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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ghosted by a friend of 20 years?

55 replies

Midlifelights · 12/10/2020 11:47

I think my friend of 20 years has ghosted me- she isn’t responding to any message I send (this has been going on for about 2 months) and when I suggest meeting, no reply. She’s active on Facebook but just no reply to me. I have literally no idea what is going on. I have asked if she’s ok. Nothing.

Aibu to wonder what’s going on? It’s making me feel really paranoid. Anyone else had this happen to them?

It’s all happy lovely posts on Facebook but no reply in real life and I can see she has read my WhatsApp’s.

OP posts:

reallydisgruntled · 12/10/2020 13:42

Let me ask a question OP. Have you actually lifted the phone to call her or knocked on her door?
"Messaging" just doesn't cut it sometimes...
try calling her

Chevronsoup · 12/10/2020 13:45

Have you broken Covid rules? I've distanced myself from long-time friends this year because of that.

I also let a friendship of 20 years go, I found out she had broken my confidence (more than once) during the most difficult year of my life to date. There was a third friend involved who is incredibly manipulative and seemed to enjoy stoking the embers, I had to walk away. To the outside world it was ghosting but to me it was self preservation. I still miss her, I will always miss her, but the damage is done. I don't miss the manipulator at all. Sadly they come as a pair.

Could you have done something (inadvertently or otherwise) to hurt your friend?

crosstalk · 12/10/2020 13:53

Happened to me after 20 years, met at uni and being bridesmaids to each other - she was part of my family as was her brother who stayed with me for a few years. Was never sure what had happened though she was a mother earlier than I was but we still kept in touch.

InterstellarDrifter · 12/10/2020 13:54

Don’t bother anymore. She either doesn’t want to know or is going through some stuff. She knows where you are and you’ve tried.
This has happened to me with 2 long-standing friends recently. They don’t know each other and both stopped communicating with me in August.
I sent them a couple of messages, even called but the didn’t answer or return my calls so I thought sod that then.
Weirdly, they’ve both been in touch this weekend. One said her mental health has been pretty bad recently due to everything going on and the other friend said her ds did really badly in GCSEs even though he’s bright and would’ve been the type to work his arse off for exams and do well so she has been really down about it and then got ill.
You just don’t know what people are going through sometimes and they might just need space to deal with it.

Collidascope · 12/10/2020 14:02

Have you perhaps been growing apart for a while? Sometimes people just develop in different directions and the friendship doesn't work anymore. A lot of people would rather ghost than have the awkward "sorry, I don't want to be friends anymore" conversation. It might not be very nice for you, but she perhaps doesn't want the confrontation of being open about it.

inchyra · 12/10/2020 14:06

Adults who go in for this type of behaviour are best avoided. High maintenance friendships are toxic.

She’s done you a favour.

PeachesTheFlamingo · 12/10/2020 14:27

A similar thing happened to me with a close friend of 10 years. She got into a new relationship and became distant. It turned out her new partner was controlling but she would not hear a bad word against him. I heard from mutual friends that he had been violent towards her also, but her Facebook account painted a picture of a very happy life. She eventually unfriended me on Facebook and stopped contacting me.

On the other hand, I have a friend who suffers from anxiety and depression. When she is in a particularly bad place, she finds it really difficult to maintain her usual levels of contact. My messages go unread for days, or she'll read them and not reply. I don't take it personally and just offer my support.
I also suffer with anxiety and find that I disengage massively when I'm really suffering. I will literally not reply to friends as I struggle to concentrate and focus on anything that isn't the subject of my anxiety. I don't initially tell my friends that I'm struggling with anxiety as I sometimes find it a bit embarrassing.. but eventually I muster up the courage and I just apologise and let them know I'll be a bit distant for a while as I've got a lot going on.

Your friend could be sitting in either of those scenarios... I would give her some space and see if she reaches out. If not, give her a call or visit her.

fluffums · 12/10/2020 14:30

I would straight up say you're feeling hurt and confused that she's not replied but if there's something going on her end you understand, and apologise if that's the case. Say if she wants you to leave her alone could she let you know and you will, but that as friends of 20 years you hope she would be upfront about if she no longer wants contact. Wish her well and say you're worried.

Eckhart · 12/10/2020 14:39

I've had this happen. My friend created a row over nothing and stormed off in a tantrum, and never spoke to me again. We still work in the same office and I often wonder if anyone notices we don't speak anymore. We use to be as thick as thieves. She was very rude to me at work, but all in silence. Letting doors go in my face, that kind of thing. I've still no idea what happened.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 14:54

Letting doors go in my face, that kind of thing

Anyone petty enough to do this is not worth being friends with, good riddance I say.

Although I do get annoyed by the number of people who seem to think it’s my job to hold the door open for them.

Snorkelface · 12/10/2020 15:09

There was a third friend involved who is incredibly manipulative and seemed to enjoy stoking the embers, I had to walk away. To the outside world it was ghosting but to me it was self preservation. I still miss her, I will always miss her, but the damage is done. I don't miss the manipulator at all. Sadly they come as a pair.

This.

I also did what to the outside world looked like ghosting but it was extracting myself from a shitty dynamic with a wider group. One person constantly manipulating and a couple of others (who I miss a lot) caught in the middle without realising how nasty thing were really getting. In the end I couldn't deal with it any more as it was playing out both professionally and personally. Are you part of a wider group or is it just you and her who are friends?

