Two kids, single mum - new country, new job, losing my mind

[liska5]

Hello. Please don’t judge too harshly - I’m really trying very hard to do the best I can. But I just feel like I need some support. In July, I moved from London to Switzerland, for work. And I moved alone with my two boys, 4 and 12. Up until then, I was living with my husband, but we’ve been separated for a year and living in the same apartment for practicality and later because of the lockdown. We were co-parenting the kids (the older one is from my first husband). Even though we are separated, we keep it civil, we are not friends though. Anyway, he has now moved from London elsewhere as well.

In Switzerland, I for the first time started to live as a single mum. I have a great new job but a very demanding job and I still have to prove myself. If I lose it, that’s it - I don’t have a partner with a second pay check. I’m very aware of that. My kids are trying to fit in, it’s not easy for them either. The 12 year old is finding it very difficult to learn German and to make friends, and has started taking it out on me. He doesn’t want to join any after school clubs, I have to force him to do homework, he just wants to watch Netflix all day. He’s got screen time restrictions but I feel like the second I’m not looking, he’s watching TV or playing on his phone. He is not helping around the house, saying that he would rather be in the UK and why did I bring him here. His dad lives in Oxford and I did have a serious conversation with my son and asked if he would prefer to be with his father - he says no, he wants to be in Switzerland. But it’s constant arguments with him to try to get him to do anything at all - even when I organise activities, as much as possible with Covid, outside and we drive somewhere, he’s very negative and is constantly blaming me for everything. ‘Why did you drag me out of the house? I hate walking. I’m tired. Why are we here?’ And so on. He also criticises everything I do. I have a nice but small car, he’s saying why am I so cheap that I can’t get a better car. When I say it’s no way to talk to his mother, he just laughs and continues. But his words really really hurt.

The younger one is a complete opposite, an extravert who’s generally happy about everything. I try to spend time with him and his brother after work and on weekends but I also find myself often unable to focus on my kids. I’m 40, I’m single, in this new country where I don’t have a social circle and don’t know the language. Until a few weeks ago, I was so depressed I was crying every single day, thinking that I’m going to stay single for the rest of my life. I’ve tried talking to friends and therapists, and they suggest going to the gym, taking care of myself and so on. Friends suggest dating apps. I’ve tried but when I do go somewhere, I feel guilty that I’m not spending time with my kids. When I’m with my kids, I keep thinking that I’ll never meet anyone, I’m too old, I’ve got kids, it’s Covid and so on. Yes I know it’s negative thinking and I should stop but it’s easier said than done.

Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I should talk to my husband so that he considers that we live together and co-parent the kids, as it would at least take away the worry about my job and also help me spend more time with the kids. But then I think, but neither he nor me want to be a couple again so living together as a pretend family just for the kids will mean I’ll never be happy with a partner again. And he’s also said a few times that he’s certain I’ll fail on my own, that Switzerland is too expensive and I don’t know how to manage my money properly and I’ll just fail. I’ve been thinking to myself that I can do it, I can do it for myself and my kids, and I’ll show him that I can. But in reality, I’m worried about everything. That there’s only one pay check and no safety net, that I’m single and keep getting older, that I’m not spending enough time with the kids, that I’m not trying to heal myself either, that I am losing a connection with my pre-teen boy and his younger brother is seeing our arguments and is now starting to shout too... It’s not great at all. I am worried that I can’t cope and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared about writing here because I’m certain that some people will criticise me - but I’m really trying the best I can. Please don’t criticise, just don’t, I can’t take it right now. I’m constantly criticising myself and my choices already... thank you.

Can I also say that off the stress of being a single parent , the only one that really bugs me is the kids being unhappy
I wonder if that’s the same for you?

As most things can be managed but sad kids , not so easy

In the longer term it’s a fantastic place to be and live
I lived in the french alps for a while and I adored it

The only sensible tip I have is invest in 1:1 time with both kids
A walk here , a drive there , a shopping trip here
He wants to be with you and his sibling , he said that . But unfortunately you are the vessel for all his loneliness , confusion and sadness

Hang tight

I moved my DS back to his "home country" where he was born at 14. He didn't want to come back and leave his friends and the first year was really hard (even though he spoke the language). He had to culturally adapt to the language nuances, sense of humour, new school etc etc and this in a country that he returned to every summer.

I know your 12 year is trying at this stage but just understand where this is coming from and know that this too will past.

Involvement in a sports club or with other expat families will help initially. Having other expat families around you who understand what you're going through will help you too with some support for you.

