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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who will look after your children if you were to die?

97 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 11/10/2020 18:09

DH and i need to update our Wills. We have a 3yo and another on the way. Our parents are both in their late 70s and unfit to look after young children.

DH's siblings (2 sisters)are the same age as us (early 30s) but don't have children. One wants them, and is going through IVF, but is in the army and therefore liable to move around often and possibly be away from the rest of the family for years on end. The other is unsure if she wants children, and has ME, so i don't feel it's fair to ask.

My siblings are much older than DH and I. My sister is 45yo with a teenager and her husband is 50. I could ask my sister but honestly I think she would struggle; she works full time and frequently admits she struggled with motherhood when her daughter was young. She thinks I'm mad to have a second baby. My brother is older, 50, with grown up children. I don't get on well with his wife and don't feel comfortable with her raising my children.

So that leaves friends. Whilst we could pick a couple that we love and that are already in our daughter's life, now that we have a second child on the way it seems a lot to ask of anyone.

What would you do? Who have you written in your Will to care for your children should the worst happen?
If we don't write Wills, what will happen to the children if under 18?

OP posts:

DorsetCamping · 12/10/2020 06:27

HelenaJustina · 12/10/2020 06:35

We were advised to keep this under review. But also that you cannot make it binding, you express your wishes in your will but the person named is not obliged to take on the responsibility - so make sure you have talked it through!

We originally named my parents, but now that DSis has 2 of her own (and parents are a bit older) the DC would go to her. The estate would be left in Trust for the DC but the guardians could have access to funds as required. For example, they would have to move house to fit our DC in, and get a new car, we didn’t want the DC to be a huge financial cost.

lyralalala · 12/10/2020 06:42

@RaisinGhost

If we don't write Wills, what will happen to the children if under 18?

The exact same thing that would happen if you did write a will - any willing people would come forward and the court would decide. You can't will your children like they are a piano or a car.

I think it's a waste of time as you can't know the future. Eg, say your sibling says they can't, but when this situation occurred they change their mind. You ask your friend and she says yes, but right after you die she finds out she is pregnant with triplets and no longer can.

That’s why we were advised to state who wanted to make decisions, rather than simply who would care for the children.

I trust MIL, BIL and my SIL to decide between them what is best for the kids at the time.

It saves any “Lala and mrlala wanted me, but I’m 85 and can’t cope/living in Australia/etc” guilt

DontBeShelfish · 12/10/2020 06:46

In the event of my death DD would stay with my DP, but with caveats. My DB and DSis, alongside a solicitor friend of mine who drew up my Will, would manage my estate and the proceeds of my life insurance. So DP would get a yearly stipend in case he had to stop work, and there'd be a substantial lump sum for DD when she turns 25.

If both myself and DP were to die at the same time, my DSis and DB would share care but DD would live with my sister. She would then get the yearly stipend.

It's my nightmare, to be honest; I had to close this thread last night because it stressed me out so much. But that stress compelled me to put loads of measures in place to at least financially protect my DD, and I know living in my sister's house with her kids, she'd have the sort of childhood that I had, and would be happy there.

A friend of mine is in a similar situation to yours, @UnicornAndSparkles; she's put a close friend down as guardian (after a discussion) as her own parents are elderly and her DH's family are a bit crap.

44PumpLane · 12/10/2020 06:53

Weirdly had this conversation with a friend a month ago, she now has a 2 month old and is NC with her family and her DHs Mum is dead so she asked is my husband and I would take her daughter if anything were to happen (I absolutely would).

My kids would go to my parents or their godparents.

Minimumstandard · 12/10/2020 06:55

So that leaves friends. Whilst we could pick a couple that we love and that are already in our daughter's life, now that we have a second child on the way it seems a lot to ask of anyone.

In your place, I would pick (or at least ask) this couple. Yes, it is a lot to ask, but I would do this in a heartbeat for friends rather than see their children go into foster care.

FenellaMaxwell · 12/10/2020 07:04

My DM, and if she is no longer here/not able to look after him, my best friend. She has experience with SEN, children of her own, is a former primary school teacher and a foster parent already.

DarkMutterings · 12/10/2020 07:30

You really need to consider how life can change, for example the answer for toddlers will be very different to teens in exam years.

As a PP our solicitor advised it's best to name people to make the right decision at the time. So in our case, my sister, my best friend and DHs best friend will decide. We live abroad so it's complicated if something happened, especially in exam years. Mine are older now and whilst my childless best friend would have struggled to adapt to young kids, she would happily take them now as teens and would even consider moving here for a short period to let them finish exams if the timing worked out that way.

DisneyMillie · 12/10/2020 08:02

My parents would probably want to do it but realistically they’re too old. My eldest would go live with her dad (my exh) and he’s said he’d have my youngest too if my dh and I both died so as to keep them together.

lollipoprainbow · 12/10/2020 08:05

This terrifies me, I'm a single mum my dd 8 has her dad in her life but he wouldn't be able to cope with her full time. When I was writing my will four years ago I was on the verge of asking my sister and brother in law to be her legal guardians then out of the blue my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer and we lost her within two months. My brother in law has since moved on and is remarrying next year. I have named my second cousin as the person to make the decision about who becomes my daughters legal guardian.

zingally · 12/10/2020 08:25

When I was a child, it was my auntie and uncle who were in the Wills to take my sister and I should the worst happen. It would have involved moving away. But my auntie and uncle also had two little girls a similar age to my sister and I. Plus, of my mum's two sisters, they felt this auntie was the one who matched up best in terms of personality and parenting style.

