Two kids, single mum - new country, new job, losing my mind

[liska5]

Hello. Please don’t judge too harshly - I’m really trying very hard to do the best I can. But I just feel like I need some support. In July, I moved from London to Switzerland, for work. And I moved alone with my two boys, 4 and 12. Up until then, I was living with my husband, but we’ve been separated for a year and living in the same apartment for practicality and later because of the lockdown. We were co-parenting the kids (the older one is from my first husband). Even though we are separated, we keep it civil, we are not friends though. Anyway, he has now moved from London elsewhere as well.

In Switzerland, I for the first time started to live as a single mum. I have a great new job but a very demanding job and I still have to prove myself. If I lose it, that’s it - I don’t have a partner with a second pay check. I’m very aware of that. My kids are trying to fit in, it’s not easy for them either. The 12 year old is finding it very difficult to learn German and to make friends, and has started taking it out on me. He doesn’t want to join any after school clubs, I have to force him to do homework, he just wants to watch Netflix all day. He’s got screen time restrictions but I feel like the second I’m not looking, he’s watching TV or playing on his phone. He is not helping around the house, saying that he would rather be in the UK and why did I bring him here. His dad lives in Oxford and I did have a serious conversation with my son and asked if he would prefer to be with his father - he says no, he wants to be in Switzerland. But it’s constant arguments with him to try to get him to do anything at all - even when I organise activities, as much as possible with Covid, outside and we drive somewhere, he’s very negative and is constantly blaming me for everything. ‘Why did you drag me out of the house? I hate walking. I’m tired. Why are we here?’ And so on. He also criticises everything I do. I have a nice but small car, he’s saying why am I so cheap that I can’t get a better car. When I say it’s no way to talk to his mother, he just laughs and continues. But his words really really hurt.

The younger one is a complete opposite, an extravert who’s generally happy about everything. I try to spend time with him and his brother after work and on weekends but I also find myself often unable to focus on my kids. I’m 40, I’m single, in this new country where I don’t have a social circle and don’t know the language. Until a few weeks ago, I was so depressed I was crying every single day, thinking that I’m going to stay single for the rest of my life. I’ve tried talking to friends and therapists, and they suggest going to the gym, taking care of myself and so on. Friends suggest dating apps. I’ve tried but when I do go somewhere, I feel guilty that I’m not spending time with my kids. When I’m with my kids, I keep thinking that I’ll never meet anyone, I’m too old, I’ve got kids, it’s Covid and so on. Yes I know it’s negative thinking and I should stop but it’s easier said than done.

Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I should talk to my husband so that he considers that we live together and co-parent the kids, as it would at least take away the worry about my job and also help me spend more time with the kids. But then I think, but neither he nor me want to be a couple again so living together as a pretend family just for the kids will mean I’ll never be happy with a partner again. And he’s also said a few times that he’s certain I’ll fail on my own, that Switzerland is too expensive and I don’t know how to manage my money properly and I’ll just fail. I’ve been thinking to myself that I can do it, I can do it for myself and my kids, and I’ll show him that I can. But in reality, I’m worried about everything. That there’s only one pay check and no safety net, that I’m single and keep getting older, that I’m not spending enough time with the kids, that I’m not trying to heal myself either, that I am losing a connection with my pre-teen boy and his younger brother is seeing our arguments and is now starting to shout too... It’s not great at all. I am worried that I can’t cope and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared about writing here because I’m certain that some people will criticise me - but I’m really trying the best I can. Please don’t criticise, just don’t, I can’t take it right now. I’m constantly criticising myself and my choices already... thank you.

Well
You are bloody superwoman,if anyone was superwoman it’s you
You are amazing op
a new job ,in a new country,living your best life ,not staying in a relationship just because ,but getting out of a bad one ,and putting your kids first ,bloody hell ,your parents must be so dam proud of you .
What a fantastic example you are setting to your boys .
Just keep going ,one foot in front of the other ,you have done all the hard bits now ,
It’s plain sailing now ,all that is left to do is just enjoy your life xx

You've been there only a few months. Of course it feels shit at the moment and you've not settled in yet.

