Two kids, single mum - new country, new job, losing my mind

[liska5]

Hello. Please don’t judge too harshly - I’m really trying very hard to do the best I can. But I just feel like I need some support. In July, I moved from London to Switzerland, for work. And I moved alone with my two boys, 4 and 12. Up until then, I was living with my husband, but we’ve been separated for a year and living in the same apartment for practicality and later because of the lockdown. We were co-parenting the kids (the older one is from my first husband). Even though we are separated, we keep it civil, we are not friends though. Anyway, he has now moved from London elsewhere as well.

In Switzerland, I for the first time started to live as a single mum. I have a great new job but a very demanding job and I still have to prove myself. If I lose it, that’s it - I don’t have a partner with a second pay check. I’m very aware of that. My kids are trying to fit in, it’s not easy for them either. The 12 year old is finding it very difficult to learn German and to make friends, and has started taking it out on me. He doesn’t want to join any after school clubs, I have to force him to do homework, he just wants to watch Netflix all day. He’s got screen time restrictions but I feel like the second I’m not looking, he’s watching TV or playing on his phone. He is not helping around the house, saying that he would rather be in the UK and why did I bring him here. His dad lives in Oxford and I did have a serious conversation with my son and asked if he would prefer to be with his father - he says no, he wants to be in Switzerland. But it’s constant arguments with him to try to get him to do anything at all - even when I organise activities, as much as possible with Covid, outside and we drive somewhere, he’s very negative and is constantly blaming me for everything. ‘Why did you drag me out of the house? I hate walking. I’m tired. Why are we here?’ And so on. He also criticises everything I do. I have a nice but small car, he’s saying why am I so cheap that I can’t get a better car. When I say it’s no way to talk to his mother, he just laughs and continues. But his words really really hurt.

The younger one is a complete opposite, an extravert who’s generally happy about everything. I try to spend time with him and his brother after work and on weekends but I also find myself often unable to focus on my kids. I’m 40, I’m single, in this new country where I don’t have a social circle and don’t know the language. Until a few weeks ago, I was so depressed I was crying every single day, thinking that I’m going to stay single for the rest of my life. I’ve tried talking to friends and therapists, and they suggest going to the gym, taking care of myself and so on. Friends suggest dating apps. I’ve tried but when I do go somewhere, I feel guilty that I’m not spending time with my kids. When I’m with my kids, I keep thinking that I’ll never meet anyone, I’m too old, I’ve got kids, it’s Covid and so on. Yes I know it’s negative thinking and I should stop but it’s easier said than done.

Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I should talk to my husband so that he considers that we live together and co-parent the kids, as it would at least take away the worry about my job and also help me spend more time with the kids. But then I think, but neither he nor me want to be a couple again so living together as a pretend family just for the kids will mean I’ll never be happy with a partner again. And he’s also said a few times that he’s certain I’ll fail on my own, that Switzerland is too expensive and I don’t know how to manage my money properly and I’ll just fail. I’ve been thinking to myself that I can do it, I can do it for myself and my kids, and I’ll show him that I can. But in reality, I’m worried about everything. That there’s only one pay check and no safety net, that I’m single and keep getting older, that I’m not spending enough time with the kids, that I’m not trying to heal myself either, that I am losing a connection with my pre-teen boy and his younger brother is seeing our arguments and is now starting to shout too... It’s not great at all. I am worried that I can’t cope and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared about writing here because I’m certain that some people will criticise me - but I’m really trying the best I can. Please don’t criticise, just don’t, I can’t take it right now. I’m constantly criticising myself and my choices already... thank you.

In all honesty, OP, I'm not surprised that your 12yo is reacting badly. If he doesn't speak German, the educational curriculum and social side is completely inaccessible to him. I'd imagine that he doesn’t want to join any after school clubs or do homework because it's all in German. He's watching Netflix because that's how he can switch off (presumably all the shows are in English.) I keep thinking your 12 year old must be under a lot of stress at the moment. I wouldn't want to work full time and try to make friends in a language I didn't speak. He can't even interact with the other children on an equal footing - he must feel so isolated.

Given that you've said that an international school isn't an option, and you don't want to return to the UK as a family, my honest advice would be to look at returning him to the UK alone, either to his father in Oxford, or to a state boarding school. You could alternatively look at moving to Canada as a family.

There is some good advice on here about accessing English speaking activities in Switzerland - but I honestly think you are asking too much of your son to undertake this move at secondary level.

