back through the list as there's a wide range of topics and picking out the ones that deal with key things for you.

And I'm so sorry you've had to go through what you did. FWIW you come over as hugely emotionally intelligent, insightful and self-aware. Good luck