It will take time.

I speak from experience.

I have never been to Switzerland but have heard it is a lovely country and you are giving your children the opportunity of a lifetime to experience other places and opportunities and to become fluent in another language.

They will look back when they're older and thank you for it, I promise.

OP I live in another country to my birth country too, I know it is difficult. You are doing the best you can for your family. If you got a better chance their, you need to take it. It is a good opportunity for your children too. Learning a language in the native country is as good as a degree on it, possibilities of working as a translator and so on. Try to make your sons to see this. Sure it is tough at the beginning, but it is a good chance for them too.
Regarding your ex, do not live with him. That will not be of sny good. And yes, you can manage your money and life!
Work on your children, settleling in the country (try meeting with other UK citizens that live their, this will help), and yourself. A partner will come later in life. When you are healed and settle.

I can't help.from the single parent side if things, but I moved to another country when I was 14 and didn't really speak the language. I went to a normal school and was just expected to get on with it. It was hard, but the kids were generally nice and some of them enjoyed trying their English on me, so until I learned more of the language, we Jin of managed to communicate. But what really saved me was there were a couple of other English speaking families with kids of similar ages and we'd meet up with them every few weeks or so, and it was really nice just to be able to talk normally in English, especially in the early years when I was still.learning.

I echo some of the other PPs and think trying to find some other english speaking families or kids of his age he can chat to might really help him settle in while he's still earnimg the language. It's quite scary being in school when you don't really understand what's going on.

Definitely leave the dating side for now, and maybe work on meeting people you can socialise with, preferably as a family and that will help all of you feel.a bit more settled

On the plus side, I stayed in that country for nearly 10 years, I finished school and uni and speak the language fluently and I'm grateful now that I was given that opportunity (although I didn't always see it at the time!!). Good luck!

You are brave to have done what you did. Life as a single mother with no support system is not easy. Life in a foreign country is not easy. Life with a pre-teener is incredibly difficult.

I raised two as a single parent. I would suggest you sit down with the older one and have an adult talk. Tell him the truth -- about the move for more money, about his stepdad moving to Belgium and not intending to join you, about your need for him to set an example for his younger brother.
Also, take him to the store with you when you are shopping. He will pick up the language faster in life than in the classroom and you can use that time to bond. Ask him to find some weekend activities for the family to do. Involve him and give him some responsibility.
Maybe find an English speaking church where there will be kids he can communicate with?

Hi OP,
What about a state boarding school in the UK for your 12 year old? I think you only pay the boarding costs and not the academic side of things.
Take care of yourself. You sound amazing to me.

I know Switzerland and I do not think they are over friendly to foreigners. Geneva area is probably better for expats than Zurich. There will be some International Women's groups - try to join that and met some expat friends. Regarding your eldest try to get him to take up ski-ing when the season starts - his school will do that and hopefully the sport will help him turn the corner. You can't have everything but you might meet a nice man - but this is not your priority at the moment - is it? Forty is still fairly young.

Hey OP
I’m also a
Single parent , working FT , and my 12 year old is similar to yours
Also work Long hours

It’s very very hard
And - I’m in my home town

So Jesus no wonder you are finding it hard
I’m on sertraline and despite that I have meltdown days
It’s HARD
Just try and get some sanity time to
Yourself
And don’t worry about meeting someone . That’s a whole stress you don’t need
Look after yourself , kids and work
That’s enough

Sending lots of

You’ve uprooted their whole lives. At 12, this would be so unsettling. It all sounds a right old mess

I think you are a hero and hope I would be brave enough to do what you have done, if I were in your situation. It will be a great opportunity for you and your children in the longer run.

