DM, childcare. Was I unreasonable?

[T33l9]

My mother was a recovering alcoholic with many months of sobriety under her belt and was doing brilliantly. I trusted that those days were behind her. She was never a "wake up and drink every day" type of alcoholic, but a binge drinker.

I was offered a little part time cleaning job that conflicts with my OH's job so he wouldn't be able to have the children, my mother was insistent I take it. It's only 8 hours a week.

"it will be good for you to have some time away from the children, it'll be good for your mental health, go on - do it. I'd love to spend more time with the children. I'll have them. Please, do it. Think how lovely that little bit of extra money will be at christmas"

So I reluctantly took the job and even started to get excited about it.

Week 1 all goes great, the children are happy that grandma comes to sit with them at my place for 4 hours 2 days a week.

Week 2 she's decided to start drinking again, after months of being dry. She turned her phone off and left me in the lurch. Not so much as a phone call to tell me she isn't coming and has screwed me over with work.

What I want to know is was I unreasonable to trust her in the first place? I'm upset, at both her for doing this to us and myself for being such a fucking idiot.

To add: she has never drank around my children and wouldn't. I would never leave them in the care of somebody who is drunk or drinking.

YABU - you shouldn't have trusted her in the first place

YANBU - she has let you down, she's in the wrong.

It's a shame things turned out the way they did. I don't think anyone is to blame. Alcohol in your mother's case Is an addiction. At least your mother was responsible enough not to attempt childcare when drinking.

"I agree counselling will be helpful, once the pandemic is under better control I will refer myself"

Do consider reaching out to Al-anon today; they are very helpful to people affected by another person's drinking.

Link is here:-
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

@Viviennemary

It's a shame things turned out the way they did. I don't think anyone is to blame. Alcohol in your mother's case Is an addiction. At least your mother was responsible enough not to attempt childcare when drinking.

Oh she was going to attempt it, at 3pm I had her on the phone drunk saying she was coming after a coffee.

Had I not told her to stay away she was fully intending to come, which upsets me further as she knows I'm zero tolerance around the children.

Thank you Atilla I'll have a look.

I've joined a bunch of al anon Facebook groups today.

You may also want to read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

You wanted to believe things could be better. That’s normal, not unreasonable. Just sad. Also, for future reference, you can’t trust her not to drink around the children. She’s an addict.

I realise now that I can't trust her not to drink around the children, as she's shown me from that phonecall that she fully intended to come drunk.

Sadly as you see from one of my previous replies I said I trusted her not to drink around them, so that's another blow.

I'm hopeless naive it seems.

I'll definitely look for the codependent no more book, thank you. I suffer terribly with it and that has spilled into other interpersonal relationships, I'm terrified of abandonment.

I once thought I was borderline, based largely on my fear of abandonment, my lovely therapist at the time (who I was seeing for a separate trauma) reassured me that I wasn't and told me about codependency. I research it a fair amount but can't seem to break the hold it has.

The joys of alcoholic parents.

@T33l9

I have compassion fatigue as far as her drinking goes.

I've supported her alot over the years as have many others, me to my detriment. I can no longer sympathise with somebody whos selfishness negatively impacts my life.

The trust I afforded her this time was the last straw.

Your feelings are understandable, but imho under the circumstances, taking her up on the childminding offer was unrealistic.

The point is she cajoled and persuaded you to take the job on the premise that she would do childcare.

It isn't as if you decided on the job and then begged your Mum to do it.

She has massively let you down.

I would be furious. And tell her so. And not help when she comes wanting cigarettes etc. After all, how can you afford that since you are not able to do your job?

I know alcoholism is a disease and being an alcoholic is not her fault but she can't expect you to trash your life in the slipstream of her condition.

And given that she had been doing so well, and she wanted you to take the job, I don't think you did wrong taking her at her word.

Don’t beat yourself up about what has happened. You trusted your dm and she let you down. At least she wasn’t drinking around your children.

Shes the one that has lost out as she’s ruined any future chance of babysitting.

I was really looking forward to it. My mental health hasn't been fantastic and I've had PND, not helped by the stress she has caused me, and it was a sense of me regaining a sense of self. As silly as that sounds for a little cleaning job.

It doesn't sound at all silly, she's let you down badly.

Your desire for her to be better is completely understandable

Everyone would feel the same

Until they got let down again.

You know (now) in your heart of hearts what she is and you know that booze will be the first choice over and over and nothing and nobody will change that

I’m sorry, you must be so hurt.

Oh OP I'm sat in here tears for you with flash backs to my childhood. I read somewhere recently this, which explained it perfectly to me. When an alcoholic parent starts drinking again (they are always going to be alcoholics) the effect on the child/children of any age is likened to having your heart broken time and time again.

Please, you did nothing wrong and I am so very sorry you're going through this with the now added stress of knowing she's 'out here' somewhere drinking again with all the added risks. Sending lots of hugs x

out there, not here....sorry

Is there anyone at all who could change their shift pattern so you keep this job? As you said it’s so important for sense of self.

