DM, childcare. Was I unreasonable?

[T33l9]

My mother was a recovering alcoholic with many months of sobriety under her belt and was doing brilliantly. I trusted that those days were behind her. She was never a "wake up and drink every day" type of alcoholic, but a binge drinker.

I was offered a little part time cleaning job that conflicts with my OH's job so he wouldn't be able to have the children, my mother was insistent I take it. It's only 8 hours a week.

"it will be good for you to have some time away from the children, it'll be good for your mental health, go on - do it. I'd love to spend more time with the children. I'll have them. Please, do it. Think how lovely that little bit of extra money will be at christmas"

So I reluctantly took the job and even started to get excited about it.

Week 1 all goes great, the children are happy that grandma comes to sit with them at my place for 4 hours 2 days a week.

Week 2 she's decided to start drinking again, after months of being dry. She turned her phone off and left me in the lurch. Not so much as a phone call to tell me she isn't coming and has screwed me over with work.

What I want to know is was I unreasonable to trust her in the first place? I'm upset, at both her for doing this to us and myself for being such a fucking idiot.

To add: she has never drank around my children and wouldn't. I would never leave them in the care of somebody who is drunk or drinking.

YABU - you shouldn't have trusted her in the first place

YANBU - she has let you down, she's in the wrong.

I think you’re both in the wrong. You for trusting her and not sounded very sympathetic and her for succumbing to her addiction again.

I have compassion fatigue as far as her drinking goes.

I've supported her alot over the years as have many others, me to my detriment. I can no longer sympathise with somebody whos selfishness negatively impacts my life.

The trust I afforded her this time was the last straw.

Then dont have her childmind

Neither of you are 'wrong'. Its unfortunate you trusted her and she let you down. It's sad she's back in the grip of her addiction. Maybe she felt overwhelmed at being relied on or 'having' to fulfill a commitment, I obviously don't know but maybe you could both talk and clear the air and see if she can get back on track. Obviously don't rely on her again though.

I can't say you were unreasonable - you wanted to believe in her and she was insistent, but your trust was misplaced and maybe it was too soon into your mother's recovery.

Your mother is definitely in the wrong for letting you down - but that is the way of addicts.

You weren't unreasonable. A little unrealistic and over-hopeful maybe, but that happens sometimes when we live with alcoholics in our lives.

You gave her a chance, she let you down. Now you know that you can never trust her, no matter how long she is sober, and you won't make the same choice again.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

She did a sterling job of convincing me that the drink was a thing of the past.

She had many opportunities to drink over the months but chose not to. All evidence pointed towards her having changed.

She guilt tripped me into letting her watch the children, citing how good it would be for her aswell.

I'd have been less upset had she bothered to call me and say she had either changed her mind or can't do it, instead she just screws me over and leaves me having to explain to work that I can't come in and may not be able to again.

Well both. You shouldn't have trusted her. But she's in the wrong for letting you down.

I've definitely taken from this that she can never be trusted or relied upon again. It took a long time for me to get to the stage where I'd feel comfortable letting her look after the children.

Bloody depressing.

I don’t think you should be hard on yourself for trusting her. It might have been very dispiriting for her if you had refused to let her help you. She might have thought “what’s the point when even my dd doesn’t believe in me.” Something people rise when you put faith in them.
It’s just one of those difficult situations where there was no ‘right’ answer. You erred on the side of faith and kindness. She has let you down but she still, in her own way, protected your children by staying away. It’s not good enough but it’s not nothing.

Thank you. I have been kicking myself alot this morning.

It looks like i'd better brace myself for the old normal resuming again. Worrying if she's sustained another head injury from falling when she turns her phone off and goes AWOL for a week at a time. Wondering if she's dead.

There is no peace when she does this, the uncertainty and stress ripples through the whole family.

After countless head injuries and falls I really thought she had seen the light this time.

