To refuse to attend?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Non-covid safe meet up happening tomorrow teatime for my nephews 10th birthday. Indoors (confirmed) and over 6 people. We are in a Tier 2 area. Dhs side of the family.

I've already told dh I'm not attending and, I would prefer our 2 dc not to go either. I need to keep our kids at school, they've lost too much time at school and also, whenever their bubble bursts (happened once already since Sept) it's me that then works from home while they are off.

He seems to think I'm being rude by not attending. I think he is the one with the issue as he isn't complying with the rules, and doesn't respect my decision not to go.

I've acknowledged with him that I have no right to tell him what he can and can't do, nor can I actually stop him taking our children. But that I would prefer our dc don't attend either.

He says " we will only be there 20 minutes". So what's the point in taking the dc? They won't appreciate being dragged away so soon after arriving.

Anyways, I'm the rude one. Apparently.

Don't go. They are breaking the law. It puts you and your dcs at risk . Ggrr how they are pushing this on to you- it is their issue. you have also offered an alternative , I'd stick with that, "we wont be coming on that day and would love to meet on another day etc". That's all you can say really . Sorry to hear they are putting you in this position, they are selfish and stupid

@Sunnydaysstillhere

Ask him straight up why he doesn't love his dc enough to make every effort to keep them safe...

I think he would come straight back with "well despite loving them very much, we send them to school every day where they mix more closely with very, very more people"

...and he would have a point.

The illegality of the get together is the only thing you can use as a vailid reason not to go.

Just say no.

show him this thread!

Thing is though if you're kids or DH get covid you will also be stuck in. I think you need to be more forceful. If my DH decided to drink drive with the kids id be hiding the car keys, can't you do the same here?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

No he wouldn't forcibly remove them, I've zero doubt about that. We've parented 50/50 since the beginning and never really had anything we've not been on the same page on.

I will be reminding him this afternoon that if anyone from the gathering gets covid then he is stuck in for 14 days with the dc.

So you can't stop him going to a party for a few hours but you can make sure he self isolates with the children for 2 weeks. That really doesn't seem even remotely likely

What could very possibly happen, and probably happens often, is that after this party no one will develop symptoms or be tested and told to isolate, but actually someone will have it asymptomatically and be infectious, and by increasing contacts at this party it will be spread to a wider range of people. The party goers would never know the people who caught it as a result of their actions, and became very ill, or died, or had to struggle without full income or schooling due to isolation, or who took medical resources desperately needed for non Covid treatments.

I am afraid your DH's family are ignorant and selfish, I would be wanting to limit your DC's exposure to their attitudes as well as their potential germs.

Let's just hope that restrictions aren't still in place at Christmas. He'll probably think it will be rude not to mix households then too. Behaviour like this means that it's less likely to be able to have Christmas with family members.

If your children went then you are as bad as he is.
You are just as much a parent and not keeping them safe, let alone breaking the law.

I despair.

This is why the virus is running rampant.

It's against the law, the kids may miss school, you may have to miss work and lose money, isolating is boring, you may become infected qnd have long covid which is debilitating and lasts months or you may die.

Why he thinks he's above any of this is beyond me.

I’m with you op, I’m not pro ‘the rules’ but I am adapting my life to minimise social contacts as I want to keep my kids in school so try to keep our socialising tied in with our core contacts. The problem with kids is they don’t keep their saliva to themselves, if it’s a birthday there is likely to be food, kids dipping hands in and out of bowls Is as high a change of infection as it gets. If the kids were from the same school bubble you can accept an out break amongst them was always inevitable but multiple people who you wouldn’t normally be in contact with couldn’t by any standards be classed as trying to do your bit.

Do you know what, I'm absolutely fed up of all this shit, and the person who is trying to stay within the actual law being made to feel like they're the unreasonable one.

We bought something for our business from a friend yesterday and went to pick it up, and he invited us in for a brew, and I said sorry we can't. He said oh go oh, I don't mind, and DP said he wouldn't mind either .. but we're in a tier 3 area! If I was going to break the rules and go to other people's houses for brews, I'd pick my parents or grandparents first. But I'm not breaking the rules, yet I was made to feel like the killjoy yesterday.

The point about asymptomatic cases is fair, both my children were infected and really I think like most children if you’d have blinked you’d have missed it. They barely miss a beat, you won’t be in a position of it being obvious they are infectious. However the idea that people are socialising and recklessly infecting grandma is also an unfair aspersion. It is possible to manage your behaviour based on who you are in contact with. I am very free with mum friends but wouldn’t be as ‘normal’ with my vulnerable mum. We can exist with some degree of normality, wash our hands and just adapt to our own circumstance without the world ending. Life can’t stop, we need to be sensible.

It's against the law. You could get fined for attending.

These rules aren't just rules like no stopping on double yellow lines, tax your car etc. These are rules put in place to try and stop people getting sick from a virus that for some people will result in long term serious illness or death. That's what your DH breaking the rules is actually risking for you and your children (even if your DH goes alone). Just why would anyone do that. I just can't get my head around the selfishness of some people.

