Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To find what my daughter said tonight heartbreaking

71 replies

AutumnLeaves29 · 18/10/2020 19:34

DD is 6.5 and has never met her dad (his decision). Tonight she told me that she wanted me to get married, so she could have a new dad. I calmly explained that even if I did get married, that it wouldn't automatically make that person her dad, and that she does have a dad, she just doesn't see him. She replied that she doesn't want her dad, she wants one who will play with her and throw her on the sofa (my brothers do this with her). DD wasn't upset and is happily snuggled up in bed now, but my tears are flowing. :(

OP posts:

Emmapeeler2 · 18/10/2020 19:40

OP. One of my very good friends has never met her Dad (his choice). She is one of the most well balanced, content people I know. She is very matter of fact about it and appears to have no hidden issues about it at all. She leads a very happy life with lots of friends and family so I just wanted to tell you not to worry or beat yourself up as your DD sounds surrounded by people who love her so will too.

When my DD was 6.5 she told me she wanted a sister (she has a brother). It broke my heart because I wanted that too and it wasn't going to happen. She never mentioned it again and now wants a dog.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/10/2020 19:42

Whilst (unfortunately) most men can become a father, the word "dad" could and should apply to any man you bring into your family who earns it. And they earn it by being exactly who dd has in mind.

If the subject comes up again, it could be worth talking about this. She has a father. He isn't a dad.

TikTakTikTak · 18/10/2020 19:44

She's probably comparing her family to that of her friends and noticing it's different.

She's a lucky girl to have your brothers and will probably come to realise that she has good male role models when she's older.

gluteustothemaximus · 18/10/2020 19:44

I calmly explained that even if I did get married, that it wouldn't automatically make that person her dad

I hate to disagree in your state of sadness and upset, but it can and could be her Dad. A Dad is so much more than biology. He's the one who is there for her. The one who reads to her, plays with her, cuddles her and does all the things a good biological dad does.

Our family, DH isn't DS1's Dad biologically, but he is his Dad. Always will be

2020hasbeenbloodyawful · 18/10/2020 20:10

Poor her, OP and poor you.

As hard as it is to see, you'll be more upset at this than she is. Especially at only six. She sounds like she has a fab Mum and a great family around her.

In the years to come, that will mean far more than some twatty sperm donor.

Original poster

AutumnLeaves29 · 18/10/2020 20:19

Thank you everyone, lovely replies. I've not dated since having her as I can't bear the thought of her getting attached to someone and then they leave. I loved reading the "dad" comments. Maybe one day, when I let my guard down, we will find that.

OP posts:

Offtothedogs · 18/10/2020 20:22

My husband is Dad to a young adult who he isn't biologically related to, but he is her dad in every way that matters. It won't necessarily happen that way for you but it is possible.

aprilanne · 18/10/2020 20:29

Oh bless her but if you ever did get married and the man was a good loving father then yes he would be her dad .my eldest granddaughter is not biological ours but the minute she toddler into our lives that was it she was ours she knows about her first dad but is so well loved and adored doesn't seem to mind .she knows her place as our eldest child grandchild she knows we all love her and her sister the same
That would be the most important part for her

SarahAndQuack · 18/10/2020 20:29

She sounds a sensible little girl. It's a tribute to you that she has such a clear understanding of relationships, I think, that she knows a dad would have to be someone who would act like a caring parent.

MJMG2015 · 18/10/2020 20:32

Anyone can be a father
It takes someone special to be a Dad

When your heart is ready to try again, don't deny yourself because you have DD. Obviously be careful & don't rush things, but you're entitled to some happiness too and he may turn out to be brilliant for DD & even if it doesn't last forever, someone else that cares about her can still be good thing. But don't go looking for a Daddy for DD 🤣 it had to be 'for you'

Just because DD brought it up, it doesn't mean it's something she thinks about a lot. Kids don't have much of a filter, so tend to say what they think when they think it.

Don't break your heart over it x

IceCreamSummer20 · 18/10/2020 20:33

I think sometimes wisdom comes from children! She is telling you a truth here. Her own ‘father’ doesn’t really deserve to be called that, as he isn’t. And she’d like one, one day. And why not? Of course it may not happen, but she is open to it. So why not you? Even if it is a case of backing your daughter up here - there is a clear space here that no one is filling. Next time she talks about it, I wouldn’t say that she always has a ‘real’ father - as she doesn’t - that maybe your own sadness about the fact that he didn’t want to be there.