So this is my life now, again, until she passes away. Wonderful

My dad is an alcoholic. It's really hard not to have hope for change OP. Realising he was never going to protect me from being let down and I had to do that for myself was hard but key for me. I also think you can't completely dismiss their genuinely wanting to help you - so your mum may have been being honest and really meant she wanted you to be able to work and to spend more time with your kids - but couldn't follow through because it meant not drinking.

It's shit. Please don't blame yourself.

PPs are being unecessarily harsh .

Sorry it didn't work out OP

Thank you Bloatstoat, I'm sorry you have been there with your dad too

Yes she's full of good intentions in the moment she makes the promises.

She will contact me within the next few days wanting money for cigarettes and I'm going to tell her to leave me be and that I'm not helping her any more.

At the very least she could have called and told me she can't make it, instead she just turned her phone off and left me unable to give work ample notice and two children here expecting grandma. Alcohol makes people selfish beyond measure. I hate it and I hate who it turns people into.

Thank you too Story x

I feel for you and understand the compassion fatigue thing.

My mum is in same position and currently not drinking, which means we all pretend everything is fine and that she wasn’t really lost on benders quite recently.

I have a new baby and she keeps offering to babysit or do nursery pickups when he starts nursery.

Both my sisters STILL use her for childcare, probably because there are times when they don’t have much choice and it’s easy to pretend she’s fine.

I’ve had to vow to myself that whatever she says or how long it’s been, she can NEVER be in solo charge of my baby.

I’m sorry your mum let you down like that, and I know how complex and shitty it is.

Totally understandable that you wanted to trust her. You were not unreasonable at all. Technically, she was in the wrong, but you already know, all too well, how complex addiction can be.

I’m so sorry for both you and your mum. I hope she gets the help she needs to stop drinking.

You weren’t being unreasonable, her reasoning was right. It will be good for you and your children to be apart, the extra money would be useful and 8 hours a week sounds a perfect amount of time for grandma duties.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out but at least you know you have tried.

I'm sorry you can relate too Livid. I wouldn't wish an alcoholic mother on anybody. I think you've done right to impose the blanket 'no childcare' with your mum, I wish I had done the same and not given her the benefit of the doubt.

Blind hope is a bugger.

Thank you ChazP, unfortunately she's had all of the help available bar rehab.

Counselling, alcohol and drugs misuse service and support, my support and that of another relative, the final hope was tablets which she has been on for some time and seemed to work well until she discovered that she won't actually die from drinking on them and started up again.

Our family doesn't have the money to put her through private rehab and if we did we wouldn't waste it on that as we (and now i) have realised that she doesn't actually want to stay sober because she enjoys drinking.

Thank you Fairy

I was really looking forward to it. My mental health hasn't been fantastic and I've had PND, not helped by the stress she has caused me, and it was a sense of me regaining a sense of self. As silly as that sounds for a little cleaning job.

She was wrong to encourage you to make decisions based on her sobriety and you were wrong to count on it. This isnt about "trust" this is about addiction.

I hope you find some way of continuing with your job.

Hi OP. Please don't be angry at yourself. I think most people would want to believe that someone can change, and especially your mother.
You made the decision based on her proving that she has made a change.
So for that you shouldn't feel like your judgement was off.
Now that she had proved she cant be trusted, you have a definite sense of judgment.

What I want to know is was I unreasonable to trust her in the first place?

No. A very close friend had an alcoholic and neglectful mum who had been 40 years a drunk.

When she let her DM look after her DD (with strict limitations at first) I thought she was utterly mad.

DM got loads better, became a reliable and doting grandma and they were reconciled in the years before DM died.

You did nothing wrong by giving her a chance, shame she wasted it.

YANBU. She's your Mum, of course you wanted to believe she could be trusted to put out you and her DGC first. Addicts can be very convincing, they are so used to lying to themselves that the assurances and promises just seem to roll off the tongue.

I think you are right to resolve not to depend on her for childcare again, whatever she might say. But don't beat yourself up for what happened. It's painful enough loving an alcoholic without blaming yourself on top.