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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ghosted by a friend of 20 years?

55 replies

Midlifelights · 12/10/2020 11:47

I think my friend of 20 years has ghosted me- she isn’t responding to any message I send (this has been going on for about 2 months) and when I suggest meeting, no reply. She’s active on Facebook but just no reply to me. I have literally no idea what is going on. I have asked if she’s ok. Nothing.

Aibu to wonder what’s going on? It’s making me feel really paranoid. Anyone else had this happen to them?

It’s all happy lovely posts on Facebook but no reply in real life and I can see she has read my WhatsApp’s.

OP posts:
Cassilis · 12/10/2020 11:49

Don't pander to the silly bint. Block.

Original poster
Midlifelights · 12/10/2020 11:59

I just feel it’s a bit shit after 20 years- at least tell me what the fuck is going on

OP posts:
MrEzraGoldberg · 12/10/2020 12:00

How were things when you last met/spoke? Has there been any disagreements or arguments? If not, then just leave it - it's sad to let a friendship go but if she's not responding to messages there's not much else you can do. It's very rude of her.

Poppyapplebobber · 12/10/2020 12:05

Im going through the same thing with my oldest friend right now, she hadn't messaged me for a couple of weeks then i contacted her, we had a big of a blunt convo and weve not spoken since. Ive not seen her to offend her and we have no mutuals that we both see a lot of so theres been no gossiping. So ive left it, mid thirties were too old for childishness if ive upset her she should say

Original poster
Midlifelights · 12/10/2020 12:09

Last time we spoke, all was fine I think - that’s what’s so weird. If I have done something I would rather know- we are in our mid 40’s FFS not kids in the playground!!

OP posts:
thosetalesofunexpected · 12/10/2020 12:27

Hi just random thought your friend could have emotional health struggles,she does not want people to know about,an just be projecting a false persona on Facebook of herself an her life of being great when her reality does not feel like that, mental health struggles is such a social stigma in our society

standupsitdownturnaround · 12/10/2020 12:29

Sometimes people just have different attitudes to friendships and communication. The lockdown might have made her more withdrawn? Or maybe she just doesn't like messaging.

Original poster
Midlifelights · 12/10/2020 12:33

I mean all of that is fine but surely a ‘I am having a tricky time at the moment’ text would be less rude than just ignoring me!

OP posts:
standupsitdownturnaround · 12/10/2020 12:35

How long are we talking OP? Is it several days or weeks between messages?

Original poster
Midlifelights · 12/10/2020 12:38

Getting on for 2 months

OP posts:
Original poster
Midlifelights · 12/10/2020 12:38

And I have messaged maybe 5 times in that time including last week

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 12/10/2020 12:39

Does she have another half you could contact or a mutual friend?

Original poster
Midlifelights · 12/10/2020 12:40

I don’t know her OH well as it’s a new relationship & have only met him a couple of times so wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that and no mutual friends

OP posts:
CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 12/10/2020 12:41

Not ghosted but I had a friend of 15 years just stop making any effort and taking ages to respond to messages etc. Made me feel like shit, but like that song from the 90s, 'if there ain't no love there ain't no use' so I walked away with my head held high.

HollowTalk · 12/10/2020 12:42

I wouldn't contact her again, not after five messages. Who knows what's going on? It sounds as though she's having an argument with you but it's all in her head. She could be jealous, resentful, bored or anything at all. You can't beat yourself up over a fantasy fight, though. She will love the fact you're bothered - don't let her win on that.

Nikori · 12/10/2020 12:46

A new relationship?

I’d be worried that her new partner may be controlling or something. Or maybe she’s just busy and into him. I’d back off but leave the door open for her to contact you.

puffinsseagulls · 12/10/2020 12:48

She may have something going on in her life that she's not yet ready to share. You need to walk away to protect yourself, because how hurtful keep being ignored. I'd send one last message saying 'I'm not going to message any more because you haven't replied but I'm here if you need me and hope you're okay' and then just leave it at that.

HelplessProcrastinator · 12/10/2020 12:54

My friend of 25 years did this to me. No explanation. We were each other’s bridesmaid, been on holiday together, so many gigs and festivals etc. Just stopped speaking to me. She had been really flaky for a long time leading up to it.

I was really upset but as I had no response to my ‘hope you are OK’ message I have left it that. I have kept my dignity and strengthen some other friendships and I can honestly say I am better off without her in my life. Still hurts though.

RobertaTheGreat · 12/10/2020 12:59

If you value the friendship I would perhaps message again and say you're concerned you haven't heard back from her and hope you haven't done anything to upset or offend her, because you would never intentionally do that. It could be she's struggling at the moment. We're living through strange times which are causing all kinds of mental health issues. Are you much better off? Is your job stable and hers isn't?

Merrythought · 12/10/2020 13:03

Have you been sharing any controversial memes on social media?
I am utterly embarrassed for and disappointed in a friend who keeps posting mask-denial memes and linking to Vernon Coleman’s vids, but I’m not going to engage on Facebook. I’m just stepping back from our friendship for now.

Warpedfrailty · 12/10/2020 13:34

Maybe try a call rather than a message?

It does seem odd as the behaviour is out of character

Mittens030869 · 12/10/2020 13:36

That must really hurt. But I concur with PPs who suggest that the best thing to do is send a final text message saying that you won't contact her again but your door will remain open if she wants to get back in touch. There is the possibility mentioned by a PP that her new partner might be isolating her from friends, and that might have merit. Or else, she's completely loved up and will start contacting her friends again after a few weeks.

Frankola · 12/10/2020 13:37

Ive been in a similar position. I was ghosted by a friend of 15 years.

Looking back she started to disengage with me over a long period of time -starting when my DD was born. She works part time and I was on mat leave for a year and she came to see me once in that time.

She was only interested in seeing me and other friends on drinking nights out, or without the kids. She doesn't have kids herself and I totally understood she wouldn't want to be surrounded by people and their kids all the time but she literally made no effort whatsoever to spend time with me with my DD there.

I met her for coffee about 2 years ago and I came away with the overwhelming sense that the whole point in the meet up was to tell me she reckons im a shit friend. She accused me of ditching her for "mum mates" (this was from me going to soft play - something I doubt she'd have wanted to do!!!).

After that meet up, where she also told me loads of stuff she was going on without so much as an invite, I didnt hear from her again. I sent her a message at Xmas but no reply. So I didnt bother again. She hasn't been in touch either.

Its sad when long term friendships end, but I console myself with the knowledge we are different people now with different priorities.

CatsArePeopleToo · 12/10/2020 13:41

Maybe very bad news regarding health?
Our family friend deleted everyone from her facebook, never responded to any messages or calls, and last month she died. Cancer.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 12/10/2020 13:41

Ghosting is so awful. As you say, just a "sorry I'm being a bit of a recluse at the moment, hope you understand, you haven't done anything wrong" type message costs nothing and seems the least you could offer after 20 years of friendship.