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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There is no I in team

94 replies

Noneofmybeeswax · 14/10/2020 15:37

I'm part of a social horse riding team, there are 5 of us and only 4 can ride at a time. We are 4 adults and 1 teenager competing in an adult league. We generally take it in turns to compete but I have the most competition experience so I let the others compete if they can all make it. We qualified for a championship and all of us were free. I let all the others have the slots and said I was happy to be reserve. For me, this team was always about having fun and encouraging people to get out there and try their best.

Unfortunately the teenager now cannot attend (genuine reason and there is absolutely no way round it). This was always highly likely to happen but it has been left to the eleventh hour and now her mum's asked if she can have my prize if we make the placings. (They don't have monetary value but are mementos that I keep.) If she hadn't asked I probably would have given it to her anyway but I feel a bit taken advantage of by initially giving up my place that they knew 2 weeks ago she would be highly unlikely to be able to compete and now being asked for anything we win. I know she's younger than the rest of us so I'm sympathetic but we are an adult team and her mum asked for the teen to join when we asked the mum about joining.
WWYD?

OP posts:
Janaih · 14/10/2020 19:08

@Anniegetyourgun I said this to my boss on a team building event. The perfect response!
I think I first heard it on peep show.

pinkphone · 14/10/2020 19:12

If you win, could you ask for the organiser for an extra and explain the circumstances?

Original poster
Noneofmybeeswax · 15/10/2020 10:32

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

Why do you always put yourself last? Why are you always letting others compete and only going if someone else cant? Are you one of those always "be kind" and very meek?

It's not charming or nice. It just makes you a pushover. And now you're actually considering giving away a prize if you win when you will very rarely get the chance to have a prize since you're always letting everyone go ahead of you.

Actually, I'm the most confident of the team with much better opportunities to compete solo than the rest of the team. All the others are in their first series of doing this, I'm on my 3rd season and have previously won at an individual championship and have qualified for another after Christmas so I actually go out more than the rest of the team. There 11 levels in our sport from beginner to Olympics; most of my team are competing at level 1, I am on a new baby horse and compete at level 2 (I'm not eligible for level 1 any more) but I have previously competed to level 4. I also managed to acquire a couple of sponsors last year to support my competing expenses. I feel because of all this if I demanded a place on the team when all the others can I would get seen as thinking I'm better than the rest. For me this is a bit of fun and light relief not the serious stuff and I genuinely love supporting and encouraging the rest of them on the journey. I had no objections to having a kid on the team, she wanted to get involved too and that was great but I expected it to be on an equal footing. I used to play team sports before getting a horse and from age 13 was involved in mixed age club matches, we weren't treated any differently to the players who were 2 or 3 times our age (ok, probably encouraged and supported a little more to begin with). I will contact the organisers of the competition and see if, after it's all finished, there are any leftover rosettes we could have/buy off them.
OP posts:
earthycarrots · 15/10/2020 10:34

You would be entitled to the prize. The mum is being ridiculous and the teenager is probably mortified.

WhatWouldJKRDo · 15/10/2020 10:42

I suspect the teen has no idea and the mum is trying to think of ways to offset her daughter’s surgery and missing her sport. Overreaching by the mum.

I’d say no, but that you’ll send her a photo of the team and get well card so she knows you’re all thinking of her.

QuestionableMouse · 15/10/2020 10:52

The person who competes gets to keep any prizes. I'd tell her better luck next time.

LadyCatStark · 15/10/2020 10:53

I think if this is a series of events that is culminating in this final one and she has taken part in a number of them and has nothing to show for it, I’d let her have the rosette.

If this is a stand alone event or each event comes with its own rosettes then not a chance. This is really an extension of “everyone wins a medal on sports day” and it’s not really helpful to anyone.

Florencex · 15/10/2020 10:56

I am another that finds it weird that she would want a rosette if she wasn’t in the competition. It would have no value, monetary or otherwise. I would say no, or just ignore the request.

Brefugee · 15/10/2020 10:59

I always think it's a bit poop when the players who put the time/effort in to get to a final then get dropped in favour of other players.

I also think you're being a bit too kind in always stepping back, turn about would be better for everyone.

Is the reserve an official part of a team? if so there's no reason why there shouldn't be 5 prizes (a rosette i guess?)
Otherwise, up to you.

Cocomarine · 15/10/2020 11:07

You didn’t answer the question yet though - is entry to this event dependent on the previous performances that she contributed to?

That makes all the difference between whether it’s reasonable and meaningful to have a memento from it.

