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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM, childcare. Was I unreasonable?

91 replies

T33l9 · 17/10/2020 10:18

My mother was a recovering alcoholic with many months of sobriety under her belt and was doing brilliantly. I trusted that those days were behind her. She was never a "wake up and drink every day" type of alcoholic, but a binge drinker.

I was offered a little part time cleaning job that conflicts with my OH's job so he wouldn't be able to have the children, my mother was insistent I take it. It's only 8 hours a week.

"it will be good for you to have some time away from the children, it'll be good for your mental health, go on - do it. I'd love to spend more time with the children. I'll have them. Please, do it. Think how lovely that little bit of extra money will be at christmas"

So I reluctantly took the job and even started to get excited about it.

Week 1 all goes great, the children are happy that grandma comes to sit with them at my place for 4 hours 2 days a week.

Week 2 she's decided to start drinking again, after months of being dry. She turned her phone off and left me in the lurch. Not so much as a phone call to tell me she isn't coming and has screwed me over with work.

What I want to know is was I unreasonable to trust her in the first place? I'm upset, at both her for doing this to us and myself for being such a fucking idiot.

To add: she has never drank around my children and wouldn't. I would never leave them in the care of somebody who is drunk or drinking.

YABU - you shouldn't have trusted her in the first place

YANBU - she has let you down, she's in the wrong.

OP posts:
Thatwentbadly · 17/10/2020 12:49

I think you were naive to assume she is now sober especially after only a few months of being sober. But I can see why you wanted it to be true.It’s not the same but my mother has long term issues and is in and out of hospital, requiring care etc and it’s relentless and I never feel like I can fully relax. I can empathise with your situation.

cuddlymunchkin · 17/10/2020 12:52

Don't be so sure she's not drinking round your children.

HopeClearwater · 17/10/2020 12:57

@SimplyPizza clearly you know nothing about alcoholism

PhoneAddict · 17/10/2020 12:58

You gave her a chance OP, don't be too harsh on yourself.

I know how disappointed you must feel, and with a Dad who is an alcoholic, who's had access to every support going, including rehab (twice) I do understand the compassion fatigue and constant wonder of 'what incident is going to happen next'. Honestly I can see you're trying your best.

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2020 13:01

@T33l9

Thank you. I have been kicking myself alot this morning.

It looks like i'd better brace myself for the old normal resuming again. Worrying if she's sustained another head injury from falling when she turns her phone off and goes AWOL for a week at a time. Wondering if she's dead.

There is no peace when she does this, the uncertainty and stress ripples through the whole family.

After countless head injuries and falls I really thought she had seen the light this time.

So this is my life now, again, until she passes away. Wonderful Sad

Or you go NC?
Original poster
T33l9 · 17/10/2020 13:02

I can say for certain she has never drank around my children, I would be able to tell.

Her voice changes after just one drink and if i can tell so easily over the phone, she certainly wouldn't be able to disguise it in person.

She is what is described as a light weight, a low functioning drunk, she can't handle it let alone mask it.

OP posts:
Original poster
T33l9 · 17/10/2020 13:05

Thank you for the kind comments and telling me not to blame myself.

Yes we always have hope, children of alcoholics. Painfully so.

Or you go NC?

I have tried, many times. I've found that going NC does nothing to eliminate the stress and anxiety her condition causes, in fact I would go as far as to say it causes more worry because when she goes on binges she hurts herself.

Try as I might I cannot distance myself enough so that I'm not affected, because even if I moved across the country I would still be waiting for that call to say she's had a serious accident / passed away.

OP posts:
Original poster
T33l9 · 17/10/2020 13:11

Codependent is the term so I'm told.

OP posts:
shreddednips · 17/10/2020 13:51

Oh OP, I'm so sorry Sad I know exactly what you mean about sympathy fatigue, that's such a good way of describing what it feels like. My dad has been sober for years now but I can remember finding it so difficult to find compassion for him because even though it's an illness, the experiences I went through were traumatising when he was drinking.

You weren't silly for accepting her offer- as a PP said, it could have gone the other way and worked out really well for everyone. It's so frustrating for you that she has started drinking again. I'm sure someone else mentioned it but have you had any counselling to help you process this? I found it really helpful, especially with coming to terms with the sort of grief that I don't have a 'normal' parent/child relationship with him, and that it will impact his relationship with DS too.

Lollyneenah · 17/10/2020 13:59

I'm sorry OP Flowers I could have written your post, my mum is the only person that I let let me down over and over again. Anyone else gets shut right out and kicked to the curb but I've a real blind spot for the woman.

You cant rely on her, that's the simple truth of it. No doubt that she loves you and her dgc but addiction is the most selfish disease going and you'll never beat it.

I cant tell you how many times mine has forgotten me or cancelled or given shitty excuses or snuck off, it still hurts.

