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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

There is no I in team

94 replies

Noneofmybeeswax · 14/10/2020 15:37

I'm part of a social horse riding team, there are 5 of us and only 4 can ride at a time. We are 4 adults and 1 teenager competing in an adult league. We generally take it in turns to compete but I have the most competition experience so I let the others compete if they can all make it. We qualified for a championship and all of us were free. I let all the others have the slots and said I was happy to be reserve. For me, this team was always about having fun and encouraging people to get out there and try their best.

Unfortunately the teenager now cannot attend (genuine reason and there is absolutely no way round it). This was always highly likely to happen but it has been left to the eleventh hour and now her mum's asked if she can have my prize if we make the placings. (They don't have monetary value but are mementos that I keep.) If she hadn't asked I probably would have given it to her anyway but I feel a bit taken advantage of by initially giving up my place that they knew 2 weeks ago she would be highly unlikely to be able to compete and now being asked for anything we win. I know she's younger than the rest of us so I'm sympathetic but we are an adult team and her mum asked for the teen to join when we asked the mum about joining.
WWYD?

OP posts:

BlueJava · 15/10/2020 12:44

I think the mothers request is ridiculous and I'd be embarrassed if I was her DC. What's the point of a momento of something you didn't do? I'd just reply "no I keep them as a record of my competitions - next time!" and leave it at that. Unless there is a drip feed - like the DD is seriously ill with some awful disease and may not recover I think you should keep it.

KatherineJaneway · 15/10/2020 12:44

Heck no. Kinds need to learn that sometimes you can't get what you want i.e. a prize when you don't complete

KatherineJaneway · 15/10/2020 12:45

Kids even

Callipygion · 15/10/2020 12:46

This

Original poster

Noneofmybeeswax · 15/10/2020 12:47

Yes it's Team Quest.
@BrightYellowDaffodil you've pretty much hit the nail on the head with b. It's the being messed about last minute that's really frustrated me and no hint of an apology for this.
And as the sub I wasn't even asked if I could step in, the daughter asked us if anyone wanted to take her horse to do her class (not allowed in the rules - each rider can only ride once - so it would have to be me that stepped in). There was no awareness from either daughter or teen that anyone was adversely affected by this other than the teen herself.
We are guaranteed a plaque (little plastic memento) for competing and I'm not too fussed by these so I will probably give her that instead but if we do get a rosette I will keep that for myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Noneofmybeeswax · 15/10/2020 12:48

*mother or teen!

OP posts:

Sleepingdogs12 · 15/10/2020 12:49

I am going against the grain here. It doesn't make any sense for her to have it when not competing and you should have it obviously . But you are saying she is a young 16 year old whose mum needed for what ever reason to ask you to allow her in the team , she is having an op and won't compete for 4 months . Her mum again has asked that you give her the rosette again for what ever reason. I would wonder if this 16 year old is struggling as her mum arranged her social life and now having a worse time with the op etc. I don't know , it all seems a bit sad . Yes she could learn a life lesson but she could also get a bit of a boost from a nice thing that you can do for her.

Sleepingdogs12 · 15/10/2020 12:51

I can see that the messing about is annoying though. Helpful I know .

DappledThings · 15/10/2020 12:51

You've got red on you

MilkLady02 · 15/10/2020 12:53

Am I right in thinking the mum is also on the team? You said you approached her and she asked about the teen riding, is this as well as, or instead of the mum? If the mum is in the team, couldn’t she give her daughter her rosette instead?

ducky21 · 15/10/2020 12:58

I wonder if this was the other way around what would happen, if the teen would give you the medal for not being able to compete. No.

TidyDancer · 15/10/2020 13:00

How exactly did the mum phrase it? I'm wondering if you could reply and say something like 'sure, I'll check if the organisers have any leftover that your DD can have' and just blow past the bit where she mentioned your specific one? If she then asked again for yours, that's when you could say 'I keep my rosettes but I'll check for spares' and just don't engage further.

cherrytree63 · 15/10/2020 13:01

I guessed Quest too.
I wouldn't hand over a rosette, but would give up my plaque/ small trophy whatever, I have in the past given the small trophies back to the organisers of local competions, the organisers put so much of their time and money into them I like to help if I can.
There's hours of blood, sweat and tears behind every rosette I've won, not to mention a load of money!
I was with a friend (who competes at a much higher level than me) at a venue that would give you a free hot chocolate if you gave your rosette back, I was that she did that!
I've had sharers before, and they were always very decent and offered any prizes / rosette to me but I never accepted, just took some lovely pics of my horses festooned with ribbons

steppemum · 15/10/2020 13:13

Well I am a little bit sitting on the fence, and the reason is, that from what you have written, I think this compettion is the culmination of all th eprevious wins, so she has ridden and won every week which allowed you to qualify but she can't play the last game as it were, so she has been a contributor all the way through.

So she sort of deserves part of the credit.
Like you OP I would object to being asked, and I would object to being messed around, and her lazy entitlement. If she is competing at an adult level, she needs to understand the adult rules.
But she does have some claim on the prize, it is not exactly as others seem to think - she wants something she hasn't worked for.
It may be the first time she has won something, so feels like a big dela to her.

I think it is very nice of you to offer her the little plaque. Seems like a nice gesture, but not expected, or necessary

Springersrock · 15/10/2020 13:21

Yes, if she hadn't been in any of the qualifying rounds we might not have scored enough points to get into the final.

Could you ask the organisers if there are any spare rosettes or anything?

Something like this happened to my daughter last year. She was part of a team competing in Hunter trials locally. If your team placed in the top 3 in x amount of trials, you could take part in a final.

2 days before the final DD spilt a large cup of boiling hot tea down herself. Horrible burns all across her stomach so she couldn’t ride.

She gave up her place and her pony to another rider - the team came 2nd so she missed out on a trophy and a rosette

I really felt for her, she was gutted but took it on the chin.

One of the other team members very kindly explained what happened to the organisers and they sent DD one of their spare rosettes. It didn’t have the placing or the class on it, but it was really lovely of them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2020 13:24

She’s either old / mature enough to compete on an adult team or she isn’t. The surgery is unfortunate. As you say you already gave your place to her and included her in the team as a favour to her mother. Perhaps the mother needs gently reminding of this.

Sleepingdogs12 · 15/10/2020 13:58

So she couldn't compete in the final of the competition she has worked towards over a number of events because she needed an op that takes a few months to recover from. I find it strange you were going to offer the rosette until her mum asked you. You obviously thought this was the kind thing initially so why not go with that or do you only do kind things when others are suitably grateful? I am not sure I'd want a trophy for something I'd stepped into at the last minute.

QuestionableMouse · 15/10/2020 16:20

@Noneofmybeeswax your horse is gorgeous! Love a Clyde 😊😊😊

Original poster

Noneofmybeeswax · 15/10/2020 17:09

@QuestionableMouse Thanks! That horse is the love of my life, my best friend and my hero.

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