For my two, we currently have my DHs brother and his wife. They are both lovely but actually have very little to do with the children and only see them 2 or 3 times a year, for day visits.
We'd actually like to change it to my best friend. She's single and childless, but adores the children, sees them multiple times a month, is a primary school teacher, and they love her as well. We're just unsure how to ask, because it would completely change her life if it happened... argh!

kowari · 12/10/2020 08:35

If you can afford a mobile, you can afford life insurance... Not everyone can get just any basic life insurance, such as with a previous anorexia diagnosis.

ludothedog · 12/10/2020 08:52

I have some experience of this. Friend diagnosed with cancer and asked if I would care for her son. I said yes. When she went into hospital he came to stay with us. It was awful. He hated it, I resented him for the intrusion into our lives. Friend is now terminal but son is back home with her. I'm dreading when the day comes and that he comes here. I want to tell her that I've changed my mind but I feel so guilty. My DD doesn't want him here, we don't have the space. It's too much.

Be careful who you ask, make it family where possible, and remember that things will change.

WearyGranny · 12/10/2020 10:01

I'm raising my grandchildren, through incapacity not bereavement. I've name-changed for privacy, if you recognise me, please don't say.

This is my own experience. I'm not suggesting that other grandparents are not going to manage, but the difference is enormous between taking on small children in our late fifties when we were fit and active and had a fun relationship with them, and having stroppy pre-teens now in our mid-sixties alongside eg arthritis. We will probably be in our late seventies by the time the youngest has finished education.

We would never change our decision. But we have both aged exponentially over the past few years. My mental health has deteriorated markedly. We are arranging wills, powers of attorney, our finances are shaky at best. Relationships within the immediate family and outwith it have changed. Support both emotional and practical melts away as the children get older, as somehow "love is all you need", or "You're doing an amazing job". Both of which are crap.

What I'm trying to say, rather clumsily, is not to underestimate the sheer exhaustion of grandparents. Wherever possible, have brutally honest and open conversations. Remember that grandparents will be grieving the loss of their child. Look to DCs aunts and uncles for support and respite. Care can be shared very successfully. Read up on kinship care on your local authority's website. It is nothing like raising your own child.

lyralalala · 12/10/2020 10:20

@WearyGranny Your point about relationships changing in the family is so accurate.

I lived with my GP's from the age of 7 (because of neglect and drug addicted parents rather than bereavement) and it undoubtedly had an effect on their relationships, particularly with my Aunt and the other grandchildren. There has been a lot of resentment over the years (I'm in fact now NC with most of them as I was expected to apologise).

It's certainly a situation that should be discussed, even though it's extremely difficult. In fact it should be discussed because it's extremely difficult.

Minimumstandard · 12/10/2020 10:32

@WearyGranny. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. This worries me hugely. Our parents are a decade older than you in relation to our DC. My parents have occasionally looked after DC for a few days when I've been travelling from work. They enjoy it, but my DM freely admits to me that she's absolutely exhausted by the time we pick them up.

VeggieSausageRoll · 12/10/2020 10:47

We've always said MiL, she lives with us so it'd mean minimal disruption. DC is awaiting an autism diagnosis though so things may change as he gets older, she may not be able to cope with his additional needs, depending on what emerges as an older child/teenager/adult. He's currently non verbal and we don't yet know the extent of things. The thought of having a child (our one and only) and not knowing if he'll ever live independently is terrifying. I also cannot get live insurance (I have literally been offered one policy at over £400 a month) due to an existing minor heart condition.

I have a BiL who works with SEN adults and children but I don't like a lot of aspects of his parenting style. I have a SiL but she already has 3 of her own children as a single parent.

My family are out of the question.

Literally no clue.

starray · 12/10/2020 11:05

@Inkpaperstars

Can you actually nominate people to take care of your children, or are they in reality nominated as guardians, ie to take care of them or make decisions about who does?

Yes, I would like to know this too. Is the nominated guardian someone who will decide where they go and who they live with, or the person who will actually look after them?

lyralalala · 12/10/2020 11:20

@starray Yes, I would like to know this too. Is the nominated guardian someone who will decide where they go and who they live with, or the person who will actually look after them?

It's an indication of your wishes. If no-one else kicks off or complains or anything then it's likely that's what will happen.

If you nominate one person and another complains - goes to SS or through family court - then it'll be decided by the court, but your wishes will be known.

You can't will your children so it's not set in stone (had a nightmare time trying to explain that to a friend once who was convinced she could put in her will that her kids should spend "her" 50% of the time to her friend as she objected to her ex having them all the time), but, to be blunt, social services are over-worked and under pressure. If a family arrangement can be put in place that doesn't involve them needing to do much, and crucially doesn't involve them financing anything, then they tend not to get involved unless they have too.

It's often very obvious where children will end up if there is long term illness involved, but when it's an accident or sudden loss then not so much.

starray · 12/10/2020 11:40

Thanks for explaining lyralalala

Inkpaperstars · 12/10/2020 11:49

Yes, thank you lyra

DontBeShelfish · 12/10/2020 14:07

Also my solicitor told me when I made my Will that it's important that both parents agree where the children should go as, if they made conflicting choices in their Wills, it might cause a battle between those choices over who has the child. When I asked them what would happen if I made a Will and my DP didn't, solicitor said as I'd put it down in writing my Will would be the way things were dealt with.

There's no way on God's green earth I'd want my MIL to have a hand in DCs upbringing. And thank goodness my DP agrees with me.

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