@Watermelon999 No, I wouldn’t go- but I also wouldn’t get divorced over it. Ridiculous suggestion. The risk of actually getting this virus from this one event and then passing it on, is quite low. It’s not zero and it’s not worth breaking the law or taking the risk health-wise for a family party in my opinion, but my marriage vows are stronger than a relatively innocuous situation like this. As I said at the end of my post, OP is NBU, but the suggestion of serving papers clearly is!

It's against the law. Simple.
And I would say that I would report anybody I knew breaking the law, particularly if they were involving children in this law breaking; technically it is a safeguarding concern if an adult involves a child in an illegal activity. While 'only'a birthday party, it is currently illegal.
I don't know why people can't just accept that we are not celebrating birthdays at the moment; in another few months everyone will have celebrated a birthday with covid restrictions, so no-one will be 'left out'

@Inkpaperstars

What could very possibly happen, and probably happens often, is that after this party no one will develop symptoms or be tested and told to isolate, but actually someone will have it asymptomatically and be infectious, and by increasing contacts at this party it will be spread to a wider range of people. The party goers would never know the people who caught it as a result of their actions, and became very ill, or died, or had to struggle without full income or schooling due to isolation, or who took medical resources desperately needed for non Covid treatments.

I am afraid your DH's family are ignorant and selfish, I would be wanting to limit your DC's exposure to their attitudes as well as their potential germs.

Completely agree and surprised that so many don’t seem to understand this.

[quote Goostacean]@Watermelon999 No, I wouldn’t go- but I also wouldn’t get divorced over it. Ridiculous suggestion. The risk of actually getting this virus from this one event and then passing it on, is quite low. It’s not zero and it’s not worth breaking the law or taking the risk health-wise for a family party in my opinion, but my marriage vows are stronger than a relatively innocuous situation like this. As I said at the end of my post, OP is NBU, but the suggestion of serving papers clearly is![/quote]
@Goostacean

Yes I would be the same, but equally I would be annoyed that my dh was putting the wishes of his extended family before the wishes of his wife, especially if she felt strongly about it. And she’s not being unreasonable....it is the law and also makes sense not to mix too much at the moment.

Will they all be smoking dope at this party? They might as well be - it’s the same attitude that the law can easily be broken.

@Fruitsaladjelly

The point about asymptomatic cases is fair, both my children were infected and really I think like most children if you’d have blinked you’d have missed it. They barely miss a beat, you won’t be in a position of it being obvious they are infectious. However the idea that people are socialising and recklessly infecting grandma is also an unfair aspersion. It is possible to manage your behaviour based on who you are in contact with. I am very free with mum friends but wouldn’t be as ‘normal’ with my vulnerable mum. We can exist with some degree of normality, wash our hands and just adapt to our own circumstance without the world ending. Life can’t stop, we need to be sensible.

@Fruitsaladjelly

What symptoms did your dc show to prompt you to get a test?

I think it’s hard with kids, especially younger ones as they can be asymptomatic but also struggle with distancing, so could potentially pass it on without knowing.

I’m not sure what being “free” with mum friends means! I’m really careful with everyone!

I wouldn't go either. It's my cousins 30th soon, household of three, four when he gets there. I absolutely love him to bits. His mum's having a do at her house and expects us all there. Were a really close family but just my house is 7, then my other aunty is 5, add in 2 bf/gf's and maybe a brother and fiancee from Cardiff! I'm not comfortable at all and 3 that are going are teachers and nurses. First it was come in stages (we're tier one) but now she's cooking a big roast and it's fine as long as we don't hug

@watermelon999
Dh and I both had it, it would have been indistinguishable unless we had been looking, basically a bit of a temperature, slightly less than tip top for a day but nothing unusual in the spectrum of kids stuff.
Being ‘free’ is being completely normal, sitting together having coffee /lunch. Where as I would be more aware around dm, making a conscious effort to wash her mug up even if it was already clean prior to making her cup of tea and washing my hands before even making that cup of tea, then sitting at a greater distance.

It might be a mild illness for you or it might be severe - you don’t know until you get it. I had an extremely nasty flu last December when it has now been admitted Covid was already here. High temp, hideous cough, dry at first and then coughing up lumps of phlegm. Hard to breathe and delirious. I got through it at home. Maybe it was just flu - in which case I need to be careful about Covid. Or maybe it WAS Covid? I will never know but I wouldn’t recklessly increase my chances of getting it. Nor should anyone.

@catspyjamas123 I think I had it in February, but no way of really knowing! I had a temp of 42.6, no infection and I felt okayish within five days but felt like awful flu. I'm not taking any chances though

Well in the end he did a doorstep drop off of the gift and left dc at home with me.

And today dc2 has been told they need to self isolate for 14days again due to classmate testing +ve.