I hope you manage to find something that works for you and DH soon Cake

Lollyneenah · 17/10/2020 14:02

And sympathy fatigue is a brilliant way of putting it! Mine recently diagnosed with AFIB triggered by drinking and honestly I dont feel a single thing about it

Original poster
T33l9 · 17/10/2020 14:52

It's both comforting and sad that there are several others here who have gone through the same thing. Thank you for the solidarity and I'm sorry you've had to deal with the same.

I agree counselling will be helpful, once the pandemic is under better control I will refer myself.

I was supposed to be at work in an hour but I'm sat here, in a crappy mood, listening to self help videos on YouTube about how to detatch and go NC.

I've done this many times before but always let my guard down again. I think proper therapy will help strengthen my resolve.

I'm quite ashamed to say I've said on more than one occasion "only when she's dead will I get any peace from this"

I know some of you will understand, I also know I'll sound dreadful to those who don't.

OP posts:
Justwingingmotherhood · 17/10/2020 14:58

I dont no how you would be the unreasonable one. No matter how old we are we should always be able to rely and trust her mother. She is utterly selfish.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/10/2020 15:03

My DM is a recovering alcoholic, it's her 8 year anniversary next month of not drinking, she was a very very heavy drinker and it almost killed her.

A couple of months is nothing, it's fantastic that she had initially managed it but it was far too soon to think that she'd stopped drinking - it's a life long thing.

I trust my DM now (as much as I can) and would if I had children but I don't think I'd ever put myself into a position of relying on her to do something.

Alcoholism is such a horrible thing.

Original poster
T33l9 · 17/10/2020 15:05

She's just answered the phone, slurring her words, drunk and said she's going to make her way here after a coffee.

Like hell she is.

I've told her in no uncertain terms to stay away.

Unbelievable.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/10/2020 15:07

I'm so sorry OP Flowers I don't know what else to say, being a child of an alcoholic is awful

Original poster
T33l9 · 17/10/2020 15:08

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

My DM is a recovering alcoholic, it's her 8 year anniversary next month of not drinking, she was a very very heavy drinker and it almost killed her.

A couple of months is nothing, it's fantastic that she had initially managed it but it was far too soon to think that she'd stopped drinking - it's a life long thing.

I trust my DM now (as much as I can) and would if I had children but I don't think I'd ever put myself into a position of relying on her to do something.

Alcoholism is such a horrible thing.

Genuinely, well done to your mum. I'm so pleased she managed to beat it.

I have respect for those who do, just none for my own mother at the moment as letting me down is her speciality.

With hindsight I do agree a few months is nothing, Its just that I've been holding out hope for those few months and desperately wanted to believe she'd done it.

I'm at a cross roads with regards to my children having contact now. They know her and love her but I don't want to expose them to the crap I have to put up with and she has already let them down so much.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 17/10/2020 15:09

Watching the children and then having the responsibility of that are two very different things.

Knowing your mum as you do, you should have known this may be too much for her, and indeed it was so you have to bear some responsibility I am afraid

BloggersBlog · 17/10/2020 15:12

Have you siblings to share this all with? All sounds so hard for you to cope with.

Even though I don't have this with my parents, you saying you will only have peace when she is dead doesn't sound awful. It sounds very understandable

Original poster
T33l9 · 17/10/2020 15:15

See, I didn't think it was too much for her.

During her sober months she has wanted to spend alot of time with them, often encouraging me to let her watch them whilst I: go shopping, go for a jog etc.

Often times I say no that's ok, I don't want to impose that on her, but she insists.

She regularly asks me if she can look after them. I never ask her to.

When she has had them, at my house, so I can go to the shops or wherever, there has been no problems. I return to happy, well fed kids and an upbeat mother.

If there was any indication she wasn't going to manage it I wouldn't have accepted.

OP posts:
Original poster
T33l9 · 17/10/2020 15:16

I have a maternal half brother who has pretty much no contact with her. I wouldn't want to offload on to him as he's had more than his fair share of crap from her sadly - in the form of abandonment.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 17/10/2020 15:17

@ChazP

Totally understandable that you wanted to trust her. You were not unreasonable at all. Technically, she was in the wrong, but you already know, all too well, how complex addiction can be.

I’m so sorry for both you and your mum. I hope she gets the help she needs to stop drinking.

That says what I wanted to say. No one's in the wrong really.
rosie1959 · 17/10/2020 15:17

A few months is very early in sobriety
I had a few false starts at it hope your mum gets there I now have nearly 15 years and my Grandchildren have never seen me drink

Sciurus83 · 17/10/2020 15:21

Ah love this isn't your fault, and I'll bet you've had years of thi don'tbe hard on yourself. People say Al-Anon is a good resource for families of addicts maybe try them. I hope you manage to sort some other childcare and keep your job and sorry you are in this position Flowers

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/10/2020 15:25

Hindsight is all well and good but I understand completely the hope you had and how desperate you get for them to stop.

My DM didn't do it first time around, there's always hope for your Mum but put yourself and your children first. Do what you feel you need to do where it's NC or limited contact or whatever.