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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry & bitter

66 replies

Brunchickle · 16/10/2020 19:00

Work-related. Went for a promotion for a senior position in my field after taking on a newly created post. Worked really hard to establish the role, put in place operational practice, essentially crafted the job, created the blueprint. Was asked lots of searching questions at interview, how would you do this etc etc........only to be rudely informed via a curt phone call a few days later that I was unsuccessful. I say rude, because the person who interviewed me even went as far as to call me out on some of the work I’d done; “........you secured a lot of money, as you say you did.” Then added that she wasn’t sure I’d even done the work myself!!! Or whether other partners had done it!! How fucking rude!!!

Anyway, job was given to someone who knew nothing about the field or the role; & that person then came to me tapping me for knowledge. I am so, so pissed off. This person later tried to soften the blow by calling me “an expert in the field,” and she also told me she knew I delivered in operational terms. This happened a few years back, and whilst some might say suck it up & get over it, essentially it’s fucked my career. I’ve been kept at a low level in a subsidiary post whilst others, who started after me & have no experience whatsoever in the field are seemingly promoted by said person with alarming regularity.

I am so hurt by this experience. I don’t understand why this has happened, and what more I could have done. AIBU to feel like this? And what do I do from here? She’s effectively slammed the door in my face. I am gutted. She managed to drain me of all my ideas for good practice as well, & then used this knowledge to roll the job out on a wider scale.

My confidence has been shattered & I’m so, so angry, at her, & myself, as I believe I’ve been used & wrung our to dry.

OP posts:
Youandmeareluckytobeus · 16/10/2020 19:12

I don't mean to offend but just wondering what your self-awareness is like. If you look at yourself can you think of any valid reason why you didn't get the job?

What are your people skills like?
Do you get on well with people or rub them up the wrong way?
Are you too outspoken/direct?
Are you too timid or a pushover so have given the impression you wouldn't be able to manage a senior role and the management and delegation skills it needs?
Have you applied for other promotions since? Do they realise that you have ambition?

If you really can't think of anything then why don't you go and talk about how you feel about things with this person and ask them what you need to do to be promoted.

Ask if there is anything you can do to improve your chances or indeed if there is anything you need to address.

Holding on to bitterness and anger won't be doing you any good.... and could be putting people off promoting you because you won't be coming across as a happy, helpful, confident worker.

slipperywhensparticus · 16/10/2020 19:15

Get a job in a different place

If you didn't get the job why would you help the person who did?

CSIblonde · 16/10/2020 19:16

You were too useful where you were. Its really common.I'd move companies. They've labeled you as that one thing. Another company won't.

MrsGrindah · 16/10/2020 19:20

But you have no entitlement to the role. You sound v bitter and angry. It’s understandable to be disappointed but they are allowed to appoint the best candidate in their opinion.

tara66 · 16/10/2020 19:25

Can you leave and get another job else where?

FuzzyPuffling · 16/10/2020 19:25

This happened to me too and it is a really hurtful experience. I feel for you.

In my case I got a new job (much better), the person appointed ahead of me burst into tears and said "what am I going to do without you" and the CEO apologised in my exit interview for appointing her. Small victories.

My career stormed ahead after that. Onward and upwards OP.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/10/2020 19:29

This happened a few years back

Seriously?

If it's a few years ago, you should, by now, have got feedback on that role, taken it on board & moved ahead, or left for another opportunity elsewhere.

The bitterness & excessive rumination is doing you no favours, and I can be certain, is coming across to your managers.

I would imagine there are a number of issues at play here, not least your sense of entitlement to the role.

You didn't get it. It happens, to everyone, especially when moving into more senior roles.

You need to step away from this & look for another job.

ClementineWoolysocks · 16/10/2020 19:29

Why did you stay with the same company after that experience, what stopped you from applying for similar jobs with a view to advancing?
At this point you've allowed yourself to be treated poorly, being angry about it several years later is on you and no one else.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 16/10/2020 19:31

Its a hard one op. I will answer on two levels:

  1. Folk aren't promoted because they are good at their jobs. They're promoted for political reasons. Always.

For example, people who care about people and have good people skills may be passed over for promotion because the bosses want someone who will cull, gut and cut without any regard for the human beings involved; people who are very competent are often left to languish in junior roles and used to prop up senior staff who are more fun to drink with. It happens all the time. The way to address this is to move jobs and start afresh politically.

  1. Its a job. It isnt your identity. Do you have other sources of self worth? Think about this carefully.
MrsGrindah · 16/10/2020 19:31

Jesus just seen it happened a few years back. Yes seriously you need some help to get over it.

MrsGrindah · 16/10/2020 19:32

Folk aren't promoted because they are good at their jobs. They're promoted for political reasons. Always.

