AIBU Child custodians in will

[Fedriteup]

DP and I had joint wills created. Leaving custody of children to both sets of grandparents for now. DP not signed his copy, states he only wants his parents to have custody if the worst occurred. Both grandparents are so far well, mine live 10 minutes away. In-laws 6hrs away. DP states my parents have no friends or family to help, and he has concerns about my mother’s mental health. I’m gob smacked. No idea how to react to this. My parents helped endlessly with childcare, DIY. I am an only child also. AIBU to be hurt and confused by this?

I think the last thing children who have lost both parents would need is to be moved 6 hours away from everything they know.

DH's dad lives abroad and couldn't take my children. My parents live an hour away, but have agreed that if anything should happen they would move here to keep them in the same school.

Our children, not mine!!!

Can you both choose another younger relation e.g. sibling, or close friend e.g. godparent.

The problem with choosing grandparents is they are older than you so risk having health problems etc and not being able to take care of your children, so choose someone your own age or younger.

I think choosing grandparents as guardians is a really bad idea, regardless of location or mental health. Bo matter how fit and healthy they are, they will age and become frail and then you run a pretty high risk of your children losing another set of parents. You need to rethink.

Leaving custody of children to both sets of grandparents for now

That's a dreadful arrangement.

How will joint custody between both sets of grandparents who live 6 hrs away from each other work in practice?

Unless the grandparents are very young, there is a possibility that they will not be deemed fit to have custody anyway. Just because it is in your will, does not guarantee it.

Personally I would try on a younger relative or good friend but specify that grandparents should have regular contact.

We've just had to think through this one and have said our preferred guardian is my sibling. We thought of our parents but th ere is a risk with their ages that either they will die before the child is an adult or not have the energy to raise a child everyday.

I wouldn't choose grandparents more than 45 years older than my child. A 45 year gap would mean they would be 70 when the child was 25.

A 'child' of 25 doesn't need an active care-giver, Kowari. A 55 year old grandparent can care for a young child quite easily. I am reaching that age myself and can run around after a whole class full of children all day.

Surely shared custody would be a bad idea?

Obviously it is only a wish, and not something autmotically granted if the worst happened.

I have a close friend down if anything happens to me, there is someone else who is probably slightly better placed to parent. But, that person isn’t as close to my son, and the priority is someone who my son already has a good attachment to.

@kowari

I wouldn't choose grandparents more than 45 years older than my child. A 45 year gap would mean they would be 70 when the child was 25.

You know some people have parents who are 45 years older than them right?!

You hardly need to be hugely active to parent a 15yo let alone "parent" a 25yo...

A 'child' of 25 doesn't need an active care-giver, Kowari. I didn't say they did. Many are at university until their early twenties though. While some young adults are completely on their own in the world at 18, ideally I would want my child to have a guardian who would be able to be there for them if needed until they were 25.

Why didn't your DP tell you his thoughts before the wills were drawn up? Surely it came up when you were discussing the matter between yourselves, before going to the solicitor?

My children are currently 15-19 and my in-laws are 75. They are in our wills as guardians should dh and I die. They are happy with this and would move into our house, 20 minutes from theirs, to care for the children so they could remain at their schools. Dh and I are doing our best not to die yet in the hope our kids are adult before we do so they would be okay. PIL are healthy, fit and close to the kids. I think it is in the will my family don't get anywhere near the kids.

I think the problem is your dh being so cruel about your mother.

It’s always best to have a B and C option in will. Who knows what the health of any of the grandparents would should the worst happen in 10 or 15 years time. I agree with some of the posters that if your DC were to loose both their parents would it be fair to take them away from their school, friends, clubs and everything else they know. What would happen you passed away in a critical year such as year 10/11/12/13 at school. My mum died 2 weeks after my 18th birthday. Legally I was an adult but I was still at school.

Well you can’t leave your dc to anyone. On your death, your views would be taken in to account but social services could still find your request unsuitable.

I don’t see the issue with a child moving hours away, IF that is where the best care giver lives. Being with the best person in the long run, far out ways keeping the same school.

What is your mothers mental health actually like? If your completely honest would she regally be the best person to provide the dc with the best care?

How old are your DC, How old are your parents v his? What is the general health Of the grandparents like? If you both dropped down dead tomorrow and you’ve got toddlers would for example a 60 year old Couple with no support be best?

Thanks everyone- we previously had no wills at all. No siblings up here. I suggested that in five years or so we amend it to a sibling of my DP. None of which live any less than 4 hours away. My mum would be fine, she had depression circa 20 years ago. But nothing major since then. We did talk about it but not in depth, as it was drawn up in haste due to the pandemic.

The guardian in the will doesn't need to be the person who they will live with.

They can be the person/people who you think will make the best choices of who their guardian will be if the worst were to happen and/or those who will help handle the kids' finances and other practicals while the difficult transition happens.

It's good to consider and discuss what will happen if those guardians are not available. The first guardian we chose died when my oldest was 10 and choosing parents makes that risk more likely.

We now have two guardians listed - one is my SIL, who is great at handling at the practical elements in a crisis, can handle bureaucratic nonsense really well, and everyone is in agreement would not be suitable for the kids to move in with her - she lives in a very different part of the country and it would be really disruptive & she's never been big on kids. Our second is a local friend who knows the kids well, and we discussed that together I trust that they would help make the right choice for the kids.

So maybe we could say both sets of grandparents decide custody in the event of both our deaths? I’m still very hurt he considers my parents so unsuitable.

Your DH is being unreasonable. I would struggle with staying with such intransigence when your parents are clearly more suitable for the immediate future, and like you say, can be reevaluated in a few years' time.

It sounds like a shock to you to hear more about what he thinks about your mother. I think he is entitled to his views though and it is not cruel to share them - indeed I think the reason this has come as such a shock may be that he has been very diplomatic to date. Ideally I'd think staying more local is best but he is right to also consider whether your parents really can cope. Perhaps he sees them struggling with the bits that they do already? I think perhaps you need to take some more time to explore with your OH. You need to be ready to hear some views which might be a little different to yours though so perhaps do this on a day when you're feeling quite calm and on top of things. It might be that if you explore more together you can come to a decision you are both comfortable with.

OP choose one of your DP's siblings now to by pass your issues.

You both need to talk to that sibling (and enclose a letter to go with the will) stating what you would like him/her to do.

This could include finding someone who lives nearer to you to actually look after your children day-to-day, or simply find someone who is better able to deal with that responsibility instead of letting social services sort it out.

We didn't have any obvious choices to name as guardians in our wills, everyone is either too old or too far away to be a good choice. We currently have good friends who would be a good option but have not known them long and their suitability may change in the future. We decided to name my parents as they would be best placed to make the best choice at the time, but have made it clear to them we don't necessarily expect them to look after the children, just to decide where they should go.

What you want won't work, though. How can you leave your DC to two sets of grandparents who live six hours apart from each other?

I think also the grandparents are the same age - equitable in health. DP is not coming up with solutions. Just not signing it and expressing his opinion that his parents are better candidates. Seems grossly unfair.