Page 3 | To find what my daughter said tonight heartbreaking

MsKeats · 19/10/2020 18:21

@AutumnLeaves29

DD is 6.5 and has never met her dad (his decision). Tonight she told me that she wanted me to get married, so she could have a new dad. I calmly explained that even if I did get married, that it wouldn't automatically make that person her dad, and that she does have a dad, she just doesn't see him. She replied that she doesn't want her dad, she wants one who will play with her and throw her on the sofa (my brothers do this with her). DD wasn't upset and is happily snuggled up in bed now, but my tears are flowing. :(

I have been exactly there -exactly where you are. Don't use the term Dad -he's not -he is her Biological father. Use that term I used it from the age of 4. IF you did get married that person WOULD be her Dad or parents as in my view it is the person that raises you. I say to mine -who has no contact with her biological father how lucky she is to have a mum who loves her as much a mum and dad combined -likewise she has the dad figure in your brothers. Mine once went to the swimming pool with a friend whose Dad is very "hands on and fun" and could do the big strong stuff like throwing her up in the air and whizzing her around on the floats -and she said the same -I explained you don't need to be a Dad to do that but a friend or Uncle or Grandpa etc -I cried too -you are NOT Alone.

mynameisbiggles · 19/10/2020 18:23

Exactly, well said!

Cirmhor13 · 19/10/2020 18:30

Hardly a fair statement. Mothers can be just as bad as in the case of my ex. She walked out on her children after cheating and has barely seen them over the last 18 months. I am a single parent with 3 kids.
Yes they are both our kids and yes i am their father, dad, call me whatever!
Im a trans woman so dont expect much support here but dont tar all fathers with the same brush.

ivykaty44 · 19/10/2020 18:48

Its no consolation but its better to not have a dad than a bad one and your ex not wanting your dd in his life doesn't make him sound like he'd have been a good dad....

picosandsancerre · 19/10/2020 18:51

my step dad came into my life when I was 10. He was a lovely man, i did have my own dad who I only saw if I went to visit him, never received one xmas card from that man and tormented my mum when we were little by turning up when he fancied, well because he could. I stopped seeing my biological dad when I was 16. My step dad was my dad, he was someone I could sit and talk too for hours, gave me sound advice and was fantastic with my DS when he arrived. He sadly died young and interestingly my biological dad died many years later and I didnt shed a tear.

Vynalbob · 19/10/2020 18:57

I agree with your dd. My sdd said some time ago she had two fathers, one sperm donor & one dad (me). I think that your dd is open to it....maybe she's overheard your reasoning for not dating and it's her way of saying it's OK by me. I agree with being careful....but it's not something that you can time right (usually)...
My twopenneth worth just allow yourself to be mildly open to possibilities just in case.

Givemeabreak88 · 19/10/2020 19:00

Yep I had this exact thing with my daughter so I’m glad it’s not just me as I wondered what had caused it! She became obsessed with getting a new dad, use to beg me to meet someone just so she could have a dad (tried to explain to her it isn’t that simple) use to ask all the male teachers in her school to be her dad, it was really mortifying. It got worse when she had a male teacher as she was obsessed with him and use to ask me to marry him!

Imnotahugger · 19/10/2020 19:14

I just wanted to say that, one day, you may find a man that you fall in love with and that same man would in turn become your DD’s dad. You wouldn’t fall for a man that wasn’t worthy of that title. FWIW, my eldest son is not my biological son but I don’t love him any less. Nobody outside of our circle would ever guess that though to look at us. So what I’m basically trying to say is, don’t rule it out just yet x

Hmm1234 · 19/10/2020 19:15

This is pretty normal for children to say when they realise there household isn’t like what’s portrayed as ‘normal’. I remember saying the complete opposite to my parents that if they re-married I’d run away from home lol

MrsGrindah · 19/10/2020 19:21

Bless her ...she wants a Dad to throw her on the sofa! That’s so sweet.

MrsWhites · 19/10/2020 19:29

@gluteustothemaximus

I calmly explained that even if I did get married, that it wouldn't automatically make that person her dad

I hate to disagree in your state of sadness and upset, but it can and could be her Dad. A Dad is so much more than biology. He's the one who is there for her. The one who reads to her, plays with her, cuddles her and does all the things a good biological dad does.

Our family, DH isn't DS1's Dad biologically, but he is his Dad. Always will be

Couldn’t agree more.

My dad isn’t my biological father but he is absolutely 100% my dad and the very best dad I could have ever wished for!

musketeers123 · 19/10/2020 19:44

Oh op xxx I split up with my DCs dad when they were 7 & 4, 10 years ago. Due to DV he has not now seen them in 9 years. I had a very similar conversation with my DD when she was 7. She was upset though and said that she wanted a "proper dad that would do dad things with her, not throw her on the bed or break her toys". It was so v v sad to hear her like this. However I just did the best I could and they both got through it fine. So much more resilient than we realise. I probably over compensated for being a single parent but we muddled through. They are both very well adjusted children. I do have a partner now whom they grew to respect & love. They call him their step dad. My ds used to point at men in the supermarket and ask me if I liked them as they could be a good dad 😞 - you just have to go with it. Not easy being a SP at all but we made it ❤❤❤ Am sure you are doing the best you can x At least you don't hv to share custody as I would have really struggled to not see them on Christmas Day/ Birthdays, etc xxxx

CaraDuneRedux · 19/10/2020 20:27

Hugs OP. (Of an un-mumsnetty kind, natch.)

