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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want someone to be excited

81 replies

pregnantanon · 12/10/2020 15:48

So I'm currently 19, single and pregnant which although it was a big shock at first, it is what it is and I'm now happy to be having a baby. But, not a single person has had anything nice to say, I've not had a single congrats or anything and actually had a few people straight up say sorry :(

I just don't understand why everyone sees the baby as such a negative thing, especially as I've made it clear that I'm excited. I just wish I someone would share the excitement with me :(

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/10/2020 17:50

I wonder if people's responses are generally neutral rather than negative? I think there's no call to be outwardly rude, none at all and as long as people are not rude then there's no complaint to be laid.

I read thread after thread here where women either feel ignored or intruded upon and have long come to the conclusion that polite acknowledgement is the way to go. I can remember congratulating a good friend at the time who told me she was pregnant - only for her to tell me that she was going to have an abortion and would I just not talk about it.

OP, when you tell people, could you add perhaps that you're thrilled about it? That way, it gives people the nod to offer you congratulations.

Camomila · 12/10/2020 17:52

Congratulations!

The 3 friends from school I know who had babies young (18, 19, 22), things worked out well for all of them. Two have degrees and the other moved abroad and started a business. Now in their early 30s they've got more time for their jobs.

GrandAltogether · 12/10/2020 17:54

I can remember congratulating a good friend at the time who told me she was pregnant - only for her to tell me that she was going to have an abortion and would I just not talk about it.

This is what occurred to me reading the OP's post -- OP, are you bearing in mind that women don't necessarily choose to continue with unplanned solo pregnancies in their late teens, so people may be trying to be very cautious in their responses as they figure out whether you're going to continue the pregnancy?

If you're not making it absolutely clear you're thrilled from the outset, it may explain people's neutrality as they try to assess the situation.

Twigletfairy · 12/10/2020 18:00

Congratulations

Perhaps they're concerned for you, and worried about your future?

Although some people are never really excited about pregnancies. I remember telling my old manager I was pregnant (I was 28 at the time and married), her first response was 'oh, was it planned?'

PeteWicksSexyPirate · 12/10/2020 18:08

Wow some well snooty replies, I see what you mean OP
Fuck them, enjoy your pregnancy
If you’re happy then other people aren’t worth giving another seconds thought!
Take care

Cadent · 12/10/2020 18:10

@PeteWicksSexyPirate which replies have been snooty?

Oneandzero · 12/10/2020 18:14

It is difficult to say congrats because we have no idea about your background.

Perhaps there are very real concerns surrounding your ability to parent, sever mental health issues, terrible financial circumstances, a violent partner.

Ginfordinner · 12/10/2020 18:18

Perhaps the people who are not congratulating you are concerned about how you will manage and are apprehensive that you may have high expectations of help from them?

I think that this ^^ is very much going to be the case, especially if your parents thought that they had left their childcare years behind them.

What has the father said? Is he supporting you?

Naticus · 12/10/2020 18:18

Congratulations 💖

Mintjulia · 12/10/2020 18:21

Congratulations hon. Enjoy every minute.

hettie555 · 12/10/2020 18:27

Congratulations!
Are you conveying how happy you are about the pregnancy when you tell people?
They probably assume you're not pleased and are following your que.

Cadent · 12/10/2020 18:32

And, of course, OP doesn't come back to her thread.

Original poster

pregnantanon · 12/10/2020 18:38

@Ginfordinner

Perhaps the people who are not congratulating you are concerned about how you will manage and are apprehensive that you may have high expectations of help from them?

I think that this ^^ is very much going to be the case, especially if your parents thought that they had left their childcare years behind them.

What has the father said? Is he supporting you?

I don't expect childcare help of my parents and they work full time so it wouldnt even be an option.

The father has decided that he doesn't want to be involved.

OP posts:

Original poster

pregnantanon · 12/10/2020 18:43

@Oneandzero

It is difficult to say congrats because we have no idea about your background.

Perhaps there are very real concerns surrounding your ability to parent, sever mental health issues, terrible financial circumstances, a violent partner.

I am perfectly capable of being a parent, my mental health is fine, I work full time and do uni part-time online- my finances aren't amazing but they're also not terrible, I have never had a violent partner.

OP posts:

Pumpertrumper · 12/10/2020 18:44

OP it sucks that people aren’t excited for you but I have to admit I winced a little reading your post.
I’m 27 and have a 7mo DS. It’s SOOOOOOOOO hard!

The exhaustion, the screaming, the cost!!!

You will do it and you’ll probably do a fab job but I do think a few years from now you’ll understand exactly why people weren’t overjoyed for you when you told them. It’s not about you being pregnant, it’s more about them knowing how hard it’s going to be for you.

A baby is always a job but if my DD was in your shoes I’d be so worried for her well-being.

Pumpertrumper · 12/10/2020 18:45

Original poster

pregnantanon · 12/10/2020 18:48

Thank you for all the congratulations and positive messages :)

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 12/10/2020 18:49

congratulations OP I was 21 when I had my son as a single parent. It set my career back a bit but only a few years and I now have my own home, a great job and a lovely son who is 40 next year. When you have them young you have much more energy and there is plenty of time to get your career going. Best of luck for February.

TheMamaYo · 12/10/2020 18:50

Congratulations! How exciting.

I am a single mother, and it's been like that for a lot of my children's lives. Once you get your head around it and get in a good routine, a lot of it is really great. No one to disagree with on parenting choices!

You can absolutely do this! Have you started shopping yet? When is your next scan?

IsAnybodyListening · 12/10/2020 18:51

Congratulations!!

If it makes you feel better, I had my first at 18. Everyone treated me like crap including the midwifes. (Bar one heath visitor who I saw after giving birth, she was bloody lovely)

Jokes on them though, I'm 38 now, DP and I still together, mortgage nearly paid and 'The biggest mistake of my life' (not my words!) is on track for graduating Uni with a first.

blue25 · 12/10/2020 18:53

Congratulations. That’s fantastic news. Good luck with everything.

SillyCow6 · 12/10/2020 19:00

Huge congratulations!!! I got pregnant at 19 too, midwife was a cow to me and took some family members a long time to come round BUT 15 years later I have a wonderful teenager and another son, happily married to their father, have a degree and about to do further study, have a great future lined up and all my kids will be out of college before Im 50. We did it all with minimal help from any family, even now we sort our own stuff out, unlike family members who had their kids older and cannot manage to do the basics of anything without needing others to mind the kids etc. There is no perfect age or situation to have kids in.

You will be great. Please do get excited and enjoy it!

Worldwide2 · 12/10/2020 19:00

Congratulations! 💐 As long as your happy it's no one else's business.
Winter baby clothes are so cute! You will have fun picking them all out. Enjoy your pregnancy 🤰🏼

CantBeAssed · 12/10/2020 19:12

Congratulations..❤ Are you going to find out what you are having?

wizzbangfizz · 12/10/2020 19:27

Id be gutted if my 19 year old came to me pregnant and single to be honest, I loved my 20s, and you will never get that freedom back and it will hamper (or at least make significantly harder) your career prospects. Best of luck OP but I can well understand the negative reactions

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