To have asked for confirmation?

[WipedoutMama]

We've had a support bubble with my parents for childcare for our toddler. My brother and his family have had one with his parents in law. This weekend, my parents had my brother's kids over for a sleepover. Fair enough, they wanted to see their other grandchildren as they've missed them terribly. But then Mum called to say my niece has told her she's been tested for COVID and not had the results back yet. I was understandably concerned.

I asked when they'd have the results, as if positive, Mum & Dad would need to isolate and we'd need to know to change plans. I was told the results could take a while, so best to cancel any plans we had requiring childcare for next weekend and the one after.

Naturally, based on that response, I thought my Mum had spoken to my brother and confirmed that they were still waiting for results. Instead of jumping the gun and cancelling all our plans (we have a long overdue couple's spa day & lunch finally booked which had been last year's Christmas gift from my sister), I messaged my brother to ask if he could let us know as soon as the results were in.

I then get a furious phone call saying I'm selfish for making this about me, that they'd already received negative results, and why would I even think they'd send the kids, if that was the case. I tried to explain that the whole thing had been crossed wires and that I'd been led to believe the results were not in, but was met with verbal abuse and an abruptly ended phone call.

The thing that bothers me most is (aside from my brother's over-reaction), if my Mum hadn't even spoken to my brother, why she was willing to let me cancel all my plans just on the authority of my young niece? It makes me feel like she doesn't want to have our toddler next weekend and was looking for an excuse.

AIBU for having asked for confirmation based on what I knew at the time? Should I just cancel the plans anyway and assume my Mum doesn't want to have our toddler?

I dont really know what answers you really expect to find. You need to talk to your mum.

Try looking after your own child. It sounds like you are getting your parents to do a hell of a lot of childcare. They have done their years of looking after you.

[quote WipedoutMama]@pleasantville I consider it a support bubble as my parents are providing support with childcare and we support them with errands. If you have a different definition of a support bubble that's fine, but really it has no bearing whatsoever on the rest of the situation and the question asked.[/quote]
Of course I don't have my own definition of a government defined arrangement, that would be ridiculous.

Just as daft as making up your own arrangements and giving them the same name as a government sanctioned exception to the overriding guidance.

Do what you like but pretend it's allowable.

[quote WipedoutMama]@rottiemum88 oh I absolutely do see that! Like I say they haven't had our boy much at all, and I'm asking if others think I should cancel next week and assume that this whole situation is because my Mum wants a break but doesn't want to openly tell me. If I cancel then there's also the risk she will take offence and think I've done it out of spite, which isn't the case at all. I literally don't know what to do for the best.[/quote]
Speak to her. Explain the conversation with your brother and ask if she wants a break. Say it’s perfectly fine if she does but could she just be open with you.

Just talk to your mum. Tell her your brother says they were negative, and does she still want you to cancel as it’s not as issue you just want clarification

Thank you for the constructive comments, plan to just speak to Mum and find out what she wants. Will resolve the situation with my brother when he's calmer. Mumsnet is really judgy mind isn't it, I thought it was a place where parents could come and get support from one another rather than bashing with half-facts and assumptions. Appreciate those of you who actually tried to help.

The guidance states that a childcare bubble is acceptable, and a totally different thing to the single person support bubble. Why are people getting so stuck on this?

YANBU, but cancel anyway, as we’ll all be in lockdown.

@Positivevibesonlyplease you need to change your name! Nice positivity!

LOL! Well, it seems pretty certain that there’s going to be some sort of ‘circuit break’ lockdown over the half-term holiday and beyond. Isn’t everyone aware of that?

Which tier are you in OP?

Update: spoken to Mum, she seems to think I was in the wrong for messaging my brother to gain clarity on the situation , but says she's happy to have our boy next weekend now we know my niece is negative. Like @Positivevibesonlyplease says, I'll probably just cancel it anyway. Thanks again, not sure how to close a thread!

Sounds like your mum wasn’t in the loop on the latest news and was just preparing you for worst case scenario, don’t think you were in the wrong messaging your brother but perhaps it came across like you were focussing a little too much on how your nieces potential illness affected your plans, albeit I’m very sure that wasn’t your intention.

@Lifeaintalwaysempty I think you have it spot on, looking back at my message, my brother has taken it entirely the opposite to as it was intended. I hate texting, I'd have called him but he never answers the phone!

YABU to have messaged your brother to find out just to make sure your spa day didn't need cancelling. My first reaction would have been to want to see if DN and DB's family were all OK before worrying about that....

@LifesNotEnidBlyton my Mum had already confirmed that no-one was showing symptoms, another reason why I thought she'd already spoken to my brother.

Could you phone the hotel and ask if your DC could come too?

@cherish123 yes that's exactly what I've done, they've said it's fine so we are taking him along.

@WipedoutMama I wouldn't worry OP. People get really funny about family set ups where grandparents do a lot of childcare. Some people can't seem to see that some families enjoy living this way and some grandparents actually enjoy looking after their grandchildren often.

@BlusteryShowers thank you. My Mum does love having the grandkids and is the type to say "just let them stay" when they are visiting at weekends. She is constantly buying them pyjamas for "just in case" impromptu sleepovers because when we say "oh they can't they've got no PJs" then there's no excuse. But sometimes I worry it's too much and that she wouldn't let on if it was. Definitely a lot of judgy people about though making cruel comments with no basis whatsoever than their own assumptions.

But did you ask your DB? That might be why he took offence.... He could be jealous too that you get your mum and dad and he gets his in laws. He might be projecting.

@WipedoutMama sounds just like my family. I know we're really lucky to be able to have trusted, free overnight childcare whenever we want, and more often just because they want to have him to stay. I've no idea why some people seem to see that as sub-par parenting, or taking the piss.

@LifesNotEnidBlyton my DB gets the best of both worlds as they have childcare from both his in laws and our parents. Aside from during lockdown etc, in normal world, Mum would have his kids almost every weekend. I definitely don't think he thinks he gets the short straw. He mainly took offence that I would have thought for a second he'd send my niece with suspected COVID. Even though in my mind I thought he'd already confirmed as such with my Mum. Just crossed wires.

@WipedoutMama have a lovely time.