Who will look after your children if you were to die?

[UnicornAndSparkles]

DH and i need to update our Wills. We have a 3yo and another on the way. Our parents are both in their late 70s and unfit to look after young children.

DH's siblings (2 sisters)are the same age as us (early 30s) but don't have children. One wants them, and is going through IVF, but is in the army and therefore liable to move around often and possibly be away from the rest of the family for years on end. The other is unsure if she wants children, and has ME, so i don't feel it's fair to ask.

My siblings are much older than DH and I. My sister is 45yo with a teenager and her husband is 50. I could ask my sister but honestly I think she would struggle; she works full time and frequently admits she struggled with motherhood when her daughter was young. She thinks I'm mad to have a second baby. My brother is older, 50, with grown up children. I don't get on well with his wife and don't feel comfortable with her raising my children.

So that leaves friends. Whilst we could pick a couple that we love and that are already in our daughter's life, now that we have a second child on the way it seems a lot to ask of anyone.

What would you do? Who have you written in your Will to care for your children should the worst happen?
If we don't write Wills, what will happen to the children if under 18?

My sister and sister in law are named as guardians, but we haven’t expressed a view on who would look after them. The advice from Solicitor was to name guardians who will advocate for them, but in terms of who would care for them you can’t guess people’s circumstances in the future so don’t name someone

We have 7mo DS and one on the way, I’ve struggled with this enormously.

DM was my first choice (late fifties and generally fit/well) but DF is a pain in the bum and also has cancer. It would be too much for them.

MIL is our agreed choice (60 but fit and well) she’s single, retired and would make DS her priority.

My sibling is much younger than me and just learning to take care of themselves
DH’s sibling is shortly due their first baby so in a couple of years time we might ask them to be our choice. Thought best to let them settle with parenthood for themselves first though.

Either way I feel confident DS would be very well cared for and loved. DH and I took out an extensive insurance policy when I was first pregnant and it’s enough to live comfortably on for a long while. If we both died DS would not be a financial burden to anyone and would be well set up into adult life.

@Hotelhelp exactly why I posted as my sister doesn’t want her sperm donor involved at all and has written a will to express this. And even worse wouldn’t want his family to raise her kids.

It was the case a good few years ago when they enquired. I’m hoping it’s changed 🤞

My parents and PILs are too old and our siblings are unsuitable for various reasons (eg live abroad), so DH and I have asked a couple who are good friends of ours. It is a lot to ask, but they are in a similar position and have asked us in return, so if it happens at least they know we'd have done the same for them.

We need to sort out our wills, but I think DH and I have agreed it should be his brother - he and his family live near enough that the kids could stay in their existing schools, the kids are of similar ages, and they have just about enough room.

I might have said my sister, as she's only been able to have one child, but she has recently moved much further away so it would be too much disruption.

Are you close to your brother's grown up children, are they an option? I have a 14 year old and have nominated my aunt and uncle in their mid fifties, then my 25 year old sister if anything should happen to both of them.

BIL. IL's would help out a lot but are too old for it really. They won't ever have the DC overnight because they might not sleep and they'd be too tired to look after them the following day.
We have it written down, and my best friend knows our plans, because we don't want them to go to my family. Who would probably try to fight for them so they could be seen to be the "doting" grandparents they are not.

Do you have cousins who could be suitable?

Can you actually nominate people to take care of your children, or are they in reality nominated as guardians, ie to take care of them or make decisions about who does?

My parents are on the will at the moment, although we'll amend that in a few years if/when our siblings settle down a bit more. If DC was older I'd probably choose a local friend instead but it feels too big to name a friend when DC is still a toddler and it would be such a long-term commitment.

We started with DH's nephew, and then later switched to a family friend when DC were older.

You can change your mind when you rewrite a will as circumstances change.

My brother and sister in law, our parents are all fit and well but obviously much older, we also have two DNs close in age to DS so he would be being raised in a family environment

The person you think is most likely to deal well with a traumatised grieving child.

