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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Mother and her "fiancee"

69 replies

Draculahhh · 18/10/2020 22:13

This will be a long one so apologies

So for a few years now my mum has kind of flitted from man to man. These men without exception have all been 30 years younger, not from this country and Muslim. They contact her through Facebook.

While she is seeing these men she is a full on Muslim convert, when she is single she "goes back to normal".

So the latest man she has been with for two months, he is 30, she is 60. He is also in this country illegally. So far, they have moved in together, she works like a dog to keep this person as obviously he isn't allowed to work. Oh and they are getting married as soon as they can.

I honestly feel like I am banging my head agaisnt a brick wall with her, this guy is his own red flag parade. She has basically shut myself and my siblings out of her life when we expressed our discomfort. She announced she wont even be seeing her grandchildren at Christmas because her boyfriend isn't welcome and she doesn't celebrate it anymore.

So my AIBU is, should I wash my hands of her or keep trying to get through to her before its too late.

OP posts:

nitsandwormsdodger · 19/10/2020 12:55

The men and age gap I would ignore as no one ever dumped a bf on the say so of others

Ignoring gc birthdays is inexcusable and good reason to go nc

Does she have house and money she could lose in divorce ?

Farle29 · 19/10/2020 13:08

Unfortunately it sounds like she is on some sort of watch list where when one has finished with her he advises his mates to get in contact as she is a sure thing. I've seen this happen before and no good will come of it. I would still report it though as he will try to marry her with fake ID. They now the flags and he will just say he is older than he is so it doesn't look too suspicious. If it then becomes a police or immigration issue, she may well get some support from agencies who comes across this kind of thing regularly and then she may realise she has been used. There are also sexual health issues to be considered and lots of older men and women are getting infected with all sorts because they believe they are in monogamous relationships

Cadent · 19/10/2020 13:11

Actually it sounds like your DM is exploiting these men just as much they are exploiting her.

A 60 yo having sex with a 30 yo is disgusting, ether the 60 is a man or a woman

Cadent · 19/10/2020 13:12

*whether

Original poster

Draculahhh · 19/10/2020 14:10

@nitsandwormsdodger

The men and age gap I would ignore as no one ever dumped a bf on the say so of others

Ignoring gc birthdays is inexcusable and good reason to go nc

Does she have house and money she could lose in divorce ?

I can honestly say she is skint, she has no significant savings that I am aware of and she rents her house. This is why I'm so baffled with it all, what can they possibly hope to get from her except a visa.

The last one was painfully honest with her that he was only in this country to make money to send home. He wanted kids, which my mother cant provide. She still threw herself into it and made plans to live with him.

OP posts:

Justifiedandquiteold · 19/10/2020 14:25

Report him OP. We have enough of our own home grown chancers and creeps here without illegal ones. Your mum sounds a bit tragic to be honest and she is still your mum. However, your kid's come first and I would step back and try and guard them from getting hurt by her selfishness.

Rafflesway · 19/10/2020 14:38

I would definitely go NC with your mother if for no other reason than she is an appalling role model for your dc. 😡

Also, all this ridiculous behaviour is causing you far too much stress.

If she refuses to see sense, believe me when I say she is no loss. (I have been NC with my "Mother" for 30 years - very different reason 😂 -
and they have been the best 30 years of my life. (The stress prior was unbearable.)

Newfornow · 19/10/2020 14:41

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Don’t cut her off, that is what he is hoping for.

cabingirl · 19/10/2020 14:49

The current laws mean that he shouldn't be able to get a visa using her from inside the country - he'd have to go home to apply and then his overstay would work against him. However, he might not know that and he might waste a lot of your mother's income trying to apply for the visa - they let you apply with the application fee which runs into thousands of pounds and then simply issue a denial.

I would stay in touch with your mother so that she isn't completely cut off from help if she needs it.

I know you don't want to spend time with him but there's value in the old saying "keep your enemies closer" - if he sees that your mother has an interested and watchful family he might realise he can't take too much advantage of her generosity.

Buddytheelf85 · 19/10/2020 15:20

But she’s being scammed isn’t she? It must be so frustrating but I would really find it difficult to desert my mum if she were falling prey to con artists. God knows what they might do next.

Cadent · 19/10/2020 15:31

Is she being scammed? The fact that she is 'flitting from man to man' and pretending to be Muslim whilst she with them and then back to non-Muslim when she isn't suggests that she knows very well what she's doing. She's basically providing room and board in return for sex, as OP says she has no money (thankfully in this case).

flaviaritt · 19/10/2020 15:31

All a bit grim, really. A 60 year old woman with a string of illegal immigrant boyfriends half her age isn’t necessarily the only person being exploited. How creepy.

Original poster

Draculahhh · 19/10/2020 15:35

@flaviaritt

All a bit grim, really. A 60 year old woman with a string of illegal immigrant boyfriends half her age isn’t necessarily the only person being exploited. How creepy.

I have said the same thing to her believe me, shes always been the same. Its just looking more and more rediculous as she gets older

OP posts:

VaggieMight · 19/10/2020 15:40

I think it's unlikely that your mum would be invited to Morocco where he would have to provide for her.

movingonup20 · 19/10/2020 15:44

If he's illegal, report him - she will be potentially prosecuted for helping an illegal immigrant. How far are you willing to go to bring her to her senses.

Ps she's not alone - exh's relative has married (and divorced) multiple immigrants on tourist visas over the past 20 years.

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 19/10/2020 16:03

It's not that easy to get a visa for a non-EU spouse. Especially one that has an expired visa. Does she earn over £16800 in a permanent job not including any overtime? People think,it's an easy process but it really isn't.

I don't know what you should do though. Just try and distance yourself from it all. She's being used although so is he really.

martysouth · 19/10/2020 17:10

I am sad for you OP.

I don't understand how this is possible though. Immigration laws have changed massively. First of all you can't marry an illegal immigrant. Secondly marriage by itself provides very few advantages to immigrants nowadays. He has to have large savings, a large independent income and to wait for several years AFTER the marriage to be allowed to stay. It's not the 1980s any more. Strange that he doesn't know that.

funnylittlefloozie · 19/10/2020 17:35

There is another option. Does your mum go to mosque when shes in a religious phase? Maybe you could have a word with the Imam or with a womens leader, and ask their advice.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/10/2020 21:06

@flaviaritt

All a bit grim, really. A 60 year old woman with a string of illegal immigrant boyfriends half her age isn’t necessarily the only person being exploited. How creepy.

This. I find the women who trawl around The Gambia, Turkey and other countries looking for young men almost as repulsive as the men doing it in Thailand. The financial imbalance makes it exploitative.

When I was in East Africa I frequented a bar where the white owner was very open about hiring young local barmen to attract older women. We thought it was disgusting.

It's not quite as revolting simply because there are other factors at play. But similar.

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