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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Mother and her "fiancee"

69 replies

Draculahhh · 18/10/2020 22:13

This will be a long one so apologies

So for a few years now my mum has kind of flitted from man to man. These men without exception have all been 30 years younger, not from this country and Muslim. They contact her through Facebook.

While she is seeing these men she is a full on Muslim convert, when she is single she "goes back to normal".

So the latest man she has been with for two months, he is 30, she is 60. He is also in this country illegally. So far, they have moved in together, she works like a dog to keep this person as obviously he isn't allowed to work. Oh and they are getting married as soon as they can.

I honestly feel like I am banging my head agaisnt a brick wall with her, this guy is his own red flag parade. She has basically shut myself and my siblings out of her life when we expressed our discomfort. She announced she wont even be seeing her grandchildren at Christmas because her boyfriend isn't welcome and she doesn't celebrate it anymore.

So my AIBU is, should I wash my hands of her or keep trying to get through to her before its too late.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/10/2020 00:07

@CoRhona

You can't give up on your mum!
Of course you can!

She's given up on her children.

Marilla27 · 19/10/2020 00:08

This reply has been deleted

We have concerns about this user so we have deleted their posts and threads.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/10/2020 00:15

I find these kinds of relationships gross and exploitative. I couldn't be around it.

And don't report him FFS. You have no idea his circumstances and one more or less in the country doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

Mintychoc1 · 19/10/2020 00:22

I’d report him

nowishtofly · 19/10/2020 00:33

I had a similar experience with my dad. After my mum died he prioritised his Thai girlfriends over his kids and grandkids. There was eventually a big falling out. Then he married a Ukrainian lady. We found out about it on Facebook! She is younger but not as young as some of his Thai girls were. I'm thankful for that.

I took a huge step back. The falling out was a blessing. The passage of time with NC meant that I was less connected to him. That means it hurts less these years later to reflect that he has (for example) never remembers my son's birthday, that he never comes to see me and even when I had cancer and I couldn't travel he didn't visit (I live a very short and cheap plane ride away). I no longer have much of a relationship with him and that's on him. I call him now and then and make the effort to visit him maybe twice a year in normal times (Covid being why I haven't recently). He never calls me. I don't expect anything of him, I maintain the relationship so I feel better about myself as it feels a bit weird to have no contact at all, but the contact we have now is minimal.

Your mum is a grown woman and is making her own choices in life. She is telling you that her own family is not her priority. By all means, talk to her, but my advice is for you to distance yourself as I suspect that whatever you have to say, she won't listen and you will get hurt by her rejection if you expect anything from her.

TheNewLook · 19/10/2020 01:08

He’s here illegally.

Report him to the immigration authorities.

1forAll74 · 19/10/2020 01:24

I think that your Mum is old enough to know what she is doing,despite her lifestyle being a little different to most. But it's a shame that it is affecting you, and family, as most would worry about the situations that she puts herself into. Just hope that she doesn't get ripped off, and left in the lurch anytime.

Leaannb · 19/10/2020 01:44

@Ellmau

It's pretty hard to get married in the UK if one person is here illegally. I used to work next door to a register office and we were often seeing immigration vans parked round the back and various hapless overstayers taken away.

But it's not this one man that's the problem, is it? It's a pattern of your mum putting her wants over your and your DD's. I doubt she's going to change. Sorry, OP - it is rough on you.

Im confused...Why wouldn't she put her wants and needs over her daughter and grandchild. Mom has the right to a life and if OP.can't get in board with than Mom jas every right to cut OP out.
grassisjeweled · 19/10/2020 02:18

Call immigration

Original poster
Draculahhh · 19/10/2020 07:21

Sorry for the late reply, he is Moroccan and from what we have been told he came over on a 6 month tourist visa over a year ago.

DM has always had the need for a man, its been the same throughout our childhood. I would be thrilled if she met somone nice, somone she could grow old with.

Not this sponger who barely speaks English and sits on her sofa all day while she work herself into an early grave. My DB and I have spoken about reporting him, but I'm worried she might never forgive us. Or she will follow him there and be really trapped.

OP posts:
nosswith · 19/10/2020 07:47

Report him. Given he has an attitude towards women that seems to belong in the 19th century, you may be saving her health ultimately. Even if you then have NC, you may have helped your mum.

Fluffybutter · 19/10/2020 07:51

Sounds like your mum is on some kind of “hit list” for these scum bags if she’s meeting them through the same place (Facebook) .
The fact she’s dumped her family is enough for me to say sod her then and let her get on with it .
I agree with others , I’d report him to the home office

Fluffybutter · 19/10/2020 07:54

@Draculahhh

Sorry for the late reply, he is Moroccan and from what we have been told he came over on a 6 month tourist visa over a year ago. DM has always had the need for a man, its been the same throughout our childhood. I would be thrilled if she met somone nice, somone she could grow old with.

