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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

There is no I in team

94 replies

Noneofmybeeswax · 14/10/2020 15:37

I'm part of a social horse riding team, there are 5 of us and only 4 can ride at a time. We are 4 adults and 1 teenager competing in an adult league. We generally take it in turns to compete but I have the most competition experience so I let the others compete if they can all make it. We qualified for a championship and all of us were free. I let all the others have the slots and said I was happy to be reserve. For me, this team was always about having fun and encouraging people to get out there and try their best.

Unfortunately the teenager now cannot attend (genuine reason and there is absolutely no way round it). This was always highly likely to happen but it has been left to the eleventh hour and now her mum's asked if she can have my prize if we make the placings. (They don't have monetary value but are mementos that I keep.) If she hadn't asked I probably would have given it to her anyway but I feel a bit taken advantage of by initially giving up my place that they knew 2 weeks ago she would be highly unlikely to be able to compete and now being asked for anything we win. I know she's younger than the rest of us so I'm sympathetic but we are an adult team and her mum asked for the teen to join when we asked the mum about joining.
WWYD?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/10/2020 16:38

"We generally take it in turns to compete but I have the most competition experience so I let the others compete if they can all make it."
I think you should knock this on the head. Take your turns, just like the rest of the team.

marveloustimeruiningeverything · 14/10/2020 16:39

Then it's time for the immature 16 to grow up a little.

Ignore the request.

Cyllie33 · 14/10/2020 16:41

I’m another one who can’t understand why she would want it?

I suggest you ignore and if asked again, say ‘no, I like to keep mementos of events I’ve competed in, we’re looking forward to her competing again’

NandosPeriometer · 14/10/2020 16:42

I've asked my teen and she said if she really wants a medal then she should get one on eBay 😂
It's weird to have a memento which you didn't win

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/10/2020 16:45

[quote Noneofmybeeswax]@BeingATwatItsABingThing 16. But not a "mature" 16[/quote]
Probably because her mum keeps treating her like a toddler.

PleasantVille · 14/10/2020 16:49

[quote Noneofmybeeswax]@BeingATwatItsABingThing 16. But not a "mature" 16[/quote]
Obvioulsy not mature enough to realise that the rosette is for those who compete. No way should one go to someone who didn't actually take part, strange to even ask in the first place

forrestgreen · 14/10/2020 16:51

Nope, I'd ignore the message if possible.

If she asks again I'd say I keep rosettes I've won on display as a lovely memory.

I wonder if it's mum placating the teen, who wants a memory like that "oh here's the rosette I didn't win whilst I was in pain in hospital"

SD1978 · 14/10/2020 16:53

I'd like an Olympic gold medal for swimming please because I used to go to the pool. This is a ridiculous request. You take part (and win) you get a trophy. Anything else sounds utterly daft. I'd also start rotating in more so they don't see you as the stand in but as an actual team member

Trisolaris · 14/10/2020 16:55

This might be her mum trying to make her feel better but as someone who has been through similar, it really doesn’t help. I had to give up a sport at a high level when really sick as a teen and my mum kept getting me signed posters etc and it really made things so much worse as it was constant reminders of the things I couldn’t do. I think you are right to keep it.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 14/10/2020 16:55

Does the teen even want it or does mum for "bragging rights"?

MiddleClassProblem · 14/10/2020 16:55

Why would you want something someone else had won?

But if you were going to give it anyway, I would just do that. If you wanted to keep it, I wouldn’t!

JoJoSM2 · 14/10/2020 16:58

It doesn’t sound like she’s been the star of the team or there’s any reason for her to have the rosette.

I’d tell her mother that I’d sure she’ll have opportunities to compete and get rosettes in the future. Maybe the mother is feeling guilty about the daughter not going? Has she had sth to do with it?

And anyway, the 16 yo will grow up and get more mature if she’s treated normally rather than being given prizes for things she hasn’t done

londonscalling · 14/10/2020 17:27

And if her mum gets annoyed you can gently remind her that you have already given her daughter something ... you place on the team!

Cocomarine · 14/10/2020 17:37

I’d consider letting her have it - you didn’t really answer the question clearly about how much she’d contributed to getting the team to this even. Just said “no more than the rest of us”. So that means, “just as much as the rest of us”. If this is a final and you’re only in it because of her efforts as part of the team - even if you could have got to it without her, she was still part of the prelims - then I’d try to give her a momento, if possible. You don’t have to give yours up... but maybe one of the other 3 might, if they’re not so bothered about collecting?

My daughter is in a netball team that did brilliantly last year. One girl broke her wrist and missed a tournament that they’d reached from previous games. They all made a big thing of her being part of the team still.

NotOfThisWorld · 14/10/2020 17:39

I'd get it if she'd done some of the competing but it sounds like she won't have so what would be the point of her even having it?

okletsdothis · 14/10/2020 17:40

There definitely is an I in team, it's in the a-hole

okletsdothis · 14/10/2020 17:41

And YANBU to say no to this request!

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 14/10/2020 17:44

I'd do something else nice for her, but wouldn't want to give up my prize (assuming the team even places).

Is there any type of token gift/souvenir you could give her from the event or the location? Maybe the team could go together to buy her a get-well/thinking-of-you basket/floral arrangement for when she's recovering from surgery or goes back home from hospital.

Janaih · 14/10/2020 17:49

When I was little you could get replica Olympic medals with tokens from Kellogg's cereals. I took them into school for show and tell and proudly announced how I'd won them all. The teacher went along with it but must have had a good laugh in the staff room later. I'm still cringing 35 years on.
I'm not sure what my point it, but just say no.

Palavah · 14/10/2020 18:41

I agree the request is bizarre, but since you were going to give it to her anyway it seems mean not to do so now.

She can't help needing the op, and being out of action for that long sounds AGES at 16. Shit time to be a teenager too.

Unless you feel you'd treasure it, I'd give her the prize (assuming you make it!)

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 14/10/2020 18:44

Tell the Mother that there's plenty of rosettes for sale on Amazon
No, they're nothing to do with the event, but neither was the daughter.

By taking the place when she was unlikely to attend, had you not been able to drop everything at the last minute to participate in her place, she would have lost the whole thing for the team by her selfishness and stupidity.

MiddlesexGirl · 14/10/2020 18:47

Did she get a rosette for each of the earlier rounds. If so they abu.
If not I can see why they might like a memento. Though if the mother is also on the team it should be her that gives hers up. Especially as it's possible that you wouldn't win with the teenager but would win with you.
This is why I like my sport where there are a couple of extra trophies for the 'reserves'.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 14/10/2020 18:58

Why do you always put yourself last? Why are you always letting others compete and only going if someone else cant? Are you one of those always "be kind" and very meek?

It's not charming or nice. It just makes you a pushover. And now you're actually considering giving away a prize if you win when you will very rarely get the chance to have a prize since you're always letting everyone go ahead of you.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 14/10/2020 18:59

And why did you have a teenager on an adult team just because the mum asked?

It's an adult team.

Does no one have a backbone anymore?

Anniegetyourgun · 14/10/2020 19:03

My favourite response to the quotation in the title is "but there is a U in fuck off". I tried this one on my manager one time. He constantly (but jokingly) refers to it as "the time you told me to fuck off", and I always reply "no, we were just talking about spelling".

I think a ceremonial burning of the trophy is called for. Then nobody gets it. (Bit extreme maybe.)

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