Page 2 | To find what my daughter said tonight heartbreaking

RationalOne · 18/10/2020 21:24

It sounds like she has some really good role model figures (dad like) in your brothers.

You sound like you are doing a great job. The birth dad is missing out on a lovely daughter (his loss) but with an attitude like his she is better off without him having you and your family

Best wishes and be really nice to yourself, you are doing great

MrsH497 · 18/10/2020 21:36

OP I never have met the male who I suppose technically is my father his choice and his loss. My mum like you was careful about dating and I had no interest in a step dad I was perfectly content with just me and mum. Then she met the most wonderful man when I was 19, neither of us pushed the relationship but slowly I started to call him my step dad and he called me his step daughter. They got married 10 years ago and I proudly call him my dad. He's been there for the most important moments of my life, graduating, work stuff, walked me down the aisle and is the best grandpa to my own little girl. He's my dad I don't care about the biology.

She has her mummy and a dad is a bonus if any man is special enough for you both

babybythesea · 18/10/2020 21:37

One of my close friends has been a step dad to his partners children since they were toddlers. They are now young adults and think of him as dad. They refer to him as a step dad but they call him by a special nickname they came up with as young children, which no one else uses. Last year they gave him a canvas to put on his wall. It says (I’m slightly paraphrasing because I can’t remember it exactly):
We call you our step dad because you stepped in and stepped up.

She absolutely could have that relationship with someone, but if not, she has it with your brothers from the sounds of it, and they are equally good role models.

MadameMeursault · 18/10/2020 21:44

Your DD has a lovely mum and some lovely uncles. Hopefully by next week she will want a hamster not a dad!

SunshineCake · 18/10/2020 21:45

I think it is a worry that you think you could marry a man who wouldn't be a dad to her. He would be her step dad. I would really hope that he would care for her as a parent would or why the heck would you hypothetically be with him ?

Thecobwebsarewinning · 18/10/2020 21:52

My mum and dad split up when I was less than a year old. I have very few memories of my biological father as I stopped seeing him when I was about 4 and my mum’s second husband became my stepdad and then, later, legally adopted me.

I’m glad Mum remarried as her second husband was a wonderful father to me and I loved him dearly. He died 28 years ago when I was in my 30s and I still miss him.

All that being said, I don’t think even the most wonderful step/adoptive father is as good as being raised by a loving biological parent. However it’s much better than being raised by a wastrel or abusive biological parent and I am grateful for what I had.

hollieberrie · 18/10/2020 22:14

My parents are both long dead. My stepdad and I are so close now. We are each others main family really even though we aren't biologically related. We meet up for coffee every week. I'm 41, hes 63. I'd be devastated to lose him from my life.

You sound lovely OP. And great that your dd has a strong bond with your brothers.

Dogman2020 · 18/10/2020 22:28

Op, I grew up in your daughters position.
My parents split when I was 2, I still saw my dad regularly always just him on his own even though he had a new family by then. I grew up mostly in my nan with my 2 uncles who I absolutely adored.

My mum met a man when I was 7, they got married and had my little brother.

even though I still saw my dad our relationship has never been a true father daughter one similar to all my friends have - it didnt matter as my stepdad was amazing and sadly I only realised just how much in the last few years of his life.

Your daughter is lucky to have 2 uncles who adore her and a mum who cares for her so much. shell be just fine whatever you choose to do in the future.

WombOfOnesOwn · 18/10/2020 23:19

i think it's genuinely sad you'd consider the possibility of marrying someone she couldn't call "dad." Heartbreaking, even.

Didkdt · 18/10/2020 23:51

The fact that she can articulated and confidently tell you that us a credit to you as a mother. Heartbreaking as the moment was you should remember that

Osirus · 19/10/2020 00:12

I once mentioned to my sister in front of my very young nephew (must have been around 8/9, possibly younger), that you could find anything on Google (this was a few years ago!).

We later discovered that my nephew promptly went up to his bedroom to “Google” who his dad was. My sister refused to tell him.

He knows now but still has no contact.

Osirus · 19/10/2020 00:13

To clarify, at the time my nephew didn’t even know the name of his father. He’d put into Google “who is xxx xxxx’s dad?”

Colouringaddict · 19/10/2020 01:08

My DD and DS are now in their 30’s. Their birth father never made an effort after we separated. It was just me and them against the world, until I met my now DH.
On the day we got married, they took his surname and called him dad, by their own choice. They call him Dad and he is proud to be their dad, never missed a sports day, school play, parents evening, birthday party.......

He also asked them if he could ask me to marry him as well as asking my father.

He worked hard so that I could be a SAHM until they went to secondary school.

Their children now call him Grandad and he has an amazing relationship with all of them, no one would ever dare to refer to him as step anything, apart from he stepped up. They have both said that they will never tell their children anything other than he is their dad and their grandad, I am so proud of this man that took us on as a package.

He supported both DC when the curiosity bit and they found their biological father, he loved them enough to understand that they needed to do that, and he loved them enough to pick up the pieces when they saw what a waste of space he was.

My DS is now a daddy to a child he took on as a package and I see he learned so many lessons from his dad, that I know that child who completes our family is going to be as lucky as my DC are.

Don’t deny yourself the chance of something special, the right man will add to both of your lives, they are out there, go for it!