Oh bless you. Emigrating is bloody hard work and the first six months can be just appalling. The same for your eldest as much as for you. Adding Covid into the mix just seems a nightmare.

Are you somewhere with a decent expat community? In those early days reaching out to people who know the ropes, know homesickness etc can be a massive help.

Is your boy getting extra help to learn German?

I’m in a similar boat, OP. I’m not going to go into more detail because this thread is about you and anyway I should be asleep.

I think the priority is to get the 12 year old as much help with language and integration as possible. Speak to the school and also look for outside support with this. You might find a bilingual state school if you are lucky. German is really really hard for English speakers to learn.

Put any thoughts of dating aside for now. Your kids need you every second you are not at work. You can read/watch tv/run etc when they are asleep. Sad fact of a single parent. Let the au pair do the household jobs whilst you engage with the kids.

Agree on a time frame. Tell the 12 year old you are prepared to give it a try for eg 2 years. Listen to him. In 6 years he will be doing his own thing and you won’t have to compromise with him anymore. For now, it’s your obligation as a parent to involve his welfare in your decision making.

Good luck.

Hi Op. I'm an expat living in Switzerland. We live not too far away from Zurich in the canton of Zug. I have a 10yr old son who is learning German at the moment. Back to school (yay) tomorrow after two weeks off. I understand the feelings your going through. If you fancy meeting up for a coffee sometime, drop me a PM. Don't feel alone. Today we went on a short hike which didn't cost us anything with having the Swiss Pass, just took some snacks and a hot flask of hot chocolate now it's getting nippy (being all too aware of costs here) and it was lovely climbing up Zugerberg. I'm actually from Cheshire in the UK. Honestly, it'd be good to hookup and perhaps for our boys too. Keep smiling. 💐

Anyone suggesting moving again, as a solution clearly has clearly never emigrated. For op to drop a well paid job to return to the U.K. where she has neither support, job or home would be insanity.

The first couple of years are incredibly tough. Give it time. You will all adjust. Single parenting is hard enough to but what an achievement, to move with two children to another country! Good for you. In terms of practical suggestions, check out the international schools again, do they have a bursary? Or scholarships? Would they be able to offer a discount on fees? Is there any way you could make it work with Grandparents contributing perhaps?

Regarding the move, I think you made the right decision. A good job with good pay are a rare combination - at least for me - so I would say don't even consider moving back to the UK. Whatever solutions you look at should be those that help you to settle in the new country. It's great that you have an au pair already. Regarding the pre-teen ds, how about talking to him and explain that his behaviour is hurtful to you. Most children might act out but they wouldn't intentionally want to hurt their parents. You can then talk about trying to find solutions for his school situation.

I'm assuming he is being taught in German? If he is that would be terrible for him. I wouldnt want to go to school either. Time to look at work rounds for him- intensive language classes, perhaps some home schooling? Would your company not help with international school? Usually part of the package in these moves

Another though is a uk boarding school. I live in NI and theres a really reasonable boarding school as things tend to cost less in NI. It's great school and 15k year fees so much more affordable than some others.
www.campbellcollege.co.uk/prospective-parents/fees-scholarships bursaries/fees
www.telegraph.co.uk/education-and-careers/0/ten-best-value-boarding-schools-uk-2020/

www.campbellcollege.co.uk/prospective-parents/fees-scholarships-bursaries/fees

OP, I can’t decide if I think you’re brave or nuts!!

Could your son move to live with his dad until the summer, and undertake intensive German lessons while he’s there? That way he’ll be much more comfortable with the language when it comes to returning to school in Switzerland.

I think the language issue is a really big thing for your DS. If you can't afford an international school then you should get a private language tutor to get him fluent as quickly as possible.

Seems to me you need to compartmentalise a bit - break this down to bite sized pieces.
I am in a comparable boat btw, new country (4rd week), new language but not single. 12 year old WAS not doing so well but vast improvement now. Talk to your son. He will be be grieving right now - the loss of your dp, the breakdown of the family, the loss of his home, the loss of his life, and the loss of the furture he planned.
Very often with children simply acknowledging (without fixing) can be an enormous help. It might also be a good idea to acknowledge that you understand reasons for his anger/confusion/disappointment - you could tell him you have it too! Many bite sized conversations about all of that could be a relief to him. Sounds to me like he needs to cry.
Have Brit nights - movie, fish n' chips etc. Put him in charge of the Exploring Club - get him to plan half days out for Saturdays or Sundays and give him a budget. Tell him funny stories of your mistakes in language or trying to understand people durning the day and ask for his.We did more or less this with dd and it is working. it was a HUGE relief to her that she was understood. Once she felt that she started to concede to it a bit and does the exploring club very well. We also joined a family cycle cluband that is turning out very well too actually (leave 4 year old at home!).