What a load of rubbish.

bethany39 · 16/10/2020 19:33

"Then added that she wasn’t sure I’d even done the work myself!!! Or whether other partners had done it!! How fucking rude!!!"

Are you sure she didn't just mean this as useful feedback for the next interview? I quite often have to drum into people I mock interview to say "I" not "we" did this to make it very clear that you were the person driving things.

Dawninglory · 16/10/2020 19:40

I read it as she probably feels threatened by you,so she keeps you at a lower level. I would look for somewhere else to work if it were me. You should feel good about going to work not crap op.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 16/10/2020 19:45

You dont know your worth which makes you very valuable to any company. I was once v disappointed i didnt get a job at a charity after volunteering. A friend said to me well why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Theyve been milking you since and youve let them. You need some boundaries. The reason is irrelevant really, but its been made clear to you that they like you where you are. So either you can accept it and stay or go elsewhere.

Fatted · 16/10/2020 19:52

Its time to move on OP.

Brunchickle · 16/10/2020 19:56

Yes it is just a job at the end of the day but I was, and am, kinda trapped with this organisation as I have very young children at present. It’s a local job, I went for this interview whilst I was in between children so fell pregnant with my second baby about 6 months after interview. Just hurts as I was trying to invest my skills/energy into the role/the organisation & I did genuinely think I could make it work. I haven’t changed my job as yet because of the children, I need something steady & local.

OP posts:
CoronaIsWatching · 16/10/2020 19:58

Why are you still there? Just stop being a pushover. If that happened to me I would have started looking for other jobs straight away.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/10/2020 19:59

Ok @Brunchickle if you're not going to leave because it suits you for now, lose the negative emotions about something that happened years ago.

Do your job to the best of your ability. Hone your skills & plan your next move. Stop being precious about a job that wasn't yours.

Carrotgirl87 · 16/10/2020 20:02

Seen this happen to a colleague of mine, they also had the nerve to ask her to train the person who got the position. Fucking unbelievable, and I don't think I'd be able to forget about it either.

I'd be looking elsewhere if I were you x

ClaireP20 · 16/10/2020 20:03

I feel for you, this happened to me. I developed the carbon reduction programme for our firm, a heck of alot of work, ensured we followed through on our promise to reduce output. Alot of number crunching, presentations, overseeing changes, with 2 wonderful assistants. My job remained 'project manager'. A 'senior project manager role, focusing on carbon reduction' came up in the same firm. In the same team. A newly developed role, based on the success of my work. My assistant got it. I was devastated. I had, I thought, a great team, worked hard, am a positive and upbeat person. I have since left. However I have often wondered why it was. What did i do wrong. Who knows. There must be a reason though. You know as well as I do that minds are made up before the interview...if it is internal. I will say this, I wormed so hard that I think I became indispensable to my boss. I did this wok but, being a woman I suppose, I was also the one who made coffees for him, wrote minutes for him when his secretary was away...basically I didnt think like a man. Apologies for being sexist.
Coule you have made yourself indispensable in other areas?
Ps what a bunch of arseholes you work for. I feel your pain.. xx

AnneOfQueenSables · 16/10/2020 20:03

If you have to stay with the company, you need to change your attitude. It's not healthy to work in a place where you're still 'pissed off' and calling people 'fucking rude!!!' two years later.

You have two choices. Leave or change your attitude to what happened. Life is too short and you spend too much time at work to spend years raging over a decision.

LostFrog · 16/10/2020 20:08

This shit happens and sometimes it IS personal, your face didn’t fit and that’s that. I think you need to move on, it sounds like for whatever reason your card is marked. I am sorry this happened to you but I do think that a fresh start is needed.

Chocowally · 16/10/2020 20:08

OP can you have an open conversation with her asking these questions (using professional language and approach)?

Ask for a review/objectives meeting or do it informally? Say you’d like to ask her advice eg I saw xx was recently promoted and I’m interesting in following a similar career path, what should I keep doing? What should I stop doing?

Can you self fund some careers advice or a coach? Or ask for that from work?

Can you use your skills in another setting to rebuild your confidence and work with some other people eg join board of a local charity where your skills are relevant or do another type of volunteering eg for PTA

Good luck!

QuiltingFlower · 16/10/2020 20:08

Focus your anger.

What outcome do you want?

Focus. Look forward.

AnaViaSalamanca · 16/10/2020 20:09

A lot of times you are not aware of the role's roadmap and the strategic vision. This was a role you were being promoted into - as you say, and the senior management might have had a different plan for the future of that position, and wanted to find someone who fit better with that vision. Plans and vision that the management might not have shared with you.

A lot of times it's not just the skills to do the job today, but the skills and capacity for future as well. It's unproductive to stay angry and bitter after all these years. Develop your network within the firm, and if it is a toxic environment, get a different job.

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