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Original poster

Who will look after your children if you were to die?

97 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 11/10/2020 18:09

DH and i need to update our Wills. We have a 3yo and another on the way. Our parents are both in their late 70s and unfit to look after young children.

DH's siblings (2 sisters)are the same age as us (early 30s) but don't have children. One wants them, and is going through IVF, but is in the army and therefore liable to move around often and possibly be away from the rest of the family for years on end. The other is unsure if she wants children, and has ME, so i don't feel it's fair to ask.

My siblings are much older than DH and I. My sister is 45yo with a teenager and her husband is 50. I could ask my sister but honestly I think she would struggle; she works full time and frequently admits she struggled with motherhood when her daughter was young. She thinks I'm mad to have a second baby. My brother is older, 50, with grown up children. I don't get on well with his wife and don't feel comfortable with her raising my children.

So that leaves friends. Whilst we could pick a couple that we love and that are already in our daughter's life, now that we have a second child on the way it seems a lot to ask of anyone.

What would you do? Who have you written in your Will to care for your children should the worst happen?
If we don't write Wills, what will happen to the children if under 18?

OP posts:
MissDollyMix · 11/10/2020 20:15

This worries me so much. We have no one. I’m an only child. The only relative I have in this country is my elderly mother. She lives locally and is involved in the day to day running of their lives but her health isn’t great and she isn’t always the kindest person (understatement of the century!). My in-laws all live on the other side of the country. None of them are particularly interested in our children. PiL are elderly and frail and wouldn’t be up for raising two young(ish) children and DH’s brother and his wife have their hands full with their own children, plus they hardly know are children, they don’t even know when their birthdays are... or even how old they are. We don’t have many close friends. My closest friend also lives on the other side of the country and already has 3 young children in a tiny house, a busy full time job and a dubious record of discipline with her own children. Staying alive is our only option.

MissDollyMix · 11/10/2020 20:16

our children. Not are children!! Doh!

Minimumstandard · 11/10/2020 20:18

@MissDollyMix. Doesn't sound like we're in quite the same situation as you but I feel the same... Praying we'll see DC through to 21.

PetNameChange · 11/10/2020 20:25

My brother and sil (tempted to change this and I am not sure they are the right people) I may ask a friend of mine instead but it’s a massive ask!

Dh has a very good life insurance policy and the children will be well prepared for money wise. I only have my death in service benefits which is around 3.5 times my salary and my pension.

It’s such a hard one!

OverTheRainbow88 · 11/10/2020 20:27

My brother and sil

We were advised to only name my sister and not my bil, Incase they were to break up I would want
My children solely with my sister.

Wallywobbles · 11/10/2020 20:40

My DSis is in charge financially but a childless friend has offered to step up d'or the day to day stuff. Financially I've got it covered and she'd make the rest work. They are now teens.

Initially I asked one of my brothers but I could see that wouldn't work.

MaverickDanger · 11/10/2020 20:40

I’m currently pregnant and we have discussed this.

Both sets of parents would be more than willing, although my dad isn’t in great health. Both my sister and DH’s brother have kids a similar age, so would be good options.

The issue is more the fact that DH’s family are all in Australia, and my family absolutely would not travel, so I have no idea how we are supposed to decide what’s right & fair.

SoloMummy · 11/10/2020 20:49

Your sister or dhs army sister.

Mine has a hierarchy of parents and all siblings. Though all are younger siblings and have children, half have similar aged or younger children.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/10/2020 21:08

Dm would move into our house and care for them keeping as much the same as possible. Following that, they would go to dmil who is in a city around an hour away and wouldn't be willing to move here. If neither of our mums is still able to care for them they would go to dp's brother, which wouldn't be ideal, but would be the best option in a bad situation.

Leaannb · 11/10/2020 21:13

@UnicornAndSparkles

*so there should be no financial commitment to whoever has the kids; they will be fully provided for. It's the emotional commitment I'm concerned with.
So the life insurance os enough for the couple to attain a larger home and car etc...
lyralalala · 11/10/2020 21:15

You can’t actually will your children. You can state your wishes and if they are uncontested and accepted at the time they’ll likely be carried out. But if any family object then a court will decide.