It’s a tough time for your 12 year old. What did he enjoy doing in the UK? I think if he is happier your life would be much easier.

Switzerland is a much, much better country to raise children in than the UK OP. Give it time, focus on the challenges at hand (proving yourself at work, the 12 year old, forget dating for now). Your kids Standard of life will be much higher than in the UK. I moved from continental Europe to the UK for relationship which has broken down. I have family here so it's a bit different. Although i didn't have as much money, I enjoyed living in Europe so much more than the UK. You made the right decision OP !

Hi OP.
Not read all the replies but I moved my 2 boys across the uk 6 years ago and it took them time to settle.

Please know you are doing a great job- and don't be so hard on yourself. I struggled too with the move as I had no family, or support there. Sometimes we have to make hard choices for the best.

Your older son as @Fairybatman said is at a tricky age. He will be going through all sorts of things, plus his parents breakup and the move and language barrier on top.

I can only say deal with one issue at a time. Can you afford a language tutor at home to teach the boys (and you) German? It would help with the language side greatly.

Definitely try and get in touch with any ex pats on Facebook.

Don't give up yet. It does get better x

I think you’re nuts, sorry. Yes, on paper CH may be a better place for a family but your son doesn’t care about that right now.

How much time are you spending with your children if you are at work? They need the best German tuition you can get them, as well as some English speaking buddies. Your kids are in the middle of two of the most stressful life events ever, whilst also being a teenager. It’s going to be bloody difficult!

Does his dad live in Oxford or Belgium? You say both OP.

I know you are trying to make a better life for your family but moving country at 12 and not being able to speak the language must be incredibly difficult.

I would give yourself a target (say 6 months) and if things are not better move back to the U.K. or Canada.

Switzerland is a much better country currently than U.K. and long term prospects for the children are superior. 12 year old just needs some friends and perhaps let him watch Netflix in German/French as a compromise. It will take him a year or so to integrate. Congrats on your new job. You are doing amazingly well!

I can recommend the international women's group. It's a great way to build up a network in a new country and also gives you some support with settling in. Check them out :-)

I'd give your son time. He's 12, it's a massive change and he doesn't speak the language. It'll take time

Does his dad live in Oxford or Belgium? You say both OP

The 12 year old’s father lives in Oxford. He was OP’s first husband.

The 4 year old’s father, OP’s second husband, lives in Belgium.

I thought she made that quite clear.

Hi OP, my friend (a British expat) runs a network of after school English and cultural classes around Basel and has a son about your son's age. He attends a small international school in Basel centre - not sure what it costs but it's definitely not £60k! They had some issues with the state system, even though the son was born there and is fluent in German.

I don't know the relative distances but PM me if you'd like a contact - the English classes are subsidised by the local authority.

ah sorry to hear you are finding it difficult. it's a difficult setup and sometimes Switzerland can take a little bit of time to get used to it. I did it in reverse and honestly, I wish I was back in Switzerland even with the language problems etc. However, it is also a really cost-efficient country - yes, it is expensive but am assuming you are getting paid enough. Kids get used to stuff and the lifestyle is much better for them there than in the UK. And they will learn the language - 12 is totally not too late. Plus job prospects etc are amazing. So I would say - get your kids used to any outdoor activities and join local meetup groups for expats with families. There are lots around and they are full of lovely people!!

Covid/lockdowns are really hard but especially for anyone who recently moved. Its hard to meet new people just as you get told to avoid everyone. I would say that on average it might take you two/three years to really settle. Please learn the language and maybe even get your kids involved in teaching you ;-) They might love it.

Good luck!!! Settling into a new place is really hard.....but in this case, I actually think that the rewards are amazing!

I feel really sorry for your 12 year old. Why Switzerland? What was it about that country which made you think that was the best option? Because the kids don't speak the language, you don't speak the language, you have no social support... is it solely because this was where you get could a well paying job? Because if so, fair enough, but you need to realise that just because you think this was a good choice, your kids don't have to agree, and they don't have to play nice so that you feel better about it.

I can understand how the move has not affected your youngest child OP as they are a bit young yet and they can probably adapt to learning German easier.

I’m sorry OP but I think you have been selfish taking a job so far away and your Son can’t speak German. You mentioned that he didn’t want to live with his dad is this because your Son is closer to you?

When your a mum and a single mum sometimes you can’t always do the job you want because it doesn’t fit in with family life. I would of changed fields and took a lower paid job if needs be.

I’m not sure what to suggest but you need to sit down and talk to your DS.