Original poster

AutumnLeaves29 · 19/10/2020 10:17

Thanks everyone. I loved reading all the comments, feeling very reasured now :)

OP posts:

Fromthetopmakeitdrop · 19/10/2020 10:26

My dad died when I was six & my siblings still had their dad. Other than being jealous when they got extra holidays & presents it really didnt affect me at all. You can't properly miss what you don't have. Your daughter wants a dad because her friends have one - what may be helpful is to point out all the people she does have that already love her. I know as a child my mum always told me I didn't need a dad as she loved me twice as much & that was enough.

Emmapeeler2 · 19/10/2020 12:11

my mum always told me I didn't need a dad as she loved me twice as much & that was enough.

That's so lovely.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 19/10/2020 12:16

As a fatherless daughter I’d say please make sure she knows it’s not a reflection on her. That’s where the damage can lie. You may need to labour the point a bit, as children naturally think they cause everything!

Frazzledstar1 · 19/10/2020 17:38

Oh bless her, it breaks your heart doesn’t it!

My dad raised my step sister from the age of three and she considers him a father and he treats her as a daughter just as the rest of his children.

There is still a chance that she’ll have a dad figure in her life in the future who will play with her and do all that if you meet a lovely new hubby in the future (if that’s what you want too of course!)

Lots of hugs to you both

user1456923830 · 19/10/2020 17:46

I very rarely post hence not even choosing a decent user name. I am 36 and have never met my biological father and I’m ok. My mum is amazing as are you. She will be just fine x

amispeakingenglish · 19/10/2020 17:49

my only boy out of 4 used to ask boys in the playground if they could be his brother when he was small. Once he asked me to get him a brother from the orphanage, adding that they were free!! I actually phoned up the local council but was told I could only have one that would have been 4 years or so younger than him (when I asked about same age 10-boys not adopted much at that age I read) as had to be in natural order of family & his sister is 2 yrs younger than him. I wanted on a similar age, what about twins?? I was told years later that I should have pushed this as incorrect info????? Anyway he is an adult now mid 20s and has lots of friends, plus he can't remember any of this, although at the time and even now, it upsets me!!!!

anon666 · 19/10/2020 17:52

Kids break your heart with the little things they say, but it rarely goes deep for them like it is for us. They just express the immediate ideas bubbling through their consciousness. ♥️ Bless them.

I can't count the number of times dd1 and dd2 said something that was like a profound truth to me, but to them was a throwaway comment.

One memorable one was "I just wish I wasn't the only kid in the class who gets picked up by a childminder when all the other children get to go home with their mummies". We live in a wealthy area and it was actually true. 😳

I think it preys on our own insecurities when we can't provide a perfect life for our little ones. But in fact we should be counting our blessings.

In the case of your dd, it sounds like she has been incredibly lucky to have a 200% worth of mum. I'm close to a couple of single mums and I know that what they do is more than twice as hard as what we two-parent families do.

She's very lucky.

GingerWit · 19/10/2020 17:58

@AutumnLeaves29

DD is 6.5 and has never met her dad (his decision). Tonight she told me that she wanted me to get married, so she could have a new dad. I calmly explained that even if I did get married, that it wouldn't automatically make that person her dad, and that she does have a dad, she just doesn't see him. She replied that she doesn't want her dad, she wants one who will play with her and throw her on the sofa (my brothers do this with her). DD wasn't upset and is happily snuggled up in bed now, but my tears are flowing. :(

Hello,

I've never ever known my real Dad, but I had a step-Dad from age 14. It wasn't always easy, but that Man put me through University. I'm now 35, married, 3 children.

Don't tell her she can't have a Dad in that way, because you're thinking too much into the scenario. She's 6, so keep it simple and just say one day it might happen! I call the man I never met the "sperm donor" - He's not my Dad. The man who brought me up is my Dad.

You will find your happy ever after, I promise you.

Newmum3200 · 19/10/2020 18:01

OP you sound like such a good Mum. In all honesty that is everything she needs. I was raised by a single Mum and her influence made me so independent, I am very grateful for it. I met my Dad for the first time when I was in my 30’s (I wasn’t particularly bothered but my sibling was so I did it for him really). I found I was justified to be indifferent because I genuinely don’t believe him being in my life would have enriched it in any way.

Your daughter is just fine, and she will be just fine with or without a father figure in her life xxx

monkeyonthetable · 19/10/2020 18:02

Tell her that throw-you-on-the-bed stuff is more the kind of thing fun uncles do and lots of dads even if they are really nice are busy with work and home late and sometimes grumpy and bossy - they are only perfect in the imagination.

keffie12 · 19/10/2020 18:06

I fled the ex with 4 youngsters 20 years ago. He is the biological one to all of my 4 as they call him.

We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath which involved the whole system of this country.
Only my daughter that has minimal contact with him.

My 2nd husband is "The Dad he didn't have to be" to my/our four. He took on so much with us.

My point is anyone can father a child. It takes much more to be a Dad.

Your daughter coming from a place of distrust. If you do meet the right person then you will take things gradually and appropriately im sure.

Please don't let what she has said dictate whether you date or not in the future is the only thing I would say.

You sound a lovely caring mom who wants to do right by her children. Don't let it keep you single if it feels right as you are allowed happiness too.

My dear late mom told me that when I met my 2nd husband hence why I am passing it on too