Break this down FOR YOURSELF.
You have shown incredible courage and fortitude. You will come through with flying colors. So will ds. So for now put your guilt in the corner, to hell with ex and his nonsense, and small bit by small bit this will fall into place.
I think you are marvelous.

@liska5 it sounds like you were really trying to make a better life for your family, but things are very hard with so much loss for your son (Dad # 1 and 2, family unit, school, friends, country).

I think this is a time to scale back and really focus on your family's well-being. This is 100000% not the time to date, but to put your dc first and get healthy family life back.

Instead of thinking of your son as difficult, look at it by how much he's lost recently. It's huge and at a very hard age imho. The most important thing right now is his language acquisition and bringing harmony back to family life. Here are a few suggestions

have the au pair watch 4 year old and do something fun one to one with son each weekend
try to find other English speaking families with dc his age so he has some friends
make something fun each week as a family like family games night or family movie night. He may feel he's lost his family so you need to create new norms.
Try to ensure a visit with Dad 2/Stepdad so there's some normality there. Perhaps he can visit as he's in Belgium.
Make sure he and Dad in Oxford are connecting.
Maybe do a fun day out, somewhere he'd think is cool/special
Make weekends and home a sanctuary from all the change and demands of work/school. Not just mindlessly scrolling Netflix, but proper time together, time outside, exploring new country, new memories made with the 3 of you.
If he doesn't settle at school (and only if) see if there are English speaking schools that have bursaries.
When covid is better, plan a trip back to UK as a family.
Speak to your parents in Canada, see if you can plan a visit next summer, may be good for him, good for you and something to look forward to.

It is so hard doing it on your own. This will get better, but it may take really working hard to connect with your son, acknowledge his losses and help him with integration before there's any big changes.

let us know how things are.

It takes courage to do what you've done. I'd love to move abroad with my DD especially to mainland Europe but am not qualified.
Agree with point above but do give DS12 time and space to process everything.

I think you should stick it out too.
Agree that your first priority is getting your older one more settled and learning the language.
Break it all down and stop panicking about the future, natural though that is when you're all upended.
I think you're brave too. Moving back might be an option one day but certainly not at this point! What you're all feeling is natural.
Give your oldest lots of love but equally be firm and dont tolerate any rudeness.
Really hope it works out.

Hang on in there OP!!!! You sound a lovely, smart and strong woman but also caring in that you care for the impact this change has had on your son. I think it will work out of you stay strong, but it will take time. Your career prospects sounds great and in the long term you'll all have a better life. I say stick it out! I have never moved countries but have moved to various parts of the UK and have even struggled with that so I think your feelings are natural nevermind with a 12 year old lad. Can you both work on the language together? Lots of outings where you're both asking for things in the language. Can the au pair help with that too? Excellent suggestions on here to meet with other kids and find ex pat Facebook groups etc. I think that would really help your boy. I say stick it out but I wouldn't bother dating just yet though and stay strong. You've got this!

Forget daring. You’ve only been there since July so give yourself a break. The last thing your kids need right now is you bringing home random blokes! Are you close to your parents? Could you consider a move to Canada to get family support plus the schools would speak the language for your kids. I really think they’d be happier there. Your poor 12 year old! You really need to put him in an international school. It’s not fair on him all this change. He’s going to end up depressed if you’re not careful. He needs a friendship group. Have your work colleagues got similar age children? Put an email round your entire company. All of them. Say you’ve just moved with a 12 year old who needs English speaking friends. Then host a play date for him every Saturday afternoon. It’s the least you can do for him.

OP, I think you are wonderful. What an opportunity you’ve given your children. They’ll pick up the language in no time. And congratulations on your job. Other people have given you excellent ideas re expat groups, and I would also say (as someone who moved to the ME at 50 to start a full-on job) take advantage of any networking opportunities through work. It’s hard to walk into a room when you don’t know anyone, but there will be others in your situation.