I also wouldn’t rule coming back to UK. Ask your DS what he would like. At 12 I think your Son is entitled to a say.

also in terms of money worries...depending on your permit after a certain period of time even if you lose your job you will get Swiss unemployment benefit which is about 75% of your current salary. So really I'd much rather be in Switzerland with that level of social security where if you lose your job then you really will be poor.

I would say that for this year, you should focus on your job and the kids....I am not sure that you can really juggle dating etc alongside everything else. And yes it might take the eldest about a year to get used to the new place and language. But then they might come to love it and never want to leave ;-) And I say it as someone who had to move countries/language age 10 and 14....first year terrible but totally great after that.

Could your 12 year old go to live with your parents, other relatives, or friends in Canada? It would still be a strange country, but English would be the language of instruction.

It's much easier to learn a new language at 4 than 12. Also, Swiss schools are a bit more low key than English schools.

I did not realize your older son's father was in Oxford. Could he live with his father or friends during term time? It's a big shock to leave everything behind and have to attend school in a language you don't know. Adding early adolescence into the mix just makes it harder.

OP, don't be so hard on yourself. You just need to take it one step at a time. It takes time to settle in and learn a new language when you move. Concentrate on your job and getting the kids settled. Find and join the expat community. Don't think about dating at the moment and ignore what your DP says. You need to find a social circle, feel settled in your job and get the kids to settle in... Which will take some time and I am talking about months and upto two years. This is for the long haul. So prioritize your and your kids emotionally and social well being and the rest will fall into place

I think you are amazing. You clearly are a very strong woman but just having a wobble which is totally understandable. You have changed so much in a short period of time and this is unsettling.

I don’t have any practical advice but sending a virtual hug and some moral support. In time you will look back on this and think how hard it was but be proud of your achievements.

And for all those being harsh on here that is unfair

The OP has done amazing and is now reaching out for some help

so depressed I was crying every single day, thinking that I’m going to stay single for the rest of my life.

FGS you’ve only been single for 5 mins and you’re already trying to get a new willy into your life.

Be single for a while, get your family problems sorted out and build a social life, and maybe then start dating. The last thing your kids need is a mother with a roving eye who isn’t mentally or physically there for them.

Well done OP. You have really taken on a lot in a short space of time.

Switzerland is really tough going for the first year or so. Please persevere, it will be so worth it I promise. The first year was the hardest especially settling DC into schools. Where are you based? There are lots of expat mum's groups in and around Zürich and on both sides of the lake.

12 year olds will be miserable whatever you do but bite the bullet and you will get through this. His German will improve and schools in Zug and Zürich especially are used to many expat children with little to no German and will provide extra classes to help them adjust. There were points when I was especially homesick and thought we'd done the wrong thing in the first year but you will find friends I promise.

I completely understand you moving here, my salary quadrupled overnight and the standard of living here is unbelievable compared to the UK. Your children will be bilingual before you know it and when it comes to university in 6 years time it will be very cheap (less than £1k a year for Swiss residents) which will set your children up for life not saddled with debt.

You have to be here for 2 years to make the most of unemployment benefits should the worst happen but it will be 80% of your current salary capped at 120k CHF per year. Low crime, beautiful country, clean, safe, excellent education and healthcare. You are giving your children the best start in life even if they don't realise it yet. You can do this.

The Swiss aren't the most outgoing and warm people but once they realise you are serious and will put down roots here they will be friends for life. The Swiss have a lot to be proud of and rightly so. You need to contribute to society though, get involved in clubs, apéros, anything to meet people. Trust me it will make it so much easier.

With work. Be realistic on expectations, don't promise what you can't deliver, they really are a stickler for timelines and targets. Speak with management if you are struggling, that's OK. They would rather know upfront that be disappointed later. Speaking from experience!

Good luck. You can do this!

@unmarkedbythat

I feel really sorry for your 12 year old. Why Switzerland? What was it about that country which made you think that was the best option? Because the kids don't speak the language, you don't speak the language, you have no social support... is it solely because this was where you get could a well paying job? Because if so, fair enough, but you need to realise that just because you think this was a good choice, your kids don't have to agree, and they don't have to play nice so that you feel better about it.

Hells bells Unmarked - that is very harsh. She is clearly trying to create a better life for her and the children. That is difficult to do in the best of times and in the best of circumstances. Your point puts a very cynical motive on the op and is not at all fair to my mind.

You are giving your kids roots and wings op. You can do this.

Cheering for you

What a fab place

You have a good career now good wage
Get extra support for your kids and extra tutoring for German for your son

If still unhappy in a few years then re consider