I'm in a not entirely dissimilar position - and I always separated out the idea of "biological dad" from "the sort of dad who tucks you up and tells you stories and cuddles you when you've skinned your knee."

Though DS did go through a stage of really wanting a dad of the second sort (unfortunately for him I never got that lucky). But we turned it into a kind of joke - joking about digging "daddy traps" in the park to see if we could capture a suitable one, much in the manner of Pooh and Piglet digging a Heffalump trap.

It is very hard, because I could see from how he interacted with my close male friends just how much he missed a father figure. He's ended up very close to my DDad, his granddad, though.

Funpixie · 19/10/2020 21:20

Any man can make a baby - a real man raises them too! Don’t give up OP - have faith and let him find you xx

To find what my daughter said tonight heartbreaking

madcatladyforever · 19/10/2020 21:58

I never met my "father" either, he never wanted to see me. I would have been fine with that had my stepfather not hated me so much. he gave me my marching orders at 16 and my mothers second family and her lived happily ever after without me.
I wondered what it was about me that made men reject me like this, it blighted my relationships and my life.
Your daughter is lucky she has such a caring mum.

Oblomov20 · 20/10/2020 07:24

I think she's being very mature, but actually she has a hole, something is missing for her, emotionally. This can be filled op. You just need to find a way that works for her.

When you think about it, many people, particularly on MN cone from families that weren't great, but we all try to become rounded. You just need to help her to be so. You can do it!

blessedhope · 20/10/2020 08:13

@EmeraldShamrock

Awh DC can make your heart ache with innocent words. It is only natural she is wondering how she can fix it in her world. A smart child. Give her a big hug with lots of love.

'Give her a big hug with lots of

Buggersticks · 20/10/2020 08:53

Daddy/dad is the one who loves & protects you, and treats you as his own. Any man can make a baby. Xx

jillybeanclevertips · 20/10/2020 10:44

This is her attention at this time- in a while it will change and she will focus on something else. Keep explaining that the things she wants are not on your agenda right now, and then keep playing that record over and over. Or, sit down and discus other hings she would like- and try to find some common ground. She's young and demanding, that's what she is supposed to be, Give it timne, as she matured she will come to realise thatb this is your life, too.

Merryweather80 · 20/10/2020 12:11

When my eldest dd was around 4/5 she started asking about her dad as she saw her younger sister going every other weekend to see her’s. (Long story with exh and then ex-boyfriend) After two daughters and two very failed relationships, I decided never again. By then I was struggling with my disabilities and mobility - I felt awful because as a single parent I couldn't run in the park, play running games like football etc. Fortunately, my brother took them out to play football etc my mom helped with teaching them to ride bikes etc.
While I underwent intensive very painful physio - accepted my limitations, It was hard trying to explain why one saw their dad but the other didn't. Not that elder dd was less loved or wanted etc.

I met my partner not long after that. Eventually the girls met my partner. After a year we had all been meeting regularly and she asked him if he would be her dad.

I burst into tears. We hadnt really discussed how /what/if this could or would happen. I was just completely overwhelmed by her understanding of the relationship we had and the she has with him and the love that had developed. We just looked at one another and before either of us had a chance to say anything shed decided he was her dad - very matter of fact about it. Her sister copied not really understanding the situation to the same degree.

Dd1 is now 9 dd2 is 7. Biologically he didn't make them but he and I together have made them the lovely intelligent, friendly, helpful young ladies they are today.

They began asking for a brother or sister a few years ago. I'm thinking three kids, three different dads. Can I be that person? How bad does that sound/ look? What does it teach them about their future relationships etc? We have had multiple miscarriages, fertility issues, still with me battling my disabilities. I'm laying here typing this bf our newborn son. We're technically a mish-mash of DNA but a very close family.

Don't give up on dating and future relationships. They could bring you both an eternity of happiness and love. It sounds like your dd is very sensible and secure. She clearly understands who us important in her life and has a brilliant male influence and role model. There's always room for more. Don't deny yourself and potentially her, if someone very special comes along. It's family in any form where there's loving bond.

Postmysecret · 20/10/2020 12:42

I grew up without a dad, I hardly ever thought about it as a child, said one or 2 things to my mum, but it’s not hurt me. I am really close to my mum, well balanced and happy. Some times I wish I had a dad now as an adult to help me with things I see my friends getting help with, but I usually ask my mum and she can do almost everything, if not more then some ‘dads’ 😂