Moving internationally is tough with or without a partner (nevermind adding covid into the mix). You have only been in Switzerland for a few months and it is a steep learning curve culturally. It is a great place for children to live with safety and independence for them but will be completely different from what they have experienced in the UK.
Depending on where you are in the German-speaking area there are a lot of activities available in English for your 12yr old. As recommended before, have a look at the international mothers in Switzerland FB page it has lots of useful advice and there will certainly be people who will have been in your situation.
Hang on in there, it's tough in the beginning but worth sticking with.

Firstly you are very brave to have done what you have done. You are stronger than you think! Just a thought - would your boys be happier in a country where the main language is english? You said your parents are canadian? Do you have a duel passport - maybe you could look for jobs there and move nearer to your family and have some support? I remember having to move in the second year of secondary school because my dad got promoted and he had to move for work. Even though we moved forty miles away I found it really hard to start a new school at that age. I was so angry that I had to leave all my friends behind in a school I loved. To be honest it took me at least 9 months to get used to it and I wasn't in another country.

Wow - it sounds like you are doing an amazing job juggling everything. It also sounds like you have a great job opportunity. Give yourself a break, concentrate on the day to day stuff, at 40 you are 'young'!! You've only just moved, give your 12 year old time and he'll fit right in.

RE: losing your job, at least you will get RAV for 400 days, which is a lot more than you would get in the UK (can't remember what the qualification period is).

I think schools help out kids that can't speak German, it will take time, but eventually he will be in a great position.

I really think your kids will have a much better future in Switzerland in the coming years, I really would try to stick it out.

OP, be kind to yourself, of course it’s hard. You just moved there in July.

Is your son getting extra tutoring in German?

Well done on the great job, it will take time for your 12 year old to settle, just keep talking to him and in time he will come around.

Try and find groups that speak the english language, ask your work colleagues about any ideas on helping your child, would your employer be willing to pay some of the fees in the international school, try and make learning German fun, make lots of mistakes so your son can see you struggle too with the language.

Stick it out and it will improve, keep us updated. I admire your courage and bravery, you are doing a great job with your two children.

Could you see out the year out and then use the experience to get a job in Canada near to your parents? Is it an English speaking part? That would make it easier for your sons.

I think it’s an extremely tall order to move kids whose parents have just divorced to a new country where they don’t speak the language. 12-15 is a hard age anyway but he has a lot going on.

I really wish you every success. Nobody gets parenting or life decisions right all the time.

Give it time. I moved my two to a second language environment and even with international school they dug their heels in for a good six months. Join FB groups, find English speaking families to interact with - and don't panic. You haven't ruined your older boy or his life. Give it time. The pandemic is definitely not helping.

OP you are doing great, seriously. It takes a while to settle down somewhere new even if you don't add in the difficult tweenager and language issues. You have a good job which is going to move you on professionally, you have an au pair to help with your little one. Don't worry about dating yet, get yourself settled in, let your older DS have a bit more freedom, the age difference will make it difficult to do things that both boys will enjoy, perhaps try and allow him to remain at home when you take the little one out to do something and if possible arrange for the au pair to have the little one and do something with the older one alone. Concentrate on making friends and settling in. Your older DS is at a difficult age anyway so would likely have been acting the same regardless of where you lived shortly. He will make friends but these things take time. Never expect to settle in anywhere in less than a year (I've moved a fair bit throughout my life). Also, ignore your ex undermining your confidence. You can and will be able to look after your boys alone and pay your bills especially since you have managed to obtain a great new jobs and orchestrate a move to a foreign country in the middle of a global pandemic. It sounds like he is pissed off that you aren't crying over him and you have proved you don't need him.

I think you are amazing

Single mum here
I rely on help from my family a lot
I relocated after fleeing severe abuse

What I would say is you are in an amazing country !
Great opportunities
With time it will improve
Your son will reap the rewards

What is possible to make life easier ?
Extra tutoring !?
More me time for you?