Not this sponger who barely speaks English and sits on her sofa all day while she work herself into an early grave. My DB and I have spoken about reporting him, but I'm worried she might never forgive us. Or she will follow him there and be really trapped.

You’d be doing her a favour and if you want to go no contact now it makes no difference if she won’t forgive you for shopping him. And trust me , he will not be asking your mum to go back with him , she’s no use to him there as he probably has a Moroccan wife , he’ll just try again a few months later with some other misguided soul .
nowishtofly · 19/10/2020 07:55

I would report him. I wouldn't feel bad about it, he is exploiting her. Your mum doesn't need to know it was you. But - she is unlikely to change her behaviours, you will still need to lower your expectations of her.

dottiedodah · 19/10/2020 08:44

I would just go LC for a while ,she seems to have some issues really .Maybe she is trying to relive her youth through these younger guys! If she doesnt want to meet for Christmas (Even supposing you are allowed to of course ) then I would make plans with siblings ,just send her a text on the day and leave it at that .

JagerPlease · 19/10/2020 09:11

If they do give notice to marry, the registrar will have to report to the Home Office as they have a duty to where one person stands to gain an immigration advantage from a marriage. With the addition of the age gap and how brief the relationship is, this will have red flags all over it!

hadtojoin · 19/10/2020 09:44

Have a read of the stories on here, www.tunisianloverats.com/ it will really open your eyes to what these men are like. You probably won't be able to change your mums eyes as she is under his spell, but it may help you to be aware of the tricks they use and it has lots of support when she realises what he is like.

PopsicleHustler · 19/10/2020 09:48

Sounds like a lady , I know. Late 50s or early 60s. Shes on her 4th marriage to an illegal immigrant. Islam has nothing to do with it. They're just looking for a free ride, Visa and so on.
But she shouldn't be pretending to be a muslim when it suits. You either love God and want to wear hijab or you dont.

PopsicleHustler · 19/10/2020 10:03

This reminds me of those hideous stories you hear on the lovenrat documentaries of older women who are going on holiday to countries like Tunisia, Egypt,Turkey and so on. Meet a scruffy waiter who is the love of their life. Then bring them here for them to either steal their money or eventually run off with a younger woman. Or even both.

I even watched one documentary where a lady in her 60s, close to 70s was going to Gambia. She didnt learn her lesson the first time she went, married some creep who took all her money. Then she went back again. Goodness knows what her story is now .

Griselda1 · 19/10/2020 10:31

What a sad story, how difficult will it for your mother to cope as she gets older
She's been very lucky that so far she's only experienced financial abuse and she's putting herself seriously at risk of domestic violence. I know of a similar case where a lady took out a loan to buy herself a solitaire diamond and ended up in a woman's aid refuge whilst the fiancee remained in her house. She had to pay for her accommodation in the refuge, pay for a non molestation order and pay the mortgage on the house he was in. This was when she'd already been fleeced by him for all her savings.
As others have said you need to have reasonably frank conversations with your children about her behaviour.

northstars · 19/10/2020 10:49

Sorry you are going through this Op, it sounds exhausting and stressful, especially the fact that it’s happened so many times. It doesn’t sound like she is going to change. For your own sanity maybe it’s best to take a step back and focus on your own life, being there to support her when it inevitably falls apart. What a horrible situation for you to be in. Flowers

CounsellorTroi · 19/10/2020 10:50

Your DM sounds like a romance scammer’s dream. I am not sure there is anything you can do.

Venicelover · 19/10/2020 11:24

I would report him OP.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/10/2020 12:31

Please report him if he is here illegally. Because it's not just be about your mum, it could be any other vulnerable person these guys exploit. It sounds like your relationship with your mum is pretty damaged anyway, so report the guy.

amusedbush · 19/10/2020 12:40

@Marilla27

Is your mother's boyfriend Turkish because she reminds me of a woman I used to work with. She is divorced and late 50s. She went on holiday to Turkey and met a 28 year old and fell head over heels. We were happy for her but at the same time we were frightened. Within a few years they were married and he came to live in the UK. Once they were married everything changed and he started going more and more by himself and staying out later and later. It didn't take him long to make friends with other turks in London. Three years later they divorced. Now she feels foolish as she can see that she was taken. Luckily, he was a hard worker so he didn't take her financially.
I know someone who did exactly the same. It wasn't in London though, so this must happen quite a lot.