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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Mother and her "fiancee"

69 replies

Draculahhh · 18/10/2020 22:13

This will be a long one so apologies

So for a few years now my mum has kind of flitted from man to man. These men without exception have all been 30 years younger, not from this country and Muslim. They contact her through Facebook.

While she is seeing these men she is a full on Muslim convert, when she is single she "goes back to normal".

So the latest man she has been with for two months, he is 30, she is 60. He is also in this country illegally. So far, they have moved in together, she works like a dog to keep this person as obviously he isn't allowed to work. Oh and they are getting married as soon as they can.

I honestly feel like I am banging my head agaisnt a brick wall with her, this guy is his own red flag parade. She has basically shut myself and my siblings out of her life when we expressed our discomfort. She announced she wont even be seeing her grandchildren at Christmas because her boyfriend isn't welcome and she doesn't celebrate it anymore.

So my AIBU is, should I wash my hands of her or keep trying to get through to her before its too late.

OP posts:
CoRhona · 18/10/2020 22:24

You can't give up on your mum!

ladybee28 · 18/10/2020 22:30

@CoRhona

You can't give up on your mum!
Yes, you absolutely can.

But that doesn't mean you have to.

OP, the two options you've laid out there are two ends of a spectrum.

Could you imagine maintaining a relationship with her without trying to 'fix' her? Or does that feel impossible?

Original poster
Draculahhh · 18/10/2020 22:35

My mother is an all or nothing type, of we won't accept this man then she will refuse to be around us too. I am understandably wary about having my DDs around somone I know nothing about and to be perfectly honest I don't either.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2020 22:35

Ideally you shouldn’t give up on your own mum but you have to protect yourself first and it sounds like it’s been a rollercoaster of her romantic life and its impact on the wider family.

She won’t listen so if you’ve tried your best to talk some sense into her then leave it, back away and if you can bear to then hang around in the background to pick up the pieces when it all hits the fan. You don’t have to, it’s her mess, but see how you feel.

Binning off her grandchildren at Christmas for some random shows she’s in a bad way but as I said, you have to put yourself first and it sounds very stressful.

Original poster
Draculahhh · 18/10/2020 22:36

@Draculahhh

My mother is an all or nothing type, of we won't accept this man then she will refuse to be around us too. I am understandably wary about having my DDs around somone I know nothing about and to be perfectly honest I don't either.
Sorry "dont want to be around him either"
OP posts:
Thesuzle · 18/10/2020 22:38

Well if he’s here illegally, get him deported

StatisticalSense · 18/10/2020 22:39

Report him (and the inevitable future ones) to immigration if you really want rid of him. If he isn't here legally I'm sure the immigration authorities will be able to remove him from the scene.

MazDazzle · 18/10/2020 22:44

She sounds like hard work. It’s not even as if this is one man, he is one in a line of many. I’d leave her to it and make it clear that if she needs you she knows where you are.

lioncitygirl · 18/10/2020 22:45

The is only so much one can take, and when you have young children you need protect, that line is closer than you think. Your mother sounds reckless and she's an adult so she gets to do what she wants - you need to protect you and your kids from this new guy, and therefore your mum.

Original poster
Draculahhh · 18/10/2020 22:55

It kind of hit me today, its my DDs 16th birthday, her eldest granddaughter. She didn't even get her a card she messaged me later saying she was busy.

It makes you reflect on life when even your 6 year old says, nana is a bit rubbish isn't she mum.

OP posts:
SRS29 · 18/10/2020 23:03

@Draculahhh

It kind of hit me today, its my DDs 16th birthday, her eldest granddaughter. She didn't even get her a card she messaged me later saying she was busy.

It makes you reflect on life when even your 6 year old says, nana is a bit rubbish isn't she mum.

Just wow OP, so sorry, that's just a bit shit
WorraLiberty · 18/10/2020 23:09

If she's been chasing after men half her age for years, I think I'd leave her to it personally.

Some men and women are like that unfortunately and they rarely want to change.

MazDazzle · 18/10/2020 23:11

Your poor DD.

That’s shit.

My DM often doesn’t bother with my kids’ birthdays. At best they get money in a card popped through the letterbox (she lives two streets away), but sometimes she just doesn’t bother.

Ellmau · 18/10/2020 23:13

It's pretty hard to get married in the UK if one person is here illegally. I used to work next door to a register office and we were often seeing immigration vans parked round the back and various hapless overstayers taken away.

But it's not this one man that's the problem, is it? It's a pattern of your mum putting her wants over your and your DD's. I doubt she's going to change. Sorry, OP - it is rough on you.

funnylittlefloozie · 18/10/2020 23:14

Frankly i'd report him to the Home Office. These dodgy men will be ripping off your mum left, right and centre. Does she have money?

BrummyMum1 · 18/10/2020 23:18

It’s sad when you finally realise how utterly self absorbed a very close relative is. Have a long think about what you realistically are going to have out of a relationship with her and limit yours and your children’s expectations accordingly.

Ponoka7 · 18/10/2020 23:23

I think that you've got to distance yourself, your children don't need to be around this, especially your 16 year old. Your Mother compromises herself and puts her family last, for any man who'll have her. That isn't an example you want your children seeing.

Is he here illegally, or is he an asylum seeker?

Cryalot2 · 18/10/2020 23:29

Happy birthday to your dd.
Your mum is way out of line here.
Report her bf .
You have done nothing wrong, no wonder you are upset.

eatsleepread · 18/10/2020 23:46

She's behaving like an absolute fanny.
Thanks

pallisers · 18/10/2020 23:47

@Draculahhh

It kind of hit me today, its my DDs 16th birthday, her eldest granddaughter. She didn't even get her a card she messaged me later saying she was busy.

It makes you reflect on life when even your 6 year old says, nana is a bit rubbish isn't she mum.

Your 6 year old has it. She is a bit rubbish. I think I'd have mentally given up on her before now tbh.

I think it would be easier for you to accept that she will never listen to reason and just adjust your expectations (and those of your children) way down to nothing. It is sad but it is her choice. There is no way in hell I'd be around or let my children be around a 30 year old man cynically living off a 60 year old woman.

PanamaPattie · 18/10/2020 23:50

Is she the type of woman that has to have a man, any man, so long as they have one in their lives? How pathetic. You are better off without her. Clearly she doesn't care much about you and your family. Let her go.

RaininSummer · 19/10/2020 00:01

I am around your mum's age and she seems to have really lost the plot. I can see why you need to distance yourself to protect yourself and your immediate family but maybe leave the door open as I suspect it will end badly. Very sad as your mum must have very low self esteem to keep doing this .

CatAndHisKit · 19/10/2020 00:03

the problem with reporting is, OP#s mum is very likely to guesthat it as OP who did it - that may lead to a complete breakdown between them.

I don't think they can marry if he's here illegally - he'll haev to supply ID and i'm sure reg offices are told to check, especially with such an age descrepency. So I'd leave it to them to deal with his status.

CatAndHisKit · 19/10/2020 00:04

*guess that it was OP

CatAndHisKit · 19/10/2020 00:04

*discrepency

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