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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked for confirmation?

55 replies

WipedoutMama · 18/10/2020 15:37

We've had a support bubble with my parents for childcare for our toddler. My brother and his family have had one with his parents in law. This weekend, my parents had my brother's kids over for a sleepover. Fair enough, they wanted to see their other grandchildren as they've missed them terribly. But then Mum called to say my niece has told her she's been tested for COVID and not had the results back yet. I was understandably concerned.

I asked when they'd have the results, as if positive, Mum & Dad would need to isolate and we'd need to know to change plans. I was told the results could take a while, so best to cancel any plans we had requiring childcare for next weekend and the one after.

Naturally, based on that response, I thought my Mum had spoken to my brother and confirmed that they were still waiting for results. Instead of jumping the gun and cancelling all our plans (we have a long overdue couple's spa day & lunch finally booked which had been last year's Christmas gift from my sister), I messaged my brother to ask if he could let us know as soon as the results were in.

I then get a furious phone call saying I'm selfish for making this about me, that they'd already received negative results, and why would I even think they'd send the kids, if that was the case. I tried to explain that the whole thing had been crossed wires and that I'd been led to believe the results were not in, but was met with verbal abuse and an abruptly ended phone call.

The thing that bothers me most is (aside from my brother's over-reaction), if my Mum hadn't even spoken to my brother, why she was willing to let me cancel all my plans just on the authority of my young niece? It makes me feel like she doesn't want to have our toddler next weekend and was looking for an excuse.

AIBU for having asked for confirmation based on what I knew at the time? Should I just cancel the plans anyway and assume my Mum doesn't want to have our toddler?

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 18/10/2020 15:41

How often have they been having toddler? Perhaps they do want a break?

LIZS · 18/10/2020 15:48

Why would your brother tell you about something which does not affect your plans. Yes I suspect your parents want a weekend to themselves.

Racoonworld · 18/10/2020 15:52

How often do they have your toddler? Aren’t childcare bubbles supposed to be to enable you to work?

Racoonworld · 18/10/2020 15:53

Posted too soon! Seems odd you would have so many plans at the weekend without your toddler

Original poster
WipedoutMama · 18/10/2020 15:55

They haven't had him much at all, the odd hour outside nursery when I've had lots of work to do, and a couple of overnights. We only really have this one spa day planned that we've been looking forward to, and we were going to invite them here for a small Halloween afternoon tea so that our son had a little bit of company to see him dressed up, but that's it.

OP posts:
user27378 · 18/10/2020 15:57

I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask. But you are unreasonable to abuse the childcare situation. Childcare bubbles are for when you are working only, aren't they?

Original poster
WipedoutMama · 18/10/2020 16:01

@LIZS of course I wouldn't have expected him to tell me, but more expected my Mum to have at least double checked the info given to her my by niece before unnecessarily worrying me and suggesting we cancel stuff for next weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
WipedoutMama · 18/10/2020 16:03

@user27378 I've not seen that specified anywhere to be honest. I think it'd be unreasonable if I was out drinking every weekend, but it's one day (not even an overnight). Everyone deserves a break.

OP posts:
Original poster
WipedoutMama · 18/10/2020 16:04

@Racoonworld They haven't had him much at all, the odd hour outside nursery when I've had lots of work to do, and a couple of overnights. We only really have this one spa day planned that we've been looking forward to, and we were going to invite them here for a small Halloween afternoon tea so that our son had a little bit of company to see him dressed up, but that's it.

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 18/10/2020 16:07

Everyone deserves a break

How ironic that you don’t see that might also include your parents Hmm

Original poster
WipedoutMama · 18/10/2020 16:13

@rottiemum88 oh I absolutely do see that! Like I say they haven't had our boy much at all, and I'm asking if others think I should cancel next week and assume that this whole situation is because my Mum wants a break but doesn't want to openly tell me. If I cancel then there's also the risk she will take offence and think I've done it out of spite, which isn't the case at all. I literally don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 18/10/2020 16:14

Was it for the full weekend they were going to have him? I'm wondering if they'd regretted agreeing to it because of how exhausting a toddler is (I know it's exhausting for parents but it's our problem because they're ours).