WhoseThatGirl · 12/10/2020 15:11

Just call her, if she doesn’t answer message and say why are you ignoring me?

PatriciaPerch · 12/10/2020 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sexnotgender · 12/10/2020 15:15

My oldest friend did this to me. Friends for 20 years, she was my bridesmaid. Literally stopped returning messages or anything when I was pregnant. Has never met my son who is 20 months old now. Her loss.

TwilightSkies · 12/10/2020 15:21

Has she ever done anything like this before?
Does she have form for cutting people out for minor grievances?

Plmoknijb123 · 12/10/2020 15:21

Nothing you can do, just move on. Sounds like she doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore. No one owes anyone an explanation. It might be disappointing for you but there’s not much you can do about it.

Toptrumps2020 · 12/10/2020 15:48

As pp have said she might have something going on that means she just doesn't have the headspace to reply to you at the moment.

However, I once almost ghosted a friend who probably wouldn't have understood why it happened. I felt we'd been drifting apart for a while and had very little in common anymore. One day we had a lovely afternoon out, which was unusual, and as I went home, I felt that it would be a good place to just end the friendship. I didn't ghost her in the end, realising that my thinking was very screwed up, but the friendship did natural drift apart soon after. So whilst you might think everything was fine between the 2 of you, you have no idea what she has been thinking.

alongtimeagoandfaraway · 12/10/2020 17:40

I haven’t responded to 2 different friends each of more than 40 years. I’m not ghosting, I’m just finding it really hard to communicate with people beyond the ‘have to’ levels of work and immediate family. I know I need to respond but I’m finding it really difficult. It’s not them ,it’s me, I don’t have the emotional energy to engage.

PatchworkElmer · 12/10/2020 18:00

I think I’d send a final message as others have said, and then leave the door open if you want to. Your other option is to delete her, I guess.

This happened to me with a friend who does have MH issues- I originally messaged saying that the door was always open. 2 years down the line, I’ve just deleted her on everything- so much has happened in my life that I’d feel a bit strange seeing her now, with her not knowing any of it as it happened. It wouldn’t be the way it was, she’s not the only one with stuff going on, and honestly I’m not sure I could feel relaxed in her company again.

Newgirls · 12/10/2020 18:02

Do you know for a fact that her phone number is the same? If it is then I think you have to leave it with her to get in touch

TheZeppo · 12/10/2020 18:06

Been there- oldest friend of over 30 years just vanished on me one day. I know she’s fine, as she still asks my brother to do work for her

Stupid thing is, I’d seen her do it to other people over the years over some perceived slight- so I really should have expected it.

Three years later and it is still painful.

BlueSuffragette · 12/10/2020 18:07

OP sorry that's pretty poor from your friend. I think ghosting is rude and quite cowardly. No wonder you are hurt. You seem to gave tried many times now. Maybe you send one last message saying you are confused and hurt by her lack of responses so far . If you get no joy then I would just try and move on and think that it is her loss.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 12/10/2020 18:23

If it's a new relationship do you think she could be being controlled by him? Or do you think she thought you were coming on to him? It just seems strange timing after 20 years she has a new relationship and drops you so was wondering if they could be connected

KatherineJaneway · 13/10/2020 06:31

Adults who go in for this type of behaviour are best avoided. High maintenance friendships are toxic.

Not necessarily. I ghosted someone after a few years of close friendship. We'd had a bust up earlier in the year when she treated me badly and I told her if she ever did that again that was the end. She did it again. I never replied, just blocked her on everything and never said another word to her.

GoldfishParade · 13/10/2020 07:01

I acted exactly this way with a friend and it caused massive issues between us.

What was happening was after lockdown I began having severe MH problems. My friend like you has also asked me to send a message saying at least that I'm having trouble and cant talk right now but even that felt like a struggle.

At the back of my mind is always the slight pressure that my friend will want a life update and will want to engage me in a conversation about her life and I dont feel up to the task. She will want to tell me about a guy she is dating, or her awesome new job - meanwhile I will need to tell her about the psych team at the hospital. That's impossible to explain to her though.

I feel even if I write telling her I'm going through a bad patch it doesnt change anything, she'll still be waiting for me to get back in touch to explain myself. It has caused arguments before. She may (like you) have felt hurt or confused by not having any sign of life. Equally though when she expresses what you do directly to me I then try to maintain the level of contact she wants and it ends up feeling like a part time job. Once she raised the issue with me our friendship never went back to the way it was before although I appreciate she wanted to get it off her chest.

I dont struggle this way with other friends who are more relaxed. Equally I have one friend who i know has also been through a bit of a tough time this year - normally it can be a few weeks or months for her to respond to me. I don't take it personally, just assume she has stuff going on. I send her a heart emoji or something every now and then to let her know shes on my mind but I dont try and engage her if you get me. I also dont expect her to justify absences - I assume she was depressed.

This was a massive ramble but I guess my point is we all see communicating through a different lens. To you two months seems an age. To me two months isnt that long when a lot of things have been going on? It's all about different personalities. One person is interpreted as selfish. The other is interpreted as harrassful.

The more time passes when you havent been in touch with a friend, the more stressful it is because you start thinking "fuck it has been TWO MONTHS". Yo realise you will need to explain and the longer you put it off the worse it gets - like a small fine building up the longer you ignore the letters.

What have your messages to her been like?

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