Original poster
Noneofmybeeswax · 15/10/2020 11:24

@Cocomarine

You didn’t answer the question yet though - is entry to this event dependent on the previous performances that she contributed to?

That makes all the difference between whether it’s reasonable and meaningful to have a memento from it.

Yes, if she hadn't been in any of the qualifying rounds we might not have scored enough points to get into the final. At every qualifying round there are rosettes for the competitors so she has already received a memento for every round she has attended.
OP posts:
Tiktaktoe · 15/10/2020 11:26

Am I missing something? There are 3 other team members, can the mother not just ask one of them if the child can have their rosette? It doesn't always have to be you missing out OP.

DollyDoneMore · 15/10/2020 11:27

Are you ten years old? Why do you need a crappy prize for riding a horse?

Original poster
Noneofmybeeswax · 15/10/2020 11:46

@DollyDoneMore I like to embrace my inner child! I didn't have a "pony" as a child so I'm still living out that dream as a responsible grown adult. They aren't prizes in my head, more souvenirs of all the adventures I had with my horse. When the old boy retired I could treasure the memories all over again.

There is no I in team
OP posts:
Etinox · 15/10/2020 11:46

How weird. It would be lovely to send her a token from the event or a ‘thinking of you’ card, but not a rosette.

DollyDoneMore · 15/10/2020 11:54

[quote Noneofmybeeswax]@DollyDoneMore I like to embrace my inner child! I didn't have a "pony" as a child so I'm still living out that dream as a responsible grown adult. They aren't prizes in my head, more souvenirs of all the adventures I had with my horse. When the old boy retired I could treasure the memories all over again.[/quote]
Surely you’ll remember the time you kindly gave up your rosette to an actual child more fondly than the time you kept hold of it to stick with dozens of others?

UseOfWeapons · 15/10/2020 11:58

The mother sounds like a CF!
No, you’re not being unreasonable, if the teen competes with adults, she should be treated as one. Pandering the the CF of a mother would be a no-no as far as I’m concerned 🙃.
Good luck, and have a fantastic day!🤞🏻

LoseLooseLucy · 15/10/2020 12:01

Are you ten years old? Why do you need a crappy prize for riding a horse?

And that response makes you what, 12?

ladybee28 · 15/10/2020 12:08

That is batshit. YANBU in the slightest.

It's weird enough when 'everyone gets a prize just for taking part', but when people get prizes for NOT taking part?

Can I have one of your teammates' prizes?

ShelbyCherryBlossom · 15/10/2020 12:17

I'm shocked that the mother has the audacity to ask you! She needs to be teaching her child the lesson of "if you want it, you have to earn it," she'll make you out to be the unreasonable one if you say no when she's being unreasonable!

It's not the teen's fault she's having an op but she needs to accept that she'll miss out. That's life.

LindaEllen · 15/10/2020 12:19

Absolutely not. What's the point in getting something when you've not earned it?

If she sticks with the team she will get plenty of chances to win prizes in the future, and it will be much nicer for her if she knows she's won because of something she's actually done, rather than because someone else won and gave her the prize.

Surely a prize means nothing unless you win it? A prize represents a win, and if it's not YOUR win, what's the point?

Youandmeareluckytobeus · 15/10/2020 12:28

Is it only you who would get a rosette or the other three too? If you all do I'd suggest the mum give hers to her daughter. Like hell would give away mine.

Children need to learn to cope with disappointments.

Eve · 15/10/2020 12:32

Quest by any chance?

..for those saying you get a prize for taking part - its a recognition of the fact that you were at a championships ! it costs a lot of money time , effort and skill to get there and its winning against a lot of other teams to qualify, its a significant achievement. In riding its common for championships to have plaques or rosettes as recognition of qualifying.

I would keep it myself ( and maybe ask the secretary at the championships if they had a spare you could have - they often are quite helpful)

BrightYellowDaffodil · 15/10/2020 12:37

Fellow dressage rider here (is this Team Quest?). I wouldn’t be happy with giving up my team rosette to someone who a) didn’t actually take part in the competition and b) has dicked about giving last minute notice that they can’t make it.

Christ, I “only” came third in my Novice class at the weekend, should I contact the organisers and say that I’d like a rosette from the PSG class?!

Piglet89 · 15/10/2020 12:38

I played chess with my friend’s son once. He was about 8 and I was about 25.

I beat him and he was like “I am the second winner.” I was like “No, you lost on this occasion but you might win in future”.

Think the teenager’s mum’s request is absolutely ridiculous!

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