I'm naming a very good friend. She was delighted to be asked. The last person I want my daughter to go to is my sister.

Where does one get advice re life assurance?

Rather than name the sibling with whom our children would live, we named one person who would have the decision. Hopefully then if circumstances change they would account for everything.

We asked my BIL and he agreed. He has no children but is definitely the right person to have ours. The chance of us both dying at once is very small fortunately, which made it easier for him to say yes (he finds the prospect daunting I think). Our parents are too old to help.

Also interested to know what happens if no will is made.

A court will decide the childrens future . Meanwhile the children will be placed in foster or residential care. If some suitable blood relative volunteers to take the children, the court may agree, but this will take some time while the BR is assessed.

We were told they'd be a ward of the state until paperwork is sorted if we didn't put it in our will (ROI) but our solicitor said in that situation they'd more than likely be left with my parents if they were happy to do it and no one had any issues with that so they wouldn't be put into emergency foster care or anything.

At present my parents have said they'd be happy to take them, but we've asked a sibling each to be legal guardians so they'll look after the finances and major decisions and for the moment it'll be my parents who actually raise them.

We have 1 DS. We asked very close friends (married, child free couple) who said yes.

Hopefully it’ll never come to that, but if it does I think they’d bring DS up well/ensure he saw lots of our families etc.

We chose them even though we have siblings and parents, but our parents are too old, and our siblings have their own DC and wouldn’t bring DS up in a way we liked as much as our friends would. DS also has Godparents but they weren’t suitable as live too far away/have their own new baby DS.

I've named my sister. She's a few years younger than me (mid-30s), married and hasn't yet been able to conceive (PCOS and other fertility issues) but is still trying. I'm not sure any of that is particularly relelvant though. Regardless of her marital status and whether or not she has her own kids, I would 100% trust her with mine. I would be upset that they would not be brought up in our religion, which she no longer practises, but other than that I'd have no hesitations.

We live with my parents at the moment and I think if I were to die anytime soon, dc would stay here and my sister would take on parental responsibilty but may not move house. If it were a few years down the line and parents were older I think dc would go straight to sister. She's hoping to move back near us anyway.

You can include a guardianship section in a will but it is not legally binding. It would depend on the best interests of the children at the time. I would advise clients to include it as it was a strong indication of what your wishes were but that it cannot tie the hands of a judge determining residence.

My parents or PILs would have them. They're all down in our wills as joint guardians. Neither would be ideal (all in their 60s and my father in quite poor health) but we know at least that they would give DC a lot of love. We have sufficient resources/insurance cover to pay for DC's reasonable costs, including at least a part-time nanny, which would go some way towards easing the burden of a rambunctious preschooler.

Tbh, I suspect it would end up being my PILs. They're in better health and have more material resources. I can't say the thought of them raising DC fills me with joy. But we don't really have any better options (siblings all childless, don't like children etc., no close friends who we could ask). To make a virtue of necessity, PILs dote on DC, they will love them to bits and ensure they are given every advantage. It's just their parenting style is very different to mine !

We've put in our wills that the joint guardians with day-to-day care are required to promote contact, share holidays (including Christmas and Easter) and facilitate visits with the other named guardians as much as they reasonably can to prevent, for instance, PILs cutting out my parents. Not that I think they would do that, they're honourable and kind people. But we thought it was best to put the expectation in there in any case.

My best friend. And I hers. Athough we agreed this with fewer children we would both still take them all in a heartbeat..

My DB wouldn't facilitate any relationship with DH's side of the family and his DB has a very differently view on education/support to us...

Weirdly, I was thinking about this today. We have asked my DH's sister's and her husband to have ours. Luckily they said yes - but all their children are 21 and above, so it would be a huge shock to them! I am a Godmother to my friend's daughter - she has 3 children. I would take them all if she needed me to. In a heartbeat.