So when you are detailing it in your will it’s important to say why.

We’ve not said who would have the children. We’ve stayed that our wish is that they stay in our home and asked that MIL, BIL and SIL decide between them who is in the best position to care for them. We’ve also stated that any of our kids over 18 at the time (so DS1 now) be included in those decisions.

NaughtipussMaximus · 11/10/2020 21:16

My DH’s brother and wife, I expect. His parents are a bit old, but might be happy to do it. I only have my dad left from my immediate family, and I wouldn’t hand my son over to him - he’s elderly and in poor health and tbh his home is a bit squalid. SIL and DIL have three older children of their own and aren’t badly off, plus we’re not badly off so DS wouldn’t be a drain on their finances. Otherwise my cousin and her husband, who have two little ones of their own too - I’d be quite happy for them to raise DS as I know he’d be loved and well cared for, but DS doesn’t know them very well as we don’t see them often (we live quite far away) so it would be harder on him than going to his grandparents or his uncle and auntie.

SandyY2K · 11/10/2020 21:22

My youngest turned 18 this year, but if anything happened to DH and I when they were young, they would have gone to one of my Dsis.

It wasn't written in a will, I never discussed it with DH, but that would be what happened naturally and I would have taken her DC if anything happened to her or BIL.

DH wouldn't have expected them to live with any of his family.

My DC aren't close to DHs side of the family. I'm quite sure some of his siblings wouldn't recognise my kids in the street if they weren't expecting to see them.

Pollynextdoor · 11/10/2020 21:23

Nobody. I can’t dieSad

MrsPotatoHeadsSheeWee · 11/10/2020 21:34

Me and DP also cannot die. The thought of leaving our DS4 an orphan with no obvious suitable kin is terrifying.

Givemeabreak88 · 11/10/2020 21:35

Mine will go into care

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 11/10/2020 22:55

They will go to my twin. I don't think any of DH and I other siblings would question it for an instant. Likewise I would have her kids. I hate thinking about this stuff though, it terrifies me.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/10/2020 00:19

Anyone of my siblings would and I'd do the same for them we have discussed it.
I know if I died DO would take them back to his family area. I wouldn't like that nothing to do with the in laws the DC have their life here there's better opportunities.

Redruby25 · 12/10/2020 00:29

As many of you have mentioned life insurance, which companies have you gone with?
Also where do you start, with doing a will?!

raspberryk · 12/10/2020 00:39

It’s terrifying thought but if I die they would have to live with their father Sad

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/10/2020 05:23

I've worked in the other side (in social services) of it quite a few times .....heartbreaking

All those people sure they will keep alive /or will never die at the same time as their kids father... I assume you never travel in a car /plane with them? (like the royals Grin)

It DOES happen, sadly.... You really don't want your kids orphaned.... Sitting in a draughty government building waiting for social services /legal to sort them out.

Any one with dodgy exes.... Pleas please put this in a statement of wishes... A lawyer can advise...

So if they're very violent and drink heavily, please don't let your motherless kids go to them, at least not without other adults.
involved.please ensure there is a life insurance attached to you... If you can afford a mobile, you can afford life insurance...

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/10/2020 05:35

I'm amicably divorced so it would be DS's dad if I died. If we both died it would be my mum.

lyralalala · 12/10/2020 05:38

Please write down your wishes somewhere

It’s not binding, but if there is a dispute then knowing what you wanted, and why, can be the clincher.

It’s horrible to say, but some people aren’t nice. Children who are orphaned and left well catered for financially can suddenly find that people who haven’t given the time of day before want to “look after them”.

RaisinGhost · 12/10/2020 06:08

If we don't write Wills, what will happen to the children if under 18?

The exact same thing that would happen if you did write a will - any willing people would come forward and the court would decide. You can't will your children like they are a piano or a car.

I think it's a waste of time as you can't know the future. Eg, say your sibling says they can't, but when this situation occurred they change their mind. You ask your friend and she says yes, but right after you die she finds out she is pregnant with triplets and no longer can.

Pixxie7 · 12/10/2020 06:27

I would ask you sister, she may have struggled but she is family and at the end of the day families look after each other when the chips are down.
Don’t get weighed down with this though I am sure you will be fine.