Honestly the people suggesting a move back seem to have missed wha you have achieved on your own. You are amazing. I moved abroad and back with children and a husband and we found it hard and when we came back with older children we went through the why did you move me here tantrums. I realised that children are just like adults unsurprisingly, who knew and his vocalisation is exactly the same as what you are going through only he has his Mum. I started saying, I know you are finding it hard, it is shit at the minute but you will make friends and I will become easier and giving them a hug until they didn't want a hug, I even admitted missing our home as well, but the reality that we couldn't go back. Then not engage in the argument. Keep calm (and trust me for a while they will keep pushing and upping the anti, for some time but the more I tuned out and refused to react the easier it became. I once kept talking about what they wanted for dinner and a tin flew past my head! This was the worst it ever was and after this episode it was so much easier he told me he felt so angry he wanted me to be angry.
You need to concentrate on making a home. Put future partners on hold this is a displacement activity, you will find someone.
Look on social media for expat groups, I know a fair few people in Zurich and Geneva from the UK and considering a move there as well next year.
the first 6 months are hard then you find your feet a bit and you should give yourself a bit more time due to a small thing like the pandemic.

Sorry to hear you're finding it rough. I have experience of working abroad and know it can be lonely. Agree with trying to find some expat friends for you and the 12yo.
and for you and try to enjoy the little things.

You talked a lot about trying dating and your sadness about being alone.

Speaking as a fellow single and lone parent, you really need to stop focussing on that.

You've made a huge move, it was brave and hopefully will pay off. If you want it to work, you need to make some time to build it alone, and to spend it with both your DCs but especially your eldest, who has just had a SECOND father figure leave his life, needs some time to be your focus, especially as he goes through teen years and as you work a lot. There will be time later.

Well done on stepping outside your comfort zone into a whole new world! I think when you do something like this you need to give it at least a year to find out if it's the right decision.

Not easy for your sons, especially for the older one and this will take a lot of love and patience on your part, but will be worth it in the end.

Others have picked up on your NEED for a partner, why is this so very important to you? You have had relationships break down with the fathers if both your sons, yet csnt wait to find another man. Why not let yourself just be you for a while? Learn to trust and love yourself and appreciate your value as a human being, you dont need a partner to make you worthwhile.

The comment your ex made about your financial management skills was nasty, but I wonder if its rooted in a fear you may have yourself? If so, it's not difficult to get yourself fiscally educated enough that you can feel confident about your situation. People here can steer you in the right direction if needs be. Once you're on top of this, sharing your situation & making it clear you are comfortable may help your elder son feel that there is stability in his life? I wonder if the 'What if it all goes wrong' mindset suggested by your posts has affected him.

But dont let anyone's criticism of you push you into giving up. This is your life, not theirs.

I lived in Switzerland (French speaking part) for a couple of years with younger children than yours but also with a DH. I thought it was a great country in terms of quality of life, especially for the children, but I can imagine that it will be hard for your older child to fit in with a new school system and language to learn. I found it harder to get to know local people although contacts made through school (my children went to the local school) definitely made things easier. If you can persevere, however, I suspect that you may find that it is a more secure option for the future than the UK for you and your children (especially now with Covid).

From a financial point of view, especially as you are on your own, I think you need to look carefully at the medical insurance issue. We had good insurance and no major illnesses while we were there but still found the constant juggling of claims and excesses etc quite difficult to manage, even with 1.5 reasonably good salaries, and it was one of the reasons we came home. (Costs of accommodation being another.) Wages are much higher in Switzerland but some costs are much higher too. On the other hand, and I hope it won't be relevant to you, the unemployment system (and access to training for unemployed people) is generous once you have been working for a certain length of time so you have a much better safety net there than in the UK in that regard. You will also probably end up with much better pension provision than you would have in the UK, although you may also find yourself paying rent or a mortgage for ever!

You haven't been there that long yet, and things are not normal due to Covid, so I would give it more time and, as other posters have suggested, find your local "ex-pat" support group(s) online. We had one locally and it provided English-speaking contacts for company for me and the children as well as info on local activities we could enjoy, including English language ones, and a way of picking up hints and tips about living in the area. (Even though I spoke French and the kids picked up French quickly, it was nice to be able to meet English-speakers sometimes.)