To tell my sister a slightly harsh truth?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

My sister's LG has just started pre-school, she's 4, has been 3 times (plus settling in morning), is happy when she's there (according to the teacher) but at home she says she doesn't want to go.

She gives various reasons as to why - she can't reach the coat hook and apparently no one helps her, she can't have juice at snack time only milk or water and she doesn't like getting changed for PE.

DSis at one pick up (and in front of her DD) asked the school if she can take juice in and stay in her uniform for PE - the answer was no to both. She asked them about the coat hook and they said they do help, DN just needs to ask.

DSis also told me that, at drop off, DN cries and Dsis cries too because it upsets her so much. She was meant to go on Thursday but refused to get dressed so they kept her off and her MIL took her for the day.

Anyway I'm a teacher so DSis has asked for some advice. But I teach 14-18 year olds. I know very little about pre-schoolers, who have very different needs and the reasons for not wanting to come to school - and the remedies for that - are very different to that of a 4yo.

however - WIBU to tell her that DN needs a calming force and not a parent sobbing at the school gates? And not to go to the teachers about petty issues - even with teens I find if the parent has the appearance of being on the side of the school it makes a world of difference to the child's attitude. I would also want to say not to make a fuss at home in the morning - a firm "we are going to school get dressed please", not up for discussion type affair (my Dsis is a fantastic mother but very soft, there aren't many boundaries with her DC and I can imagine her trying to persuade her DD rather than telling her).

I always hate being asked this kind of advice as i can't especially relate, I've never been the emotional crying sort over my DC's issues - and I've been lucky as they've always just gone to school with no trouble.

She says taking her out isn't really an option - it's the school she'll go to next year (her older kids are in the same school) and there are barely any other childcare providers with places open where she lives.

would I be a massive dick and shit sister if I told her not to cry, to be firmer and to gloss over non-issues rather than raising them at the school (this may upset her)? Or should I just say sorry I don't know much about pre-schoolers and what makes them tick and I didn't have this with my kids so not really qualified to give advice?

Sometimes little ones don’t have the ability to verbalise their needs to others. Teach your DC the words for how to ask for help with coat hooks, getting changed, etc. “Please (teachers name) could you help me with .......”.

When my children started school I gave them something of mine to give me back at home time (an empty purse, glove, scarf, penny etc) this reinforced the idea I would be back. DC can keep it in their bag, or coat pocket.

Most children are perfectly fine after parent leaves. Don’t worry.

Just tell her you don’t know much about preschoolers and your children were very different.

I would suggest asking your sister what she actually wants to happen. In fact you could start with, in an ideal world, what would be happening? I suspect this could open up baby of the family, losing the last one at home, end of an era stuff, and if so, your sister will be helped by acknowledging all of that and 'mourning' it a little together.

Then, can anything be changed? Since its not the ideal world, what does she reasonably want to happen or achieve? Give her ownership of the difficulties and 'permission' to change things she can control. Eg does this child need to go at all, does she need to go in order to be ready for school (if so what does that process actually need?). Maybe one of the olderchildren can help at dropoff - can you show me your room? Aren't you lucky to have .... ; and then they go to their class. Another Good option with this age group is giving choices - where both are acceptable outcomes. Water or milk. Jumper or cardigan. Take Teddy or your doll with you today.

Hope you can find a useful direction to help your sister!

@formerbabe

I'm always fascinated by the relationships people on here have with family. My sister and I wouldn't hesitate to just say to each other "stop crying at the gate you muppet"

Same!

@freddiethegreat

Gosh. I am currently teaching KS1 but have taught both YR & pre school & find some of these responses pretty harsh.

Totally agree that a parent in tears (at school drop off - not, for example, at a funeral) will not help. The coat peg is resolvable & staff should be near at hand enough to help without being asked at pre-school. Juice & PE clothing are almost certainly non-negotiable, but still worth explaining to staff where concerns lie. I am shocked at the lack of proactive support from staff. And separation anxiety is NOT caused by the parent - there are ways of the parent supporting (not crying being one) but I have long since lost count of the number of experienced parents suddenly thrown by child 3 or 4 who struggled to go in on just the same method as child 1 & 2. Every child is different and at this age they are very small (less than 60 months on the earth) & need support - as do parents because if mamma ain’t happy, ain’t no-one happy!

Totally agree!

Oh gosh.
My son hated it at first, but I explained that I understood the way he felt and that it will get better.
It did, I can’t imagine crying in front of them is helping. That must be scary for a child.

@Onadifferentuniverse

Oh gosh. My son hated it at first, but I explained that I understood the way he felt and that it will get better. It did, I can’t imagine crying in front of them is helping. That must be scary for a child.

Yes. I mean, I'm 47, but if I walked to my place of work with my mum and then she started crying when we said goodbye, I'm pretty sure that would unsettle me!

Slightly harsh..... I think you will have to be a little firmer with her than that! I can't actually believe she expected her child to stay dressed for PE and to have juice, she's going to be 'that parent'.....