It’s an illness, OP. You weren’t wrong to trust her, but at the back of your mind should (maybe) have been an awareness that she is only a few months sober. This was always going to be a possibility.

YABU to not have foreseen this.

Hi op I don't think you did anything wrong, you wanted to give her a chance, and she had a few months sobriety behind her. Only she is to blame for this and I say this as someone who has personal and professional experience of alcoholism. I think people have been a bit harsh on you. It backfired but that's ok you have learnt the limits of your mum's ability.

Does your DM speak to you about becoming sober or acknowledge the effects and hurt she causes you, yes addiction is very tough but it is all on her. I am sorry you are going through this and the worry that one day she may fall and really hurt herself.

Some really supportive replies thank you, I appreciate it.

I can see where those of you are coming from when you say I should have seen it coming/expected it, I wanted to believe things would be different this time so gave her the benefit of the doubt.

RE is there anything I can do to keep the job: it doesn't look that way unfortunately.

There are a few hurdles to paying for a child minder, the main one being DS has quite high care needs due to his disabilities and I'm not all that comfortable leaving him with people he doesn't know.

Also monetary, I only earn £9ph so i would be paying out more in childcare than I actually earn. It's not a job where there is opportunity to move up so I would be actually paying to clean.

OH's hours are non negotiable unfortunately so he can't help, as much as he feels for me and wishes that he could.

It looks like I'll have to chalk this one up as a lesson learned.

She occasionally talks of sobriety yes, during the early days of her recent months of abstaining she seemed fairly motivated but as time went on she just seemed bored.

As much as alcoholism is a disease, and I know it is, mum truly enjoys drinking.

She never seems to reach rock bottom because if it's not me pulling her up then it's her sister who bails her out with money and so on. She has never been left to feel the consequences of her actions.

It was only last week I was saying to her how proud I was and how well she was doing. I spoke far too soon!

I wanted to believe things would be different this time so gave her the benefit of the doubt

Giving the benefit of the doubt to an alcoholic is almost always a mistake!

I feel for you OP. My mum is at minimum a "problem drinker", probably an alcoholic but very much a binge drinker. Throughout my childhood I just never knew when she's find an excuse to get absolutely fucking rat arsed. Not every day, but generally a couple of times a week and she was incapable of a couple of drinks - it was generally 3/4 of a bottle of vodka just sitting at home. Or she'd go to a work type event and I'd have to carry her out of the taxi (sometimes picking her off the floor). We had the falls too - no you did not slip on the ice, you broke your coccyx falling down the stairs pissed - and she was also abusive when drunk. Anything was an excuse.

We're NC now, I finally just had enough (she's a narcissist too and that was actually what broke me) but before that I had the begging to do childcare. I only ever let her look after DD in our house where there was no alcohol and in the evening when she'd be mostly asleep. She demanded to do regular childcare, insisted it should be 50/50 with her and MIL. I just couldn't and wouldn't do it.

She hasn't even met my youngest. Thankfully my eldest never really bonded strongly with her - she's very astute and since we went NC has made a few comments that have made it clear they'd never have been close anyway.

You and your kids are better off away from it. It's incredibly hard to give up on a parent and people who haven't been there don't understand. The most annoying phrase must be "but she's your mum." Yes, sadly she is.

StatisticallyChallenged, your mum sounds very similar to mine in this respect:

My mum is at minimum a "problem drinker", probably an alcoholic but very much a binge drinker. Throughout my childhood I just never knew when she's find an excuse to get absolutely fucking rat arsed. Not every day, but generally a couple of times a week and she was incapable of a couple of drinks - it was generally 3/4 of a bottle just sitting at home

She can go for days at a time without touching a drop, but then she'll have "one" and it'll turn into a three day binge.

She has been known to go a week without booze many times, no physical withdrawals and she can go about her days as normal, then decide to drink for 3 or 4 days in a row.

This pisses me off more than it would if she did get the shakes on a daily basis, because it shows me that she can cope without it.

Mine isn't a narcissist thank god (you have my sympathy, I used to be in a relationship with one and they're awful people) but she's incredibly selfish, immature and childish.

I'm really pleased you found your peace in the form of NC, it feels impossible for me to get to that place but I hope one day I find the strength.

I posted on an al-anon Facebook group this afternoon with 35,000 members in and I was the only recent post with not one reply whilst others had 50 - 100+

I've deleted it now as I feel embarrassed.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. You have nothing to feel bad about and you are not ‘hopelessly naive’. I cannot imagine what you are going through but i would be devastated at being let down like that. I’m sorry about the job, hopefully you will get the support you need to detach yourself without feeling guilty. Your mum has let you down badly and it must have been really upsetting at the realisation. I hope you can put yourself first and find a way to get through this.

You are only wrong in taking any chance with your children and an alcoholic. I stay optimistic about my own alcoholic parent and have kept him in my life and my child’s life, but I would never leave him alone with my child. My parent is even a functional alcoholic, but I will never risk my child experiencing anything like my childhood.