Your oldest son just needs to find one friend initially, and his life will change.

You’ve made a big life change for all the right reasons. Well done you.

Before anyone else says put the boy in International School - please be aware these private English speaking Swiss schools now have annual fees in the region of £60,000 - due partly to the increasing weakness of £ and strength of SFR (although OP no doubt paid in SFR).

OP, I work in Switzerland. It’s a great country for families and well done for getting out of the gloom of the UK. This is a difficult time for you: your older DC has not integrated yet, but he will. Stick with your decision and in two years you will be glad you did. Look out for expat groups: the Swiss Germans can be a bit insular, but there are loads of English-speaking expats. The comments from your DS about the car are I am afraid a sign of the materialistic expectations that many kids have in Switzerland, but stand firm and remember that 12 year olds are difficult everywhere. Don’t give up and leave. Stick it out.

I feel terribly sorry for your son. That would have been my worst nightmare at 12 mine are similar age now and can’t imagine uprooting them to a different country with a language barrier. If you have no choice but to go due to work he needs to be helped to make the best of it I suppose. Shame the kids aren’t younger and more adaptable.

Hi OP, firstly congratulations on your new job! I have a slightly different perspective to share. I moved from the UK to Argentina when I was 12/13 with my family. No marriage breakdown but my Mum stayed behind to sell the house with the plan to join us later. I went just with my Dad. I can’t lie, it was so hard. I went to an international school but only a few children and few teachers spoke English! I felt very lonely and isolated and it was quite a dark time. The happiest memories that time I have from that time are when I spent time with my Dad and we went to see the country and explore. It didn’t last long, 6 months ish but now when I think of that time I truly wish I had stuck it out longer and tried to make a better go of it. I would be fluent in another language and have seen so much of the world! But hindsight is 20.20 and then all I wanted to do was mess around with friends. I think you could make this work but it will be hard and I’m sure there will be some tears. My advice would be to make sure that your home is a home and you are rock solid and totally available for your kids. Plan some memories although I know it’s hard with Covid. Be a sympathetic ear when they complain and try not to take it as a criticism of your choice to move. All the best OP.

Hi OP,

I just thought I'd join in to give you another perspective of someone who has been through similar.

I am also a single mum to 2 and I moved from the UK to Germany when they were 9 and 4... so slightly younger, however still comparable. No involvement from their dad though.

My children spoke zero German when we got here and especially the older one found it extremely hard, not helped by the fact that we spent the first 12 months in rural East Germany where no one entertained her English nor helped her learn German.

I think the culture shock would have been comparable to coming from UK to Switzerland due to the similarities language and general societal standards/expectations.

We definitely considered moving back to the UK during the first 6-12 months.

All I wanted to say is, STAY !
It will get better.
Your kids will adjust.

We are now 7 years on from where you are and all 3 of us are SO glad we made the move when we did for various reasons.

Are your sons getting extra language tuition at school ? They should !

And make use of the fantastic healthcare on offer... get treatment and advice for your low mood (Hausarzt first port of call) and perhaps consider counselling (Gesprächstherapie, Verhaltenstherapie or Familientherapie) by a psychologist or Ambulanz (outpatient).

Your kids have experienced trauma and are looking to you to show them how to deal with their new and strange surroundings... so carry yourself with confidence and decisiveness and take action in accessing support where needed.
This will be a steep learning curve for you all but it can significantly strengthen your bond if you stick together and pull through.

There are plenty of resources available if you know where to look. And if you don't, ASK !

All the best and you're doing a tremendous job !

Harried Harriet writes a lot of sense. We moved to southern Germany when I was nearly 10. I remember being devastated, didn't want to learn German and was probably quite hard work. 3 1/2 years later I sobbed at having to come back to the UK. We weren't in a German school, but a European one, so mainly taught in English but had lots of German friends. My Dad says we spoke no German for s year and then suddenly were pretty fluent. I now consider Germany my other home, have a degree in languages and teach German.
12 is hard wherever you are. Keep on keeping on. Tell them you are not going home and stick to it. Remind him that you would have less money in the uk because you wouldn't have a comparable job.
Explore. Ski. Walk. Meet people. He will have to come along and will slowly come round. This is an amazing opportunity, but he won't appreciate it for a long time. Just keep supporting and listening without condoning the behaviour. Be kind to yourself and take up the offer upthread of meeting up. Good luck. You are doing an amazing thing. X