BigFatLiar · 18/10/2020 16:15

I think mum simply didn't want to say she wanted a break from babysitting so used this as an excuse

NerrSnerr · 18/10/2020 16:16

You need to speak to your parents- have an honest conversation about what they want to do and if they want a break.

Original poster
WipedoutMama · 18/10/2020 16:18

@NerrSnerr no just for the day. It was actually my Mum who suggested he stay overnight the night before so that we weren't rushing about dropping him off and could go straight for the spa day, but we hadn't confirmed any of that. To my mind she was having him for a few hours while we had a treatment, a swim and some lunch.

OP posts:
PleasantVille · 18/10/2020 16:19

[quote WipedoutMama]@rottiemum88 oh I absolutely do see that! Like I say they haven't had our boy much at all, and I'm asking if others think I should cancel next week and assume that this whole situation is because my Mum wants a break but doesn't want to openly tell me. If I cancel then there's also the risk she will take offence and think I've done it out of spite, which isn't the case at all. I literally don't know what to do for the best.[/quote]
When you say our boy do you live with the boy's father? I thought only single parents could form bubbles.

Original poster
WipedoutMama · 18/10/2020 16:20

@NerrSnerr I think you're right. I hate trying to second guess people, it makes me anxious, but sometimes when people don't communicate well then guessing can be the only option you're left with! Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
WipedoutMama · 18/10/2020 16:22

@PleasantVille well what the government rules are and what works for a lot of families are two different things. My husband is front line NHS and works shifts so we formed a childcare bubble with my parents for times outside of nursery when I also need to work. I guess you've just got to reserve judgement on that and let families do what works for them, we're all just getting by.

OP posts:
TimeStoleMyYouth · 18/10/2020 16:23

[quote WipedoutMama]@rottiemum88 oh I absolutely do see that! Like I say they haven't had our boy much at all, and I'm asking if others think I should cancel next week and assume that this whole situation is because my Mum wants a break but doesn't want to openly tell me. If I cancel then there's also the risk she will take offence and think I've done it out of spite, which isn't the case at all. I literally don't know what to do for the best.[/quote]
Why don’t you just talk directly to your mum and ask her if she’s happy to have your son? You’re getting yourself worked up about a hypothetical situation, whereas a proper conversation could resolve all this angst. It sounds like a misunderstanding.

Forgetaboutme · 18/10/2020 16:23

Seems like communication is quite poor in your family? Maybe time just to be open. Tell your mum you heard that your niece teated negative but that you understand if she still wants a break from childcare. Just ask her. Maybe the scare alone of someone close by needing tested has made your mum think twice about childcare.

AppleStars · 18/10/2020 16:24

@PleasantVille depends where she is, in NI our social bubbles can be two households as long as it's less than 10 people total, the single person household thing is just England & Wales I think?

PleasantVille · 18/10/2020 16:28

[quote WipedoutMama]@PleasantVille well what the government rules are and what works for a lot of families are two different things. My husband is front line NHS and works shifts so we formed a childcare bubble with my parents for times outside of nursery when I also need to work. I guess you've just got to reserve judgement on that and let families do what works for them, we're all just getting by.[/quote]
I'm not judging you but if what you have isn't a support bubble it's wrong to ask for advice by pretending it is.

What use is posters input if they dont know the actual situation?

PleasantVille · 18/10/2020 16:31

[quote AppleStars]@PleasantVille depends where she is, in NI our social bubbles can be two households as long as it's less than 10 people total, the single person household thing is just England & Wales I think?[/quote]
That's right, the vast majority of posters are on England/Wales so only sensible to say if you're under different rules imo

It doesn't matter now as the OP has clarified that she isn't in a support bubble under any rules.

LadyFannyButton · 18/10/2020 16:33

best to cancel any plans we had requiring childcare for next weekend and the one after
She doesn’t have him a lot but is saying to cancel the next 2 weekends open a row.
I literally don't know what to do for the best
Your mum has already said she can’t have him, I would just leave it at that tbh.

Original poster
WipedoutMama · 18/10/2020 16:33

@pleasantville I consider it a support bubble as my parents are providing support with childcare and we support them with errands. If you have a different definition of a support bubble that's fine, but really it has no bearing whatsoever on the rest of the situation and the question asked.

OP posts:
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