EmeraldShamrock · 18/10/2020 20:34

Awh DC can make your heart ache with innocent words.
It is only natural she is wondering how she can fix it in her world. A smart child.
Give her a big hug with lots of love.

tigerbear · 18/10/2020 20:35

Oh OP, you and your DD sound lovely.

As previous posters have said, she might well have a Dad in the future (if you want to have a partner, obviously), and it COULD work out to be amazing.
My DP is incredible with DD, and she frequently tells him ‘you are so much better than my original daddy’ (whom she sees all the time).

gottastopeatingchocolate · 18/10/2020 20:35

It's OK to feel heartbroken.

A child therapist friend advised me not to shy away from these types of conversations. Let her express her loss, I guess.

I am in a different situation. My DD has asked me if I could kill her dad! (Sadly, not joking)

userxx · 18/10/2020 20:37

@AutumnLeaves29 You sound like a brilliant mum, your little girl is very lucky, she'll probably want a hamster next week!

IMNOTSHOUTING · 18/10/2020 20:39

Well on the upside OP it sounds like she has a bloody lovely mum. She's a lucky girl.

MsAwesomeDragon · 18/10/2020 20:41

My dd1's father lives in Australia and we've had no contact with him since she was 6 weeks old.

When she was 5/6 she told her friend that she was saving up all her birthday and Christmas money so she could go and see him. It was completely heartbreaking, as even if she'd been able to save enough money we had no way of finding out where he was living then.

I met someone about a year after that and he did become her dad. Dh hasn't officially adopted dd1, but he's her dad in everything that matters. She's 21 now, and at uni, and the dad thing is not a thing any more at all. She has other issues now, lol.

MojoMoon · 18/10/2020 20:42

Does she see your brothers regularly? She clearly enjoys spending time with them - I know Covid makes it hard but perhaps seeing them more often (assuming they are keen) would give her some element of what she is asking about.

She clearly isn't that bothered by it - she will be becoming increasingly aware that not all families are like her own. Perhaps reading books and stories or watching films with all sorts of families (not just single mums, but single dads, gay parents, foster carers, stepfamilies etc) will help have conversations about how families can be very different but are all still good?

Iamaweirdone · 18/10/2020 20:42

I split up with my daughters Dad when she was two and then met someone else (my now ex). Whilst DD still saw her Dad regularly my (then) new partner certainly became another ‘dad’ to her. He did assemblies at school, taught her things, mopped up sick, loved her etc. We split up about 8 years ago now but he is still very much in her life and she sees both him and her Dad. They take it in turns for things like giving her lifts, parents evening and such. So yes, another man can definitely be her ‘Dad’

Pearl63 · 18/10/2020 20:44

I am 57 and my dad has been my dad since I was 2 years old 🥰

ImFree2doasiwant · 18/10/2020 20:45

I have a "step dad"
He has been more of a dad to me than my biological father ever was. I do understand about not dating though, I have been single 3 yrs and haven't even thought about it really. I can't see how it would work with 2 small DC.

Plussizejumpsuit · 18/10/2020 20:47

Aww that's hard. But your brothers sound lovely and yiy found like a very caring mum. So she is still very lucky. And tbh if he isn't seeing his child then she's actually better of having never known him. So you can be thankful for that too.

MessAllOver · 18/10/2020 20:54

She sounds like a lovely little girl and you sound like a fantastic mum.

Are you open to meeting someone? Not for her especially, but for you? I completely understand your reasons for not wanting a relationship in order to protect her, but it sounds like maybe she's ready to share you a little bit if you did meet someone special. Of course, you'd have to manage her expectations and explain that you'd need to know someone a long, long time to make sure they were nice enough to be her dad so it's not going to happen immediately. But lots of children have great "dads" who aren't biologically related to them.

Kaiserin · 18/10/2020 20:55

Sounds like your brothers are part-time foster Dads to her. Good!
No reason her Dad should be her bio-father, no reason her Dad should be your romantic partner, and no reason she should only have one Dad.
Dad is like a job title. Any fatherly loving male can be a father figure.

Pinkyxx · 18/10/2020 20:55

I'm so sorry for you, I've been there. My DC has a Dad whom she sees but may as well not if you know what I mean. I've remained single since her Dad and I split when she was tiny. She's 11 now. She frequently said this as a younger child and it was hard to hear - all you can do is allow her to express this and be there for her (not try to fix it..).

I agonized about the lack of 'Father' figure and felt awful about this for many years BUT now she has found a 'Father' in her uncle (my brother) and her Grand-Father ( my Dad). My brother particularly has been (remains) more of a Father than her own Dad will ever be.

It doesn't matter where they get it from as long as they have a positive male influence.

Flip

1 2 3